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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter #1
When they're are so many great people out there who treat me really really well. How do I stop seeking approval from people who are never going to give it to me? Why can't I just accept that you can't get blood from a stone? :frustrating:
 

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Probably because you are looking for external approval too much in the first place and don't have a lot of confidence in yourself otherwise. Once you raise your self esteem you won't need them anymore.
 

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Dont seek approval, just send em love and then forget about them.

Besides... If you aint got no haters, then your doing something wrong.

Seriously, your life is worth more than getting approval from haters.
 

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"Just dab on them haters"
 
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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter #7
Because inside you want believe that harmony can prevail in the world if one would simply put in the effort to clear up misunderstandings. But that doesnt always work and you waste a good deal of time and energy that way.
That's true.
 

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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter #8
Dont seek approval, just send em love and then forget about them.

Besides... If you aint got no haters, then your doing something wrong.

Seriously, your life is worth more than getting approval from haters.
Best piece of advice; I've gotten today; thanks. <3
 
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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter #10
Probably because you are looking for external approval too much in the first place and don't have a lot of confidence in yourself otherwise. Once you raise your self esteem you won't need them anymore.
You're partially right, in the fact that I was seeking "external approval" but I don't really think it has as much to do with self-esteem as preserving connections that have gone bad but in either case; I intend to stop,
 

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I've got a couple of people who all day sit there telling me they dislike me...and I'm like am I supposed to care just because they spam me with it? I've got my good group of friends. I couldn't care less about haters. I don't go around hating people. I mind my own business and if someone is better than me...I befriend them, not bash them in a jealous rage the way haters have bashed me because they can't stand I'm better than them...that's because I don't waste time like they do and that's why I am more successful than them.

All they do with their time is bash people on the Internet and they think they're gonna go far with that, lolol.
 

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When they're are so many great people out there who treat me really really well. How do I stop seeking approval from people who are never going to give it to me? Why can't I just accept that you can't get blood from a stone? :frustrating:
I would have read the following and think "not me" in the past, in fact that's what happened. Now I think differently, so I share it.

Read a few times (psychology)... some people lacked approval or acceptance by one key parent figure, and this caused in many cases to keep seeking approval, achieving goals, over achieving and in some cases to fight two ghost: (1) external figures that don't approve you, not as if you want to impress them but to prove that you are good. (2) the ghost inside of you, trying to prove somehow that you are good enough. Many of those cases stay the same for years, years!!!!.

I'm INTJ and you might know the profile, we do many things and many of those we do it very well. Do I feel special about it? no. Do some people get impressed by this? yes, does that mean anything to me? no. During many years I thought this was because I just enjoy doing things but yes I noticed the lack of approval from certain people affects me, in particular I noticed trying to be loved by someone who doesn't really acts in consequence even by her own words that she loved me. Yes I know abused people don't usually get along with the ones who do love them, instead they end up with people who "love them less" than the rest or that just don't love them back but I never felt like that was my case.

Until I started reading about narcissism. My mother is a narcissistic person BY THE BOOK, I was very blind to see it but I was very aware of what I was feeling. If you digg about this you will see there is a child who at their eyes is never good enough, nothing that you do is good despite over achieving, you might be the best person in your locality and your narcissistic parent will always see something bad on you (even if it's not real), you are probably the lost son or the scapegoat but not the golden child. So that opened my eyes on why I invested so much on relationships where the girl at my side was never happy, and sure I saw a similarity to my mother... she is always complaining, nothing is ever good, my role with her was always trying to paint the world in colors but no dynamic was ever conclusive, with a logical result, it was always "bad".


I know there are many reasons to be in your situation, I just shared mine. I couldn't believe it until I really... accept it... it was happening for years. I just cared too much for her approval (codependence in many ways) and I just didn't know why. I started working on this, is difficult, but you being good is as a parrot being green: it doesn't depend on what some egocentric unhealthy person thinks, even if that person thinks you are "yellow".

It is dangerous... some people specially on the borderline of sociopathy or narcissism will see this on you (seeking approval) and will sound like gold to them? why? because it is very easy to say something and you will be working to fix it, it's gold to manipulators regardless of the source of your situation. Good luck.
 

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I would have read the following and think "not me" in the past, in fact that's what happened. Now I think differently, so I share it.

Read a few times (psychology)... some people lacked approval or acceptance by one key parent figure, and this caused in many cases to keep seeking approval, achieving goals, over achieving and in some cases to fight two ghost: (1) external figures that don't approve you, not as if you want to impress them but to prove that you are good. (2) the ghost inside of you, trying to prove somehow that you are good enough. Many of those cases stay the same for years, years!!!!.

I'm INTJ and you might know the profile, we do many things and many of those we do it very well. Do I feel special about it? no. Do some people get impressed by this? yes, does that mean anything to me? no. During many years I thought this was because I just enjoy doing things but yes I noticed the lack of approval from certain people affects me, in particular I noticed trying to be loved by someone who doesn't really acts in consequence even by her own words that she loved me. Yes I know abused people don't usually get along with the ones who do love them, instead they end up with people who "love them less" than the rest or that just don't love them back but I never felt like that was my case.

Until I started reading about narcissism. My mother is a narcissistic person BY THE BOOK, I was very blind to see it but I was very aware of what I was feeling. If you digg about this you will see there is a child who at their eyes is never good enough, nothing that you do is good despite over achieving, you might be the best person in your locality and your narcissistic parent will always see something bad on you (even if it's not real), you are probably the lost son or the scapegoat but not the golden child. So that opened my eyes on why I invested so much on relationships where the girl at my side was never happy, and sure I saw a similarity to my mother... she is always complaining, nothing is ever good, my role with her was always trying to paint the world in colors but no dynamic was ever conclusive, with a logical result, it was always "bad".


I know there are many reasons to be in your situation, I just shared mine. I couldn't believe it until I really... accept it... it was happening for years. I just cared too much for her approval (codependence in many ways) and I just didn't know why. I started working on this, is difficult, but you being good is as a parrot being green: it doesn't depend on what some egocentric unhealthy person thinks, even if that person thinks you are "yellow".

It is dangerous... some people specially on the borderline of sociopathy or narcissism will see this on you (seeking approval) and will sound like gold to them? why? because it is very easy to say something and you will be working to fix it, it's gold to manipulators regardless of the source of your situation. Good luck.
Slightly off topic from the OP but Ive known a few people like that and for a while classed them as friends. Ive never been one to give a lot of compliments or praise. I think this is partly due to being in the army, where not being criticised or shouted at is praise in itself. So for me, just hanging around with someone is acceptance. However they always seemed to be wanting more and everything they did seemed to be geared to getting praise. They would do stuff, then say they just did it to demonstrate how good they were at something. I personally found this creepy, I was like "Why did you do that, if you didnt actually want to do it in the first place". I know this is probably worst as it is not the praise they were expecting. In the end I cut ties with these (2) people as hanging with them and their constant need for approval just became a drain. When losing friends feels great (in these instances), its a sign something was wrong.
 

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Slightly off topic from the OP but Ive known a few people like that and for a while classed them as friends. Ive never been one to give a lot of compliments or praise. I think this is partly due to being in the army, where not being criticised or shouted at is praise in itself. So for me, just hanging around with someone is acceptance. However they always seemed to be wanting more and everything they did seemed to be geared to getting praise. They would do stuff, then say they just did it to demonstrate how good they were at something. I personally found this creepy, I was like "Why did you do that, if you didnt actually want to do it in the first place". I know this is probably worst as it is not the praise they were expecting. In the end I cut ties with these (2) people as hanging with them and their constant need for approval just became a drain. When losing friends feels great (in these instances), its a sign something was wrong.
Studied on a military type school for 10 years. Many times being invisible was good (not being shouted at), other times we rebel and getting punished was good (because were didn't fit the robot thing, it was about seeking individuality). I never understood (like you) doing something that you actually don't want to do to get approval, that's why I never considered joining the military later because I was able to see a line, and to me it was difficult to cross it, it was easier to rebel. In short: many times we were asked to do something cruel or unfair.

The thing is I don't have the experience of being full in the military as an adult, but later on I understood what you explain there. A lot of people love that: the military and also religious sects. I also read studies on the similarities and it is actually amazing how a brain can change there. Just like you I believe what you describe is not good, and like you I felt good when those people were not in my life (at first I felt guilty for not being around, but then discovered the magic of your exact words: drain. It's a constant energy drain to have people like that around).
 

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I am not so much into the "fuck them, you do you, be yourself and feel good and if you pretend everything tastes like ice cream it totally will!" argument. There is a very thick line between listening to whether people have merits to what they say - even when it's against you - and needing their approval, and that thick line is in giving yourself the authority to judge those arguments and in turn the confidence to face them.
 

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Because inside you want believe that harmony can prevail in the world if one would simply put in the effort to clear up misunderstandings. But that doesnt always work and you waste a good deal of time and energy that way.
There are people who are very good, nice, noble (and naive). And it hurts them. I've seen people, specially kids coming from small towns telling the truth and people not believing them, it hurts to see them struggling because they don't know what's like to be considered as a liar, so they insist and try to prove things out, and I've seen the other people taking advantage of this turning everyting into a joke. That's bad. It kinda reminds me of Blast from the Past (Film) and also KPAX.
 

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Studied on a military type school for 10 years. Many times being invisible was good (not being shouted at), other times we rebel and getting punished was good (because were didn't fit the robot thing, it was about seeking individuality). I never understood (like you) doing something that you actually don't want to do to get approval, that's why I never considered joining the military later because I was able to see a line, and to me it was difficult to cross it, it was easier to rebel. In short: many times we were asked to do something cruel or unfair.

The thing is I don't have the experience of being full in the military as an adult, but later on I understood what you explain there. A lot of people love that: the military and also religious sects. I also read studies on the similarities and it is actually amazing how a brain can change there. Just like you I believe what you describe is not good, and like you I felt good when those people were not in my life (at first I felt guilty for not being around, but then discovered the magic of your exact words: drain. It's a constant energy drain to have people like that around).
I didnt mention that myself, but you highlight a key point, feeling guilty. In both cases, OK well 1 more than the other, I felt guilty like I was the bad guy. But looking back, I would of been cockblocking my entire life just to avoid a passing feeling of guilt. Funnily one of these people, just exhibited the same behaviour around other people and also drive them away. I also went through a part of life where I was imagining what could of been (hope that makes sense) and blaming them for messing things up (one of the reasons I moved cities was this person got to me so much, I made some rash choices), but now Im like, you know what Im glad what happened happened, it set me on the course I am now on. So Ive made peace internally with that person. I wont go back to being in touch with them but Ive gotten rid of the negativity I used to have about that person. OK that was a bit of a ramble.
 

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Perhaps someone in your past had a similar dysfunctional relationship with you yet you always yearned for their love and approval.

Now it's simply a case of substituting one for another and hoping that in accomplishing one you will be satisfied with what was lacking before.

There is also a saying that goes along the lines of "always listen to what your enemy says for they may be telling you things about yourself that you need to consider in order to be better in life as they might be things you need to hear". Not necessarily acknowledging what they say as fully accurate but trying to reason out why they might come to that conclusion and figuring out to what degree that is representative of your true self and how you could change that.
 

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Depends why you're doing it. There's something called self-handicapping in psychology, you pick a goal that has a high likelihood of failure (e.g. getting people who don't like you, to like you) so you can easily deflect failure if it doesn't work ("It doesn't matter, the odds were against me, they already hate me!"), however if it does work you get boost in self-esteem. So paradoxically it's actually a low-risk, high reward strategy to maintain and enhance a positive self-concept. However if you try to say, become friends with someone who has no negative bias about you, you're going to have to face the evaluative implications of your performance if you fail, and your self-concept is much more at threat.

However if you have low self-esteem, then you're going to seek out people who don't like you in order to validate your negative self-concepts (self-verification). But if you have lots of friends and people who like you in your life, it's probably not this one.
 
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