First off, my thanks to counterintuitive for their thoughts. They have some really good points (as per usual).
Hi foxyfox, I'll put my answer in this thread, but I'll also draw from what you said in the other one.
It's common for people to go from not thinking anyone is a certain type, to thinking lots of people are a certain type after doing some research. It could be part of the process of typing better, and the real number could be lower.
Yes a lot of socionics descriptions do paint SLI's as not great. So it doesn't feel good to read this question. I understand you have been hurt, but please don't generalise SLI's as horrible people. It's quite insulting, especially given the particular line of hurting the ones they love. I think for many SLI's, bonds are not common or easy, and to insinuate all SLI's are destructive in their relationships is not cool.
However perhaps there are some elements of truth, not just from your own experience, but in general as well. Also in my own experience.
I hurt an IEE I came to know over the past year. Our relationship is over now. I hurt her when I became cold and left suddenly, something that happened a few times. She was sensitive to that, as I think many would be, and she stated it as breaking her trust.
However I did that not to shield myself or out of spite or pleasure, but because I cared deeply about the relationship we had, and I did not want to put it in danger. Everytime I went cold or hurt her, was when she pushed the limits of our closeness, while there were walls and unresolved issues with her and also between us. I wanted to be closer, she wanted to be closer, but when not in the heat of the moment she and I had talked and shared at length about our issues, and I knew without resolving those things a closer relationship would end badly.
Maybe I was wrong, but I did what I did for our bond, to keep a true friend in my life, because they are incredibly rare.
For a long time this was okay. Later on she became despondent and stopped being as good a friend, I don't know why for sure. I did everything I could to make things better for many months, all the while feeling sad and used. Then things took a very bad turn and I spent about 6 months trying to hold together some sort of relationship with her, even under extreme duress, not in small part because of her actions.
I'm 25, and I'm trying to make clear to you that there is a big difference between small Fi pokes to garner a reaction, and intentionally hurting the one they love. I have been accused of intentionally hurting someone only one time in the past, and there was no evidence given to back up the claim. I have caused pain through inaction and restraint, especially to IEE's, but to keep the peace, not destroy it recklessly. Those small Fi pokes that come from HA placement, to check where we stand is a sign of immaturity, talking with another middle aged IEE about this I can say with confidence that we do graduate to just asking "hey how do you feel about me/do you like me as much as I like you?" Which is still sort of lame, but is better than going for negative reactions as clues.
So SLI's can cause pain, but the kind you seem to be describing is concerning to say the least and not something I think can be applied generally. I don't think it's a sign of an unhealthy SLI, so much as an unhealthy person. I think it's worth considering that unhappy people caught in a relationship might be looking for a way out, and that could manifest as tormenting the other person.
That being said socionics is meant to try and help people, especially in their relationships with others. I think I once called duality the big one at some point, and unfortunately I think I was right. In any relationship of any level there are considerations not just about each other but also your relationship. But for duals the stakes are just so effing high.
When you are around a conflictor sure yeah it can suck; they stress the importance of stuff you suck at, but really you don't care about it, you don't really value that information, even though it still feels bad to know you aren't good at something. But with duals it's the real vulnerable spots, and there is so much to be careful of. Maybe 25 is young in development terms, so I'm still not experienced enough yet, but tbh I'm pretty scared of IEE's. I'm generally wary of beta quadras, but so far nothing in my life has ever come close to the damage a poor relationhsip with an IEE can cause, it is crushing.
So I guess I disagree with your premise. I think it is a sign of general unhealthiness and immaturity for an SLI to intentionally cause a lot of pain, and a sign of inexperience to cause small amounts in order to learn about their own feelings (and feelings in general). Other kinds of hurt do happen, conflict is unavoidable, but trust me when I say that a small hit to an SLI's Fi feels to them like a smack with a steel chair. Many SLI's do not get into any relationships, and tread with a lot of caution, because the backlash is terrifying. Even the possibility of hurt there is bad, because even though HA Fi can sometimes be a bit on or off, if a loved one (an actual loved one) were to hit back there would always be a reaction, because it's a sensitive area.
It's a complicated subject, but you definitely have some good points, and it's not a bad question. My advice is not to avoid the idea of finding a dual for a romantic pairing forever. I get what you mean when you say they are the hottest type (lol). Duals can offer so much, at least once you start getting to know each other. I wouldn't take back any of my time with the last IEE I knew; I might feel broken inside, but I'm a better man than I was before because of those experiences. Duals give you what you need not just what you want, and that is not easy. I called it the big one, mostly because it's not easy, but also beacuse I think it's worth it.
To be candid I hope you find someone who can give you a measure of inner peace, no matter their type, but if it's SLI then the journey can take a while.
