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Discussion Starter #1
Is it a conscious choice or are you a victim of circumstances?
Feel free to approach this subject from any angle you find most intriguing.

For me, it's mostly the first, but with a hint of martyrdom.

I'm quite picky, although I'm not a prize.
I crave for novelty. I get bored of places, situations, including people.
I don't take good care of myself. I could, but I don't care enough.
I have some issues that strictly affect relationships with other people.

As a bottomless pit, I crave for a relationship, but not enough to adjust.
 

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"I don't take good care of myself"

Same. If I just put in a little more effort, consistently, I would be ready and able I'm sure.

But why? No one would want to be with me anyway. There wre so many other people to choose from. So, I would rather not focus on what I want.
 
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MOTM Jan 2015
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I was in a relationship for most of my twenties - from about from 19-27. We lived together and were briefly engaged at the end, but it didn't work out. Most people I knew were getting married and/or having kids around that time, and there weren't as many avenues for meeting people - the days of big parties full of single people were over. I was a little isolated from everyone too, having been in couple mode for so long, and I no longer had some larger social network to help me meet or set me up with someone. Most of my interests and activities were more artistic or spiritual at the time, and I don't tend to be attracted to the sorts of men with similar interests for whatever reason (well, the exception being musicians, apparently). (I'll say too that I did try). I have a thing for stereotypically masculine types, which is a little unfortunate for me given that I'm not sure I'm all that stereotypically feminine (and they haven't had the best track record of giving me what I need emotionally - THOUGH! I will say that I've noticed a change in this recently, as these guys mature into older age). I felt a free spirited streak come back with a vengeance in singledom lol.

I knew that I was prob planning to leave the state (if I'm not tied down, let's have some fun with that), so I didn't put much effort into dating for a couple years. When I did date I felt completely socially retarded. I'd forgotten how to form relationships with people who weren't women, or guy friends. I was last single in a world before smart phones or FB, and it felt like the game had changed too. Plus, now everyone had all these romance buzzkilling adult concerns, like how much money you make, and regular 6 a.m. mornings that require stricter routines. The plan was to date when I did move and started getting settled into a new life at about 30, but then I dealt with some trauma and had to essentially work through a breakdown. It didn't help my feeling antisocial or like I didn't fit in with people, and I isolated myself even more than before.

I finally started dating with more... idk, purpose? lol (regularity?), when I was 31, though I felt like it was more for the practice in the event that someone came along. They didn't really :/ And I realized I wasn't sure I'd know how to recognize them if they did. I had time to form crushes on previous exes - and them me - and it puts so much pressure on things otherwise. At it's worse it can all feel like unnatural homework... following up on that one date of many. I can still get a date with most pretty much anyone I want (at least when looking at a smorgasbord of available options - ala a dating app, or bar scene), and so building feelings of anticipation towards any one person can be difficult. Plus, it's protective and sanity saving not to. People can be flakes, and when they don't know you or have any investment in you, can you blame them? I've done it too. And I continued a bad pattern - forming emotional attachments with people online, and meeting physical needs with people "irl" - kinda enjoying keeping it all mostly neatly separate. Actively trying to break that pattern now.

I'm also a perfectionist, and I get in my own head a lot. I think I need to lose about fifteen pounds - I achieved it, in like 2017-2018, but it's back now. I've psychoanalyzed why. When I lost it, it did require a lot of psychological probing (more so even than just concrete, physical changes). I'm naturally fairly ectomorphic (I'm 5'9" and small boned and was usually underweight until about my mid 20's... now I'm an average weight, honestly, but not happy with it - or comfortable in my specific body), and it wasn't that hard at all, so I wonder if a part of me is consciously choosing to be single. I've never been a fan of how my features photograph anyway (I've pretty consistently been told that I'm more attractive in person) - and just fifteen extra pounds can photograph like sh*t on a stick when you're a woman too :bored: So what am I doing in the selfie age? But then am I projecting a non-issue? I've met so many guys who photograph well who I'm not even remotely attracted to in person. And then guys who are so much hotter in person. But idk... dudes seem to care about pics, the status, the trophy, the idealization a lot. I'm perpetually split between wanting to rebel against or accept that. It doesn't help that an ex had a seeming preoccupation with looks that gave me a bit of a complex (I first crushed on him when I saw he'd won "best looking" in our yearbook... he was older).

Hmm, I could prob keep going, but I'd say it's a combo.
 

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Too many risks and caveats, never found a person that made them worth it.
I'm 32 and trying to have a relationship for the first time in my life. DAMN IT IS FRUSTRATING! .. but in a good way, I'm with a nay-sayer which is why I'm into her in the first place, she have an opinion, she's thinking, she's feisty AF politically, she's vocal when need to be. We're so similar. :kitteh:

I was single because I wanted to be single, then I figured "eh, might aswell try this 'relationship-thingy' everyone's obsessed about".
 

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I'd need to be bothered to go outside and meet people if I did not want to be single. Meaning travel next city over, I can't really be bothered.
Most of my age group here are spoken for, so...

Which doesn't imply I avoid it, I'm just fine being single but will consider the possibility once I meet someone.
 

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I took relationships seriously... so I finished school before anything.When your future is unsettled, pulling someone into your life seems irresponsible.

But now I found relationships to be enjoyable.. I tend to attract very nice people, so it has been good :D
I took relationships seriously up until I turned 32, then realised I'd rather take myself seriously.

Most people are not going to invest as much as I do in a relationship, and apart from sex on a tap, I don't know what else an SO has to offer me. I'm pretty self sufficient as it is.
 

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Charge'n Thru The Night
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I took relationships seriously up until I turned 32, then realised I'd rather take myself seriously.

Most people are not going to invest as much as I do in a relationship, and apart from sex on a tap, I don't know what else an SO has to offer me. I'm pretty self sufficient as it is.
good.. I think this is the way to do it.. your SO is just someone you enjoy your life with.. :d...simple things like going for a hike.. planting a blue berry bush in the garden... making a meal together.. :D

I feel relationships should enhance your already happy and fulfilled life, and not make your life happy or fulfilled.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
"I don't take good care of myself"

Same. If I just put in a little more effort, consistently, I would be ready and able I'm sure.

But why? No one would want to be with me anyway. There wre so many other people to choose from. So, I would rather not focus on what I want.
I was thinking something similar. I think with effort I could easily attract more people, but why? It would still be me, with a fitter body and more groomed face. If people forgave faulty characteristics easier for pleasing appearances, I wouldn't want to be with them. It has to start from other sources. Besides, the idea "you have to change yourself" is automatically met with resistance.



What do you want, though?
 

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Charge'n Thru The Night
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Sounds like any normal friendship - nothing committed or romantically special.

Have you ever had one of those?

I've gotten the impression that you haven't, lol.
Lol

For me, doing little things like this is romantic. Romance is not what you do but who you do it with.

What could be more romantic than spending time with someone you like and who really likes you back.. who looks at you with eyes filled with affection..

:D!
 

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I'm 32 and trying to have a relationship for the first time in my life. DAMN IT IS FRUSTRATING! .. but in a good way, I'm with a nay-sayer which is why I'm into her in the first place, she have an opinion, she's thinking, she's feisty AF politically, she's vocal when need to be. We're so similar. :kitteh:

I was single because I wanted to be single, then I figured "eh, might aswell try this 'relationship-thingy' everyone's obsessed about".
I've had and ended my fill of relationships. Enough to know singlehood is better than half-assed company.
 

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The infatuation phase has done nothing but damage my mental health. On a different note, I am starting to realize that many relationships around me are much less pleasant than I previously believed.

I recall the last time I had serious depression, my emotions were ignited merely by looking at pictures online. After weeks or months of this behavior, I became numb and something clicked again that said it should not concern me if others appear to be happy. For a time I was comparing myself to others and finally I desisted.

I have had many good relationships with both girls and boys in time and in fact my female friends were often my go to for communication about random things and ideas because they would listen. I have done the same to a lesser extent with the males; I mostly derive pleasure from the entertainment they provide for the most part. But many of my friends were more of outcasts, I never really got close to "normal" people and I have no interest in doing so. Physical attractiveness doesn't really pull me in, and I usually just feel no reason to talk to people who I don't know.

Besides that, looking around many relationships just entail a lot of trouble. Even brief ones. Even ones that I thought would be models of goodness and mutual respect have their moments of anger and fighting. The longest relationship I knew was actually concurrent with a secret affair. My grandfather admitted to having an affair with another woman while being married to my grandmother. That just goes to show that even what appears to be well from the outside, can actually be damaged in some way. There are worse examples, but I think it just seems more like trouble than anything good.
 

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Because I am not interested in someone and I dont actively look for people, I dont feel ready to be honest
 

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I was thinking something similar. I think with effort I could easily attract more people, but why? It would still be me, with a fitter body and more groomed face. If people forgave faulty characteristics easier for pleasing appearances, I wouldn't want to be with them. It has to start from other sources. Besides, the idea "you have to change yourself" is automatically met with resistance.



What do you want, though?
What do I want? Well I want to be healthy. I have good memories where I'm eating good foods, exercising and working up a sweat and testosterone, and actually going outside. All that changed however when I became homeless. It started with food, as I was eating a salad outside (because I'm homeless) and a man looked at me who was also homeless and I made him feel really really really bad for eating in front of him something that was good. Now I attach eating good food to being disrespectful. Who am I to be eating good food? I don't deserve it. Then came the whole going outside thing. With the bullying from the public and the business of their life, I don't want to be around people at all. They make noise, they pollute, they don't recycle, etc etc and when I'm out and about all I think is that I don't fit in. Finally came the exercise, when I was assaulted and raped I started to hate my body. Today, though, I looked at myself in the mirror and apologized to myself. And forgave myself. I notice one eye is watery and awake while the other is heavy and paralyzed. Trying to love myself. I wonder if half of me is lying to myself when I'm talking to myself and ask questions like "am I doing a good job loving you" and it says "yes" when it really means no.
 
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