I do the same thing when I like someone and its hard to move on sometimes. What sometimes helps is to make lists in your head about why it wouldn't work and what some of their flaws are or what characteristics wouldn't mesh well with your personality. This will help you to take them off the pedestool we ENFJ's tend to put the one's we love on.
I've missed out on some great relationships in the past because I was scared to show my feelings. ENFJ's can be so affectionate with everyone but the one's we have crushes on. In such a bizarre trait if ours and hard to graple with even as an adult! Sigh.
Are you sure you are not INFP, because the piedestal is an INFP trademark. :happy
I read about the exact thing related to iNFPs and relationships and I also lived it)
Regarding missing out, I remember emotions pretty well even as time goes by, so the torment I felt when missing out will always be remembered very vividly, the worse alternative pales compared to that torment, so actually trying is always the less tormenting way for me. Plus, if you don't try, you have automatically failed and lose hope, while if you try, you still have a chance. That's basically how I view things.
So...today for some reason, I thought about all of my past loves, infatutions, and all the other guys in my life. And I realized that I have some great memories. And it gave me joy. I'm happy that I had him in my life in the point that he was in. And now he is gone but I'm not sad about it anymore.
It's like the saying "don't be sad that its over, be happy that it happened." And thats how I feel about the guy who I've been dreaming about. I'm happy for how he made me feel at that time. And I'm happy for the time that i was granted with him. Who knows who I will meet next.
That's positive thinking and yeah, eventually this is aa phase closer to the final healing. I'm glad you are feeling better.:happy:
Yeah, it is a definite lesson on what I need not to do when it comes to stuff like this...
I'll be more specific now that the memories really aren't hurting me anymore. I snap back really quickly once I face stuff down
But anyway I worked with the guy and we flirted all the time and we just had this off the chart chemistry and I would catch him staring at me all the time. And he would just give me this look that just would immediately make me melt. Well I was in college at the time and I graduated just in May so when school was over; he returned back home for the summer which consequently is the same as my hometown. I allowed a month to go by before I attempted contact with him. I told him that I just wanted to hang out because I missed him. I did this because I didn't want to involve my emotions. I just wanted to be around him. Well at least thats what I told myself. But anyway he holds a job right now where he works at least fifty hours a week so he's always tired. He told me that he feels that all that he does is sleep and work but he agreed to hang out. Well that never happened. On his off days, I would attempt to make contact but nothing ever came of it. He seemed very hot and cold. BUT he did tell me that he was so tired that he really didn't much of anything. I didn't fully understand what that meant until recently when I got a 50 hour job like three weeks ago.
I've been so tired that I haven't seen anyone in a long time. And it does feel like all that I do is sleep and work so I can understand where he is coming from with that. But when I contacted him; it was always sparse so I wouldn't get on his nerves but it never resulted in anything.
So this is when things go terribly wrong....I got drunk one night..TERRIBLE MISTAKE...and I texted him and told him that I wanted to mess around with him and he told me that he was down for that. We didn't mess around that particular night because he was on his way to the beach but when he got back; he wouldn't respond to my text about meeting up. So I got drunk again and attempted to text him again but this time I actually told him that I was drunk and to which he responded that he thought that we should just leave things as it is. I responded with this long long text about all I asked was for something simple yadda....no emotions involved yadda..all of which was (excuse my language) bullshit. And he responded that he got that but that he didn't want to hook up though. So I told him ok and that we will always be cool.
So I basically avoided my emotions the whole entire time so I wouldn't get rejected and in the end (the avoiding my emotions part) got me rejected. My last communication with him was an email I sent that said that I was thankful that he said no because he meant so much more to me than a hookup. And I thanked him for being such a great guy who always made my time at work fun. And that was about two weeks ago and I have no plans on contacting him again.
I mean my relationships are usually slightly weirder because I'm a black girl who typically gravitates to white guys. And this guy is white and we live in the south so that plays a factor in the me avoiding my emotions because although I have tons of white guys who like me; usually they don't make moves on me because they don't get that I like them or because of the culture of the deep south. In addition, my young looking face gets me rejected as well so I'm overly anxious about making moves because I get friend zoned often (although i'm not sure if thats the case here but it could be)
BUT ANYWAY, I'm happy that I worked with him. We always had these deep talks and it made for great memories to go along with my other great memories of the past. And now after reflecting, I realize that my biggest mistake is that I didn't go for it ALL THE WAY. I half assed it. I made an attempt but I never flat out told him that I liked him because I was too afraid of being rejected. I even went the laziest route possible of trying to have sex with him because I was so desperate to be around him but I didn't want to make myself emotionally vulnerable to him so I went the physical route. I'm happy that he rejected me because it means that from now on:
I HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY. I have to be completely vulnerable and lay my emotions on the line
To Seeking Sanity: you are very correct. It taught me a lot. And unless I want similar results. I gotta learn from my mistakes:laughing: Thank you all for your comments and keep them coming if you want because they help so much
Well, yeah, you are right, you do have to go all the way, bu I wouldn't feel bad for how you behaved. I mean, sometimes we don't have the strength to just go and offer our heart on a silver platter. It's normal to start off easy, with a joke or with casual conversation, ask them out , I mean, to get to know a person really well, you do have first to talk, have fun go out on a few dates and sometimes even if you live with that person for many months you still don't know everything about them. To me that's normal and a sign of interest, usually, peopel pick up these signs and get them...
The way he behaved just makes me think he just wasn't interested that much in a relationship with you and he probably has his reasons for that, some relationships aren't ment to happen and I don' know about you, but I wouldn't want to be involved with a person that cannot commit to our relationship 100%. I'm usually working 40-45 hours per week, I probably had weeks with 50 hours and if I really cared about someone, I would still find enough energy in me to go do that. I'm remembering college years, I had classes for 6 hours a day, than I would go meet the one I was with than for a couple of hours and in the evening talk to her on the phone for anothe couple of hours (either she would call me, or I would call her) and it felt natural and I loved doing that. And we met almost daily, even in he begining of the relationship and I did the same with others too. And that's nothing...like if she was away (out of town) I would consider going there to visit her, even if it met a 10 hour train ride during the night and than staying in the morning for a few hours in the station's "bar" with all the drunks (imagine a poorly lit room smellling of hard lichoer and full of ciggarette smoke) till 7AM...than roaming the streets till I considered she would have awaken, so I can call her at tease her asking her about the surroundigs (she was thinking I was googling the place and making fun of her:laughing:, ahhh, the face that she had when she actually saw me)...anyway, I think I am going off track and this was just an example, this is just a drop in the ocean from what I did to show I liked/loved somebody and even less from what I would be capable of doing. And he didn't even want to see you and hang out with you...? I mean, I'll give you another example, a few days ago was supposed to go meet with a girl-friend to go see a movie and I like her, she is great, though not sure that I want more than just her friendship and I came from work (after an 8 hour shift + 1-2 hours on the road), I was so tired I ate something, fell on the couch and fell asleep, but I still found the resources to control myself and wake up in 30 minutes to go to that movie...and I can understand once, twice...I don't know, if he really wanted to meet you, he had days off, weekends and even 30 minutes when you ahve dinner, you can take it out in the town together you know? When you want something real bad, you find ways to do it. So, I wouldn't feel bad about how you behaved, if I were you, I'd just move on to find somebody who is worth my love and who cangive it the way I want it and deserve it.
PS: The movie was "Soul kitchen", I want all ENFJs to go see it cause it's a killer.:laughing: I laughed my ass of and the main character is definitely an ENFJ...I think.:happy:
