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Discussion Starter #1
There's this INTJ guy I've been talking to for a few months. We had these awesome long conversations, we used to sit in the library and talk for hours about history, philosophy and stuff like that. He also seemed to open up about his emotions, past experiences a lot (a thing he never does). It was fun and we flirted quite a bit too, he also used to mention how great it would be if we were in a relationship. From his body languge too it seemed obvious that he had some sort of feeling towards me. Atleast I felt like we were getting somewhat close. But recently out of the blue he has started to avoid me, he won't take my calls, won't meet me leaving me completely clueless. I'm starting to wonder if he was just fooling around casually and maybe I mistook them for something more serious. I feel like an idiot now. So I guess my question is should I just leave it there? I don't want to push him if he's not interested in the first place. Maybe I should just stop trying talk to him altogether?
 

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i've done that when i was getting attracted to someone, and then something completely unrelated dealt me a sudden reality check about their availability/interest. makes me feel stupid, so then i have to retreat completely until i've closed the mental distance between what i thought and what is probably (to my mind about it) true.

of course, i've also done it when i thought something was totally platonic on both sides, and then i catch on that it isn't on theirs. but i have never, ever, ever flirted with those ones, much less hint at a relationship. if i have you in my 'platonic' box, it would be easy to get the impression that we're a couple of barbie/ken dolls with no reproductive organs or emotional leanings at all.

and the other time i've done it is when i did have good feeling for someone, and then the reality check came in the form of some showstopper realization about them. any sign that they sit on the other side of any of my own dealbreaker fences. they eat babies, they do drugs, they're irretrievably dumb, they have some deeply barbaric streak to them that i know i'm never going to change my opinion about.
 
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I don't think he'd be upset if you asked him about it in a casual manner. "Hey, it seems like you've been avoiding me lately, or am I just reading you wrong?" or something. Unless you offended him somehow (and I doubt you did) he's probably drawn back because he's analyzed the situation and is either 1. afraid, 2. embarrassed, or 3. has decided not to pursue it. Only he can tell you why he's acting the way he is.

He may be different, but if I meet someone who I can have deep conversations with, it's not just "fooling around": I really want to keep the relationship. Like I said before though, if he's not that confident or nervous about it, he might have withdrawn to avoid rejection or embarrassment. Otherwise he's not interested in you anymore. But since you haven't given any reason for that, I'd guess it's the former.
 

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After a 'few months' he probably decided that you were not interested enough.
Just make a move already, before its too late. At least you'll know for sure.
 

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As if you didn't have enough of a consensus already, just here to confirm that you should be forward about things and make a move. I've flirted with girls before who have tried to play "games", and I took this as them losing interest, so I just stop and distance myself. Also a chance something big has happened in his life and he is taking time to deal with it. Either way, talk to him directly and honestly. Good luck.
 

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There's this INTJ guy I've been talking to for a few months. We had these awesome long conversations, we used to sit in the library and talk for hours about history, philosophy and stuff like that. He also seemed to open up about his emotions, past experiences a lot (a thing he never does). It was fun and we flirted quite a bit too, he also used to mention how great it would be if we were in a relationship. From his body languge too it seemed obvious that he had some sort of feeling towards me. Atleast I felt like we were getting somewhat close. But recently out of the blue he has started to avoid me, he won't take my calls, won't meet me leaving me completely clueless. I'm starting to wonder if he was just fooling around casually and maybe I mistook them for something more serious. I feel like an idiot now. So I guess my question is should I just leave it there? I don't want to push him if he's not interested in the first place. Maybe I should just stop trying talk to him altogether?
How long have you felt avoided by him?

If it's a matter of days or a week or two, it might be a simple matter of his need for some psychological distance. INTJ's can easily feel oversaturated socially, even with people we genuinely like. A lot of contact with a person means we have less contact with ourselves, and alone-time is of utmost importance for INTJ's. Much of our work on relationships happens in solitude: we need to internally understand people and ourselves in relation to them. If he's experiencing confusion about how he feels, then being away from you is the best situation for him to try to resolve it.

If it's a matter of several weeks... it's a slightly different story. But I'll wait for your response to give you the rest.
 

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I have a difficult time even interacting with my close friend on a daily basis. As the previous poster said, it's a need for alone time. I'd say back off him for a little while, then see if you can get his interest with something intellectual before you try talking feelings.
If all you get are monosyllabic responses, you might have to call it quits.
 

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Learn to put out quicker when you meet the right guy, otherwise this will keep happening; your conversation isn't worth near as much as you think.
 

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Either ^ that, which is a semi-good sign since he is interested, or what the others said. I lean towards the latter. Now i am no INTJ but behaviour like this is not specific to just INTJs.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Its been two and a half weeks. And about not taking things further, I clearly showed him that I was interested but since I'm as socially awkward as he is, if not more, it was hard for me. He knew this from the begining though and said he was okay with it. Also since he seemed like the "piller of confidence" I thought it shouldn't be a problem. Apparently it is. I wonder if he took my awkwardness as playing games (he did mention a few times how people used to play games with him). So anyway, I guess this should be a lesson for me, I shouldn't try to meet anyone unless I learn some social skills.
I did sent him a text asking why is he avoiding me lately. So far he hasn't answered. Anyway this should be the last text I'm sending him.
 

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There's this INTJ guy I've been talking to for a few months. We had these awesome long conversations, we used to sit in the library and talk for hours about history, philosophy and stuff like that. He also seemed to open up about his emotions, past experiences a lot (a thing he never does). It was fun and we flirted quite a bit too, he also used to mention how great it would be if we were in a relationship. From his body languge too it seemed obvious that he had some sort of feeling towards me. Atleast I felt like we were getting somewhat close. But recently out of the blue he has started to avoid me, he won't take my calls, won't meet me leaving me completely clueless. I'm starting to wonder if he was just fooling around casually and maybe I mistook them for something more serious. I feel like an idiot now. So I guess my question is should I just leave it there? I don't want to push him if he's not interested in the first place. Maybe I should just stop trying talk to him altogether?
If "he also used to mention how great it would be if we were in a relationship"
Then I would say he was not at all fooling around, but I don't know if you brought up the subject and he just agreed in passing to avoid an awkward moment. If he brought it up though, I can't imagine he was fooling around.


It kinda feels like there is something about you he found that doesn't fit an INTJ's absurdly high standards, and you are facing the INTJ doorslam.

It could be from a wide range of things so I can't give too much specifics if it is this.
He could have found out you dated some guy he knows and it could just bother him (yep it's illogical, but I am kinda grossed out at the idea of a chick having been with someone I know).
He could have found something about you that he perceives as not moral or not loyal by his standards.
I don't know, but something that doesn't meet an INTJ's ridiculously high standards.



Edit:
If he isn't taking your calls, I would make this the last text for a while. Possibly text him again in say 3-5 weeks, but it looks like he has a major issue with you, as I described above, if he won't even take your calls at all.
In that situation I am unyielding - I mean there is nothing anyone can do to make me accept that person into my life again. It's also not unusual for them to not know why, as it's not me teaching them a lesson, it's me removing them from my life.


I'm not 100% sure this is the case with him. I am just saying what it would be if I was the person you are talking about.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
If "he also used to mention how great it would be if we were in a relationship"
Then I would say he was not at all fooling around, but I don't know if you brought up the subject and he just agreed in passing to avoid an awkward moment. If he brought it up though, I can't imagine he was fooling around.


It kinda feels like there is something about you he found that doesn't fit an INTJ's absurdly high standards, and you are facing the INTJ doorslam.

It could be from a wide range of things so I can't give too much specifics if it is this.
He could have found out you dated some guy he knows and it could just bother him (yep it's illogical, but I am kinda grossed out at the idea of a chick having been with someone I know).
He could have found something about you that he perceives as not moral or not loyal by his standards.
I don't know, but something that doesn't meet an INTJ's ridiculously high standards.



Edit:
If he isn't taking your calls, I would make this the last text for a while. Possibly text him again in say 3-5 weeks, but it looks like he has a major issue with you, as I described above, if he won't even take your calls at all.
In that situation I am unyielding - I mean there is nothing anyone can do to make me accept that person into my life again. It's also not unusual for them to not know why, as it's not me teaching them a lesson, it's me removing them from my life.


I'm not 100% sure this is the case with him. I am just saying what it would be if I was the person you are talking about.
He was the one who brought it up.
It does seem like an INTJ dooslam. Like I said though, I never want to push him and having ridiculusly high standards myself, I can understand where he's coming from. But I would appreciate it better if he just said, "Look you're not doing it for me anymore so we can't talk from now on" instead of keeping me guessing. Anyway, as much as I'd like to punch him right now, I love how INTJs get rid of people they don't perceive as important.
 

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He was the one who brought it up.
It does seem like an INTJ dooslam. Like I said though, I never want to push him and having ridiculusly high standards myself, I can understand where he's coming from. But I would appreciate it better if he just said, "Look you're not doing it for me anymore so we can't talk from now on" instead of keeping me guessing. Anyway, as much as I'd like to punch him right now, I love how INTJs get rid of people they don't perceive as important.

It has nothing to do with not being important. That a major misunderstanding of it.

The fact that he spent a lot of time with you means you were very likely important to him. INTJ's are both very picky and very introverted, a combination which means we spend time with only very select people we consider worthwhile, which makes them very important just by the fact we spend time with them.

The doorslam occurs when there is something specific that was unacceptable.
Don't mistake this for not being important.
It actually bothers me enormously when I do the doorslam, because when it is to someone I have become close to, I have shut out someone important to me, but at the same time, the problem I have with them makes me unable to allow them back into my life.
 
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