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Discussion Starter #1
I realize this is gonna be purely assumptions. But I wanted to see what others thought of this situation.

A mutual friend introduced me last year to this one girl. We hit it off nicely for about a week, but I began to move too fast for her and unknowingly triggered her anxiety. She told me she wanted to slow down but I took that negatively and long story short...messed things up. I stopped talking to her for a few months until one day she texted me outta the blue and apologized for being mean to me. We started talking again for a very short time but then my own unrealized issues popped up and messed things up again. Almost a year has passed and I've very recently realized my own issues and have been working to correct them. I also realized that I had been in the wrong and not her, so I reached out to her and apologized for what transpired last year between us. She accepted my apology and now we're getting to know each other again.

So my question is this: Why give me another chance? If I was her, I wouldn't give me another chance.
 

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She probably has a bigger heart than you think. Why should she not give you another chance? Because you know you will hurt her again? If yes, then you should leave her alone and work on your own issues first.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
She probably has a bigger heart than you think. Why should she not give you another chance? Because you know you will hurt her again? If yes, then you should leave her alone and work on your own issues first.
I'm confident that I won't hurt her again. Even though it's only been a couple of days I can see that my mindset has improved greatly since the last time we attempted this.
 

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I'm confident that I won't hurt her again. Even though it's only been a couple of days I can see that my mindset has improved greatly since the last time we attempted this.
That's great! Have confidence and give this relationship another chance.
 

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So my question is this: Why give me another chance? If I was her, I wouldn't give me another chance.
I used to do this, second chances, why? mostly because I would like to get one if I mess up. Reality? I was giving second chances to mistakes I never do, so it was an unbalanced and almost reasonable approach. Besides any person can have a big heart just as said around here, or probably that person has issues (I discovered other reasons I was doing this: like an influence from family to help and help people who mess up even with me, that's bad!!!! to me at least).

While there can be many reasons and we can only guess, UNLESS you explain she actually said she was giving you another chance on attempting a relationship... then, this shouldn't be the conclussion. Why? many people will still be kind to you, keep contact but that doesn't mean you are getting another chance to be on a relationship, it's like having the wrong food at the restaurant and then you only ask for water and stay, but that doesn't mean you want to eat it, or not being upset means you are open to stay there.


There is another thread around on why some people end relationships being hurtful, well some people need it that way.
 

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I'm confident that I won't hurt her again. Even though it's only been a couple of days I can see that my mindset has improved greatly since the last time we attempted this.
I read your post, and mine here is not personal, or an attack. You did a good job keeping things on suspense (no specifics), that helps to avoid people from assuming or blaming on things they think happened. But to me the scenario is very clear, you are still getting to know yourself, and "yourself-relating-to-someone", that's ok, but she got hurt in the process. It's clear to me you have more intentions and desire to try than experience, than self knowledge and how to better interact with her. It's ok, any relationship or attempt on a relationship is a path to getting to know us ourselves, the thing is it's not fair when you do this and people get hurt in the process, it's an expensive learning.

This is very complex to explain, why? because I've been there (on her side). And mostly... people don't get it, they express what they want, their "emotions" their "caring" and usually in this scenarios they mess up again (in fact you did), remember: nothing personal here. Still, what I want to attempt to explain is the hurt, the issues, the problem... she is paying the price while you discover things on yourself. If anyone should be paying that price is you, not her. This will usually demand a change on you and her (even if you don't get a relationship) why? sometimes we have to learn the difference of second chances and being told "you fucked up aaaagain!, damn!". What I mean is this sort of learning can make other people LEARN to put others on the stand, on learning what they did wrong and the price should be paid by them. Some say is a way to become hurtful, it's not, it's learning to express things the best way so they (she) doesn't pay a higher price, while you pay the whole price of your mistakes. In other words parents can tell you how your painting is wrong and you might not learn as if someone else outside family tells you "it just sucks".

I will say another thing fearing that you might not reached this point (reading) but hey man, read your first line on this post... damn, you are the man who wants her and loves her, you should be the one protecting her from hurt, not hurting her. I mean, I'm taking another posture here, get your stuff in order, or take your time (away) fix yourself and then come back. It's not how you fix or improved something you just discovered, it's about learning and being, otherwise this will be a repeating cycle.
 

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People make mistakes all the time, women are more cautious on how they are perceived by others often. She didn't want you to think she was easy.
 

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Everything happens for a reason more often than not in these circumstances. Perhaps at the time the two of you met, you were not at your healthiest. Now, things have progressed and you have matured. NOW may be the time that you two can grow together in healthier ways... slowly.
 

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Well, it's not really your fault you wanted to move quickly any more than her fault she wanted to move slowly. People naturally have different paces. And it sounds like you have a good attitude towards being willing to learn from your mistakes and work to change your behavior. People do inevitably hurt each other in relationships. Figuring out how to recover and move forward from that is a big part of a healthy partnership.
 

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It's kind of difficult for people on a forum to explain her behavior when they know nothing about her or you.

All I can say is that some people (like me) will reject another person only if there is a very strong reason for that. It's not that difficult to forget something in the past and not let it ruin a relationship. I've had querrels with many people, but with the right kind of person, several hours/days are sufficient to forget about it and return to the regular state of the relationship.
 

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Well I think it likely depends on where she is on her bullshit threshold. Frankly the bullshit I would put up with 10 years ago changed dramatically to even 5 years ago what I was willing to deal with, vs a year ago etc. Not saying all people, because some won't ever entertain that after it runs its course, but the ones who have more tolerance to try and give a benefit of the doubt in a first place probably just have not gotten their full spine yet and developed that sense of "fuck this, prove yourself and put your my money where your mouth is if you have regrets". She obviously hasn't dealt with enough bullshit in life and is still willing to sacrifice herself for someone else's faulty ego. Personally given your honesty (which I respect) I think she obviously is a fixer. It's unfortunate but some people have to learn the hard way (I did). Hopefully at some point she sets more boundaries and expectations for herself. It is not that no one can ever have a second chance but I think if there is a repetitious cycle of someone misdirecting their own issues where a pattern develops of outbursts or tantrums, and then I am so sorry s, well it's crucial to have limitations.

Considering your ability to recognize this hopefully you can adjust this behavior. Maybe consider if it happens again with her just letting her be and moving on and correcting it with a new person.
 

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I would not focus on why she's giving you another chance and instead enjoy the second chance and be thankful for the opportunity. Would it change anything if you knew why she was giving you a second chance? If so, why?
 

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She probably saw something good in you, but realized you needed space/time to work through some things. She sounds like a very patient person, which is very fortunate for you, and is a good trait to have in a friend or S.O.

I'd give you a second chance—don't be so hard on yourself! Learn and grow from your mistakes and count your blessings!
 

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You seem suspicious of whatever her behavior is. Honestly, If you think that she shouldn't give you a second chance, leave her alone. It reminds me of someone who put the other under pressure to agree with something, then said "such a flexibility isn't a good point" when they compromised!
On why she gave you a third chance, maybe that's because you passed so little time together, so she thinks maybe something better could develop if you date for a longer period of time. And she seems inexperienced.
 

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I realize this is gonna be purely assumptions. But I wanted to see what others thought of this situation.

A mutual friend introduced me last year to this one girl. We hit it off nicely for about a week, but I began to move too fast for her and unknowingly triggered her anxiety. She told me she wanted to slow down but I took that negatively and long story short...messed things up. I stopped talking to her for a few months until one day she texted me outta the blue and apologized for being mean to me. We started talking again for a very short time but then my own unrealized issues popped up and messed things up again. Almost a year has passed and I've very recently realized my own issues and have been working to correct them. I also realized that I had been in the wrong and not her, so I reached out to her and apologized for what transpired last year between us. She accepted my apology and now we're getting to know each other again.

So my question is this: Why give me another chance? If I was her, I wouldn't give me another chance.
My first thought here is that..... here is another issue you can work on.. why do you question yourself why she would... and how you wouldn't give yourself another chance. As if you don't have any space or right.. no mercy, no forgiveness for yourself?.


So, here would be your chance to this time let in unfold more slowly and calmly, while still really wanting.

Your short story about being too fast maybe, and then beating yourself up a little sounds a hell lot like me.. I can't see point in trying to go slower or faster.. there is just one speed I think in the moment. But I guess, yes.. others have different sensitivity to this.
And it can feel so dangerous when someone says they want to slow down.

Good idea not to blame her or get angry. But she could still have special sensitivity or issue with this (Issue sounds bad.. as if sick.. it's not that).


... I also wonder if you in the heat said something to her which you find particularly bad.

As to why precisely she forgiven you isn't easy to say... but my nearest answer would be that she just want things to be okay.
 

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Why you shouldn't give people more than 1 chance when it comes to this?
Lives aren't stagnate. Things and people evolve. This could have turned very ugly if OP wasn't single.
 
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Can you tell us more about these "unrealized issues"?
Identity confusion. It's in the INTJ forum. He didn't fully elaborate in those threads, but there was enough info that led most of us to think that he should leave her alone - or slow down at least - and work on himself.
 
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