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I won't get into much details, but just curious if any other ESFJs having a hard time connecting with someone to have a meaningful relationship in their early 30s? I would think our type has the ability to mesh well with anyone, but here I am, after various experiences with INTPs, INFJs, INTJs (basically I need to stay away from INxx maybe?) and nothing to note from it other than my failures.

They weren't all bad experiences per se, just left me feeling empty.

Is it just me or does it seem anyone who pursues us ESFJs seem very eager and into us at first, and after awhile, its like our novelty wore off? Its happened a few times more than not, but those times seem to stick out more (perhaps because its our need to please everyone and make them happy). Otherwise, I just find other types not click-worthy due to their lack of motivation or their infidelity....

Hope some other ESFJs can relate! Thanks for reading this!
 

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yeah, intp and intj especially might leave you feeling empty because esfj usually do not appreciate the way those 2 show their closeness or affection. Also to INTX's esfj's might come off too eager and too fast.
 

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I won't get into much details, but just curious if any other ESFJs having a hard time connecting with someone to have a meaningful relationship in their early 30s? I would think our type has the ability to mesh well with anyone, but here I am, after various experiences with INTPs, INFJs, INTJs (basically I need to stay away from INxx maybe?) and nothing to note from it other than my failures.

They weren't all bad experiences per se, just left me feeling empty.

Is it just me or does it seem anyone who pursues us ESFJs seem very eager and into us at first, and after awhile, its like our novelty wore off? Its happened a few times more than not, but those times seem to stick out more (perhaps because its our need to please everyone and make them happy). Otherwise, I just find other types not click-worthy due to their lack of motivation or their infidelity....

Hope some other ESFJs can relate! Thanks for reading this!
I think your issue is, you're going out with introverts. It may be that you're misreading the losing interest as the introverted person's need for alone time, or maybe you have just had a run of turds. The other thing is, are these documented cases of infidelity where you totally sniffed it out, or are you assuming just because some types have a tendency to be less faithful than others, while the individual in question might be more principled? I'm going to add my vote to the other people suggesting you date an ISXJ. From what I can tell, they're consistent, and that's a huge plus.
 

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Is it just me or does it seem anyone who pursues us ESFJs seem very eager and into us at first, and after awhile, its like our novelty wore off?
Hi, yes, I'm only 19, but this is basically my life.

It seems every time I meet a guy, they're totally into me at first, and it's like full speed ahead for them. And usually at first I kind of have cold feet, but once I decide to give them a chance and reciprocate some sort of interest back, they suddenly lose interest and it fizzles out just as quickly as it started.

The only time this was different was when I was involved with an ISTJ, so I suppose I would echo the advice to try and seek out some Si-users.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
In due time. I still have yet to meet an ESFJ...
Well HI friend!

deviantcode said:
yeah, intp and intj especially might leave you feeling empty because esfj usually do not appreciate the way those 2 show their closeness or affection. Also to INTX's esfj's might come off too eager and too fast.
Yes, I do agree with this, but I seem to try to follow their lead (I can be bit guarded too because of being burned in past). So if they're eager, I am too. Who knows though.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I think your issue is, you're going out with introverts. It may be that you're misreading the losing interest as the introverted person's need for alone time, or maybe you have just had a run of turds. The other thing is, are these documented cases of infidelity where you totally sniffed it out, or are you assuming just because some types have a tendency to be less faithful than others, while the individual in question might be more principled? I'm going to add my vote to the other people suggesting you date an ISXJ. From what I can tell, they're consistent, and that's a huge plus.
I tend to gravitate towards introverts more... When I find someone extroverted, it causes ME to be the introvert and let them do their outgoing thing. Maybe I like to be (since i'm used to it) the one in the spotlight and outgoing of the two.

I have definitely learned about an introvert's 'need for space' in all the ones I've dated. I kind of enjoy that about them, and it has caused me too to unwind after a hectic day. Sometimes I feel like an ambivert and I can be a homebody for days/weeks at a time avoiding social events.

The ex's I've dated who have been less faithful always started with a gut reaction, and turned out to be correct. I have given up on understanding why people cheat on me (or in general), so i think its my luck with turds, lol.

I appreciate your reply immensely! Thanks~
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Hi, yes, I'm only 19, but this is basically my life.

It seems every time I meet a guy, they're totally into me at first, and it's like full speed ahead for them. And usually at first I kind of have cold feet, but once I decide to give them a chance and reciprocate some sort of interest back, they suddenly lose interest and it fizzles out just as quickly as it started.

The only time this was different was when I was involved with an ISTJ, so I suppose I would echo the advice to try and seek out some Si-users.
YES! This all sounds too true for me (as of last few years).

One thing's for sure -- If I ever came across any ISxx's, I'd be sure to sink my claws of curiosity in them!

Just glad i'm not alone in some of this. Was hoping to get a few responses so I know i'm not crazy. ESFJs seem to have so many circle of friends, so I can distract myself if need be if I'm frustrated, but we do have those moments alone at night before bed where our mind just cannot stop thinking! Thanks guys for reading this!
 

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Seriously it's like everybody is wanting to sleep around and is never motivated. How hard is it really to commit and be happy and energized and taking action in life?

Not an ESFJ but I relate. People feel so incompatible.
 
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I tend to gravitate towards introverts more... When I find someone extroverted, it causes ME to be the introvert and let them do their outgoing thing. Maybe I like to be (since i'm used to it) the one in the spotlight and outgoing of the two.

I have definitely learned about an introvert's 'need for space' in all the ones I've dated. I kind of enjoy that about them, and it has caused me too to unwind after a hectic day. Sometimes I feel like an ambivert and I can be a homebody for days/weeks at a time avoiding social events.

The ex's I've dated who have been less faithful always started with a gut reaction, and turned out to be correct. I have given up on understanding why people cheat on me (or in general), so i think its my luck with turds, lol.

I appreciate your reply immensely! Thanks~
Of course :) It's always a huge blow to be cheated on, and I really do wish you the best of luck in finding someone stable who takes commitment seriously. I guess it depends on what you feel comfortable with, but sometimes you can meet some really cool people when you volunteer, friends and dates alike, and the bonus is it's around an issue that's important to you, so it tends to winnow out the turds.
 

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I have yet to meet any ISxx... :( I am always looking for various types! Thanks though!

@Dorstlesser , too. ESFJ Females and ISTJ males are the most common types. How have you not met any of them? For reference, I've met thousands of people and INxJs are the most rare, and intuitive types aren't as common in general. If you want to meet some ISTJs, just go to the local...anything.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
if you ever run into or go to date another intp. Read this in its entirety. It's actually stupidly accurate INTP - Chapter 6: How to Date (and Interpret) an INTP

And yes sometimes INTP's and J's can sometimes overlook others feelings, and it comes across cold. But it is because somewhere something isn't making sense. Help them make sense of it, and then they will worry about how you feel.
I have read that article several times when I had the INTP living with me and I was helping him explore his sexual side (he was a 26 yr old virgin that I uh, deflowered -is that what the kids are saying nowadays?). So accurate that page though. At that time I was pretty much obsessed with INTPs and wanted to learn everything about them. Now I know how much they live in their heads and a compliment from them (or even touching lovingly) is a BIG deal! I am quite proud of myself to have opened up one of them to where he is a bit out of his shell in public, but more so, I love he's very comfortable with me.

Also, with him though, after he travelled for an internship and stayed with friends on West coast (30 hours away from me) for 5 months, it helped him reflect and realize his true feelings for me, as told to me this past week. My current situation is somewhat a mess, but I do really think my type (and who I am as a carefree goofy person) clicks REALLY well with this INTP. Too well that its scary.

I just happened to get myself in a situation where he and an INFJ recently got close too fast and then were scared and needed time to think about what they wanted. It got me to thinking that this happens every few years with men and I was hoping other ESFJs could relate. It's always awesome to hear from INxxS though (because I always feel you guys hate us after awhile).
 

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I have read that article several times when I had the INTP living with me and I was helping him explore his sexual side (he was a 26 yr old virgin that I uh, deflowered -is that what the kids are saying nowadays?). So accurate that page though. At that time I was pretty much obsessed with INTPs and wanted to learn everything about them. Now I know how much they live in their heads and a compliment from them (or even touching lovingly) is a BIG deal! I am quite proud of myself to have opened up one of them to where he is a bit out of his shell in public, but more so, I love he's very comfortable with me.

Also, with him though, after he travelled for an internship and stayed with friends on West coast (30 hours away from me) for 5 months, it helped him reflect and realize his true feelings for me, as told to me this past week. My current situation is somewhat a mess, but I do really think my type (and who I am as a carefree goofy person) clicks REALLY well with this INTP. Too well that its scary.

I just happened to get myself in a situation where he and an INFJ recently got close too fast and then were scared and needed time to think about what they wanted. It got me to thinking that this happens every few years with men and I was hoping other ESFJs could relate. It's always awesome to hear from INxxS though (because I always feel you guys hate us after awhile).
ESFJs (ESFj-ESE) and INTPs (INTj-LII) are duals in socionics, so that's something interesting to look into. On the other hand I could see how INTJs could go on your nerves in the long run though.
 

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I have read that article several times when I had the INTP living with me and I was helping him explore his sexual side (he was a 26 yr old virgin that I uh, deflowered -is that what the kids are saying nowadays?). So accurate that page though. At that time I was pretty much obsessed with INTPs and wanted to learn everything about them. Now I know how much they live in their heads and a compliment from them (or even touching lovingly) is a BIG deal! I am quite proud of myself to have opened up one of them to where he is a bit out of his shell in public, but more so, I love he's very comfortable with me.

Also, with him though, after he travelled for an internship and stayed with friends on West coast (30 hours away from me) for 5 months, it helped him reflect and realize his true feelings for me, as told to me this past week. My current situation is somewhat a mess, but I do really think my type (and who I am as a carefree goofy person) clicks REALLY well with this INTP. Too well that its scary.

I just happened to get myself in a situation where he and an INFJ recently got close too fast and then were scared and needed time to think about what they wanted. It got me to thinking that this happens every few years with men and I was hoping other ESFJs could relate. It's always awesome to hear from INxxS though (because I always feel you guys hate us after awhile).
I gather in your case it's just situational. I don't think the INTP /' ESFJ thing really had a part in it. From what I can tell you're a more easy going esfj than i'm used to, although what i know of you is really limited, at least you cared to figure out how he worked. Esfj I had a relationship with just thought I was cracked, cause I wasn't like her. Never bothered to try to understand me, and in turn I shut her out emotionally. I guess understanding eachother is key.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
ESFJs (ESFj-ESE) and INTPs (INTj-LII) are duals in socionics, so that's something interesting to look into. On the other hand I could see how INTJs could go on your nerves in the long run though.
Yeah, most of my male friends are INTJs to be honest, and they are like the brothers I never wanted. I love them sure, but after awhile they piss me off and I need some distance/few days away from talking to them. I still care about them of course, but we disagree on a bit after awhile.

Current guy I like is INFJ and I haven't read the best cases for them, and only thing I can really admire about them is their sensitive nature in feeling and talking things out as this fella and I have better times together talking about feelings in general than our feelings for each other.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm some sort of MBTI chameleon. I can adapt to other's types.. doesn't mean I want to be around that type for a long while... but I can adapt temporarily (weeks/months).
 

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I gather in your case it's just situational. I don't think the INTP /' ESFJ thing really had a part in it. From what I can tell you're a more easy going esfj than i'm used to, although what i know of you is really limited, at least you cared to figure out how he worked. Esfj I had a relationship with just thought I was cracked, cause I wasn't like her. Never bothered to try to understand me, and in turn I shut her out emotionally. I guess understanding eachother is key.
It could be- I am pretty laid back/easy going. From other stories I've read on ESFJ (women) and INTP (men), it's almost horrendous stories of how demanding for attention we are, how much we don't like someone different than us, etc etc. I would've hoped ESFJs are more understanding when dating someone. Curious what other types INTPs or INxxs go for.
 
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