Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 48 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
46 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Power Confidence Money Control these are all things you need in today's society to get ahead at anything. To get the girl most woman now i'm not saying all but most are attracted to those attributes in men. INFP males do not care about being in powerful positions we don't care we wanna be the laid back ones that let everyone else do all the power trips and ego trips. Me personally could care less about money as long as i have enough to live im good money doesn't really mean anything to me Control I would say the only time i care about control is in the bedroom but day to day life im ok with letting other people take the lead. I don't care im like a hippi but i don't smoke weed. INFP males have it worse than INFP females because girls are expected to be dreamers to be into art to enjoy emotional things. Now im not saying it isn't hard for a infp female i know they probably have trouble finding a partner or finding what makes them them. I'm saying in the recent society INFP males get the short end of the stick. Some girls like infp males its usually the girl who has been dumped by men who have all the above attributes and they need someone they can use us for emotional seeking were like a emotional vacuum people think they can just let out all there emotions on to us and were just there to suck it up and take it in cause we don't want to control you we want to understand you and seek Harmony in everything we do. Sometimes i feel if i grew up in the 70's when music was about something and people were seeking harmony and it was just different back then. Oh well any other infp males feel this way or am i just alone on this?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
53 Posts
Well I can relate to not fitting in and being lonely, having no interest in money and control etc. But I enjoy being different than "most guys". I'm not looking to attract "most girls", only that single one who is right for me. And if I am being myself then that is all I have to do. If you want to attract the right person for you, you just have to have the courage to be who you are enough that you accept yourself and wouldn't have it any other way. I'm hardly a lady's man, and I am terribly shy and socially awkward when it comes to girls I like, but I think your biggest problem is that you are not at home in your own self. If you were, and had a little faith, the right girl would be able to find you and you her. But rather you blame society. Society is completely full of shit. You will get no argument from me there. But there is no shortage of wonderful and amazing women out there who do not want the kind of guy you speak of, that want someone who is authentic and genuine. But you have to be your own self and accept your own self to be the guy that will attract and deserve one of these angels. It doesn't seem to me that you do. Sure, an INFP male is the opposite of the classic "alpha male" or whatever. Does that bother me? No. I wouldn't be caught dead being such a spiritless dork. Any girl I would be interested in would feel the same about being with such a hilarious example of a human. Stop making excuses and be the person you are, the guy the right girl for you would want. Though maybe you don't want that girl. Well then yeah, there's a disadvantage for sure. How to be like "most guys" to get "most girls" when you are the opposite of "most guys". It's hard pretending to be someone you're not. But if you want something meaningful, I think INFP guys probably have a leg up on the competition if we could just get over our shyness.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,510 Posts
I haven't really noticed that girls care about money, status and power. I meet wonderful women all the time who are not the least interested in that kind of men. I nevel feel disadvantaged for being soft and idealistic.

But I guess it depends on what social context you are in. I hope you find some better environment.
 
Joined
·
1,239 Posts
Well I can relate to not fitting in and being lonely, having no interest in money and control etc. But I enjoy being different than "most guys". I'm not looking to attract "most girls", only that single one who is right for me. And if I am being myself then that is all I have to do. If you want to attract the right person for you, you just have to have the courage to be who you are enough that you accept yourself and wouldn't have it any other way. I'm hardly a lady's man, and I am terribly shy and socially awkward when it comes to girls I like, but I think your biggest problem is that you are not at home in your own self. If you were, and had a little faith, the right girl would be able to find you and you her. But rather you blame society. Society is completely full of shit. You will get no argument from me there. But there is no shortage of wonderful and amazing women out there who do not want the kind of guy you speak of, that want someone who is authentic and genuine. But you have to be your own self and accept your own self to be the guy that will attract and deserve one of these angels. It doesn't seem to me that you do. Sure, an INFP male is the opposite of the classic "alpha male" or whatever. Does that bother me? No. I wouldn't be caught dead being such a spiritless dork. Any girl I would be interested in would feel the same about being with such a hilarious example of a human. Stop making excuses and be the person you are, the guy the right girl for you would want. Though maybe you don't want that girl. Well then yeah, there's a disadvantage for sure. How to be like "most guys" to get "most girls" when you are the opposite of "most guys". It's hard pretending to be someone you're not. But if you want something meaningful, I think INFP guys probably have a leg up on the competition if we could just get over our shyness.
100% agree with this! Or maybe even 200%, I'm not sure.



You have to accept yourself and the way you are. Deep down I know you wouldn't want to be any different. Think for a second about who you actually are, and you will imagine your true self in your mind. Stay true to this version of yourself, not the version of yourself that you've been pressured into being. The sooner you realise this, the sooner you realise you don't really want the kind of girl who goes for all the alpha males. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
576 Posts
I find that some women my age are starting to find my softness? or laid back attitude to be endearing at the least, when a back bone is shown. Now I feel I could get a women's attention, but keeping her attention is the hard part. I'm just not aggressive enough until it's too late, and then it's more desperation, of a bumbling, stumbling, fool. That's not good. As soon as I understood that females are not really looking for a night in shining armor, I could feel myself loosen up a bit. Still a work in progress.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
357 Posts
I agree that INFP males get the short end of the stick, but I don't mean with dating. Society in whole does not like our nature. Growing up, I always faced indifference towards my personality. My whole aunts and uncles shamed me when I cried and said that "I need to man up or stop acting like a girl." Because of these gender roles, we're being oppressed to change our own personality in order to fit in this society. Genders shouldn't even have a distinct personality. Because of hyper masculinity, our emotions and sensitive nature are to be spited. Society wants all men to be "strong, logical, emotionless". And this would affect us while growing up. We're already confused at this age, why make us more confused? My dad always tried to encourage me to try doing more "manly" activities. I don't understand society's obsession with becoming "manly". It really sucks how society values the complete opposite in us.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
993 Posts
money means a lot to me though, when i imagine what money can buy me....... it's quite crazy really....... i freaking LOVE money!

and well there's a lot of factors...... to consider........

i have to admit in soceity INFP aren't that good at socializing but they do have potential to be pretty good..... tbh i think you just need some practice and an TRUELY opened mindset.

i attract girls just fine. problem is when they approach me i don't know how to interact with them because I'm awkward lol. ( i need to work on being more open)

naturally if you ask me yea i don't really care for power. but the problem for me is that when i see injustice i kinda strive for power because i know people on the top aren't doing the right thing, and i want to stop them.

well you know yea..... sometimes a part of me wants to be an INTJ....... because they have Fi as their 3rd function and yet they are insane masterminds.......

if i was an INTJ i's get a high paying job insanely fast...... they are i think the rarest/most intelligent type and that's why people need them the most!.

also, i'd be an insane mastermind and no problem in this world will be too much for me lol. dang must be great being an INTJ

but then again....... INFP has a dominate Fi and i love my emotionally rich world.

i love being an INFP because i know i can experience so much emotion that most other types cannot even begin to imagine.

being an INFP is truly a blessing and i am truly grateful to be an INFP.........

given the choice between an INFP or any other type......... i'd prob still choose INFP i mean what's the point of understanding things if you can't feel it?

what's the point of having something if you cannot feel it?

see? in the end INFP imo is my favorite type. but INTJ is my 2nd favorite.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,481 Posts
You must have a career and not live with your parents but, beyond that, most women do not care. They will date you and want to be with you if they find you physically attractive (this is extremely important unless they're demisexual, and most women are not demi despite what you may have been told by PUA or other weirdos) and enjoy your personality.

Self-sufficiency has always been important. It's not an "in today's society!" thing.

I am currently, ah, "between" careers and living with my parents. Even though I'm pretty in the traditional sense, men are not interested in me as a serious candidate because of this. Mating has become more materialistic for both genders. Both must launch careers because the economy is now set up for a two income household. + not having a career just makes you seem like a bum and makes your partner embarrassed, unless you're both in some counterculture religious community.

Sometimes i feel if i grew up in the 70's when music was about something

The early 70s put out amazing music. However...you still couldn't get laid often if you live with mom and dad. It was also the era of the serial killer and cocaine. And it's emphasis on individualism gave birth to the rampant materialism and anti-family sentiments of the 80s.

Start looking at a community college career booklet and pick something or stop whining.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,248 Posts
I think it's true that most women are attracted to those attributes, but not necessarily in ways that are incompatible with being an INFP. Fundamentally I think they are all signals that you are able to protect and provide within a relationship, a sort of "biological-level" desire. So, if you can demonstrate that more directly to a potential mate, then you don't need to use your position or attributes to show that. Fortunately, I think it should come pretty naturally to an INFP to be compassionate, loyal, and generous.

Being confident and self-directed are probably realistically an INFP's two biggest hurdles, and if you work on those, I think you will find that everything else falls into place.

INFP males have it worse than INFP females because girls are expected to be dreamers to be into art to enjoy emotional things. Now im not saying it isn't hard for a infp female i know they probably have trouble finding a partner or finding what makes them them.
I agree with you that INFP men probably deviate further from the male norm/expectation than INFP women, but in my experience, women are not typically expected to be dreamers or into art. We are expected to be drawn to the emotional, but not really in the way that INFP women typically are, which is not outwardly emotional as much as inwardly sensitive.

You are not alone in feeling different from the norm by any means - even ESTJs and ESFJs struggle with feeling different than others. We are all different from the norm in our personal way. You will find many women out there who appreciate that you will be understanding and tolerant of their differences.

Some girls like infp males its usually the girl who has been dumped by men who have all the above attributes and they need someone they can use us for emotional seeking were like a emotional vacuum people think they can just let out all there emotions on to us and were just there to suck it up and take it in cause we don't want to control you we want to understand you and seek Harmony in everything we do.
That's true for INFP women, too. We also tend to be used as a free therapist. I think it's particularly important for INFPs to be clear and create boundaries for how far you will go for someone who is not your mate, otherwise you can end up being used. However, if and when you do enforce that distance and protect yourself emotionally, I think you will find that you have an easier time than other men developing deep, meaningful relationships with women.
 
Joined
·
1,239 Posts
money means a lot to me though, when i imagine what money can buy me....... it's quite crazy really....... i freaking LOVE money!

and well there's a lot of factors...... to consider........

i have to admit in soceity INFP aren't that good at socializing but they do have potential to be pretty good..... tbh i think you just need some practice and an TRUELY opened mindset.

i attract girls just fine. problem is when they approach me i don't know how to interact with them because I'm awkward lol. ( i need to work on being more open)

naturally if you ask me yea i don't really care for power. but the problem for me is that when i see injustice i kinda strive for power because i know people on the top aren't doing the right thing, and i want to stop them.

well you know yea..... sometimes a part of me wants to be an INTJ....... because they also have Fi as their 3rd function and yet they are insanely masterminds.......

if i was an INTJ i's get a high paying job insanely fast...... they are i think the rarest/most intelligent type and that's why people need them the most!.

also, i'd be an insane mastermind and no problem in this world will be too much for me lol. dang must be great being an INTJ

but then again....... INFP has a dominate Fi and i love my emotionally rich world world.

i love being an INFP because i know i can experience so much emotion that most other types cannot even begin to feel.

being an INFP is truly a blessing and i am truly grateful to be an INFP.........

given the choice between an INFP or any other type......... i'd prob still choose INFP i mean what's the point of understanding things if you can't feel it?

what's the point of having something if you cannot feel it?

see? in the end INFP imo is my favorite type. but INTJ is my 2nd favorite.
Why do you paragraph so much? (no offense just wandering)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
313 Posts
It doesn't suck to be an INFP. Having a bad experience as an INFP is only one possibility out of many. As INFP's.. we're really fascinated with possibilities, right?

Society creates definitions for how we should be, but not dogma. Maybe it's mainstream society, or even just Western society that INFPS can be so unsatisfied with..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,567 Posts
Power Confidence Money Control these are all things you need in today's society to get ahead at anything. To get the girl most woman now i'm not saying all but most are attracted to those attributes in men. INFP males do not care about being in powerful positions we don't care we wanna be the laid back ones that let everyone else do all the power trips and ego trips. Me personally could care less about money as long as i have enough to live im good money doesn't really mean anything to me Control I would say the only time i care about control is in the bedroom but day to day life im ok with letting other people take the lead. I don't care im like a hippi but i don't smoke weed. INFP males have it worse than INFP females because girls are expected to be dreamers to be into art to enjoy emotional things. Now im not saying it isn't hard for a infp female i know they probably have trouble finding a partner or finding what makes them them. I'm saying in the recent society INFP males get the short end of the stick. Some girls like infp males its usually the girl who has been dumped by men who have all the above attributes and they need someone they can use us for emotional seeking were like a emotional vacuum people think they can just let out all there emotions on to us and were just there to suck it up and take it in cause we don't want to control you we want to understand you and seek Harmony in everything we do. Sometimes i feel if i grew up in the 70's when music was about something and people were seeking harmony and it was just different back then. Oh well any other infp males feel this way or am i just alone on this?
This again, you're not alone in feeling this way @Intelligentiful, I see a version of this thread and the associated feeling with regularity. Twenty odd years ago I felt much the same way, perspective however is a blessing. It can indeed suck to be an INFP male if one lets society dictate ones sense of self worth, but you needn't do that.
One of the least attractive traits to anyone male or female I think is self pity, and probably the most attractive trait is confidence, I very much believe that our biggest impediment in finding happiness is our own tendency to self loathing.Not all or even most women are attracted to the alpha stereotype, and of those who are, are they really the ones you wish to be with? There are plenty of people who will find you attractive for who you really are. As far as it being easier in the past I suspect thats utter bullshit, the past always looks easier and simpler to us but thats almost certainly not true, though I agree there was some great music in the 70s.
When I was younger I too was a miserable ball of self hatred and self pity, but over time I did things, some of them successful, and from this confidence grew. As my confidence grew so did my appeal to others, as well as happiness and self acceptance. I learned not to let others dictate my self image or definition of success and it changed my life, now years later I'm one of the happiest of my peers. So my suggestion to you is to stop crying into your cornflakes, find out who you are then be that person, be him unapologetically. Nurture that guy, let him grow in strength and confidence and learn to love him, and soon others will love him too. I'm not trying to kick you while you feel down, I wish you the best of luck, I was once in much the same place as you, but that place only exists while you allow it to, the power to change your situation lies with you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,364 Posts
The thing is, it's not just a male thing, or even an INFP thing. I say this because I've been there, and I know people of other types who become trapped in the self-pity as well.

The other posters are right. There are plenty of qualities to love in an INFP. What people are repelled by is a professional victim. Someone who insists on wallowing in their own misery, instead of giving people something of value. That "something of value" might be your stereotypical so-called alpha male qualities, but it doesn't have to be, if that's not what comes naturally to you. There are all sorts of people in the world and even if it takes a while, I'm sure you will find your tribe. But they're not going to come to you while you're reliving the past in your own head.

Basically what it comes down to is choosing between the self-pity and change. The former is easier, but it's not going to get you what you want. The latter might be long and hard, but you're already unhappy, so it's not like you're going to be any worse off. And unlike the former, it has potential. This potential is an essential part of being an INFP, and it's what you seem to be missing at the moment.

As a bit of an aside @Turlowe, I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I really love that we have you and some other older INFP men here. I was lucky enough to grow up with a Fi-dom father so I've never had any doubt about the masculinity of IxFP types, but I've read so many posts from young INFP blokes doubting themselves, and it's nice to see proof that it can be (and often is) different.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
@Intelligentiful I can absolutely relate to the way you are feeling. We live in a performance society where money is our religion and social reputation is closely related to our career performance, income and status symbols. It's hard when you don't perfectly fit into this system with your own values. This sets you under constant pressure, and when you're male this pressure is even higher as up until today there is no decent and widely accepted male role model available outside the classic performance-career-thing.
However, there will be a time where you will find your place, your niche in society as INFP male. I still feel the way you do from time to time, but most of the time I'm ok with being different and often I really enjoy it. It started when I began to accept the way I am. Try to appreciate it being different. There are enough of other people (including women) out there that share your values, find them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Power Confidence Money Control these are all things you need in today's society to get ahead at anything. To get the girl most woman now i'm not saying all but most are attracted to those attributes in men. INFP males do not care about being in powerful positions we don't care we wanna be the laid back ones that let everyone else do all the power trips and ego trips. Me personally could care less about money as long as i have enough to live im good money doesn't really mean anything to me Control I would say the only time i care about control is in the bedroom but day to day life im ok with letting other people take the lead. I don't care im like a hippi but i don't smoke weed. INFP males have it worse than INFP females because girls are expected to be dreamers to be into art to enjoy emotional things. Now im not saying it isn't hard for a infp female i know they probably have trouble finding a partner or finding what makes them them. I'm saying in the recent society INFP males get the short end of the stick. Some girls like infp males its usually the girl who has been dumped by men who have all the above attributes and they need someone they can use us for emotional seeking were like a emotional vacuum people think they can just let out all there emotions on to us and were just there to suck it up and take it in cause we don't want to control you we want to understand you and seek Harmony in everything we do. Sometimes i feel if i grew up in the 70's when music was about something and people were seeking harmony and it was just different back then. Oh well any other infp males feel this way or am i just alone on this?
I get what your saying I really do. I was walking my dog talking to this lady that lives near the lake and I told her myself that I wished I lived in dare I say it the 70's. I dont know if this some romantic idea just because it was more a hippy era or a simpler time where we werent so obsessed with egotistical and materialistic conquests.

When I talk to myself in retrospect I say this though. The character Gordon Gekko from Wall Street represents human greed and the ultimate idea of self interest regardless of what bystanders he/she may hurt directly and indirectly. The movie "There will be blood" is also another prime example of this aspect of human nature.

Going back in time doesnt change this and as far as I'm concerned I dont think there is a true way of beating these Power Confidence Money Control at least not on their terms. I think the idea is to not get absolutely burned by these individuals and through our own self preservation find our own form of "winning".

I think you and I and anyone else who has this sort of thinking needs to be less hard on ourselves and find ways to diversify our social and financial skill set so that we can feel fulfilled and accomplished just like anyone else. And I say this with the idea that I probably have had more failings on a human level than most other INFPs and Im not too far off from the age of 30.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
118 Posts
I think it's pretty clear that an INFP-type is almost the invert of western society's "accepted" or "praised" personality. They don't act on logical processes, are wary of social interaction and "networking" (the gilded term it is), have difficulties with directness and are more likely to suffer low confidence and self-esteem, etc., etc.

Cool.

Like, yeah, it sucks. For both genders, really, as the professional, confident woman in the workforce is becoming increasingly desirable as well. I mean, I've never felt so out of place as varsity sports for high school, surrounded by a ton of ESTJ-, ENTJ-esque people in a testosterone-filled environment. But what can I do about it? I can't just magic up a new mind for myself.

I'll be honest, I'm not "confident in my masculinity" at all. I never really have, even though I lie through my teeth to get by sometimes. I don't spend hours working in the gym, and the idea of casually hitting on girls at parties makes me so anxious I feel sick. It's just... not how I work.

And I'm starting to accept that recently. I can't make myself more masculine/attractive/desirable/whatever, so instead its now a question of "where/with whom can someone like me exist peacefully"? Instead of obsessing over some paltry biceps and pickup lines, energy is going towards nurturing what I do well. Instead of forcing water into a stone, now I'm trying to find a pond of my own.

It feels better. There's less anxiety, a touch more confidence in my own quiet, awkward ways. I know it sounds like an oxymoron or whatever, but it's true.

I mean, finding girls is still hella scary. Like, spiders-under-my-bed frightening. But at least I can finally, with some confidence, know that I'm looking for the right kind of girls. Instead of lying with "she's hot" or "I like her body", it's "she's really thoughtful and fun to talk to" or "I like the way she smiles and how she thinks".

Sappy, me-things like that. Things that most of the guys around me would laugh at me for, but as long as I'm happy in the end, who cares?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
622 Posts
I haven't really noticed that girls care about money, status and power. I meet wonderful women all the time who are not the least interested in that kind of men. I nevel feel disadvantaged for being soft and idealistic.

But I guess it depends on what social context you are in. I hope you find some better environment.
Dude where do you live?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
622 Posts
This again, you're not alone in feeling this way @Intelligentiful, I see a version of this thread and the associated feeling with regularity. Twenty odd years ago I felt much the same way, perspective however is a blessing. It can indeed suck to be an INFP male if one lets society dictate ones sense of self worth, but you needn't do that.
One of the least attractive traits to anyone male or female I think is self pity, and probably the most attractive trait is confidence, I very much believe that our biggest impediment in finding happiness is our own tendency to self loathing.Not all or even most women are attracted to the alpha stereotype, and of those who are, are they really the ones you wish to be with? There are plenty of people who will find you attractive for who you really are. As far as it being easier in the past I suspect thats utter bullshit, the past always looks easier and simpler to us but thats almost certainly not true, though I agree there was some great music in the 70s.
When I was younger I too was a miserable ball of self hatred and self pity, but over time I did things, some of them successful, and from this confidence grew. As my confidence grew so did my appeal to others, as well as happiness and self acceptance. I learned not to let others dictate my self image or definition of success and it changed my life, now years later I'm one of the happiest of my peers. So my suggestion to you is to stop crying into your cornflakes, find out who you are then be that person, be him unapologetically. Nurture that guy, let him grow in strength and confidence and learn to love him, and soon others will love him too. I'm not trying to kick you while you feel down, I wish you the best of luck, I was once in much the same place as you, but that place only exists while you allow it to, the power to change your situation lies with you.
Yep
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
547 Posts
Power Confidence Money Control these are all things you need in today's society to get ahead at anything.
By whose criteria? What is 'getting ahead'?

You are buying into 'their' vision and struggling to meet their criteria for success - of course it sucks because you cannot succeed by their standards.

How do *you* define success?
 
1 - 20 of 48 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top