Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 31 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,765 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Yes we like people and feel attracted to them in diff ways for diff physical reasons, you know it I know it. Yes some women can trigger reproductive interests just by looking at them just the way you do too. But sometimes I can't help but wonder. I can't tell by their looks any mental health problem, in fact in my region many good looking women behave like jerks (this kind of behavoir can depend on your geographic location and kinda make sense, because depending also on your region or culture, pretty people can have lots of unsolicited contact or negative contact). It's been discussed on other threads and forums (people from diff countries) how in some countries you can get a better social treatment depending on how you look, in some areas this is irrelevant. You get the point. In many scenarios being pretty can mean a not so kind personality.

Mental problems? besides you cannot get any input of physical health, STDs, personality traits such as egocentrism, narcissism, addictions, etc. Sure you can say "you like first, you research later", still, this automatic attraction can make things difficult, like wanting to make it worth even that you see the red flags.


Animals instead can tell a lot of things about each other just by non verbal communication (attitude) and also smell. They can tell if their mate is on heat, even detect illnesses, health problems, infections, etc. It seems to me animals have many benefits when it comes to mate interaction and reproduction, while we humans lack many of that. Being pretty? long story but I've been exposed to testimonials and evidence on how not so pretty people evolve better, develop their personality and social skills, or just learn to work at it, better adaptation and better stuff over the years rather than relying on some looks that would only last 10 years top.

Being pretty is not something bad, yet sometimes there are cases where you regret approaching certain people due to your own automatic interest and finding later they were jerks, yet you like(d) them. It's so amazing how we can associate some physical traits to being kind or intelligent. I have many male friends (older) who despite their automatic interest on women (just like me), draw a line in the following way: "oh yes I lik... feel attracted to you, but I don't even know if I like you, so let's go easy, don't misunderstand that I'm at your feet".



Shoot!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,264 Posts
From the age of 15-19 I was slim, then around 19-24 I gained weight and started fluctuating, but I was always in a range between borderline-overweight to at my worst I was not too far away from being obese. Recently (within the last few months) I went from borderline overweight, to in decent shape, so I'm like maybe top 5-10% of men here in the UK mid-20s- I lost 10-12 pounds of fat and gained maybe 5 pounds of muscle..

I can tell you right now, I feel exactly the same inside, but other people react to me differently. It's weird, you brain cannot make sense of the difference. Firstly, when I first gained the weight I broke up with maybe by most significant ex, and spiralled into eating/drinking too much and gaining a LOT, maybe 20 pounds or more.. My experience of losing "attractiveness" suddenly was that I found I had certain expectations of how much attention and positivity people would give me from first meeting, and those expectations would not happen.. Then as you can imagine over 5 years or whatever I just started to adjust and slowly it became in-grained in me. Now I experience the opposite- where if I say something a bit stupid people give me WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY more leeway than they would when I was overweight.

Thing is, I still feel the exact same inside, I've adjusted over these years so readjusting the other way is a psychological obstacle. I keep finding other people's behaviour toward me a little unsettling, where before I had maybe 2 lives to give a good first impression, now I have 6..

The two biggest things I've noticed in varying in attractiveness so much (I'd consider myself fairly attractive now, but when I was overweight I was below average for sure):
1. People have their guard up more around you initially, and feel less comfortable around you as if they care far more about what you will think of them.
2. People give you more chances before they decide they don't "click with you".. I can get away with more shit now. It's so weird.

Honestly, I feel like the times I've had big adjustments either way, my social world has changed so that I've actually had to change my personality and social perspective to accommodate, I'm 100% serious.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,765 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
From the age of 15-19 I was slim, then around 19-24 I gained weight and started fluctuating, but I was always in a range between borderline-overweight to at my worst I was not too far away from being obese. Recently (within the last few months) I went from borderline overweight, to in decent shape, so I'm like maybe top 5-10% of men here in the UK mid-20s- I lost 10-12 pounds of fat and gained maybe 5 pounds of muscle..

I can tell you right now, I feel exactly the same inside, but other people react to me differently. It's weird, you brain cannot make sense of the difference. Firstly, when I first gained the weight I broke up with maybe by most significant ex, and an undeniably beautiful girl in 2011, and spiralled into eating/drinking too much and gaining a LOT, maybe 20 pounds or more.. My experience of losing "attractiveness" suddenly was that I found I had certain expectations of how much attention and positivity people would give me from first meeting, and those expectations would not happen.. Then as you can imagine over 5 years or whatever I just started to adjust and slowly it became in-grained in me. Now I experience the opposite- where if I say something a bit stupid people give me WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY more leeway than they would when I was overweight.

Thing is, I still feel the exact same inside, I've adjusted over these years so readjusting the other way is a psychological obstacle. I keep finding other people's behaviour toward me a little unsettling, where before I had maybe 2 lives to give a good first impression, now I have 6..

The two biggest things I've noticed in varying in attractiveness so much (I'd consider myself fairly attractive now, but when I was overweight I was below average for sure):
1. People have their guard up more around you initially, and feel less comfortable around you as if they care far more about what you will think of them.
2. People give you more chances before they decide they don't "click with you".. I can get away with more shit now. It's so weird.

Honestly, I feel like the times I've had big adjustments either way, my social world has changed so that I've actually had to change my personality and social perspective to accommodate, I'm 100% serious.
Thanks for sharing. Sure that leaves me thinking a lot of things.

In some way it reminds me of Flowers for Algernon (never read the book but saw the movies, liked them a lot), he was mentally challenged, but very kind, noble, good, and funny. People were not kind to him until he became a genius and solved complex problems, his mind wasn't able to cope with the change and I don't think there is a way to cope with that unless the person wants to forget was rejected by just being "himself". I'm very curious, and I often wonder many things. I also feel and know the natural reaction we all have when we look at "attractive people". Im different because I prefer non thin women but that difference doesn't change the fact that I'm attracted to something else, that is still no relevant to personality per se. And sure it hurts... this whole thing.

I get you on the "I feel the exactly the same inside". Well perhaps I'm going off topic, but good for you, some people do change. I know women who were very pretty, nice body and now that we grow older are not the same, and they got into depression. One of them still has "the butt" and suffers because says all people want is the butt (now that the rest of her body is not as pretty as in the past), I also had a GF who was very big and turned into a hottie, she changed... a lot and not for good.


I sometimes envy animals because they pay a lot of attention to their sense of smell, and "beauty" is not in their standards. There are cats and dogs out there driving the other gender nuts, and then... a human comes and says something like "what an ugly cat/dog", it kinda pisses me off, upsets me sometimes because it seems everything was good in harmony until some human appeared and expressed an akward evaluation, something that has absolutely no relevancy in nature... the real world. I've rescued dogs and cats BTW and dislike a lot people who treat animals different depending on their appearance or type. Sorry kind off topic, the main point is we put a lot of attention on things that don't prove of much service.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
8,873 Posts
I get your point.

Really attractive women, well some... Are really unapproachable. Because they automatically thinks guys like them and they're creep.

Some attractive women however use their attraction into their own advantage and they like the attention from guys/girls. Those people gets their friends or lovers, friend zoned.

But that's all to it.

When you're unattractive i guess is another advantage as well as you have more time to focus your attention to yourself because no one is giving you attention. That's why you see, most nerds are unattractive?

And most pretty girls are dumb?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,765 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
And most pretty girls are dumb?
I agree with everything on your post. About this question... well is difficult to explain but easy to understand. I live in latin america, were the most beautiful women are different than USA or European beautiful women, here they get privileges and this can spoil them, also they don't usually develop their social skills. I took time to research (and get to know people from other countries), is way different here. Still, is not the same in other regions of latin america. There are countries were beautiful women are friendly, approachable and easy to talk. You can come close and ask for directions, the time, etc and everything is ok (I have traveled here and out of here), but in my country... most women when approached (even to ask for the time) think you are interested on them, most believe it's an excuse to talk to them.... and many have little abilities.

I noticed this very quickly, many male friends did too. I don't like it because it has social implications in human terms regardless of sexual interest, others? most don't care, here there is a regional saying "why do you want them smart???". Revealing this opinion (that goes beyond personal opinion, it's actually a real thing) caused me trouble, like "oh so you don't like pretty girls because" see? turned an observation into an accusation of something I never said.

But things got easier over time, many pretty smart women feel alone because they are actually discriminated (men don't approach them due to their brains or because they think they are going to be mistreated by someone with looks). Again: things got easier because many woman started noticing, ohhhh the "pretty dumb bitch" rejecting other women by their looks because usually this means they have to train them, have no skills, etc. Sometimes women get upset and protect other women (without knowing) but it's interesting when they themselves notice the problem and suddenly can't come out with gender wars because it's simply true.
 

·
Premium Member
INTP
Joined
·
11,901 Posts
Perhaps very attractive people develop ways to reduce the amount of attention they receive. Unattractive people develop ways to increase it. Maybe other people don't accept kind and polite rejection from beautiful people, as readily as they would accept it from average Joe.
How many men would walk away from a beautiful woman, who might possibly be interested in them? Not many.
I expect it's less time/energy consuming to be short, sharp and direct, if many people are vying for your attention.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,117 Posts
Perhaps very attractive people develop ways to reduce the amount of attention they receive. Unattractive people develop ways to increase it.
I believe you have hit the nail on the head here. Although we all live in the same 3 dimensional world, we all experience different realities. The Map is not the the Fucking Territory.

Maybe other people don't accept kind and polite rejection from beautiful people, as readily as they would accept it from average Joe.
Part of me wants to disagree here. You are forgetting the Ego. Rejection from a beautiful person (definition of beautiful is irrelevent) is less of a hit to the ego, than rejection from someone percieved as plain or ordinary or worst ugly.
 
  • Like
Reactions: changos and Kynx

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,117 Posts
I don't understand how you can be attracted to someone purely because of their appearance...
As someone that falls into that category, I will put it in a different way.

Physical attraction makes me want to get to know someone romantically and it makes me open to that idea. The physical appearence alone is not enough, other than create a desire to get to want to know them more. However as far as personality goes, in this regard, a bad personality can still make me lose interest.

With women I dont find physically attractive, this process never happens as there is nothing to trigger it.
 

·
Premium Member
INTP
Joined
·
11,901 Posts
I believe you have hit the nail on the head here. Although we all live in the same 3 dimensional world, we all experience different realities. The Map is not the the Fucking Territory.



Part of me wants to disagree here. You are forgetting the Ego. Rejection from a beautiful person (definition of beautiful is irrelevent) is less of a hit to the ego, than rejection from someone percieved as plain or ordinary or worst ugly.
Yeah, there is that, good point.

But then, beautiful people can treat others like shit and many people will tolerate it, rather than walk away. So what would it take for a beautiful person to really get rid of these people?

I can't really say which way that would go.
 
  • Like
Reactions: changos

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,117 Posts
Yeah, there is that, good point.

But then, beautiful people can treat others like shit and many people will tolerate it, rather than walk away. So what would it take for a beautiful person to really get rid of these people?

I can't really say which way that would go.
"I have a boyfriend" and "Fuck off" have proven effective.

Im not sure why guys take "Fuck off" so personally. Its proven that it works, hence why women do it. Its nothing personal it just means that the dude is number 8 that day.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Kynx

·
Registered
INFJ less than 1%
Joined
·
7,177 Posts
As someone that falls into that category, I will put it in a different way.

Physical attraction makes me want to get to know someone romantically and it makes me open to that idea. The physical appearence alone is not enough, other than create a desire to get to want to know them more. However as far as personality goes, in this regard, a bad personality can still make me lose interest.
So appearance is something that attracts you to them in the first place? Sounds clique but I focus on personality. If I find that attractive then they there appearance will suddenly seem attractive too, even if I didn't think anything of it before.

With women I dont find physically attractive, this process never happens as there is nothing to trigger it.
hope every guy is not like this :/ if they are, rip me
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,117 Posts
So appearance is something that attracts you to them in the first place? Sounds clique but I focus on personality. If I find that attractive then they there appearance will suddenly seem attractive too, even if I didn't think anything of it before.
Ive mentioned this before. Some people initiate and some dont. Im not going to use any metaphors as non of them sound PC. I dont know you or your situation. But do you have a pool of guys you know or do you go out and meet new guys? If the first then sure, the guys are there and you get to know them and there personality. Although I do have a growing number of girls in my social circle, I still generally approach girls I find attractive. So I dont get to know there personality first. However if I had a large number of girls in my social circle then I would probably go by personality.

As guys are normally the persuers/initiators/hunters/[insert metaphor here] it is a slightly different dynamic to having a pool of potentials who are the ones making the moves.

hope every guy is not like this :/ if they are, rip me
I am going to assume you know guys and are not in complete isolation from the male population and therefore say on a guess that there are guys interested in you.
 

·
Registered
INFJ less than 1%
Joined
·
7,177 Posts
Ive mentioned this before. Some people initiate and some dont. Im not going to use any metaphors as non of them sound PC. I dont know you or your situation. But do you have a pool of guys you know or do you go out and meet new guys? If the first then sure, the guys are there and you get to know them and there personality. Although I do have a growing number of girls in my social circle, I still generally approach girls I find attractive. So I dont get to know there personality first. However if I had a large number of girls in my social circle then I would probably go by personality.

As guys are normally the persuers/initiators/hunters/[insert metaphor here] it is a slightly different dynamic to having a pool of potentials who are the ones making the moves.

I am going to assume you know guys and are not in complete isolation from the male population and therefore say on a guess that there are guys interested in you.
True, and I prefer guys who initiate personally, but not if they're a complete stranger because that is too forward, or creepy even.
That's a strange approach, I don't even think in those terms but gender/personality affects that ofc.
Well no I'm not in complete isolation from 50% of the population xD (lol i wish) but I'm not acquainted with a huge amount of people. Meeting new people is hard outside uni/work.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,822 Posts
Yeah, probably for the same reason having your car washed and looking good is useful; you'll LOOK like you have your life together.

Even if everything else in your life is going right, if you don't look presentable, people won't assume so. Fucked, but that's how it is. Thankfully, if you don't choose to look pretty all the time, you only *have* to when you're going to an interview or something like that. The rest of the time, fuck the world.

The thing that bothers me most is the fact that, where I come from, as long as a guy is naturally-good looking, he can get away with otherwise looking like a bum. In fact, a lot of girls go for those kinds of guys out here. The ones who don't look like a bum? Also attractive to a wide group of females.

But even if a girl has good genes and dresses down, if another girl with less than good ones is a pro at makeup and dresses great, etc., she'll likely get more attention. In short, there are different types of dudes who are considered attractive. Generally, though, women are expected to look one way no matter what "subculture" they're a part of; long hair, thin, makeup, etc. If you have short hair, are a little bulkier (not overweight, but just don't have a small frame,) and don't like wearing makeup, forget it.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,117 Posts
True, and I prefer guys who initiate personally, but not if they're a complete stranger because that is too forward, or creepy even.
That's a strange approach, I don't even think in those terms but gender/personality affects that ofc.
Well no I'm not in complete isolation from 50% of the population xD (lol i wish) but I'm not acquainted with a huge amount of people. Meeting new people is hard outside uni/work.
I can get away with a bit as Ive had it mentioned quite a few times that people are sure they know me or recognise me from somewhere (they never know where). Im aware of this vibe I give off and I use it to my advantage. Of course I know not everyone gives off this vibe, so sometimes I wonder if when I give advice, if its actually any use as I know different people are percieved differently and can get away with different things.
 

·
Premium Member
INTP
Joined
·
11,901 Posts
"I have a boyfriend" and "Fuck off" have proven effective.

Im not sure why guys take "Fuck off" so personally. Its proven that it works, hence why women do it. Its nothing personal it just means that the dude is number 8 that day.
Many guys don't have that sort of insight. They just think that women are gatekeepers to sex, on a power trip, making zero effort, disregarding men's feelings and enjoying doing it.
 

·
Registered
Mature Sage
Joined
·
6,237 Posts
Physical appearance conveys a lot of genetic information. Genetic traits such as eyecolor, haircolor, skincolor, tints, hair texture, the shapes of bone structure, cheeks, and lips say a lot about a person's genetic background. Even moreso, a person's odor can emit a lot of information about immunity. Appearance also says a lot about a person's age range, fertility, and physical health, and it all boils down to how likely they can successfully give birth to children likely to succeed to adulthood.

The most beautiful faces are typically the most average. When you look at composite photos, the more composites, the more beautiful the face. This doesn't mean a typically beautiful face is what any individual finds beautiful. That is determined by genetics. Subjective beauty is a sense of what it genetically compatible to your own genetic background and roots out inbreeding and out breeding, thus maximizing genetic efficiency, reinforcing good recessive traits while preventing the propagation of rare genetic disorders that would be brought about by the genetic stagnation of inbreeding.

But no, physical appearance won't say any thing about how crazy a person is, and the most beautiful women can be more than a can full of crazy and messed up. Fortunately, if you choose to think with your head, and not with your crotch, there are visible red flags. I remember in the past, before we had automatic locks, people would do the "lock test with a date"...a young man would unlock a car door for a lady, and see if she leans over and unlocks the door for him. Yeah it's just one simple test that determines just one parameter, but that's the idea. you test her out, see what she's made of before you give up your heart, and always be emotionally prepared to leave until you're sure.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,765 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
So appearance is something that attracts you to them in the first place? Sounds clique but I focus on personality.
In the context of your previous posts: I agree, or should I say "can relate and that's my usual approach". I had many experiences pushing me to become "blind" on looks to help me try to see the real person inside. Also had experiences in my region that left a mark on pretty people = beware but that's purely cultural. Also developed an awareness of how people treat others so I didn't want to be part of it, I consider people deserve a chance, and when it comes to me I would want that fair chance too.

Must say: I was also exposed to several influences of self sacrifice like "oh that guy really loves her, why? because she is ugly and still he wants to be with her" even the expression sucks but I was exposed to things like that twisting in some ways my concepts, in some ways I felt guilty of liking someone better than other person just-because. Took a bit of time to be aware of this. Yet, also had terrible experiences giving ugly people a chance... Found several who were abusive, and some were nice only when people were cruel to them, but when you were nice they were cruel instead (terrible self steem, I mean them).


But attraction... I'm aware in my own being that there are times when someone just looks good and gives me those good feelings of "want to get to know you" based on an instant appreciation, something that I can't control, something that I'm not fully aware how it works but aware that I feel it, something... well the word is natural. I wonder why being pretty is useful in terms of nature and evolution, that's the question, but I know there is something natural in us pushing forward on this. I also know many try to make this natural attraction look like discrimination when it's not. Beauty is subjective. But then again, looks have what benefit when it comes to a lion chasing you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,765 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
Yeah, probably for the same reason having your car washed and looking good is useful; you'll LOOK like you have your life together.
Not exactly, I mean we are what we are just like a car, there are limits, over there comes make up turning into masks. I mean (And should have clarified) just how people look without any enhancements.

I have a friend who has issues... but she has this amazing butt, it gets a lot of attention and sure she is attractive under a lot of standards. And yes I've felt the natural attraction (something that I'm not reasoning I mean), but yet I wonder... why is or how is that butt useful???? we have discussed this and we laugh: perhaps better cushing?? ha ha.


My attempt on asking is based on... let's say a cat, ok has some shapes in the fur... that makes the cat more beautiful to humans, but not to cats, other cats will sense illnesses, attitude, aggressiveness etc. We could say the shapes on the fur have a meaning or usefulness when it comes to hunting but... hey, there are black and white cats, the predator senses don't react the same as saying a tiger fur on the wild... is way different (made my homework) so, it seems looks are of great importance when it comes to humans mostly.
 
1 - 20 of 31 Posts
Top