[IAmOrangeToday]

Hi everyone Got a huge massive problem on my mind and I'll be useless until I've shared it. It involves me and my family.

Basically, for the last year and a bit my family has been drifting apart. Although I see my mum as the chief architect, I think we're all at fault.

My MBTI impressions:
Me: INFP
My twin Brother: INTP
My sister: ENFJ
My mother: ESFJ
My dad: ESTJ

There are several sub plots to this story.

On the one hand is the relationship between my parents. My mum is starting after more than 20 years to regret her life with my father. She married him youngish, and she thinks if she'd been older and not had a difficult childhood she wouldn't have been quite so taken with him. She is essentially starting not to like him, they get into really stupid arguments all the time and she can't tolerate his lack of emotion. He just tries to please her and fails, then gets sulky about it. Their relationship is breaking down and their conflict is maddeningly annoying and has driven us apart.

Another sub plot is the relationship me and my twin brother have with our parents, my mum especially. In fact, my whole family looks at my brother and I with dissapointment. The chief concerns are that we push people away, and that we don't focus enough on one event. This is perhaps predictable as they're all ExxJs whereas me and my brother are IxxPs.

However, I'm worried they have a point. I can socialise no problem at school, I have a crowd and so on. But I'm never invited to the parties, or the birthdays, or the trips anywhere. Only 1 person ever texts me. I think about the people that like me that much and it's a small number. Somehow, I'm pushing people away and I really don't want to but it just seems to happen. I feel like I float between crowds and then fall through the gaps. How can I actually stay with people?

Anyway, my brother and I have fallen into this routine of coming home and just retreating into our rooms until the next morning for various reasons.
1) We like being alone. This is something my family cannot understand too well, but I don't think I want them to understand as such but just accept that I need to spend time on my own. I often just flop and sift through my thoughts after school. My brother tends to play videogames
2) We dislike being with mum. Mum is an infuriating person in a number of ways. She has a tendancy to be hyperbolic, which my brother and I view as almost lying sometimes. She is really concerned what other people think of her. She ridicules my interest in politics and philosophy and my brother's in computer science, preferring us to do music. She interprets things ridiculously emotionally. She has to be right in an argument or it will end in tears and fireworks. Harry cannot deal with these aspects of her and finds her a thoroughly dis likeable person to him. Furthermore, this doesn't bother him unduly. Me on the other hand... I find the things I mentioned annoying but I have a better understanding of mum so I can cope. I also really want a family, so I try to talk to her but it ends in tears because she's argumentative and so am I but in different ways and only when I'm at home (I manage fine at school). In order to avoid conflict, I hide.

Those are the big ones, but the family doesn't understand or accept. Dad finds my lack of work and massively untidy room puzzling. Mum is hurt at what she feels an explicit rejection of her. My sister is frustrated at the way I avoid people and my other 'flaws', and my 'enormous' dislike of mum. Generally, my family doesn't work anymore and it's at least partly my fault and I can't see a way out.

Help me please! There's more stuff to say probably but it didn't come out this time, so prod me for more info if you want.

This is really concerning me.

Thankyou if you actually read this! :L

 

[refugee]

I can empathize. It's a stupid thing to be something you're not. You're you, and your parents should respect that. At the same time, it's probably not a bad idea to compromise on a few things so they'll be somewhat pacified.

Also, it's good to realize there are no perfect people, hence no perfect families. Living together with anybody for a period of time will cause conflict because that's just the way humans are. My family was very stoic and so it wasn't the best environment for a sensitive feeler like myself. I often disappointed my family with my enigmatic life choices. Over time, they just accepted that I'll never be like them, which is interesting because they just assumed that I would turn out exactly like them.

If anything, your knowledge of MBTI should help you cope better than I ever did (I didn't even know MBTI growing up). It should give you more confidence in being yourself and accepting others for who they are. I think family life can be a testing ground for developing your relationship skills.

 

[Bago]

Would you like a cup of tea ? :/

 

[IAmOrangeToday]

@Bago I don't drink tea... I know I'm a letdown of an Englishman!

@refugee I know but it's so hard to act because I can only see me causing more arguments and I hate it so much... I guess my ideal of a harmonious family is somewhat unrealistic. Its not so much dislike of who I am and what I have chosen that's the problem, its more that mum keeps feeling the need to remind that I'm wrong... even small things like putting Theology as second choice on a form for a summerschool earned me much talking to from her. Her hyperbole as well feeds her innaccurate readings of events which she then spreads. My sister only ever gets mum's side of the story, and now I'm paying because I've really lost my family except from my brother.

 

[LittleLionMan]

Man our moms should hang out for coffee or somethin mine is the same way.Really from what it sounds the problems don't begin with you.You cant change how someone views you only the things you do you can change.I would try and sit them down and talk about it given its a pain in the ass and very hard to do without argument its worth a shot.It just sounds as though there's no understanding or closure(to fights) so maybe by bringing that to light it may help them think of there actions.

 

[purplewool]

Being an INFP, I think you are placing too much burden on yourself. Your families issues do not seem to be at your fault, which I see you grasp on one level, but on another level you feel guilty. Maybe that's part of the reason you avoid others (I know I've been that way).

Try reminding yourself that your parents issues are there's and there's alone. Really, that may sound harsh but it's true. She questioning her relationship with your father, not you.

Maybe try to feel less guilt and less ... disgust? Maybe just try standing around her and listening, even if she annoys you. Just listen and the insecurity she feels about you may lessen, making you both slightly more at ease in this unfortunate situation.

Hope that's helpful!

 

[Bago]

Bago puts her big sister hat on.... Okay, this is what I will say to you as I used to also mentor my younger cousins too.
Focus on your own journey, and let others deal with their own journeys and paths too. (i.e. try and be autonomous even from this day onwards)... Why do I say that? By doing so, will allow yourself to come across to your family have being true to yourself, and also showing consistencies in your behaviour, and also maturing too.

Even though you are aware of the dynamic of your parents relationship, talk to your ENFJ sis by all means, if it dispel "some" kind of frustration on your part, and to bring you guys empathetically together. Know that in the heart of your hearts, a marriage really is between the couple themselves to resolve those private feelings. Do not get involved there.

As to your mom pushing you towards a more ESFJ way. (I think this is pretty typical cos I see my ESFJ in law doing the same thing to my ESFJ nephew.) I think she is trying to groom you into behaving a particular way, so that you can survive in the big world. It does not matter if you do not have as many friends, but find good decent quality friends, who would support you, and that you guys can grow towards a similar direction together. This is the main thing. Also, behave like a gentleman/social worker whenever you are in family outings etc. Cos it will allow your mother to be assured that you DO have SOME social skills. In fact, befriend some friends at school who are normally more quiet. I used to do that all the time. I was mom. I was the social worker, counsellor to my female friends.... I think this is whereby an INFP can indeed come across as more outgoing. Cos we listen to people's problems and issues.

You guys do not need to please your mother so that she would feel better, but you can indeed show her that your way of doing things, that fits your own personality will just achieve the same results in life. Maybe you guys can find more extra curricular activities that are more inline with your introversion. Whether this is joining a reading groups. Join music groups. Go on photography outings to the countryside etc.... Things that fuel the creativity element of your xNxx is always a good thing. Cos you may as well tap into these potential skills now that you are young. For you as an INFP'er, maybe do volunteering work ? It will allow you to see the socio-economical and political elements of a society, which fits into your studies of politics and philosophy. I remember doing homeless shelter work, and it exposed me to the political processes that exists in the UK. Definitely an eye-opener. It also exposes you into the world of charities and government structures.... and if you want to work in those fields.... then this will give you an understanding of it.

Give your mom a lot more appreciation, and affection, but cut her off when she criticises your choices that crosses to your own personalities. Just say you know what you are trying to do, and maybe keep her updated to what you are doing ? I find that ESFJs like to know and keep regular routine talks.

Other than that.... just sit it out ? Definitely do not take it to your own heart. Cos if you focus on yourself, then the rest will fall into place as well. Your parent's marriage should not be you to counsel, and be weary that you are too close to home to give those kind of advice. Maybe you can play a supplementary role. i.e. encourage your mom to meet her female friends to talk out her feelings, which would anchor her a lot more. Or give praises to her when she cookes, clean, and do things for you etc. Remember that your role in her eyes is that of her child, and not of her counsellor. Draw this line early !

[Added] By the way, know that our parents just want to do the best by us, but it does mean that often than not, it is not a well tested way based on ALL typs of people and experiences. It is what they have been brought up with to know and worked etc. My mother is the same too. Though in time, she too had learnt that the world has changed, and that her method was outdated, and she too had let go as well. People need to find their own way. She let go so much more once I left uni, and was supposed to be an adult finding my way in the world.... Your mother is trying to influence in you and try in her own way to hope that you can survive in the world. Your job is to reassure her of what is going on, and HOW you will find your path ,and what things you tried to find further info towards a career future and goal etc.... Sometimes, tell her hints or drop info that lets her know of your possible future plans. This may reassure her etc. (Btw, don't tell her the negatives, but tell her the successes.... )

 

[IAmOrangeToday]

@purplewool I think some of the problems definitely are my fault... I hide in my room all the time to recharge and sift and avoid arguments and that hurts my family, they don't understand it. Maybe I do avoid them because I feel they're better without me?

Disgust is a strong word... but possibly the right one although it pains me so much to say it. I think maybe mum violates some of my core values and that's why I dislike her (namely honesty and not being emotionally arrogant in that you refuse to consider other people's feelings

I'm trying to eat downstairs and actually talk more at the moment, but every time I'm down there mum is just really cynical. It's disheartening to try and be rebuked with an exclamation of shocked surprise.

 

[purplewool]

Hm, in that case, it sounds like you all should round her up for an intervention.

"Mom... you are highly irrational and terribly careless for the feelings of those around you. If you want to remain a relationship with me, you need to back the fuck off."

 

[Bago]

Learn to forgive your mother early on... or give her stares so that she knows where to draw the boundary line.. I wish I did that when I was younger, cos then my mother would have such a better idea of me as a person. i.e. my likes and dislikes.

 

[IAmOrangeToday]

Hm, in that case, it sounds like you all should round her up for an intervention.

"Mom... you are highly irrational and terribly careless for the feelings of those around you. If you want to remain a relationship with me, you need to back the fuck off."

I've thought about it before but she's so wrapped up in her emotions that that would probably start making her cry or spark an enormous argument. She certainly wouldn't agree with it, she's really defensive if someone makes the barest insinuation that she doesn't like or thinks she doesn't like.

 

[purplewool]

I'm going with Bago for final advice; forgiver her faults. And try to be there for her as much as you can for no reason other than she is your mother and she is highly confused.

 

[perfectcircle]

Could you ask your mom to read about mbti? Just print off a really easy webpage or go get the baron and wegele illustrated guide to personality types, it isn't for someone interested in the theory, it just breaks it down to get along better with your family. It will explain, this is just how Introverts and Percievers are, and you have different strengths. If you set up a clear, short, non-blaming articulate speech, maybe saying, "I love you mom, and you have many strengths I don't have, but that doesn't mean something is wrong with me: I am designed to be this way and I can't be punished for it bceause it's not something I can change. Instead please love for my different strenths." Even that may sound too blame-y so you can play with it.

My aunt is an ESFJ. Her daughter is an INFP. Like your family, her husband was an ExTJ, her other son an ENFJ. There was huge family drama over it for years. Her daughter would come home and go to her room and close the door. My aunt the ESFJ would freak out and wonder why her daughter shuts her out like this. To her it seemed a deliberate action to shut her mom out of her life. Her daughter was a slow starter in school and applied herself only in certain areas of interest in what appeared to be sporadic, untrustworthy spurts of intense focus. My aunt took her daughter the INFP to a psychologist to work on their relationship. They took the mbti test and realized her daughter was not doing it to be spiteful, but that is just her temperment. She says this awareness saved their relationship. They get along great now.

Other than that, I will give you a little advice from a personal perspective. Families fights. Parents have their own seperate livs and realities, and you can't control it. This also means you are not resposible for taking on that pain. If your parents have issues, it is unfortunate because it will always effect you, but really; what could you do to stop it? Nothing. People are who they are, and if things were to change, the other person has to change as well. Even if things do not shape up in your family, it is not your fault. It does not reflect on you. It may not be nice or happy, even, it may not be the life you want, but you are not responsible for the family consetllation you inhereted. I too wish I could solve my parents problems. I wish they'd be happy. And I feel guilty for the ways that having a child or my personality upsets them. But they are the adults, and I am not. They chose to have a child; and it is their job to accept their child, not the child's job to change themself. It does not mean you are a bad son or that you push people away or cause problems. A lot of time in family situations, people who have very different goals or perceptions are just stuck together and they will rub up against eachother and cause friction. Transport you into a different environment, and you'd be just fine.

As for friends; deep, true friends are rare and far in-between, and also something I wouldn't measure in quantity. As long as you have enough contact to get by day to day, I think you're doing allright. There is no criteria for how many connections you need to have to be well adjusted. Are you truly lonely, or do you feel you SHOULD have more friends? If you are truly lonely, why don't YOU invite people over? maintaing friendships takes a lot of effort, and sometiems that falls on the one person who wants it more. That's ok.

 

[illicit iridescence]

Okay so I started typing and typing... Deleting and rewriting some stuff here and there... Already worked 2 hours on this, only have these few paragraphs, and I'm not finished yet -.- But I need sleep soon. So I'll leave you with this and continue later on. Sorry I'm posting half work ^^;

Hi everyone Got a huge massive problem on my mind and I'll be useless until I've shared it. It involves me and my family.

[...]

Thankyou if you actually read this! :L

Hey lad, I'm really sorry to hear this... (you don't know how much I hate using that phrase, "I'm sorry to hear that..." it's one of the most crappy phrases I know).

I've had my share of wondering if my family was falling apart at some point. It's not exactly comparable to what you're going through, but yah. I'm not sure I can help, but perhaps I can at least help you feel a little more at ease. If I'm being captain obvious, don't burn me down for it please. ^^;

I've wondered about my parents' MBTI profile, but I never went far enough to actually nail it down. I think I've never really felt close to them, other than out of blood ties and gratitude for my upbringing. I'm not sure about how I feel on trying to type any other person than myself (which, as you know, seems endless, lol). Isn't it INFP-ish to hate boxing in people? xD

But in your situation, it may come in handy, and it may not. If you're right about your family's types, you can use that to your advantage, if not, well... :S I think it's important that while you copy/paste all the MBTI info in your head onto their being, you make sure that you keep reminding yourself that they're more than just a type. I think it may be a good idea like @adverseaffects says, to ask your mom or your other family members to read up on MBTI, but be careful it doesn't become an MBTI-bible-slap-fest.

(I'm pretty sure you can think beyond types, if you aren't already doing that. That's the impression I have of you.)

I think @adverseaffects is also right when she said to keep in mind, that families fight. It happens, and it may often not be under your control. Some things cannot be repaired, not fixed. Saying that makes me really sad, but yeah. Feeling powerless is something I've always hated, perhaps you feel so at times. It's not alright, but it's alright. Yunno?

Generally, my family doesn't work anymore and it's at least partly my fault and I can't see a way out.

If you look at the big picture and see how all the problems have something to do with each other, it can become so overwhelming that you can't see a way out. A labyrinth within a labyrinth within a labyrinth to infinity, perhaps (referring to your Awareness within Awareness to infinity thread ^^). Don't worry, you've taken a good step by trying to sort the problems into categories, that's a good start.

I wouldn't say your mom might be the architect, but I think, if you'd draw a mindmap and connect all the issues with lines, you might find most lines connecting to your mom. So that's where I'll start.

And I'll start with a question. Has something happened to your mom? For example, is she perhaps going through a midlife crisis? It may help trying to identify what started her thinking about her relationship with your dad. If there is something, your dad probably needs to know about it as well. 'Just pleasing' is not a solution. Depending on the nature of it, it may be something they need to sort out, or something she needs to work out on her own. Something that you perhaps could talk about with her, but not help her with.

I imagine that the troublesome interaction between your mom (and the rest of the family) and you twin brothers has been around longer. I might be captain obvious here, but I think it's noteworthy saying that this probably influences her state of mind, adding up to the stress she's already dealing with from being dissatisfied with her marriage.

Let the following be clear though: it is *not* your fault that your mom is having second thoughts about her relationship with your dad. You may feel like you're "at least partly at fault", you may feel responsible in some kind of way, but please don't fault yourself. Think of it this way: even if you somehow find the solution to sorting out the relationship between your mom and you and your brother, will that really solve the problem she thinks she's having with your dad? No. The problem she may or may not have with your dad only influence each other through your mom, since that's where they are connected. But solving your relationship with your mom is not going to solve her problem with your dad. Neither will vice versa. Sadly enough, at most, solving the relationship between you and your mom will give her a bit of peace of mind, which can aid her in her problem with your dad.

And that, a bit of peace of mind, you may be able to give.

[ToBeContinued)

 

[Belovodia]

You've given me some good insights into how I can deal better with my adult children.

As an infp parent, I have placed too much of a burden on myself and have often been
wracked with guilt over being a less than perfect parent - but as another poster said,
all families have conflicts, even the best of them.

It sounds as though you're going through a hellish, transitional time of growth for all
your family members - don't have any real words of wisdom to give you except to take
care of yourself as much as possible. I'm guessing that having an intp brother would
help you feel less alone, would it not?

 

[AgnosticWriterINFP]

IAmOrangeToday,

Here are some thoughts I hope you find helpful:

1. Good for you for reaching out to others, and for expressing your insightful thoughts and painful feelings in a humble and authentic manner.

2. Try not to draw larger negative conclusions from your family’s stresses and frustrations. As Refugee said, there are no perfect people or families. Families are nearly all “dysfunctional” in one sense or another. So try to normalize for yourself the difficulties of family life…especially when both parents are relatively lacking in insight (As an ESFJ and ESTJ arelikely to be)…and there are teenagers in the equation.

An interesting thought on family dysfunction: Years ago Bill Moyers hosted a series on PBS (public television here in the USA), dedicated to discussing the stories of Genesis (the first book of the Bible). Mind you, I’m not religious, but I found the following point comforting. One of his guests observed that all the families profiled in Genesis were “dysfunctional.” There was parental favoritism leading to kidnapping (Joseph and his brothers); hatred between siblings (Jacob and Esau); jealousy between wives (Sarah vs. Hagar; andLeah vs. Rachel; murder between brothers (Cain and Abel). And all this is not to mention the later books of the Old Testament with similar stories of dysfunctional families for Samuel, Saul, David, and more. And the point was made, therefore, that even the families through which the Bible has God sending His greatest blessings—are maddeningly, even violently, dysfunctional!

3. Don’t get down on yourself because the Extraverted Judgers in your family may “have a point” about you “pushing people away.” The truth is that every personality type has “a point” about the relative shortcomings of others. INFPs have a point that ESTJs are often insensitive and shallow and rigid, or that ESFJs are often shallow, over-sensitive, predictable, herd creatures, or that ENFJs are a little too sure they know what’s good for everyone else, etc., etc., etc. So, yes, others have a point that INPs tend to isolate and don’t tend to cultivate many friendships at once…and sometimes have few or none. But all of us get through life one way or another, and there’ll be plenty of time to work on some of the weak points of INFP…if you choose to. You can, of course, choose to accept having fewer friends—and, for example, instead of worrying about what it means that you weren’t invited to parties, you can breathe a sigh of relief that you weren’t invited to parties! Many introverts find parties quite an awkward burden. In time, especially once you move out of your parents’ home, you’ll gradually form friendships you truly value…and find parties if you want them.

4. Speaking of moving out of your parents’ home… Overall, that’s when your life is going to feel a lot better. Actually, biologically, it’s natural for adolescents to feel uncomfortable around their parents, and natural for everyone to have much less stress when the “almost-adults” turn into adults and move out. It works that way not only with humans, but with (especially male) lions and elephants and various other species. So whatever added complications our complexity causes, we share some of the basic stress and irritation of a family wanting to launch its maturing children.

But beyond biological instincts, it’s been my experience, both personally and professionally, that nearly everyone does better when finally moving away from their family of origin. Then, sometimes within months, but usually after several years, everyone can get along much better—at a distance.

It may not be legal or possible for you to move out now. But the day is coming. Hang in there, and remind yourself that living with your parents is a temporary—and increasingly unnatural—arrangement, from which you’ll eventually be free.

5. You cannot cure or save your parents. And you are not responsible for them. At most you can encourage them to learn certain things, consider certain viewpoints—but then you have to let it go. As Adverseaffects suggested, I think it’s worth getting your parents a simple book, or handouts or profiles, on MBTI. There’s no guarantee they’ll read the stuff, but you’ll never know until you try…a few times. (By the way, when I was 18, it took my then 16-year old sister several attempts, over a few months, until she persuaded me to read my first book on personality type: David Keirsey’s “Please Understand Me.”)

But your family is primarily the one you will build—with a woman in the future. (Or, out of the friendship and connections you choose.) The one you’re living in now is your parents’ family. You can do your part to make it more tolerable, but you can’t save it or fix it. And, ironically, even your family of origin (your “parents’ family”) will work better when nature takes its course and you and your brother and sister are launched into your own adult lives.

It’s hard to give up on the heroic quest of transforming your family—but man, let it go. Ironically, the less intent you are on changing people, the more open to your influence they become. Still, the percentage of people who get to change their neurotic or otherwise dysfunctional parents is vanishingly small. Let it go, brother. There’s nothing more effective at inducing frustration and low self-esteem like setting oneself an impossible task.

6. You can also try to remember to periodically tell your mother and sister (and father) that you love them, and that you know they love you—even though in the daily stresses there’s a lot of discomfort between you. That family members love each other is true, even obvious from one perspective, but is very healing (and sometimes very difficult) to say aloud consistently—and sincerely.

7. Identify ways in which you can spend more time away from home on a daily or weekly basis. Nature, libraries, book stores, etc… Being outof the house more, if you find quiet or healing places, can make a bigdifference.

8. It may help to read a few high-quality self-help books for managing emotions. One I’d recommend is “Ten Days to Self-Esteem” by David Burns. Another by the same author is “The Feeling Good Handbook.” Books liket hese can show, or remind, you how to care for your own emotions in difficult circumstances.

9. Overall, you sound like an insightful and good-hearted person. I know you will fare well and be appreciated by many in the long term. For now, do what you can to take care of yourself, and not be too hard on yourself, until life allows you more independence to shape your living conditions and environment.

My best wishes to you.

 

[iinnffpp]

You can't control your family. INFPs shoulder needless burdens when really they have to concentrate on what they CAN control. Only you can control your own behavior and thoughts. I'm telling you this because I wasted many important years overworrying and agonizing over my family, thinking that somehow that my fretting was going to fix it. Well, it did not.

If your parents are being a dick about your personality, you have to be a dick right back at them. Excuse my childish phrasing, but from my experience with ESTJs and ESFJs, these people just don't get it unless you hit them back hard. The next time your mom or dad starts railing about you being "anti-social", you tell them to respect your needs just as you respect theirs. You gotta fight to win. And if they still continue being disrespectful, ignore them.

You're still in high school. That is awesome. Why? Because you're young enough to plan your future with no significant baggage and set-backs. This is not the case for those who are even 5 years older than you are. Plan your way to get out of your parents' house forever (I mean, think beyond what you're going to be doing after college too; that is, if you plan on going to college) so that you never have to go back home and deal with your family. You're going to thank yourself for this.

As for wanting to be invited to events/being around people but also treasuring your time alone... this is probably the typical paradox of the introvert's life. What you are really looking for seems to be the feeling of genuine connection with another human being, not necessarily the surface fun partying with other warm bodies, am I correct? My personal experience is that there is some sacrifice required here. It's a numbers game - you have to put yourself out there more to increase your chances of eventually meeting a handful of people who will become real friends. This won't happen unless you become comfortable with unfamiliar places, people, and just uncertainty in general. Nothing ever comes to you just because you wish it in your head. Your actions must back those thoughts. INFPs tend to live in their heads a lot, but believe you me that as you get older you realize that there is a limit to fantasy land. It gets tiring to just always wish, wish, and wish.... and not have it come true. Eventually you want some congruence between your mental fantasies and the hard, physical world in which we live. You don't have to become a fake extrovert. That's not what I'm saying. But you have to avoid spending TOO much time alone, and you have to have a sense of adventure. You ever watched the movie Yes Man? It's a great movie that drives this point into your head: say yes to events and people and see where they take you (but don't say yes to literally everything, of course...). You might be very pleasantly surprised.

 

[Bago]

I do not know about others, but I certainly know that, each of us have a role in all our relationships with others. You need to adhere to those kind of roles, and also even though with some things, you cannot control them, just accept that, it will work itself out regardless any way ?

Even though I often talk of the bad side of my family relationships when I was younger, but I also know that in the heart of my heart, there had been really good good moments too. I remember sitting together as a family, with my ESTJ brother, SJs in my family, all watching TV too. Laughing at the exact same point too. It sounded so funny and odd now, but now that I know I am an introvert,I realised that I have never really had many conversations with my ESTJ brother. In fact, it is through sharing these kind of actions, and family activities which "bonded" us. I remember being proud of him and of what he had achieved in his life time, even though he was such a slave driver. I admire his work ethics.

Regardless of what type, who, what, when... each personality type have its strengths. If as an INFP, we focus on the strengths of these from others, then we can indeed focus on bringing love to their own eyes, and allow them to see their own real self too. Cos often, people dwell on the negative aspect of a personality type, and they forget the strength of that specific personality type too.

Only recently did my ESFJ sister in law praised me for standing by them etc. Cos what I offered when I was younger was genuinely out of love, and not because I did it for show. She now misses how life used to be. We should really remember to appreciate those close to us always, and remember to sometimes just stop and reflect in order to embrace the goodness of life. People do need people, and hence they need anchors. Just that, you should not live for others, cos they have to live for themselves too. But, we can live for ourselves, and therefore others. Does that make sense ?

Sometimes just connect with your mother with your eyes, and smile, especially when she cooks for you. I think you will find that she appreciates it. My mother suddenly started sharing food with me like a child... I think she misses me a lot since I have moved away from home for this many years. Just small things. You cannot be involved in issues that you are not supposed to be a major player in.


Small gestures. Heck, give your mother a hug. I think this will shock her.

 

[illicit iridescence]

Right, continuing.

You can't solve your mother's problems, but you may be able to help your mother understand (and perhaps accept) you better by understanding yourself better (even though I do think you already have a good grasp on your being!). That way you'll have an easier time to explain it to her, and communicate it in a way that she may be able to 'handle'. And that may uplift her spirit so she can deal with her own stuff better.

Alright, this may seem thin, but I'm basing this on that one expression "I'm pushing people away". From your post, I'm sure you're not *pushing* people away. Rather, when you get home and retreat to your room, you're just taking time to recharge. Technically, that's not pushing away. Your statement that you do socialize at school - but for whatsoever reason do not get invited to parties, is supportive to my impression that you do not *push away*. You have no such intent of declining/rejecting people. I'm sure you don't.

You see why I'm saying that you may need to get to know yourself better, even if you probably already know yourself better than most people here know themselves?

Don't tell anyone, but every now and then I take a peek in the INFP people picture thread, and I remember having seen you with other people. I think you're outgoing and that you like that part of yourself, but it is an investment for you, not a pay-out moment.

I don't know what I should tell you about 'not getting invited', since I (and you, probably) have no clue why that is.

What you could try though, and I think this is a rather risky idea of mine, is to spend more time with your Exxx family when you get home. I say 'risky' because 1) I have no clue of how socially exhausted you are when you get home, thus I have no clue of your limits and 2) it means you'll have to go beyond your INFP comfort zone (your recharging time in your room), which I'm not sure how you would handle. I guess it would be a self-sacrifice of sorts?

Anyways, you don't have to talk to spend time with them. Board/card games, watching the news together on TV, reading a book in their presence, these kind of things are also a form of spending time together.

So I guess I'll try posting in this thread, bit by bit, issue by issue. Seems to help me get my thoughts across better for now.

But be sure to reply! Of course, if I'm wrong about everything I can just stop posting ^^ But maybe you got some info for me that can help me help you, etc. Keep us up to date, I'd say. :3