[shameless]

Obviously only asking if that is the case.

 

[shameless]

I thought about this recent because another user here kept tagging me in another thread to try to pinpoint why I am single. He completely ignored the part about my saying most of the time I do not even want to date men.

Skipped over that to tell me why I attract some of the weird men I do and what was wrong with me.

Anyways here I thought it was more to do with living in an isolated area not meeting the right people. Like sure I can go pick up a bar fly.

I can also pick up ENM, Neo Gendered, Fury, Queer. Or some woman married to an Andrew Tate wannabe who wants to watch sure let me be your unicorn.

I can go pick up a 20 year old dude who would like a mommy to teach them how to fuck or to punish them for being a really bad boy

I can pretend to be interested in this 40 yr old talking for 2 hours about a vacation they took telling me about every person they met along the way name/back story included.

 

[ENTJudgement]

I thought about this recent because another user here kept tagging me in another thread to try to pinpoint why I am single. He completely ignored the part about my saying most of the time I do not even want to date men.

Skipped over that to tell me why I attract some of the weird men I do and what was wrong with me.

Anyways here I thought it was more to do with living in an isolated area not meeting the right people. Like sure I can go pick up a bar fly.

I can also pick up ENM, Neo Gendered, Fury, Queer. Or some woman married to an Andrew Tate wannabe who wants to watch sure let me be your unicorn.

I can go pick up a 20 year old dude who would like a mommy to teach them how to fuck or to punish them for being a really bad boy

I can pretend to be interested in this 40 yr old talking for 2 hours about a vacation they took telling me about every person they met along the way name/back story included.

From what you wrote, I'ma summarize it to 2 words, high standards. Absolutely nothing wrong with having high standards but from the most logical perspective, thats what you're essentially saying and should tell the busy body, here are my standards, find a man who matches it or fk off.

 

[UpClosePersonal]

From what you wrote, I'ma summarize it to 2 words, high standards. Absolutely nothing wrong with having high standards but from the most logical perspective, thats what you're essentially saying and should tell the busy body, here are my standards, find a man who matches it or fk off.

I love the way your mind just cuts to the chase. Always entertaining and informative. And upon reflection holds up within its own context.

 

[shameless]

From what you wrote, I'ma summarize it to 2 words, high standards. Absolutely nothing wrong with having high standards but from the most logical perspective, thats what you're essentially saying and should tell the busy body, here are my standards, find a man who matches it or fk off.

Being attracted to someone who identifies as a human, that identifies as either male or female, isn't always drunk, and is not already in a relationship is high standards 🙃

I am dying of laughter right now

 

[shameless]

I love the way your mind just cuts to the chase. Always entertaining and informative. And upon reflection holds up within its own context.

I will agree with that

Yes this is true for him

 

[WickerDeer]

I think I have mental health issues (I do), and yet I hear similar sentiment from other women as well (thought that alone shouldn't mean much since you can hear all sorts of silly sentiment nowa-days, especially bitter bs from single men about women)...but sometimes I don't even know if I fit into this world.

As a kid I felt pulled to be a monk and I also sometimes imagined everything would be easier if I were to be a nun--but then again I'm not religious, even if my family has a history of being members of the clergy.

But seriously, sometimes it just feels like the world is full of these like...like everything romantic is just some kind of spit test, where you spit on a wall and see what sticks. It's disgusting. I expect romance to be this grand thing and so I don't know who to give a chance to...I feel infatuated with a guy and he's a douche. I feel meh about a guy and he's a good guy but still douche by my standards for true love... I FAIL at romance.

I'm not bi or lesbian but I, increasingly, can't imagine having a quality relationship with a man. I am crossing my fingers that one day I might find my true love, or else I'll just assume that most people just aren't fortunate enough to find true love? And that I am just living something a little worse than the norm? I just read a couple love stories--one was about Sita and Rama, and I was crying at the end because Rama still couldn't trust Sita even after she had suffered so much. It made romance seem so vapid. Then Another love story about Loki the Norse god and the Giantess he had kids with (kids who would bring about the end of the world)...that was slightly more romantic, and the most uplifting part of the story was the lesbian relationship between Loki's wife and Skadi, the Giantess.

I feel like the blueprint I learned Love from was some Disney thing and that doesn't work--and yet it would be silly to suggest that not being heterosexual makes it any easier, because it doesn't.

So the world sucks? Romance sucks?

On a brighter note, my ESTP dad has met a nice woman finally, not someone totally crazy. I want to support their relationship since two good people in a good relationship is just good. So maybe there is more hope for ESTP if they can meet great people in their seventies! lol My dad has more of a love life than I do, and I am so happy for him and his girlfriend. I do believe in the power of love, but it just hasn't really crossed my personal path for a long time.

 

[WickerDeer]

But the short answer could be:

I am fat, middle aged woman who is fairly under-achiever, struggles with mental health, and poor...and on top of that I am not very pretty, plus I have some issues with trauma that keep me from going out and socializing as much as I could.

🤷‍♀️

And yet I'm not that sad about it!

 

[ENTJudgement]

Being attracted to someone who identifies as a human, that identifies as either male or female, isn't always drunk, and is not already in a relationship is high standards 🙃

I am dying of laughter right now

Cmon girl, we both know you have a lot more standards than that I'm gonna attempt to translate some of this just for fun :3

I can go pick up a 20 year old dude who would like a mommy to teach them how to fuck or to punish them for being a really bad boy

No boys, men only, you don't wanna be their mom coz they're too young and inexperienced, this line by itself would generally apply a very long list of standards coz what are men expected to do/have done around your age?
1. Financially stable, accumulated enough resources
2. Well travelled, seen the world, has worldly experience, doesn't think America is the world and each state is a country
3. Not an idiot, not naïve or born yesterday in his way of thinking, understanding and knowledge
4. Strong, dependable, reliable, has integrity, competent, fits in with society, sociable, communicates well, some leadership qualities, some degree of kindness and generosity, courageous (I know you in particular don't like cowardly men coz my Ni said so ) etc... (How did I just come up with these qualities? Coz employers look for these in their employees and a man is expected to be in a decent career, doing decently well so should automatically possess alot of these)
Theres more but you get the point.

I can pretend to be interested in this 40 yr old talking for 2 hours about a vacation they took telling me about every person they met along the way name/back story included.

He needs to be interesting, probably humorous, entertaining, common interests, able to converse well/hold a convo, socially adept, takes interest in your life and not just talk about his etc...

P.S I identify as a human male, I don't even drink and I'm not in a relationship, if I was to ask women out with just that, they wouldn't even look at me. Those are EXPECTED qualities rather than DESIRABLE qualities. Desirable qualities are what separates the top % of men to the majority of men, the cherry on top, whats attractive about him. Expected qualities are what you already expected, ain't no woman getting wet over expected qualities but they will throw a disgust face at you if you don't even possess expected qualities.

 

[shameless]

@WickerDeer

You see yourself so much different than I view you. I am all for constructive criticisms, but I do not view you like that from pics I saw of you before.

I relate to you on I guess underachiever and poor when I look at the large picture of incomes people discuss etc. I think you have more formal credentials than myself as far as completed degree etc.

Was not going to comment on m.h. cuz not for me to assess. I just wanted to say I considered your critique of yourself. I think you have a very attractive character and persona and appeared cute. Just saying

 

[ENTJudgement]

I feel meh about a guy and he's a good guy but still douche by my standards for true love... I FAIL at romance.

What are your standards for true love though? I personally believe that if you're being completely fair to both sides and the equation is balanced, it SHOULD work out but often, people either aren't balancing the equation or theres no way to definitively know that each side is gonna get their share of agreed yields from the other. Or the fact that theres an equation in the first place upsets the idealist which in itself is the biggest problem coz if you can truly love someone unconditionally to that degree, why do you need a romantic relationship? That transcends romantic relationships and goes straight into the last form of love which is loving people outside of family and spouse.

 

[WickerDeer]

@WickerDeer

You see yourself so much different than I view you. I am all for constructive criticisms, but I do not view you like that from pics I saw of you before.

I relate to you on the I guess underachiever and poor when I look at the large picture of incomes people discuss etc. I think you have more formal credentials than myself as far as completed degree etc.

Was not going to comment on m.h. cuz not for me to assess. I just wanted to say I considered your critique of yourself. I think you have a very attractive character and persona and appeared cute. Just saying

Thank you! Yeah--I think of attraction as subjective, and I do think there could be people who are attracted to me but I felt like giving some realistic common sense answer too.

I could work on my body and it would probably make me more attractive to more people. At the same time, I feel like working on your body is better to do for other reasons--to be healthy, to have fun, to be able to do more.

How has rollerskating been going? I have barely learned to roller blade but now I've been wanting to try skating since they do all these dance moves! And it looks like fun.

I could definitely stand to improve my physical care of myself, but I appreciate you saying that you see attractive character and other positive qualities for dating! Thanks! 😊

 

[WickerDeer]

What are your standards for true love though? I personally believe that if you're being completely fair to both sides and the equation is balanced, it SHOULD work out but often, people either aren't balancing the equation or theres no way to definitively know that each side is gonna get their share of agreed yields from the other. Or the fact that theres an equation in the first place upsets the idealist which in itself is the biggest problem coz if you can truly love someone unconditionally to that degree, why do you need a romantic relationship? That transcends romantic relationships and goes straight into the last form of love which is loving people outside of family and spouse.

I think it's subjective from both sides--so you could have two completely amazing and wonderful people, but they might not really fit with each other romantically.

So "both sides" really just means that both people have the same depth and quality of feelings for the other?

I can love people outside of family and spouse, but I still wish for romance...for something selfish and equal, and physical. But without it, I will still try to do my best to be good to the world and to love it properly. There are lots of worthy of love in the world and they won't all have romantic matches. The world is full of creatures that are worthy of love, and it is also full of love.

I always wanted romance really bad since I was a kid, but it's possible my fate is to just be someone who loves others and who doesn't have a romantic relationship. Even like, volunteering or helping others is an important act on earth. It's just not selfishly rewarding the same way as being in a mutually passionate romantic relationship is.

When you really think about it, all of us are fortunate because we are even able to type these thoughts. Even if none of us ever had a mutual romantic relationship that was satisfying.

 

[islandlight]

My current location is isolated, and my previous location was also isolated.

In such situations, not only are the options limited, but it can be unwise to get involved, because everyone is connected. This person is your best friend's ex, that one has a ferocious dispute with your neighbor, etc.

And then if you split up, it can be awkward because your ex is the only mechanic, or works in the grocery store or doctor's office, and you can't avoid them.

As one person put it, you have to "import" someone from elsewhere. But most men won't bother traveling to meet a woman, when they can find someone in their own city. (As a woman, I have traveled -- even to other continents -- to meet an interesting man.)

Aside from that, no one has even looked at me for 5 years, as far as I know. Okay, I did meet a guy (online) who lived on a nice boat. He was nice and everything, but we didn't click.

So if you live in a city and there are lots of people to meet, and ways to meet them, etc., you might meet a few nice people a year. In a couple of years you might meet the right one. But if, like me, you meet one nice person every 5 years, well, at this rate I'll be dead before anything happens.

Also, at my age, many people have become bitter about relationships and say they're "happy" being single. So that narrows the field a lot.

I'm not "happy" about being single, but I am reluctant to deal with many of the negative aspects of a relationship. So I'm not as likely to take a chance.

I have my dumb little life and my apartment. I don't want to throw it all away on a drunk, a liar, a rip-off artist, a guy who watches reality TV all evening, or a guy who insults me, accuses me, or "corrects" me when he has no idea what he's talking about ...

I want someone who actually likes me. I am meeting such men! But they have other plans for their lives, or there's something else that rules out romance between us.

 

[DOGSOUP]

Didn't become deeply interested/invested in anyone while dating, now am too lazy to put in the effort to date.

Also hi @WickerDeer good to see you back.

 

[WickerDeer]

I think this thread is a good reminder to me that I should try to take care of my physical body--not only to be attractive, but also to enjoy life and other people.

I was thinking about this already, but I'm going to take this as confirmation to focus on it more. Enjoying the world, the senses, and other people--the physical body is important and it deserves care and respect.

Maybe then, it will be easier for me to get along with another human being, if I can get along with my own body! 😋

 

[ENTJudgement]

So to answer this topic's question, there are 2 answers, 1 should come from within/yourself and thats what you expect, look for and want in your s.o the other part should come from the opposing gender viewing you coz we don't want you to guess what makes you attractive or not to other people, we want them to tell you whether you're attractive to them or not and why.

The most accurate way is if your crush or the people you actually like tells you why they find you attractive or unattractive. The issue with this is people usually either wanna spare your feelings or not wanna look like a dick so they will usually lie or down play what was truly unattractive about you.

Once we have both what you want/expect and also how others whom you're attracted to views you, then we can see why you're single.

Without knowing the answers to the above, we can still assume the following;
Are you single due to the equation mismatching or due to you simply being too reclusive/not enough people knowing about you?

I personally think, given the information I have that for me personally, it's a combination of;
High standards & being reclusive with the percentage weightings of probably 20% due to having high standards and 80% being to being too reclusive for a guy who doesn't physically stand out or have any striking qualities which grabs attention.

 

[Gamine]

Because I would rather be single than miserable with the wrong person. Also, prob because I am more of a hermit than going out. Limits chance meetings.

 

[Flabarac Brupip]

I spent my early adulthood getting repeatedly agonized and heartbroken because I didn't know how to play the fuckin' game right, even though I'm "handsome". I realized I was slowly killing myself. So rather than become some bitter incel or volcel, I just decided I was gonna find comfort in myself first and foremost, and not depend on finding a woman, or not reject all women either. I'm okay with being single now and not having sex, but I'm still open to having a woman if it just happens organically and if I don't have to play the stupid games that neurotypicals play when they're trying to find love or sex.

So anyways, I'm usually single because I am diagnosed with schizophrenia, because I choose not to drive, and because I choose not to work, and finally because I don't play that wretched game.

 

[ENTJudgement]

I think it's subjective from both sides--so you could have two completely amazing and wonderful people, but they might not really fit with each other romantically.

This has never happened to me before, I have never met a woman who I thought was amazing, wonderful, physically attractive but I thought, nah, I'm not romantically interested in her. So maybe you and I are different enough none of the stuff I say even applies to you, definitely possible coz IDK how you think and what I wrote was under the assumption that you'd be able to at least list out what you want, what you offer and when 2 sides of the equation matches, bingo.

So "both sides" really just means that both people have the same depth and quality of feelings for the other?

Nah it was talking about what you want vs what you provide so person X wants A B C and offers D E F, person Y wants D E F and offers A B C, bingo we have a match. But if person Y offers just L then no match, coz person X not only doesn't care about L, person X also wants 2 extra qualities ontop.

I can love people outside of family and spouse, but I still wish for romance...for something selfish and equal, and physical.

OK so basically not unconditional love you're seeking, it's conditional coz unconditional love cannot be selfish. This means what I said should apply coz if you have selfishness in your love then the other person can have selfishness in his love and the equations can balance.