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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't get it at all. I always try my best to, if it is not realistically possible to be fiends with that person; to at least end things on a good note but not everyone thinks this way unfortunately.

I had hoped somehow to remain friends with my ex but when it looked like that wasn't realistic; I tried my best to end things on a good note by basically wishing him well; so at least we can have some positive memories of the whole thing but his response to that; was basically to just spit in my face.

He is hellbent on my regretting ever having anything to do with him; it seems and it's beginning to work and it totally sucks. Why do some people have the need to act like douches? :sad:
 
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Probably because they always were douches.
Or maybe they can't handle "losing" and being rejected I guess. So their bad feelings come to surface, like jealousy, spite, etc. Hasn't happened to me personally, but I've experienced negative feelings after having crushed on a guy that led to nowhere, my mind wanted to focus more on his negatives than positives in an effort to detach. So I'm guessing this but 10x happens when someone becomes like your ex. But I do think these things are part of ones character in the first place, they just only show when opportunity arises like now, hence why I said they were always jerks.
 

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I find it easier to get over an ex if they are gone from my life completely.
Besides what would we have in common, our incompatibility.
Nah Id rather remember the good times, learn from the bad times and move on and start a new chapter in life.
 

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Because it's a consolation to him that if he ruins it for good he doesn't have to worry about not having 'tried everything' (and thus feeling like he is a failure)...because now he has PURPOSELY acted bad so he knows deep down there's no chance anyway so that's the best way to move on from and for him. Maybe he doesn't understand why, if you're still so nice and don't hate him, that you don't just still wanna be with him - and that might actually hurt his self esteem even MORE...You see, it's counterintuitive but unfortunately not everyone is self loving enough or ready for that kind of peacefulness that you are willing to give/maintain. :(
 

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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter · #5 · (Edited)
I find it easier to get over an ex if they are gone from my life completely.
Besides what would we have in common, our incompatibility.
Nah Id rather remember the good times, learn from the bad times and move on and start a new chapter in life.
At this point! honestly, I'd be okay with either; what I'm not at all happy is; with the feelings that either what I had shared with him, was a complete waste of time or worse. :sad:

I once sincerely and genuinely once cared deeply for this person and I at the very least; would like to maintain some positive memories of him, but he is doing his level best to make this next to impossible.
 

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I've experienced negative feelings after having crushed on a guy that led to nowhere, my mind wanted to focus more on his negatives than positives in an effort to detach.
This is a lot of it for most people. At other times it may be that the person had been building up negative feelings in some way all along and the realization that they're no longer going to get anything they want from the relationship (sex, comfort, etc.) leads them to be more willing to express those feelings.

I'm usually in the "remain friends" camp myself, but I have on two occasions cut off contact and on one occasion gotten pretty harsh with a person beforehand. In both of those instances it was because I didn't think that ending on a good note and trying to keep in touch with them, however lightly, was honest. Either there was no substance to what would have remained or as in the case where I was hard on the person, they had behaved badly toward me (shadiness/dishonesty/passive-aggressiveness) and I perceived that their trying to "act nice" was mostly a way to avoid taking responsibility for being reckless and doing damage. If they had properly acknowledged what they'd done, I'd have likely moved past it quickly - I'm still friends with a few people who have arguably done weirder things to me. The difference is that I think the others learned something and won't repeat it. (Point being, not all harsh criticism coming after or during a breakup is petty and something that should be ignored and not all friendliness after a break-up should be taken at face value.)

So even though I really, really don't like throwing out the good because of the bad - it seems like a huge waste to me to invest in getting to know someone and then just abandon the investment because you couldn't max it out, clearly the two of you click in some way or you'd have never spent so much time with them - I can't really abide superficial niceties underpinned by unresolved conflicts. I'm stringent in that way. Keeping me as a friend after a breakup means having a sit-down and hashing everything out, and anyone who can't or won't probably won't stick. But with people who are willing to be clean about conflict, I have a good record of post-relationship friendliness.
 

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They are not necessarily jerks. They have a strong cocktail of intensely negative emotions stewing that need to come out in some way. When it first happened to me I didn't know what to do so I really did damage and made things worse. Oh well, a healthy dose of apathy cures that right up.
 

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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
This is a lot of it for most people. At other times it may be that the person had been building up negative feelings in some way all along and the realization that they're no longer going to get anything they want from the relationship (sex, comfort, etc.) leads them to be more willing to express those feelings.

I'm usually in the "remain friends" camp myself, but I have on two occasions cut off contact and on one occasion gotten pretty harsh with a person beforehand. In both of those instances it was because I didn't think that ending on a good note and trying to keep in touch with them, however lightly, was honest. Either there was no substance to what would have remained or as in the case where I was hard on the person, they had behaved badly toward me (shadiness/dishonesty/passive-aggressiveness) and I perceived that their trying to "act nice" was mostly a way to avoid taking responsibility for being reckless and doing damage. If they had properly acknowledged what they'd done, I'd have likely moved past it quickly - I'm still friends with a few people who have arguably done weirder things to me. The difference is that I think the others learned something and won't repeat it. (Point being, not all harsh criticism coming after or during a breakup is petty and something that should be ignored and not all friendliness after a break-up should be taken at face value.)

So even though I really, really don't like throwing out the good because of the bad - it seems like a huge waste to me to invest in getting to know someone and then just abandon the investment because you couldn't max it out, clearly the two of you click in some way or you'd have never spent so much time with them - I can't really abide superficial niceties underpinned by unresolved conflicts. I'm stringent in that way. Keeping me as a friend after a breakup means having a sit-down and hashing everything out, and anyone who can't or won't probably won't stick. But with people who are willing to be clean about conflict, I have a good record of post-relationship friendliness.
I have already tried that; which is why I began to view maintaining a friendship with him; as unrealistic but the fact remains, that I do still have some really good memories that I'd like to hold on to, and it pisses me off more than anything else; that he even wants to take that away from me. Why can't he let me hold on to those and leave me in peace? Is that really so much to ask of someone?
 

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At this point! honestly, I'd be okay with either; what I'm not at all happy is; with the feelings that either what I had shared with him, was a complete waste of time or worse. :sad:

I once sincerely and genuinely once cared deeply for this person and I at the very least; would like to maintain some positive memories of him, but he is doing his level best to make this next to impossible.
Personally I dont view my feelings as a waste of time, even if the relationship was over. Its just a positive memory, but f its over Im not going to cling on and try and make them stay.

Personally I find I generally forget the negitive and just remember the positive.

My own biggest step was how to leave them in the past and learn to look forward to the future.

Plus give myself time to heal and accept that healing takes time.

This may or may not be relavent to your situation.
 
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It's like Tina said above, those people just want to ruin your sense of understanding of the relationship because they are confused and hurting. People are definitely like this and it seems they always will be. Personally I choose to reflect on the good times despite the fact that my ex would like to remember only our worst moments. People move on from the past by telling themselves a story. For me that story is about the good and bad sides of two people trying to learn to love each other. My story includes some really spectacular moments of connection and personal growth. Her story is something to do with a selfish man gradually ruining a nice girl's life as the seasons passed. I don't know the highlights of that story but I can imagine about 98% has been edited out.
 
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I think some people can't handle the emotional pain and so redirect it as hatred. Hating someone isn't as painful as missing them.
 

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What exactly did he do?

I've found that people that like to end everything on a good note don't know when to close the book on a dead relationship and go their own way. A bit of pushing or heavy-handed negativity usually motivates them to be gone and stay gone.

So perhaps him 'spitting in your face' wasn't meant to be exactly that, but that all depends on what he actually did rather than how you felt about it. I mean... nobody's obligated to be your friend once a relationship ends.
 

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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Personally I dont view my feelings as a waste of time, even if the relationship was over. Its just a positive memory, but f its over Im not going to cling on and try and make them stay.

Personally I find I generally forget the negitive and just remember the positive.

My own biggest step was how to leave them in the past and learn to look forward to the future.

Plus give myself time to heal and accept that healing takes time.

This may or may not be relavent to your situation.
I wish it were. :(
 
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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter · #15 · (Edited)
I hate giving any satisfaction for 'peace of mind/heart/soul'- whatever. If I feel like shit, so should he.
Well, maybe that works for some people but it does absolutely nada for me. So, if he's suffering; how is that supposed to make me feel better exactly? It doesn't at all. His suffering or lack thereof is immaterial to me; all I care about is feeling okay about it, feeling like I didn't waste my time and come out of the situation better than I went in.

His feeling bad, is either irrelevant or wholly counterproductive to achieving that.
 

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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
What exactly did he do?

I've found that people that like to end everything on a good note don't know when to close the book on a dead relationship and go their own way. A bit of pushing or heavy-handed negativity usually motivates them to be gone and stay gone.

So perhaps him 'spitting in your face' wasn't meant to be exactly that, but that all depends on what he actually did rather than how you felt about it. I mean... nobody's obligated to be your friend once a relationship ends.
I never said that they were; so we're in agreement there. I fail to see how either trying to learn from ones' mistakes and not allowing it to turn you in to some bitter cynic, is remotely problematic. I vehemently disagree with you, that trying to end things on a good note; is in anyway comparable to hanging on to a "dead relationship".
 

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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I think some people can't handle the emotional pain and so redirect it as hatred. Hating someone isn't as painful as missing them.
Thank you for this; this is why I made the thread in the first place: to find answers. Personally, for me; I try not to wallow in negativaty; I find it detrimental to any real future happiness.
 
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It's very easy to understand. If people are weak they do not want to face it. Facing it is strong. So they blame everyone but themselves and yet still secretly they know it is them. So they want to explode everything, burn bridges, makes waves, ruin it all. That destructive wake is very normal. It's from a person who is so wounded they want the whole world to be wounded with them. In short, they are immature, immoral, and unworthy of a mature partner in the functional relationship sense.
 

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I never said that they were; so we're in agreement there. I fail to see how either trying to learn from ones' mistakes and not allowing it to turn you in to some bitter cynic, is remotely problematic. I vehemently disagree with you, that trying to end things on a good note; is in anyway comparable to hanging on to a "dead relationship".
So what did he do?
 

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Perhaps they don't know how to end things well. That doesn't excuse their behavior, but a number of people grow up without a good home life and aren't taught how to treat people well. If that is their normal, they see nothing wrong with it.
 
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