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Discussion Starter #1
Why is it so wrong to break up over a text message? I can name a few advantages, like the dumpee can have privacy in their moment of distress, and all arguments can be talked over thought out messages... But, why is it wrong? How is it disrespectful?
 

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It's kind of like...Asking your friend to pick out, buy, and give a birthday gift to your girlfriend/boyfriend on your behalf, I guess xD
You can argue over messages, yes, but even if you think out a message and it's perfect in your head, when you send it to the other person the message is seen from his/her point of view: he/she adds her own tone to your message, and what you wrote as a plain observation would suddenly become an insult in his/her eyes. Then you get lots of misunderstandings which may or may not be obvious.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
It's kind of like...Asking your friend to pick out, buy, and give a birthday gift to your girlfriend/boyfriend on your behalf, I guess xD
You can argue over messages, yes, but even if you think out a message and it's perfect in your head, when you send it to the other person the message is seen from his/her point of view: he/she adds her own tone to your message, and what you wrote as a plain observation would suddenly become an insult in his/her eyes. Then you get lots of misunderstandings which may or may not be obvious.
why would a dumpee potentially be upset if they were broken up with over texts? Does it have to do with their dignities being undermined? and I agree with your observation of the potential misunderstandings that can arise...
 

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why would a dumpee potentially be upset if they were broken up with over texts? Does it have to do with their dignities being undermined? and I agree with your observation of the potential misunderstandings that can arise...
Because it wouldn't be a "sincere" break up. I know it's kind of weird for someone to want a break up to be sincere, but breaking up over text tends to translate to "I didn't think you deserved my time." (Since meeting up with someone takes a lot more time than simply texting.) It sounds shallow and quite unreasonable, but yep!
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Because it wouldn't be a "sincere" break up. I know it's kind of weird for someone to want a break up to be sincere, but breaking up over text tends to translate to "I didn't think you deserved my time." (Since meeting up with someone takes a lot more time than simply texting.) It sounds shallow and quite unreasonable, but yep!
It makes sense for them to want sincerity. As they are potentially in for a rough couple of months, as they try to recover. Tough! What do you think is the best thing the dumper can do, to make it easier for the dumpee? : (
 

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It makes sense for them to want sincerity. As they are potentially in for a rough couple of months, as they try to recover. Tough! What do you think is the best thing the dumper can do, to make it easier for the dumpee? : (
Do you mean when he/she tries to break up, or after breaking up over text? xD
 

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Either and or both
For the latter, a simple apology would suffice, I guess! And then the dumper can explain why he/she decided to break up over text, I'm sure the other person would understand.
Generally though, I don't really think there's any way to make it better xD I did read somewhere before that it's best not to start that "it's not your fault, it's mine" speech xD I personally think the best way to break up is just be honest. I mean yeah, it'll be hard for the dumper because he/she might be scared it'll be too harsh, but in the long run it's better for the other person. Like if the problem is with him/her, she'll try not to repeat it in the next relationship. Maybe use "What do you think about us breaking up?" or something like that instead of "Let's break up." The first kind of comes off a little softer for some reason, and it gives more room for discussion too, in my opinion xD
 

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Discussion Starter #11
For the latter, a simple apology would suffice, I guess! And then the dumper can explain why he/she decided to break up over text, I'm sure the other person would understand.
Generally though, I don't really think there's any way to make it better xD I did read somewhere before that it's best not to start that "it's not your fault, it's mine" speech xD I personally think the best way to break up is just be honest. I mean yeah, it'll be hard for the dumper because he/she might be scared it'll be too harsh, but in the long run it's better for the other person. Like if the problem is with him/her, she'll try not to repeat it in the next relationship. Maybe use "What do you think about us breaking up?" or something like that instead of "Let's break up." The first kind of comes off a little softer for some reason, and it gives more room for discussion too, in my opinion xD
Thank you, for your input.
I bolded the suggestion you wrote that I especially like. Just to give you a little background, I texted a guy I've been dating for a month "we can't date anymore" after which we met up and I told him honestly and gently why. He was especially pissed off that I brought up the topic over text (thus my inquiry). Anyway, I care about him a lot and am curious about the ways in which I could have made this easier for him...
 

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Hahas no problem! :D
By the way, he is an ENFJ. A very healthy ENFJ.
Hope he's not as mad though :S I've only met one ENFJ, one of my online friends. He's really healthy too, happy and open, never gets annoyed no matter how much I try :mad:
When it comes to his ex-girlfriend though, it gets scary D: I had already known him before they broke up, and he showed my friend and I pictures of them being all happy together. My friend and I were talking about how pretty his girlfriend was after he broke up with her (we didn't know that had happened then), and he just went all serious and grumpy and started talking about how she wasn't pretty and was a horrible person. He doesn't want to tell me what happen, but everytime you bring it up to him he'll get all grumpy and all, it feels like he's mad at her D:
I'm not sure if she broke up with him over text, or if he just gets mad at every girl that breaks up with him or something else entirely, but I can imagine why an ENFJ would be mad because of that xD Ego!
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Hahas no problem! :D

Hope he's not as mad though :S I've only met one ENFJ, one of my online friends. He's really healthy too, happy and open, never gets annoyed no matter how much I try :mad:
When it comes to his ex-girlfriend though, it gets scary D: I had already known him before they broke up, and he showed my friend and I pictures of them being all happy together. My friend and I were talking about how pretty his girlfriend was after he broke up with her (we didn't know that had happened then), and he just went all serious and grumpy and started talking about how she wasn't pretty and was a horrible person. He doesn't want to tell me what happen, but everytime you bring it up to him he'll get all grumpy and all, it feels like he's mad at her D:
I'm not sure if she broke up with him over text, or if he just gets mad at every girl that breaks up with him or something else entirely, but I can imagine why an ENFJ would be mad because of that xD Ego!
damn...What if I broke up with him while we were on very good terms. Like it was out of nowhere for us both? Will that prevent him from being bitter? ... Have you ever had a successful breakup>?
 

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damn...What if I broke up with him while we were on very good terms. Like it was out of nowhere for us both? Will that prevent him from being bitter? ... Have you ever had a successful breakup>?
I don't think it would 0_o But you can't blame yourself! People have different reactions, you hardly ever see someone who will be all "It's okay, it's for the better!" Eventually they'll realize that, but initially people either get really upset and blame themselves, or get angry and blame the other person/fate. It's not really something that can be helped!
Successful? *snorts* I try to cut off ties with someone, but there'll still be this little string attached. One guy is really keen on still being friends which I don't mind, but there are lots of moments where he hints at the possibility of us ever being together again, it's so frustrating D: I just can't seem to get my point across without hurting his feelings too much. And then there's this guy who I've completely cut off ties with, but in his mind I'm now a selfish bitch who likes to show off xD Sigh!
 

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why would a dumpee potentially be upset if they were broken up with over texts? Does it have to do with their dignities being undermined? and I agree with your observation of the potential misunderstandings that can arise...
Seriously?

You can't figure out WHY a two second text message would piss someone off?

1) it's quick, impersonal and dismissive.

2) it's impersonal. There is no seeing the person. No tone of voice. No body language.

3) it's impersonal (sensing a theme here) which suggests you were never serious about the relationship to begin with, which brings us back to the dismissive aspect.

And Finally....

4) It's impersonal and thus cowardly. I don't know about you, but realize I'd been going out with a coward would piss me off.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Seriously?

You can't figure out WHY a two second text message would piss someone off?

1) it's quick, impersonal and dismissive.

2) it's impersonal. There is no seeing the person. No tone of voice. No body language.

3) it's impersonal (sensing a theme here) which suggests you were never serious about the relationship to begin with, which brings us back to the dismissive aspect.

And Finally....

4) It's impersonal and thus cowardly. I don't know about you, but realize I'd been going out with a coward would piss me off.
do you think I would have started this thread if I completely understood the concept? Your reasons for it being impersonal are not as descriptive as I'd hoped, but at least it's a start. I thought a break up in itself is dismissive. And how is quick worse than long and drawn out? what kind of tone of voice is good? I think you hit the jackpot with "YOU WERE NEVER SERIOUS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP" I truly think that could be main answer... Which I can see as being an insult. Okay it fits. Finally, I have experience wih going out with a coward, I think it's more my issue that I went out with a coward and not the cowards... As in I wouldn't blame anyone but myself
 

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When people are in a relationship (a healthy one at any rate) there is emotional give and take that flows both ways. A text message not only completely, irrevocably and callously cuts off that flow. It also calls into question if there ever WAS a flow at all.

Yes brake-ups hurt and can be messy. But doing it badly will make it 10X worse.

Now it's my turn to ask a question:

Why on earth would you think breaking up via text message was in any way a good idea?
 

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Perhaps for the sake of closure. In person, it's much easier to talk back and forth than having to button press out all your words. Plus if you're there in person, you're present and able to be seen making an effort to understand. Where as with texting you could text "I don't want to continue with this relationship anymore" and then proceed to continue on with the day while the recipient is there contemplating all that with very little feedback if any. Why did this happen? Is it me? What did I do to upset them? What didn't I do right? What's going on in their life or mind that makes them want this?
Basically a flood of thoughts and no source to clarify with.

I can see how you could perhaps view it as an odd thing where there's an expectation of how something is done and without a good reason evident you wouldn't be motivated to follow expectations simply because that's how things are done.

I don't think there is a way to make it easier other than to try and do your best to finish things respectfully even if they get shitty. If they cared about you, it's going to hurt regardless of how well you do it.
 

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I would assume the person was a coward for not doing it face-to-face.

It seems all about the person initiating the breakup - for convenience, etc.

I can also see that impersonal breakup as passive-aggressive...
 
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