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Discussion Starter #1
Hi there. This is probably a bit heavy for a first post. But I've seen a lot of great insights on this forum, so I was hoping to read some interesting interpretations of this. I've often noticed, through other INFJ forums, that many INFJs have posted about their frustrations with dating. So, a lot of them end up trying Online Dating. The thing is, I believe that most of the commonly held INFJ traits we read about [introverted, intensely emotional, pursue intellectual interests] are not very attractive when written in a profile. So, I've noticed that a lot of people on these forums will inevitably filter themselves in order to seem more "normal" / create a more socially acceptable profile. My issue with this is that if you filter yourself, then all that's left is a boring account of yourself. But, being totally honest doesn't come across that well either. I find it's impossible to even find a compromise between both versions of your profile.

For example, what I'd really love to write is: Hi. I'm a hermit, borderline misanthrope. I lead a very happy life, and I'm just looking to add 1 extra person to my life, while maintaining my commitment to lead a content/drama free life. I also have a huge passion for soccer, and I'm heavily involved in a few online soccer communities making content for youtube.

Personally, I think this sounds awful. So, I'm basically forced to limit my profile to a boring:
  • Introverted
  • Love soccer
I feel like I'm stuck in this sense. I can't figure out how to portray my real qualities [often associated as INFJ quirks], without coming off very negatively.
 

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Idk I think your example sounds just fine. If that's what you want to put, then you should put that. Why would you do anything else? I'd think the point of a profile is to help filter out the ones that wouldn't be a good match. You want to attract someone who is interested in you, so be you. :)
 

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If you filter yourself you will end up doing the same mistake that most INFJ do in online dating and end up attracting "generic human" type of people and then deciding that online dating sucks.

I had a weird profile and I attracted a weird person also with a weird profile...one thing lead to another and 11-12 years later we are engaged.

You can always change your profile after a while to seem more "normal" still...sometimes doesn't matter what you write or say since the other person will interpret it in different way (hahah women). So if you write for example : introverted, intensely emotional, pursue intellectual interests = antisocial, whiny, smart ass. :D

 
 

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Discussion Starter #4
If you filter yourself you will end up doing the same mistake that most INFJ do in online dating and end up attracting "generic human" type of people and then deciding that online dating sucks.

I had a weird profile and I attracted a weird person also with a weird profile...one thing lead to another and 11-12 years later we are engaged.

You can always change your profile after a while to seem more "normal" still...sometimes doesn't matter what you write or say since the other person will interpret it in different way (hahah women). So if you write for example : introverted, intensely emotional, pursue intellectual interests = antisocial, whiny, smart ass. :D

 
That is so good. I never would have thought of that.
 

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Dating websites are pretty much the worst. I hate the feeling of advertising myself, it feels unnatural.
 

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Dating websites are pretty much the worst. I hate the feeling of advertising myself, it feels unnatural.
Agree completely with this and I'm nowhere near an INFJ.

Anyway, I don't have any advice since I'd never use one. But filtering yourself to seem "acceptable" is just a horrible idea. If they're gonna pass over your desired bio (which is honestly really tame IMO) they're not worth it.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Agree completely with this and I'm nowhere near an INFJ.

Anyway, I don't have any advice since I'd never use one. But filtering yourself to seem "acceptable" is just a horrible idea. If they're gonna pass over your desired bio (which is honestly really tame IMO) they're not worth it.
I think you're right and I'm starting to realize that the alternative is way worse than an honest post.
 

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INFJ traits we read about [introverted, intensely emotional, pursue intellectual interests] are not very attractive when written in a profile
Show, don’t tell!

I think you should try to write something more personal about you. The fact is that if I were to read a profile saying “I’m X, Y and Z” that’s going to get lost in the sea of other unimaginative profiles. Furthermore, introversion is usually mistaken for high levels of neuroticism, so some women may frown at the profile. You want to distinguish your profile rather than offer generic traits. A lot of guys are writing the same thing and that feels like a shopping list: “get a guy with X, Y, Z, now in Tinder stores!” ...this stuff isn’t going to get you noticed. Your phrase is not about who you are but rather what positive experience you can offer on a date. When they read your post they have to understand this: “if you go out with me, I’ll offer you this type of experience!”

When I first downloaded a dating app I used a small story to introduce myself. I regarded my presence on Tinder as a paradox that would be best explained by this anecdote. Bertrand Russell was given a dreamcatcher (or something like that). When Russell’s friends asked him why he kept one in his house if he didn’t believe in the supernatural he replied: “I’ve been told it works even if you don’t believe in it”. Much like Russell, I wasn’t convinced that dating apps work, yet my friends told me it would work regardless of my belief.

It’s not the ultimate way to get laid but it makes my presentation original, it’s a chill anecdote that you could use in a normal conversation and it tells something about me as a person (I like culture, am fairly open-minded, I like irony, and I’m somewhat new at this). Then you can write below stuff you like. Anyway point is: you are a creative personality? Don’t tell that to people, prove it.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Show, don’t tell!

I think you should try to write something more personal about you. The fact is that if I were to read a profile saying “I’m X, Y and Z” that’s going to get lost in the sea of other unimaginative profiles. Furthermore, introversion is usually mistaken for high levels of neuroticism, so some women may frown at the profile. You want to distinguish your profile rather than offer generic traits. A lot of guys are writing the same thing and that feels like a shopping list: “get a guy with X, Y, Z, now in Tinder stores!” ...this stuff isn’t going to get you noticed. Your phrase is not about who you are but rather what positive experience you can offer on a date. When they read your post they have to understand this: “if you go out with me, I’ll offer you this type of experience!”

When I first downloaded a dating app I used a small story to introduce myself. I regarded my presence on Tinder as a paradox that would be best explained by this anecdote. Bertrand Russell was given a dreamcatcher (or something like that). When Russell’s friends asked him why he kept one in his house if he didn’t believe in the supernatural he replied: “I’ve been told it works even if you don’t believe in it”. Much like Russell, I wasn’t convinced that dating apps work, yet my friends told me it would work regardless of my belief.

It’s not the ultimate way to get laid but it makes my presentation original, it’s a chill anecdote that you could use in a normal conversation and it tells something about me as a person (I like culture, am fairly open-minded, I like irony, and I’m somewhat new at this). Then you can write below stuff you like. Anyway point is: you are a creative personality? Don’t tell that to people, prove it.
Right. So you're saying it's best to give a more detailed impression of what hanging out with you means. I'll use that. Thanks. I was actually thinking of posting some of the Youtube content that I make (where I film myself talking about sports history). A part of me thinks this would be a great way to show people how I really am. But another part of me thinks that this would kill the "mystery", which apparently is valued in online dating.
 

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So you're saying it's best to give a more detailed impression of what hanging out with you means. I'll use that.
Indeed!
Give it a try. If you want link a video but consider that unless you can view it from the app, I doubt a girl would click and open a new page from the app. Writing that you’re a youtuber is a good idea in my opinion. It’s a cool hobby/job.
 

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You're never going to appeal to the vast majority of women, unless you're what is deemed "good looking" (it varies in time and space) AND/OR pretend to be someone else. I mean there are many videos on YouTube to teach you how to craft a good profile, how to market yourself... but that's just so dehumanizing? Isn't it?

Just be yourself. Even if it means being alone. Trying to pretend to be whatever the other gender supposedly desires is not worth it. Nothing real or satisfying would come out of it. And it defeats the whole point of being with someone (even if all you want is to just get laid) - that is, to be with someone you can truly be yourself with.

And you know what? I actually liked your example. It would definitely make me curious about you.
 

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Thank you for the endearing comment. You’ve been really nice.

how to market yourself... but that's just so dehumanizing? Isn't it?
Fi detected!
(damn, how do I see people’s type these days?)

I think it’s true. Yet that goes with many other relationships in general: imo it’s really hard to feel in sync with someone. The issue with internet dating, atleast for me, is that I have never shared any previous moments with that person and therefore I feel like there are no ties keeping us together. It doesn’t feel romantic. And that’s kind of disappointing. But I don’t think it has to be dehumanizing. For example a friend of mine found her boyfriend through internet dating, and they have been together for a while now (two years), so who am I to judge?

I think being yourself is essential - you want to feel comfortable in what you’re doing and, so-to-speak, wear your own clothes. Yet, you still have to present yourself at the best of your capabilities and make an effort to be appreciated by people.
 

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It goes kind of goes both ways. Do you really want to go pick up a girl at the 'market'? I would try hanging around a neighboring town and meet someone in person.
 

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You're never going to appeal to the vast majority of women, unless you're what is deemed "good looking" (it varies in time and space) AND/OR pretend to be someone else. I mean there are many videos on YouTube to teach you how to craft a good profile, how to market yourself... but that's just so dehumanizing? Isn't it?

Just be yourself. Even if it means being alone. Trying to pretend to be whatever the other gender supposedly desires is not worth it. Nothing real or satisfying would come out of it. And it defeats the whole point of being with someone (even if all you want is to just get laid) - that is, to be with someone you can truly be yourself with.

And you know what? I actually liked your example. It would definitely make me curious about you.
Thats the hardest part isnt it. To have genuine acceptance for who one really truly is. It is so easy to tweak the lines to generate a tailored package. Or to create an image. And the rest of the fakeness. But for someone to really know you and like you more for your honesty than your what ever else, or even fancy openness, insight and depth more than where you or any of us fail ... that is already a big deal, at least these days.
 

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Dating markets, or exposure can be uncomfortable if ones self esteem is low to medium. So working on say competence to add self confidence is the key here in this case.

But even then, an app can and will desensitivizise. So thats the flip side of filtering out and scanning faster. Because more than often I believe people miss out the very best opportunities there are or wouldve been, by WAY too fast conclusions.

As often alter egos go both ways. Ugly pretend to be handsome and the cool pretent to be morons. So thats that.
 

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I was recommended to try dating sites, as I cannot for whatever reason, say yes to a girl in real life when she asks me out.

I generally do pretty well on Tinder, at least in terms of getting matches. But I don't know really what I was expecting, as I still actively avoid conversation. I just end up deleting my profile, then starting it back up (when I get a new perspective, which often quickly disappears), then rinse and repeat. I've had Tinder for over a year now, and I got lots of matches (from some pretty decent looking women), but some part of me just wants to avoid the entire thing.
I know at my previous job in a workshop or back in High School, I would get made fun of for this. The most attractive girl in the world could show up at my door, then I would just immediately blow her off.

I generally find Tinder and other dating sites to be a bit "grimey". The guys on there seem really desperate, and the girls on there seem extremely entitled ("don't waste my time", "If you don't (insert trivial thing here) swipe left" etc). Not the type of crowd I would normally hang around or like. My younger ESFP brother (who is pretty promiscious otherwise) also feels the same way about Tinder, so maybe it isn't just an INFJ thing.

I also REALLY don't like putting myself out there unless I have to. I like to talk about ideas, values, ethics, economics, movie analysis, etc. Not typically things you can fit into a small bio, much less something anyone would read.

I can't tell you how to talk with girls (I should be the one asking for advice in THAT regard). But if you want some pointers to get yourself attention (and not to be a total lost cause like myself), I can give you a few tips.
1. Your pictures matter. The composition of the photo, what you are wearing, the context, lighting, background, etc, can give yourself an impression that is seperate from your percieved atttractiveness. For example, a simple selfie is going to get buried relatively quickly. But a picture that is taken away from you (from another person or a bi-pod), allows for greater possibilities in photos. Be creative with the backdrop, be colourful. For the love of God, no mirror selfies.
If you want feedback on your photos, try PhotoFeeler

2. Make sure you have a bio that doesn't take yourself too seriously. Write down your future goals and endeavors, so women know that you have plans for yourself outside of getting a girl (for example, I would write down that I hope to become a teacher, and hopefully instruct in different countries). But outside of that, don't write down your personality too much. You want just enough to intrigue, but not enough where they can derive who you truly are without inquiring further.

Bleh, I feel like a pick-up artist. I need to take a shower.

For me, just the whole idea of online dating feels forced. I can acknowlege it sometimes works, but I don't think it is for me. Maybe OP feels the same way, I don't know. I am probably going to delete my online accounts, and try and be more open when college opens back up.

I just generally prefer to sit down at a coffee shop after work, write in a journal or study for class, then meet with whoever decides to strike up a conversation. I've been asked out numerous times that way, and it just feels more "organic" and less forced.
 

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I never had much luck dating online for many of the reasons stated in this thread. I basically neutered myself in my profile and attracted a mix of weirdos and what I assume were married women looking for side action. Funny thing is I never had much trouble dating in real life, but my attraction style was unique and atypical. Very aloof and subtle. I was generally quiet and reserved while always looking and acting my best. My female friends used to call me "that guy", which was basically saying I drew their attention without getting in their faces like most guys. It worked well for me in the real world, but not online.
 

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I agree with most of what others have said

My $0.02: keep in mind that the goal of your profile is to GET YOU ON AN ACTUAL DATE. It is NOT to portray your deep, inner self. That will come thru in time. I never make a profile longer than three sentences. Emphasis is on being interesting and different from the other spazz-lords

Within thirty seconds or so of the first date, (especially if you are XNFJ) you will know whether there is potential for a longer-term, more meaningful connection. I recommend you make the first date last 20 minutes, maybe 30z Leave them wanting more. Try to jump to more than one location: it will make the experience more interesting & the girl will feel more comfortable with you if you have been more than one place together.

So, orient everything towards getting the first date. There is absolutely no point in trying to achieve anything more “meaningful” thru tinder than getting that first date.

When I’m using tinder (ugh) I always delete and recreate my account every 48 hours. Because the algorithm exposes you to more women/people the first 24 hours, when your account is new.

2 or 3 INTERESTING & attractive (as much as possible) photos & a few INTERESTING lines. That’s what tinder is for. Anything else & you are sabotaging yourself.

Tinder is annoying, fake-ass bullshit. So why waste more than the minimum amount of time on it?
 

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This is my opinion, may sound rude please take it with a grain of salt.

Socially accepted profile what is that, is there any pre-defined format as to how the Online dating profile of an INFJ should look like ?

True for an INFJ, finding THE RIGHT match could be difficult, but why do we feel the need to compromise on Who we really are ? What our real inherent strengths/potential is ? If I were you, I would portray myself to be exactly who I am, without having any regrets. People should accept you for who you are, and not who they want you to be.

It also depends on what you look for in the online dating relationship, especially INFJ's being emotional, always look for deep and meaningful connections that can sustain in the long term, good things take time and Patience is the greatest virtue, the right person will come at the right time and accept you for who you are, unless you are looking for something else in Online Dating.
 
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