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So, this is as simple as it is. I had this guy who I worked with that I liked. I tried to pursue something deeper with him and after I basically ruined my chances; he told me that we should just leave things like they are. I accepted what he had to say about it and now I'm ready to move on. I'm not going to do anything else to try to pursue him because I'm going to respect his wishes. He is apparently not interested. But yet I can't stop dreaming about him. And it's driving me nuts. During the day, I am fine. He does cross my mind but I feel like I am fine with him basically shutting down anything else. I appreciate what we did have at work which was amazing chemistry and this crazy attraction. And I deeply appreciate that it happened because it made my work experience so great. I don't regret it all but although I feel fine about his decision. I can't stop dreaming about him in this romantic way. Why can't I stop the dreams? Why am I not ok with this subconsciously. I can't stop the dreams. Like today, I had a nap and I hadn't thought of him in days yet I had another dream about him.

Maybe, I'm disconnected when it comes to my subconscious and my conscious state but I really do respect his wishes. I ruined my chances with him and now I should just move on. I just don't understand why I understand consciously but not in my subconscious. I guess if this helps, I'm guessing that his type is ISTP but it's a pure guess. I'm still not sure what my type is. I just needed to vent and I'm making myself vulnerable in order to see if anyone else has had this problem.

Truthfully I take rejection in a great way. I know that there are many fish in the sea and that I can find another great guy. That isn't the issue. I just don't understand why he keeps popping up in my dreams when all I want to do is move on and learn from this situation.

By the way, it is still hard for me to post on here because I'm not used to talking to people who I cannot see. And I'm such a people pleaser that I'm always afraid of being offensive. So any help will be appreciated. Mucho Gracias
 

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It's an ENFJ thing I think. We do obsess about the ones who get away.
I have been like that in the past. Although most of the time I just had the thoughts and dreams and never actually told the person about my feelings, because rejection was not something I was willing to risk. Good luck with that.
 
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So, this is as simple as it is. I had this guy who I worked with that I liked. I tried to pursue something deeper with him and after I basically ruined my chances; he told me that we should just leave things like they are. I accepted what he had to say about it and now I'm ready to move on. I'm not going to do anything else to try to pursue him because I'm going to respect his wishes. He is apparently not interested. But yet I can't stop dreaming about him. And it's driving me nuts. During the day, I am fine. He does cross my mind but I feel like I am fine with him basically shutting down anything else. I appreciate what we did have at work which was amazing chemistry and this crazy attraction. And I deeply appreciate that it happened because it made my work experience so great. I don't regret it all but although I feel fine about his decision. I can't stop dreaming about him in this romantic way. Why can't I stop the dreams? Why am I not ok with this subconsciously. I can't stop the dreams. Like today, I had a nap and I hadn't thought of him in days yet I had another dream about him.

Maybe, I'm disconnected when it comes to my subconscious and my conscious state but I really do respect his wishes. I ruined my chances with him and now I should just move on. I just don't understand why I understand consciously but not in my subconscious. I guess if this helps, I'm guessing that his type is ISTP but it's a pure guess. I'm still not sure what my type is. I just needed to vent and I'm making myself vulnerable in order to see if anyone else has had this problem.

Truthfully I take rejection in a great way. I know that there are many fish in the sea and that I can find another great guy. That isn't the issue. I just don't understand why he keeps popping up in my dreams when all I want to do is move on and learn from this situation.

By the way, it is still hard for me to post on here because I'm not used to talking to people who I cannot see. And I'm such a people pleaser that I'm always afraid of being offensive. So any help will be appreciated. Mucho Gracias
It may be a NF thing (not just ENFJ)...I would say, don't be so hard on yourself, what you are going through is normal. When you have a lot of feelings for someone, you kind of give them a little piece of your heart and they get to keep it even after it's over. The more you give to someone the more you give from your heart and if you don't get enough in return you end up feeling bad. What you need is to replace that missing piece with love from other people, from your friends, your family, to go out, have fun, get this off your mind. It will take some time, but the good news it will stop eventually. We have a saying here, not sure how to translate it, but basically in order to get over love, you need more love. And I'm not saying to jump into a different relationship, because that would be bad if you are not ready, but when you will find somebody else, you can be sure you will feel better. So you can guide your hopes and dreams in that direction (not to obsess over somethign you cannot change). Before you will get there, you can replace that with the love family/friends give you. I've been (probably) in a worse situation than you and this is how I am dealing with it, at least. Oh yeah, plus the love my kitty gives me.:laughing: I don't know how many cats do this, but yesterday, she came (I was lying down) and lied on my chest, looking at me and doing those things cats do with their paws...how many cats do this?:laughing:

You're a people pleaser, well, please me and forget about it.:laughing: (yeah, I know, it's not easy, but ENFJs know how to have fun, so don't let it stop you from enjoying life) You have to program your mind with other people in it, to forget about him, focus on those who love you and dream about spending time with them. THey will act like branches to take you off the old path on to the new one.

It's an ENFJ thing I think. We do obsess about the ones who get away.
I have been like that in the past. Although most of the time I just had the thoughts and dreams and never actually told the person about my feelings, because rejection was not something I was willing to risk. Good luck with that.
Well, the thing is, if you don't try, you will always wonder what if. It seems that she tried, so she knows what would have happend if. The fact that it didn't work out, well, not all relationships are ment to work out, in some cases the differences are too big.
 

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i would find someone else to obsess over, i usually pick a celebrity lol, until someone else walks into my life.
 

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Well, the thing is, if you don't try, you will always wonder what if. It seems that she tried, so she knows what would have happend if. The fact that it didn't work out, well, not all relationships are ment to work out, in some cases the differences are too big.
Yeah I know, but I wasn't always a confident person, I was painfully shy when I was younger (with the very occasional bout of confidence now and then). Bearing in mind that to start dating my reserved ISFJ, I had to ask him out, which was the first time I ever did that. I even had a back up plan so that I could play it down if I was rejected.
 

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Thank you all for your responses. It helps a lot.

To kiwigirl--Yeah, I really do obsess over the ones that get away but of course there's always a reason why it didn't work out so I usually this eases my mind but for some reason this guy really did slip past all my defense mechanisms that I use to guard my heart. So this is situation is freaking me out a little. Everytime I think that I'm over him and I don't think about him, I dream about him. It's like he is stuck in my subconsious or something. He must represent something to me. I'll figure it out eventually. I believe that a lot of my obsession stems from the fact that he is one of the few people I feel like I can truly be myself around. I think he represents a lot of what I wish I had. But I wanted to tell you to just go for it when it comes to taking risk. I have lately. And although I've been failing a lot; I like knowing that I at least tried and found out instead of always wondering of what would've happened. In addition, I was also painfully shy and very awkward when I was younger. It made my life seem so difficult. And I think in my adult life it manifested in me by making me very afraid to take risks when it comes to approaching other people but I keep pushing myself out of my box because its such a great learning experience

To Razvan--I really do love that saying that you said about getting over love; you need more love. It's the exact opposite of how I usually react. I usually isolate myself and that makes things much worse. But with your solution of more love from my family and friends and other sources, I think that will have a much better result because in my isolation; I think way too much and my attention always shifts back to him so I am going to take your advice

To Kalifornia310---Sadly my obsessions with celebrities died a while back. I can't obsess over people I don't know anymore. It's weird because I used to love love love Orlando Bloom but now I can't even remember why I would like someone who I've never seen. I think it's because I'm now obsessed with chemistry and the way a guy makes me feel when he looks in my eyes and I can't get that from a tv or a magazine. The real interaction with guys is what drives me. :tongue:
 

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Thanks ashmk3! I looked at the link and it made me pause and reflected. And I realized that I am trying to run from the pain from this rejection by acting as if I'm all patched up and ready to move on with my life but the truth is that I need to pause and just feel the pain. And I can't rush the healing process. He keeps popping up in my dreams because the emotions are still there and basically my subconscious is telling me to slow down and just realize how much he meant to me. And to just allow myself to be vulnerable to all these emotions. I have to learn that its ok to grieve. I've always had this problem. My dad died when I was ten and I didn't cry about it for at least a year because I didn't want to upset my other family members. I'm so used to being the strong one that it is hard for me to allow myself to just feel the pain. And in this scenario with this guy, the truth of the matter is that I liked him. I liked him a lot. And just because my head is saying just move on so you won't feel anything. My heart is still hurting. And I all I wanted was for him to like me back and that is what is manifesting in my dreams, I guess.

He represented to me a certain kind of freedom. A freedom that it is was ok to be myself. And now that I know that there are guys like him out there. I can rest a little easier knowing that I can find a guy that I can become vulnerable with even if it is not him.

I really do appreciate all of ya'll allowing me to vent. It has helped me so much. Thank you again. And please continue commenting
 

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It's an ENFJ thing I think. We do obsess about the ones who get away.
I have been like that in the past. Although most of the time I just had the thoughts and dreams and never actually told the person about my feelings, because rejection was not something I was willing to risk. Good luck with that.
Heavens to Mergatroid! Guilty as charged. I had the hardest time telling people how I felt because it showed my vulnerabilty to the rejection. I had crushes on some and never acted. however, there were others that I never acted on and they great friends and I would never change that.

Gstar I don't know if my advice is sage in this one. I say dreams should be enjoyed at times if that makes you happy then hey. If it is meant to be it will be in the sense is time changes things if you remain cool and supportive that may change in a year. To qoute Guns N Roses " All we need is a little patience."
 

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I do the same thing when I like someone and its hard to move on sometimes. What sometimes helps is to make lists in your head about why it wouldn't work and what some of their flaws are or what characteristics wouldn't mesh well with your personality. This will help you to take them off the pedestool we ENFJ's tend to put the one's we love on.

I've missed out on some great relationships in the past because I was scared to show my feelings. ENFJ's can be so affectionate with everyone but the one's we have crushes on. In such a bizarre trait if ours and hard to graple with even as an adult! Sigh.
 

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So...today for some reason, I thought about all of my past loves, infatutions, and all the other guys in my life. And I realized that I have some great memories. And it gave me joy. I'm happy that I had him in my life in the point that he was in. And now he is gone but I'm not sad about it anymore.

It's like the saying "don't be sad that its over, be happy that it happened." And thats how I feel about the guy who I've been dreaming about. I'm happy for how he made me feel at that time. And I'm happy for the time that i was granted with him. Who knows who I will meet next.
 

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I'm guilty of obsessing over a guy as well. You had said that you know you messed things up. Your dreams even though they are of what you wanted to have they could be showing you how to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. Just a thought on it is all.....
 

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Yeah, it is a definite lesson on what I need not to do when it comes to stuff like this...

I'll be more specific now that the memories really aren't hurting me anymore. I snap back really quickly once I face stuff down

But anyway I worked with the guy and we flirted all the time and we just had this off the chart chemistry and I would catch him staring at me all the time. And he would just give me this look that just would immediately make me melt. Well I was in college at the time and I graduated just in May so when school was over; he returned back home for the summer which consequently is the same as my hometown. I allowed a month to go by before I attempted contact with him. I told him that I just wanted to hang out because I missed him. I did this because I didn't want to involve my emotions. I just wanted to be around him. Well at least thats what I told myself. But anyway he holds a job right now where he works at least fifty hours a week so he's always tired. He told me that he feels that all that he does is sleep and work but he agreed to hang out. Well that never happened. On his off days, I would attempt to make contact but nothing ever came of it. He seemed very hot and cold. BUT he did tell me that he was so tired that he really didn't much of anything. I didn't fully understand what that meant until recently when I got a 50 hour job like three weeks ago.

I've been so tired that I haven't seen anyone in a long time. And it does feel like all that I do is sleep and work so I can understand where he is coming from with that. But when I contacted him; it was always sparse so I wouldn't get on his nerves but it never resulted in anything.

So this is when things go terribly wrong....I got drunk one night..TERRIBLE MISTAKE...and I texted him and told him that I wanted to mess around with him and he told me that he was down for that. We didn't mess around that particular night because he was on his way to the beach but when he got back; he wouldn't respond to my text about meeting up. So I got drunk again and attempted to text him again but this time I actually told him that I was drunk and to which he responded that he thought that we should just leave things as it is. I responded with this long long text about all I asked was for something simple yadda....no emotions involved yadda..all of which was (excuse my language) bullshit. And he responded that he got that but that he didn't want to hook up though. So I told him ok and that we will always be cool.

So I basically avoided my emotions the whole entire time so I wouldn't get rejected and in the end (the avoiding my emotions part) got me rejected. My last communication with him was an email I sent that said that I was thankful that he said no because he meant so much more to me than a hookup. And I thanked him for being such a great guy who always made my time at work fun. And that was about two weeks ago and I have no plans on contacting him again.

I mean my relationships are usually slightly weirder because I'm a black girl who typically gravitates to white guys. And this guy is white and we live in the south so that plays a factor in the me avoiding my emotions because although I have tons of white guys who like me; usually they don't make moves on me because they don't get that I like them or because of the culture of the deep south. In addition, my young looking face gets me rejected as well so I'm overly anxious about making moves because I get friend zoned often (although i'm not sure if thats the case here but it could be)

BUT ANYWAY, I'm happy that I worked with him. We always had these deep talks and it made for great memories to go along with my other great memories of the past. And now after reflecting, I realize that my biggest mistake is that I didn't go for it ALL THE WAY. I half assed it. I made an attempt but I never flat out told him that I liked him because I was too afraid of being rejected. I even went the laziest route possible of trying to have sex with him because I was so desperate to be around him but I didn't want to make myself emotionally vulnerable to him so I went the physical route. I'm happy that he rejected me because it means that from now on:

I HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY. I have to be completely vulnerable and lay my emotions on the line

To Seeking Sanity: you are very correct. It taught me a lot. And unless I want similar results. I gotta learn from my mistakes:laughing: Thank you all for your comments and keep them coming if you want because they help so much
 

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I do the same thing when I like someone and its hard to move on sometimes. What sometimes helps is to make lists in your head about why it wouldn't work and what some of their flaws are or what characteristics wouldn't mesh well with your personality. This will help you to take them off the pedestool we ENFJ's tend to put the one's we love on.

I've missed out on some great relationships in the past because I was scared to show my feelings. ENFJ's can be so affectionate with everyone but the one's we have crushes on. In such a bizarre trait if ours and hard to graple with even as an adult! Sigh.
Are you sure you are not INFP, because the piedestal is an INFP trademark. :happy:( I read about the exact thing related to iNFPs and relationships and I also lived it)

Regarding missing out, I remember emotions pretty well even as time goes by, so the torment I felt when missing out will always be remembered very vividly, the worse alternative pales compared to that torment, so actually trying is always the less tormenting way for me. Plus, if you don't try, you have automatically failed and lose hope, while if you try, you still have a chance. That's basically how I view things.

So...today for some reason, I thought about all of my past loves, infatutions, and all the other guys in my life. And I realized that I have some great memories. And it gave me joy. I'm happy that I had him in my life in the point that he was in. And now he is gone but I'm not sad about it anymore.

It's like the saying "don't be sad that its over, be happy that it happened." And thats how I feel about the guy who I've been dreaming about. I'm happy for how he made me feel at that time. And I'm happy for the time that i was granted with him. Who knows who I will meet next.
That's positive thinking and yeah, eventually this is aa phase closer to the final healing. I'm glad you are feeling better.:happy:

Yeah, it is a definite lesson on what I need not to do when it comes to stuff like this...

I'll be more specific now that the memories really aren't hurting me anymore. I snap back really quickly once I face stuff down

But anyway I worked with the guy and we flirted all the time and we just had this off the chart chemistry and I would catch him staring at me all the time. And he would just give me this look that just would immediately make me melt. Well I was in college at the time and I graduated just in May so when school was over; he returned back home for the summer which consequently is the same as my hometown. I allowed a month to go by before I attempted contact with him. I told him that I just wanted to hang out because I missed him. I did this because I didn't want to involve my emotions. I just wanted to be around him. Well at least thats what I told myself. But anyway he holds a job right now where he works at least fifty hours a week so he's always tired. He told me that he feels that all that he does is sleep and work but he agreed to hang out. Well that never happened. On his off days, I would attempt to make contact but nothing ever came of it. He seemed very hot and cold. BUT he did tell me that he was so tired that he really didn't much of anything. I didn't fully understand what that meant until recently when I got a 50 hour job like three weeks ago.

I've been so tired that I haven't seen anyone in a long time. And it does feel like all that I do is sleep and work so I can understand where he is coming from with that. But when I contacted him; it was always sparse so I wouldn't get on his nerves but it never resulted in anything.

So this is when things go terribly wrong....I got drunk one night..TERRIBLE MISTAKE...and I texted him and told him that I wanted to mess around with him and he told me that he was down for that. We didn't mess around that particular night because he was on his way to the beach but when he got back; he wouldn't respond to my text about meeting up. So I got drunk again and attempted to text him again but this time I actually told him that I was drunk and to which he responded that he thought that we should just leave things as it is. I responded with this long long text about all I asked was for something simple yadda....no emotions involved yadda..all of which was (excuse my language) bullshit. And he responded that he got that but that he didn't want to hook up though. So I told him ok and that we will always be cool.

So I basically avoided my emotions the whole entire time so I wouldn't get rejected and in the end (the avoiding my emotions part) got me rejected. My last communication with him was an email I sent that said that I was thankful that he said no because he meant so much more to me than a hookup. And I thanked him for being such a great guy who always made my time at work fun. And that was about two weeks ago and I have no plans on contacting him again.

I mean my relationships are usually slightly weirder because I'm a black girl who typically gravitates to white guys. And this guy is white and we live in the south so that plays a factor in the me avoiding my emotions because although I have tons of white guys who like me; usually they don't make moves on me because they don't get that I like them or because of the culture of the deep south. In addition, my young looking face gets me rejected as well so I'm overly anxious about making moves because I get friend zoned often (although i'm not sure if thats the case here but it could be)

BUT ANYWAY, I'm happy that I worked with him. We always had these deep talks and it made for great memories to go along with my other great memories of the past. And now after reflecting, I realize that my biggest mistake is that I didn't go for it ALL THE WAY. I half assed it. I made an attempt but I never flat out told him that I liked him because I was too afraid of being rejected. I even went the laziest route possible of trying to have sex with him because I was so desperate to be around him but I didn't want to make myself emotionally vulnerable to him so I went the physical route. I'm happy that he rejected me because it means that from now on:

I HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY. I have to be completely vulnerable and lay my emotions on the line

To Seeking Sanity: you are very correct. It taught me a lot. And unless I want similar results. I gotta learn from my mistakes:laughing: Thank you all for your comments and keep them coming if you want because they help so much
Well, yeah, you are right, you do have to go all the way, bu I wouldn't feel bad for how you behaved. I mean, sometimes we don't have the strength to just go and offer our heart on a silver platter. It's normal to start off easy, with a joke or with casual conversation, ask them out , I mean, to get to know a person really well, you do have first to talk, have fun go out on a few dates and sometimes even if you live with that person for many months you still don't know everything about them. To me that's normal and a sign of interest, usually, peopel pick up these signs and get them...

The way he behaved just makes me think he just wasn't interested that much in a relationship with you and he probably has his reasons for that, some relationships aren't ment to happen and I don' know about you, but I wouldn't want to be involved with a person that cannot commit to our relationship 100%. I'm usually working 40-45 hours per week, I probably had weeks with 50 hours and if I really cared about someone, I would still find enough energy in me to go do that. I'm remembering college years, I had classes for 6 hours a day, than I would go meet the one I was with than for a couple of hours and in the evening talk to her on the phone for anothe couple of hours (either she would call me, or I would call her) and it felt natural and I loved doing that. And we met almost daily, even in he begining of the relationship and I did the same with others too. And that's nothing...like if she was away (out of town) I would consider going there to visit her, even if it met a 10 hour train ride during the night and than staying in the morning for a few hours in the station's "bar" with all the drunks (imagine a poorly lit room smellling of hard lichoer and full of ciggarette smoke) till 7AM...than roaming the streets till I considered she would have awaken, so I can call her at tease her asking her about the surroundigs (she was thinking I was googling the place and making fun of her:laughing:, ahhh, the face that she had when she actually saw me)...anyway, I think I am going off track and this was just an example, this is just a drop in the ocean from what I did to show I liked/loved somebody and even less from what I would be capable of doing. And he didn't even want to see you and hang out with you...? I mean, I'll give you another example, a few days ago was supposed to go meet with a girl-friend to go see a movie and I like her, she is great, though not sure that I want more than just her friendship and I came from work (after an 8 hour shift + 1-2 hours on the road), I was so tired I ate something, fell on the couch and fell asleep, but I still found the resources to control myself and wake up in 30 minutes to go to that movie...and I can understand once, twice...I don't know, if he really wanted to meet you, he had days off, weekends and even 30 minutes when you ahve dinner, you can take it out in the town together you know? When you want something real bad, you find ways to do it. So, I wouldn't feel bad about how you behaved, if I were you, I'd just move on to find somebody who is worth my love and who cangive it the way I want it and deserve it.

PS: The movie was "Soul kitchen", I want all ENFJs to go see it cause it's a killer.:laughing: I laughed my ass of and the main character is definitely an ENFJ...I think.:happy:
 
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