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I have an ESFJ friend who cannot and will not stop asking me for my opinion. She just moved into a new house, and she's constantly asking me what color she should paint the walls, which furniture she should get, where she should set up said furniture, whether or not she should paint the house a different color, etc. IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE.

Because half the time, I literally could not care less what she does! It's her house. She is the one who is going to be living in it for the rest of her life, not me. Why should I care what color she paints the walls?? And why does it make me a terrible person for not caring? Every time she asks me for my opinion, I try to answer her, but most of the time, I just respond with "I don't care. It's whatever you want." And then she gets mad and upset just because I don't have an opinion.

Can someone on this thread please enlighten me on WHY THE HELL I should have an opinion on matters that have literally nothing to do with me? Why do you take it so personally when it makes no difference to me what color you should paint your house? Am I the only one who finds this ridiculous?

Of course I am excited for her and of course I understand that decorating your first home is exciting. But why does she need a second opinion? And why does she constantly make me feel like a terrible person when I don't have one? I'm not friends with her because of her decorating skills. We're friends because I love her! But for some reason, she can't understand that.
 

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I'm an ENFP, but I have to say that saying you don't care really doesn't help. I would try to explain to her that it is her house, and that you're flattered that she would want your opinion to help her. Perhaps she feels that you would be over often and wants to make it also nice for you to visit as well. If I'm not mistaken there is a usual bent of over caring for them in terms of what others feel if they are close to them. In your case and defence, you also said that you said you do love her. :proud:

I'm an ENFP and I would get hurt by indifference, too. I like things to be collaborative, especially with those close to me and those that may be over often. But, I don't know the ESFJ's take on this 100%...
 

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Auntie Duckie
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But why does she need a second opinion?
She doesn't. It's on her mind and she's excited about it and wants to include you in her life because she likes you.

If you don't want to answer her, don't be mean about it.. just say something like this:

ESFJ: "how do you like this shade of blue for the boys bedrooms?"

You: "It's nice, what do you think?"

or

"how do you think the boys will feel about it?"

or

"Did you have any other colors in mind?"

or

"What made you pick that shade of blue"


Turn it around and ask her a question about it back. Don't be too obvious about it, but do it in a friendly way.

She's probably getting upset because to an ESFJ, saying "I don't care, whatever you want" is akin to "Fuck you, decide for yourself loser".

Seriously....


It may sound OK in your head, but to her it's coming out in a bad way that you don't mean. Your old strategy isn't working so try turning it back around and see how that works?


-ZDD

(p.s. sorry for the language, but sometimes you have to make a harsh point)
 

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Auntie Duckie
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Also, rather than editing my last post I had one other thing to mention...

Someone who is predominately ESFJ asking for your opinion is a strong complement. We really don't need your opinion and if we didn't like you, there's no way we would ask anything from you.

Unlike how other people deal with something that's new and exciting, ESFJ's like to "share the bounty", and they express this sharing by asking questions and talking about it with you. Remember that ESFJ's are very giving people.

It gets irritating, I know. But in all fairness, everyone does something that irritates someone else eventually, but to them it's not irritating - it's just how they are.


-ZDD
 

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Can someone on this thread please enlighten me on WHY THE HELL I should have an opinion on matters that have literally nothing to do with me? Why do you take it so personally when it makes no difference to me what color you should paint your house? Am I the only one who finds this ridiculous?
I'm not angry at you. But you do realize that your entire post is you complaining about an ESFJ talking to you about things which are personal to her, and which you say you shouldn't care about. And then you doing the exact same thing to the entire ESFJ forum.
 

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Can someone on this thread please enlighten me on WHY THE HELL I should have an opinion on matters that have literally nothing to do with me? Why do you take it so personally when it makes no difference to me what color you should paint your house? Am I the only one who finds this ridiculous?
No, she should get the fuck over it.

;)
 

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She sounds kind of crazy to me. In that case Id say distance yourself. That fact that she's esfj doesnt really matter. Every esfj is different. Some people are just obsessive over stuff thats not that significant (ive been there before) and maybe shes more susceptible being a feeling type. I dont understand what "indifference" youre talking about...I dont see any "indifference" in your example. It kind of sounds like youre being used and that theres an imbalance in the relationship. My opinion.
 

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I think saying you don't care comes across especially to an esfj as mean, but outside of your example I get you, I had an esfj friend who it was clear I was going through mental or life issues where I became completely recluse and didn't phone anyone, and he took it personally even though everyone and his dog could see I wasn't ok at the time, he's held it as a grudge since,I'm now a terrible person it's propesterous, I think esfj are unreasonable with their expectations from others, another thing no matter what the situation if you don't' disclose information or lie even if it's near life and death you are vilified. Thankfully it doesn't bother me too much, but still hilarious, in a way they are idealists, but the funny thing these same esfjs have been caught lying blatantly but can't see their hypocrisy. But I love esfjs
 

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I'm not an esfj, and I would feel hurt if someone expressed indifference toward me when I wanted an opinion on something that really mattered to me. There are definitely kinder things to say than "I don't care."
 

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Got really good insights about understanding ESFJs now~

It's difficult for us Fi-doms (infp and isfp) to understand fe... To me Fe-dom drains me a lot..

So advice to introverts:
What the esfj need really isn't your opinion, (they are already highly opinionated) but rather, just to be happy with them and ask questions like what do you think, and they will probably answer the question themselves. So let them ramble on and pretend you are listening by giving the occasional ah hem and nods. Then both sides are happy :wink:
 

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I absolutely understand the sentiment of the question, but--to me at least--it's almost equivalent to asking "Why do INFP's take criticism so personally?" or "Why can't ENTP's just be here now?" or "Why aren't INTJ's the life of the party?"

Indifference is almost the exact antithesis of Fe. Coming off like you just don't give a shit what the ESFJ is talking about makes the ESFJ feel unworthy, unlikeable, incompetent, etc etc. ESFJ's don't like to feel like they're bothering people, and it causes extreme discomfort and sometimes, in not-so-incredibly-healthy types, self-loathing.

You can still be indifferent without being outwardly so. At the very least, let her down gently.
 

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Also, rather than editing my last post I had one other thing to mention...

Someone who is predominately ESFJ asking for your opinion is a strong complement. We really don't need your opinion and if we didn't like you, there's no way we would ask anything from you.

Unlike how other people deal with something that's new and exciting, ESFJ's like to "share the bounty", and they express this sharing by asking questions and talking about it with you. Remember that ESFJ's are very giving people.

It gets irritating, I know. But in all fairness, everyone does something that irritates someone else eventually, but to them it's not irritating - it's just how they are.


-ZDD
...is it weird that I completely identify with this post even though I'm decidedly not ESFJ? XD
 

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...is it weird that I completely identify with this post even though I'm decidedly not ESFJ? XD

I don't think so; I identify with it somewhat myself. ESFJs and INTPs have the same functions, just backwards. It's not impossible to imagine that those functions might manifest themselves in similar behavior, just with different underlying thought processes.
 

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...is it weird that I completely identify with this post even though I'm decidedly not ESFJ? XD
Nope. I do, too. In some ways my inferior-Fe makes me hyper-Fe-sensitive. One thing I completely relate to here is the way ESFJs hate to feel like they're bothering people. I hate it, too. But sometimes I'm a lousy judge of when I would be bothering someone and when I wouldn't. :\
 

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I hate it when I ask someone for an opinion and they don't give me one although frankly,I sometimes do it to at first,but more like "Not sure,could be nice,what do you think?",for the fear of saying the wrong thing,but I tell them something concrete if they keep asking.

Pure "I don't know" seems rude and totally disinterested in me imo.I say "I don't know" when it's someone who annoys me a lot and I really want them to stop talking about the thing which in this case implies they asked me what I think for million times.
 

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She's probably getting upset because to an ESFJ, saying "I don't care, whatever you want" is akin to "Fuck you, decide for yourself loser".
Interesting. I say things like this all the time to my ESFJ sister and never understood why sometimes it annoyed her. Now I understand that I was unknowingly cursing her out.... Good to know!
 
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