[Schizoid]

"Why are you always so quiet?"
"Do you ever talk to people?"


Has anyone in real life ever told you this before? How do you respond to it?

 

[Starry Eyed]

Oh yes, I've had a lot of people tell me that. In both 'polite' and extremely rude ways. Also behind my back.

I laugh and say, "Yes just not to you." Or if they are not rude I say, "Yes but it just takes me a while to feel comfortable around people." (even if I have no intentions to talk to them in the future)

I don't have to explain that it takes me a while to warm up to people and that also if I think I won't get along with you and we have absolutely nothing to talk about besides school or work that I don't want to waste time conversing with you beyond what's necessary and polite.

I've had a lot of people tell me I'm 'sweet,' or 'standoffish' or 'mysterious' all make me laugh...


Do you feel like you need a lot of friends or approval from everyone? (just curious)

 

[TheJ]

People like to point out observations of the unusual, it's not unlike a kid pointing at someone funny looking on the street. People don't outgrow that behavior, they just learn not to do it in certain contexts.
I think when a person asks you that they actually do it to encourage you to talk and "bond". It's often asked by extroverts who can't understand your behavior because they have never been in your position.

I've actually learned how to not be so quiet anymore, participating and just letting go of reservations is fun and freeing, But I remember just thinking and saying something like "it's just the way I am", when asked that. Not offensive, nor a lie.

 

[mizz]

Yes, ALL the time. People have always commented on me being so quiet. My usual response is, "I'm just sitting here". lol

 

[Schizoid]

Oh yes, I've had a lot of people tell me that. In both 'polite' and extremely rude ways. Also behind my back.

I laugh and say, "Yes just not to you." Or if they are not rude I say, "Yes but it just takes me a while to feel comfortable around people." (even if I have no intentions to talk to them in the future)

I don't have to explain that it takes me a while to warm up to people and that also if I think I won't get along with you and we have absolutely nothing to talk about besides school or work that I don't want to waste time conversing with you beyond what's necessary and polite.

I've had a lot of people tell me I'm 'sweet,' or 'standoffish' or 'mysterious' all make me laugh...


Do you feel like you need a lot of friends or approval from everyone? (just curious)

I don't really need approval from people, but it's just annoying when people keep picking on a certain personality trait of mine.

Imagine someone constantly asking a swan, "Why do you have such a long pair of neck?"

The swan of course would start feeling annoyed, because they are naturally born with a long pair of neck.

Anyway the reason I posted this thread is because I just had my boss said that sentence to me earlier, we were having a company dinner earlier and everybody else were busy chatting away at the table but I wasn't in a good mood at that time and I also didn't have much to say at the table so I just remained silent, and then my boss started picking on me in front of all my colleagues, she asked me why I'm being so quiet and if I'm always this quiet around my own family too and then she asked me if I often just eat my food at the dinner table without talking to my family. My coworker then helped to speak up for me and she told my boss that I'm just being shy.

I think what offended me most about that comment is the way she talks to me, I feel like she is talking down to me.
It's not what she said that offended me, but it's how she said those words that offended me.
I didn't know that being quiet is a huge crime. My boss treat me as if I've just committed a huge crime. xD

And I don't really need a lot of friends either, there is a reason why my username is schizoid.. :tongue:
When it comes to friendships, quality is definitely more important than quantity. I don't really care about having a bunch of superficial acquaintances, but I like having some deep connections and having some good friends by my side to walk through life with me. Depth over breadth for me.

 

[Littlewood]

All the time, I love it when people ask me though because then I will finally have something to talk about XD ... for 10 seconds.
I've sometimes had a few people come up to me whilst I was reading a book asking if I wasn't lonely. The answer I gave is rhetorical. Oh, this one time was rather annoying, so I was again sitting in a corner reading when a guy comes to sit across from me. The following is literally the conversation we had:
"Could you leave me alone please?"
-"Why?"
-"Because I'd rather sit alone"
-"Nonsense, nobody wants to be alone"
So I sat there, continuing reading when someone else, presumably a friend of the other person came and sat next to him. I then said: "Well, now you have somebody to talk to, I'll be off" And he looked at me like I was from an insane asylum as I walked away.
But seriously, my general response to such a question most of the time is: "Why are you so talkative?" They usually just give up after that.

 

[leictreon]

I'm quiet because I don't feel like talking

 

[Starry Eyed]

I don't really need approval from people, but it's just annoying when people keep picking on a certain personality trait of mine.

Imagine someone constantly asking a swan, "Why do you have such a long pair of neck?"

The swan of course would start feeling annoyed, because they are naturally born with a long pair of neck.

Anyway the reason I posted this thread is because I just had my boss said that sentence to me earlier, we were having a company dinner earlier and everybody else were busy chatting away at the table but I wasn't in a good mood at that time and I also didn't have much to say at the table so I just remained silent, and then my boss started picking on me in front of all my colleagues, she asked me why I'm being so quiet and if I'm always this quiet around my own family too and then she asked me if I often just eat my food at the dinner table without talking to my family. My coworker then helped to speak up for me and she told my boss that I'm just being shy.

I think what offended me most about that comment is the way she talks to me, I feel like she is talking down to me.
It's not what she said that offended me, but it's how she said those words that offended me.
I didn't know that being quiet is a huge crime. My boss treat me as if I've just committed a huge crime. xD

And I don't really need a lot of friends either, there is a reason why my username is schizoid.. :tongue:
When it comes to friendships, quality is definitely more important than quantity. I don't really care about having a bunch of superficial acquaintances, but I like having some deep connections and having some good friends by my side to walk through life with me. Depth over breadth for me.

Not really, the swam might get others are just curious...just depends on the swan.

I do agree on quality over quantity. And to have your boss do that to you is unprofessional to say the least. I'm not really shy anymore but I can see why it annoys you. But you should say something or there will be people like that throughout your who life. Extroversion/not being shy is king as much as it's wrong to make it so.

Just let her know that you're shy or heck next time just pull her aside and tell you that bothers you. Being quiet is definitely not a crime and for me more preferable than being loud lmao!

 

[Lakigigar]

i'm quiet because i'm paralyzed by your beauty.

 

[Falling Foxes]

Which is why I fluidly flip between INFP and ENFP.

Have you ever insulted someone by being quiet?

I got told once by family I rarely see that I was too quiet that it was rude, it was like I was keeping secrets and was up to no good. As far as I was aware I was listening to my family conversing at the dinner table with nothing productive to add to the conversation.

Being called mysterious is both an insult and a compliment.

Why do people assume you are hiding something when you don't speak?

 

[Phil]

I seem to be quiet in some circumstances and obnoxiously social in others, it wasn't until @Meggy Christmas pinned me as a 6 SX (and member of The Royal Guard xP) that I began to understand why. In groups I'm quiet as a mouse, and have to be "brought in" to the conversation to participate. But when I'm alone with someone, whether I've known them for a minute or my whole life, I can't seem to shutup.

 

[Capricious]

I always think I should come up with some witty comments when I hear that. However, I never do because I know my mind would blank anyway and then I'd just blurt out something idiotic and make things worse.

 

[kirsten.j]

People say this to me, but I just smile and shrug, because they're not really expecting any response, anyway. People will always judge you, no matter what you do, it's inevitable... and people will judge you wrongly or rightly... it's how the world works. You're probably judging a lot of people wrongly without realizing it.

Now, I do think it's a bit rude to just say stuff like that..."You're so ____"... it just isn't necessary, and I don't do it. But there's no use getting annoyed or mad when people do it to you, unless its something that really bothers you or that's really starkly wrong or insulting.

@Schizoid what happened with your boss sucks, though, and I'm sorry. it definitely sounds like she/he was picking on you, saying something that she knew would bother you. OR it could have been that she was just being obnoxious totally without realizing it. If its the first option, it sounds like a toxic relationship, and if she can't treat you respectfully, just try to distance yourself from her as much as possible and maintain a strictly professional relationship. If its the second option, its really annoying, but... go back to what I said above.
Either way, if she's annoying you, misunderstanding you, and not making you feel comfortable around her, you have no obligation to respond in any way.... Just accept that the two of you don't click. You don't have to explain yourself, justify yourself, or defend yourself. You are who you are, if she doesn't appreciate that, who cares.

 

[Bluefireluv]

OH GOD, THAT QUESTION.

Thankfully, and for some reason, it hasn't been asked recently. Ah, wait, that's probably because I've been avoiding meeting new people. Ahaha.

It seems like such a pointless question to me, though. Makes it sound like being quiet is a strange thing. It's what a shy or reserved person might do, and it's either because they're not very comfortable around you yet, or they're just always quiet like that. I'm quiet because I don't trust you enough to share my thoughts or feelings with you, I'm quiet because... well, I just suck at conversations and trying to converse shuts me up even quicker than not trying - either way I end up being really quiet. Or I'm just quiet because I'm more interested in whatever it is you have to say than anything I could possibly say.

Either way, my answer is always just a shrug and the most awkward chuckle ever.

 

[Zeta Neprok]

I just never know what to talk about :/

 

[Schizoid]

Which is why I fluidly flip between INFP and ENFP.

Have you ever insulted someone by being quiet?

I got told once by family I rarely see that I was too quiet that it was rude, it was like I was keeping secrets and was up to no good. As far as I was aware I was listening to my family conversing at the dinner table with nothing productive to add to the conversation.

Being called mysterious is both an insult and a compliment.

Why do people assume you are hiding something when you don't speak?

Oh I understand where you are coming from. I have the same mentality as you.

Similar to you, I'm being quiet and I'm just minding my own business and I hadn't insulted anyone, so I don't understand why people think I'm rude and are trying to make me change my behavior.
To me, I'm quiet because I'm comfortable with silence. I don't feel the need to constantly fill the air with words all the time.
I only talk when I have something meaningful to say.

Sometimes, silence is a beautiful thing too and imo people should learn how to appreciate silence instead of trying to constantly fill the air with words every minute.

People say this to me, but I just smile and shrug, because they're not really expecting any response, anyway. People will always judge you, no matter what you do, it's inevitable... and people will judge you wrongly or rightly... it's how the world works. You're probably judging a lot of people wrongly without realizing it.

Now, I do think it's a bit rude to just say stuff like that..."You're so ____"... it just isn't necessary, and I don't do it. But there's no use getting annoyed or mad when people do it to you, unless its something that really bothers you or that's really starkly wrong or insulting.

@Schizoid what happened with your boss sucks, though, and I'm sorry. it definitely sounds like she/he was picking on you, saying something that she knew would bother you. OR it could have been that she was just being obnoxious totally without realizing it. If its the first option, it sounds like a toxic relationship, and if she can't treat you respectfully, just try to distance yourself from her as much as possible and maintain a strictly professional relationship. If its the second option, its really annoying, but... go back to what I said above.
Either way, if she's annoying you, misunderstanding you, and not making you feel comfortable around her, you have no obligation to respond in any way.... Just accept that the two of you don't click. You don't have to explain yourself, justify yourself, or defend yourself. You are who you are, if she doesn't appreciate that, who cares.

Just wanna say thank you so much for the advice. I'm not sure if my boss belongs to the first or second category, but this isn't the first time she has made such comments to me. My boss has also told me that the only reason why she is still keeping me in the job is because nobody else is willing to work in the evening, and I'm the only one who is able to work at that timing. She didn't keep me in the job because of my work performance, but instead, she kept me in there because she is desperate for workers. I was so bothered by that comment that I couldn't even concentrate on my work the entire day and I ended up making quite a few mistakes in my work.

All these have driven me to the edge and I've been seriously pondering about quitting this job. I refused to let anyone in my life treat me with such blatant disrespect.

My self-respect and my mental/emotional health matters much more to me than money.

I'm just waiting for the right moment to quit the job. I'm only a month in this job and I'm still under probation and if I were to quit right now I'll only end up making burning bridges with them as they have already spent lots of time training me.
This world is a small place and I don't think I want to have too many enemies.

 

[Im FiNe]

To the questions of the OP, yes, people have from time to time over the course of my life commented on my being quiet. Some times I was also told to "shut up" or "keep it down" when being boisterous in my youth.

When an adult says this to another adult (me) I can now bear in mind that most people are sensors and about half of the population are extraverts (or favoring the extraverted side of ambiversion). Sensors often talk about concrete things in the environment. Sometimes this includes voicing observations about physical traits. "You're tall." "It's a cold one today." "Boy, you got here fast!" "You don't talk too much." The examples I have shared here are forms of small talk. Some people like to use small talk to put others at ease. Some do it as a way to get know someone better. Some do it because...they just think they should.

Then there are the extraverts. They interact with the objective world, the external world. Observation is a form of input. Talking is a form of output. Put together there is an interaction. This external interaction is a real preference and perhaps a legitimate need. When they choose not to engage others by talking, they are engaging the objective world in some other way, doing something observable. Seeing someone who appears to be disengaged from the objective world (in this case by choosing not to talk to others)--a state that they less prefer to be in--can be misconstrued as being in a bad state of mind.

Also consider that though we are able to consider these personality related differences, few people in the real world (the people who would likely say to us, "You're pretty quiet.") have considered this, understand cognitive preference differences, or have ever considered that other people think differently than they do.

So, some possible choices that I might consider in responding to that include:

• <head nod>, possibly with accompanying <shoulder shrug>
• "Yep."
• "I don't really have anything to say right now."
• "Was there something that you wanted me to talk to you about?" [to better known acquaintances, friends, or family]
• "Yes, that's pretty true. I happen to be an introvert." [if I thought I might be able to segue into a personality theory conversation]
• "Thank you for noticing. There are far too many people who talk just to hear themselves speak, aren't there?" [if I had a burr up my butt or perceive the comment as a negative critique]
• "The world is filled with superfluous noise and sonic clutter, so much so that it is hard to hear oneself think at times. I'm doing my part to cut down the noise and help people hear their own thoughts." [if I had 2 burrs up my butt]

When I first joined PerC I had been learning about typology extensively through viewing interaction videos on You Tube created by pneumocepter. [She took her videos down in December of 2013.] She is an INFJ who works in a lab as a microbiologist. One of her last videos, a shorty, was her relating a conversation with a coworker that began with, "You're pretty quiet, aren't you?" She used it to discuss briefly personality type preference.

So for me it is fairly context driven and mood inspired how I perceive/welcome such a comment and then how I reply. I am most offended by the psychological community who hold to the Extraversion/Introversion spectrum in the manner used in the Big 5/OCEAN/SLOAN, namely that Introversion is bad/unhealthy, Extraversion is good/healthy. That mode of thought emanating from people who spend time contemplating such things makes me angry.:angry:

EDIT: Oooo! I just thought of another response. Get the person's e-mail address (if the relationship is appropriate for that) and e-mail a link to this PerC thread!

Which is why I fluidly flip between INFP and ENFP.

Have you ever insulted someone by being quiet?

I got told once by family I rarely see that I was too quiet that it was rude, it was like I was keeping secrets and was up to no good. As far as I was aware I was listening to my family conversing at the dinner table with nothing productive to add to the conversation.

Being called mysterious is both an insult and a compliment.

Why do people assume you are hiding something when you don't speak?

An insult implies violation of a social more. It seems that different cultures were colliding. For example, consider one difference between dining in the US vs. dining in Japan. In Japan in restaurants when one is ready to place an order (so I have been told) one calls out loud for the server to come over. That action done in an American restaurant would be seen as rude, obnoxious, pretentious, and disruptive to the dining experience. In Japan it helps the server to serve you. In America it pisses off other patrons and the server.

Why the one and not the other? It seems to me that one could justify either manner of interaction. It all comes down to adherence to commonly accepted ways of interaction. It is what is expected. So my hunch is that whatever cultural context that distant relative came from, table talk was an expectation and possibly even taught to children as part of etiquette and decorum. [Mind you, I don't agree that it should be considered such. I only hold that it is possible that some culture may consider it as such.]

But, no, I have never to my recollection been told that my being quiet was rude with one exception. I have been taught that it is rude not to answer somebody when being directly addressed, generally in answering a question posed specifically to me.

Regarding your question, "Why do people assume you are hiding something when you don't speak?", I might offer of my own inner workings that in most cases I am hiding something. I don't think out loud (for the most part, and certainly not typically in the presence of others). I am not often in a Zen-like meditative state watching thoughts, emotions, etc., drift by. I'm usually churning out something, ruminating on my failings and weaknesses, considering implications of what is being discussed in a conversation, considering what the MBTI types of the individuals are, making evaluations of like/dislike over what others are wearing, considering what I have to do later in the day, coming up with a song that ties into the theme of the conversation and listening to it play in my mind, perhaps toying with some lewd and lecherous thought, etc. The truth is that such a statement would be factual if directed at me. I am up to something. Generally it's none of anybody else's business. If part of it does become appropriate and applicable to that other person, then I would share it when ready to.

 

[infinitybisect]

Some of my more outgoing coworkers do this. Out on the job with them, eating at a restaurant, he's chatting up the waitress, referring to her by the name on her name tag (which I didn't even notice she had on), and I'm just sitting here ordering my food and expecting her to go about her way. Then the look comes, and the shaking of the head that this introvert just doesn't get it...

 

[frugivore]

... and then my boss started picking on me in front of all my colleagues, she asked me why I'm being so quiet and if I'm always this quiet around my own family too and then she asked me if I often just eat my food at the dinner table without talking to my family

Your boss sounds like a knob.

(I don't know if that's just British slang. It's basically an insulting way of saying 'an idiot')

 

[frugivore]

All these have driven me to the edge and I've been seriously pondering about quitting this job. I refused to let anyone in my life treat me with such blatant disrespect.

I'm just waiting for the right moment to quit the job. I'm only a month in this job and I'm still under probation and if I were to quit right now I'll only end up making burning bridges with them as they have already spent lots of time training me.

I'm not surprised you are thinking about quitting. This woman is openly rude to you. She doesn't rate or respect you.

Who has spent the time training you? Is it possible to speak to someone above your boss about her behaviour? Could you be moved sideways (within the company) away from her? She sounds horrible.

otherwise, I think quitting is your only option. It's probably what I would do. This woman is trying to push you out, using some obnoxious tactics.