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Why do men pursue so hard when you're not that interested? Then when you're interested they lose interest. Or why is it the ones you're interested in aren't really interested in you because you're interested. This is a super common pattern. It's stupid and a large amount of women from the ages of 29-38 agree with me that this is common place and completely insane. I'm looking for new perspectives as to why this is.

Any theories?
 

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Not sure if I can make this a blanket statement for everyone else, but I get the sense that the guys I don't want go after me is partially because I'm so different from them and that I don't seem approachable to some, which would add to the challenge.

But those who wanted to get my attention and actually garnered it didn't lose interest in me TBH.
 

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^ this.

I've had women pursue me when I wasn't interested in them.
 

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Why do men pursue so hard when you're not that interested? Then when you're interested they lose interest. Or why is it the ones you're interested in aren't really interested in you because you're interested. This is a super common pattern. It's stupid and a large amount of women from the ages of 29-38 agree with me that this is common place and completely insane. I'm looking for new perspectives as to why this is.

Any theories?
I think that would be the "thrill of the chase" type of reasoning.

I recall an analogy about that, something along the lines of;

'When a dog chases a car, he's not interested in the car, he's interested in chasing it.'

Basically, if the car stops, the dog loses interest because there's no 'chasing' anymore.
 

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I think that would be the "thrill of the chase" type of reasoning.

I recall an analogy about that, something along the lines of;

'When a dog chases a car, he's not interested in the car, he's interested in chasing it.'

Basically, if the car stops, the dog loses interest because there's no 'chasing' anymore.

This, and possibly a bit of wanting what you can't have, maybe.
 

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To paraphrase Alan Watts rather liberally: It's because people in western culture in particular are conditioned to pursue without ever being shown how to enjoy something once they have it.

In other words, it's the same reason Joe Schmoe spends decades becoming rich, only to realize at the top that it's not as much fun to be rich as he thought it'd be.

Too many of us are walking around with the magical expectation that once we have what we seek, that whole "satisfaction" thing will sort itself out. And to be fair to many of us, it's more or less how we were raised. Parents are more likely to say, "Do your chores and then you can play your video games" than "embrace the moment," or "take a moment to let life exist around you."

Same thing with school. "Get good grades so you can win the approval of your teachers, so you can get to college and get good grades, where you can one day win the approval of your future boss."

It's endless movement without understanding how to appreciate what movement is.
 

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Any theories?
Are you sure about the causality? This can be easily Cum hoc ergo propter hoc and an attempt to rationalize unfavorable outcomes.

Why do men pursue so hard when you're not that interested.
Is it necessarily related? Or does it often happen that since we (both genders) are not often REALLY interested - it statistically happens that most of times the love is not reciprocated as strongly?
But I never pursued hard a girl that showed obvious disinterest since it is illogical (does not mean that I lost all feelings though).


Or why is it the ones you're interested in aren't really interested in you because you're interested.
Quite the same as above. I never lost interest in girl for showing interest in me, but rather it were girls i was not interested in romantically in the first place.
Now in some extremes, like showing suspicious amounts of interest right from start it may be causal relationship as it begs a question... but that should not be a general rule.
 

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To me it is 100% about a balance.

If I can sense a woman 100% doesn't like me, then there's obviously no reason to "try harder". But if I sense a woman really likes me, I enjoy the thrill of the chase. I enjoy she gives me some resistance, and that she is a little cheeky. I have experienced a woman really being into me, and nearly giving herself to me on a silver plate. I felt pretty uncomfortable about that, because it was in a way too overwhelming. I guess it is about also obviously about my own personality. That I am pretty playful, and like to ping pong with people. So if there's no ping pong, there's not a great chemistry. I tease people in loving way, so I really love when they tease me back as well. I guess it is my way in giving love in small bits, and receive love in small bits.

But maybe also because I am protecting myself a lot. So my way of teasing people, is too see if the interest is mutual. In that way I can always "hide" behind my humour. I can ping pong with people and protect myself at the same time, if I see there's a chance, and the chemistry is real, I show myself more and more vulnerable, but if I can see it isn't mutual, I feel pretty safe, and can just move away again.

The woman who gave herself to me on a silverplate also treated me like I was a kid in a way. You know the way a woman talks to a kid "aaaaw you're so cute", and even my farts were cute and magical. She was simply too soft, rainbow and unicorn like for my personality (not bashing her at all) - Personally I prefer a woman who can bitch slap me, and call me an idiot if I get too foolish.

Just some thoughts.



The woman I am into at the moment is more the type number 2. But it is more of a joking thing between us. We have known each other for 3-4 years, and opened up a lot, and been very vulnerable and loving. But we are just more protective about our cores I guess.
 

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I have experienced this too NK, and it seems more common when I am not interested in anyone because I am interested in someone else. I think the reason for it is that feelings that are somewhat attractive get awakened. Love makes you glow.

When I am interested in someone I become much more emotional, expressive, daydreamy, and I really don't care very much about how that appears to others. So other people experience that without having the intensity of it directed at them, or having to encounter the negative side of that (like the unmet desires, hurt feelings, etc.)

I have, in the past, heard from the men who weren't interested in me and to me they seemed to shy away from it because it felt like a big responsibility to them. Because they didn't want to be "that guy" and they knew that it wouldn't work out. Both of these men would probably have been fine with something casual, but they could sense that the nature of my feelings are not. I feel like they both knew me in a way, and were reacting to the unspoken intensity of my feelings, and neither of these men were interested in a serious relationship at that time in their lives.

It's like how nice it is to hug a little puppy dog, or play with it for a little while, but when the puppy dog is following you around it suddenly becomes less of a play thing and more of a responsibility, or at least a fragile creature that has needs and wants of it's own.

If it's someone else's puppy dog, then you don't have to worry about that aspect of a relationship with it. I'm not a puppy dog, but I think my feelings can be similar and some people sense that...it can be pleasant from afar, but not when it's waking you up in the early morning to go pee outside. Not that I need to be let outside to go pee--I do it on m own usually.

I think another possibility is that I simply become a lot more anxious around people I feel some investment in. So with others I may be more open or make more gambles with communication because I don't care as much about whether or not they will get offended or grossed out, or freaked out. Whereas I tend to close down a lot around people I'm interested in sometimes (especially when I was younger...I would literally look like I was unaware of their existence most of the time).

But I don't think it's a good idea to generalize about men. Some men and women are just more avoident of attachments.

Oh--the other thing is that I tend to be able to open up more if there is more room to. So if someone is getting too close to me, then I will have to push them away instead of focus on opening up or trying to get closer to them. So it seems like this dance of boundaries to me...being respectful of people's comfort zones and their need for distance or intimacy.

Edit: And I really want to be cautious here about generalizing because I've only met a handful of men, and because not all of them are afraid of intimacy or disinterested in me when I like them. Plus...I feel like my answer is really colored by my type of personality (not MBTI but just me personally) and also theirs, as well as the type of men I've been attracted to in the past. But I wanted to reply because sometimes I get frustrated that that's how it seems to be in my life as well, especially when I was younger. ...so I guess, please consider this as a sort of vent and expressions of my feelings and musings, not a real reflection on what I think of men in general, or any men I know.
 

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Most of the times it's not like that
it's like this:

Why do men love WANT you when you don't like them??
Very diff things.

A lot of people, men and women included don't like rejection and some are trained to push when rejected or ignored, they just can't accept it. That's not "love" it's wanting. In other cases people do feel something and NOT love or wanting them creates anxiety. A lot of people do "stuff" when they don't feel loved or wanted.
 

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I think in some people's minds it's more of a reward system. If they tried hard enough, they think they would get you. So they keep trying to win you over.

This is interesting
 

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I agree with @LostFavor

I also think it has something to do with a challenge. It's how you can tell if a man really likes you or was just on the hunt. I am an unapologetic fan of ditch them and see what they do method (by them, I mean men who seem to devalue you once they have you). Some people call this bitchy, but it's a nasty world out there, I'm no ISFJ E2 martyr, and it weeds out the dilly dally ones who were just having a bit of fun. I think it keeps ones sex life interesting too, what is overly familar may naturally become sort of dull, and it helps to remind them that you're an interesting and desirable individual.

Another thing too is having sex too soon. I'm a huge fan of sex but having sex too quickly almost invites an awkward feeling of forced intimacy with a stranger many people want to flee from.
 

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I saw a video by asapscience on youtube that explained the science of the Friendzone. They said the "scarcity principle" is what makes people want things that are difficult to obtain because they don't want their freedom limited.
Yes a lot of people don't want their freedom limited, but in truth I think it's about balance.
 

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Guys go for girls who don't like them because they just go for anything with a heartbeat that they think is worth putting their willy in.

Yes I'm generalising, but hey it's also a generalisation to suggest that most guys go for girls even when the girl isn't interested!

However I think it's true that guys can lose interest after they've 'won' the girl. I guess it's because they really have 'won'. They don't need to try any more.

I think it's more complex than that though. Specially when love comes into it. Love makes guys go crazy. I guess it makes girls go crazy too? How do girls react when they're in love? I don't know actually. I'm gonna make a thread about it.
 
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