Personality Cafe banner
1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,617 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I flake on plans a lot. Most of the time I get brow-beaten by a more persuasive person to promise myself to plans that I would really never see myself going through with. I have an inability to say no and be firm about it, and people usually jump in at the point of weakness and firm up a plan for me. And then I mull over it (worry about it) till I call and apologetically back out of it.
This is why people hate me. This tendency of mine drives everyone crazy, even other NPs. The extroverted people are usually too good at worming commitments out of me and then get pissed when I don't follow through.

Is this a normal INFP thing?

And what is one quality/mannerism for which people dislike you? I think we should be able to learn from this thread, not wallow in self pity. Or at least gather strategies about dealing with more strong and insistent personalities.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Something related to what you describe, but not quite manifesting itself in the same way:

I'm terrible at replying to invitations. E-mails and text messages go unanswered. I'll even go to great length to avoid people that I know or suspect will invite me to something or other. But I think that once I say yes, I'm very bad at cancelling at the last minute.

But see, the problem with my approach is that, typically, the timeframe for such invitations to social events is longer than what it takes for me to switch from want-to-meet-people-mode to don't-want-to-meet-people-mode. So even if I said yes to something, because I wanted some company at the time, by the time the meeting actually comes around, I'm back to my introverted self and don't have the energy to actually follow through, though grudgingly go anyway. You approach is much better in that regard.

So, perhaps I should try that instead. Maybe that'll actually make me funner to be around. Thanks for giving me something to think about!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,229 Posts
Hmm, I guess I have three things to say. One is that you don't always do this, and sometimes you get along with people. Another is that I wonder if this started at some point in life when things didn't go the way you expected and wanted them to go, and lastly, i wonder if focusing more on the existential purpose to life, will allow you to gather a more "life has my back so let me worry less so i can help people more since my worry doesnt necessarily do as much good as i want it to" attitude that might be able to help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,460 Posts
Haters gonna hate. The same qualities that attract people to me are the same that people grow annoyed by or begin to make them hate me. My sense of humor is one. I can joke about pretty much anything, from the mundane to the disturbing. People find it liberating yet repulsive at the same time. I also appear very quiet and intellectual and have insulting down to an art. What people don't understand is that I attack character faults, not the actual person. I do this to everyone, including myself, but since everyone thinks that I wouldn't do it to them and think we're "friends" they're sorely mistaken. If I see one of their faults, I insult it. They take offense and call me an asshole. I don't hate them. I just saw a fault and commented, maybe made a joke out of it, yet I guess I'm just a terrible person. Anyway, that's what people dislike about me. Most of my loved ones and select few friends know enough about me that they don't let my quirks get to them.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,960 Posts
Well, you have to learn to say "no". In a firm way. But, also deal with the guilt. (i.e. if you feel guilty, then why do you feel guilty ?) Cos you got to rationalise this part for yourself. In doing so, your inner sense of self will build up and increase confidence too. It is a way to define respect. It is also getting to know each other pretty well too. Whenever you meet new people, always define this. It is letting them to get to know you and so forth. Maybe in the future, they can be more accomodating, and then different personalities will adjust slowly to make a group work. You can sense the shift in changes.

I have made people do things with me even when they did not want to. They normally kick up a fuss about it during the process, and then I never ask them to do it again. It is getting to know them too when I do this. I also found that I never invite them to events which is important to me. (Really, I should do. Especially family.) Making an effort like that, shows how important the other person is to you.

Do not make it into a flake thing. Just say "no", and tell them why you do not want to. "This is not my cup of tea, it is too loud, I know I won't like it, but please do enjoy yourselves anyway. We can catch up afterwards and you can tell me all about it!" Or do a "I cannot go to this thing, cos I need to save money for something else xyz, but I can still do coffee and catch up with everybody." Over time, if the group is respectful to everybody, then they would know or come to understand who may or may not do certain social activities etc. You can then take it or leave it etc.

I have had an ESTJ who tried to batter me into something I was not, and she was must have thought that I was not any fun at all. Cos she was not respectful, and therefore I was so much more intimidated by her. Saying that, she managed to spike my drink cos I was not enjoying myself. She thought that was funny. I cried that night, cos I felt violated by someone I trusted. She was a work colleague. Yet, I forgave her. Cos I was young and naive. I did not know how to protect myself. Well, she did feel guilty, and she started this running club, which was so much more positive for everybody, so we were okay for a while. This created some kind of cohesion for our working group. It isn't until i have been in other companies to find that, I can indeed say "no". Or that, if someone honors you as a person, then they too would respect you in one form or another. i.e. even if they asked you out for a drink and that you do not drink, then go but order a non-alcoholic drink or something. It is to me, being respectful. If they insist, I would ask why, and maybe I would tag along etc... Do not do this, if you cannot fully be there but it causes more anxiety for yourself. If you can view it as a way to learn about others, then go. But don't, if you can't.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,850 Posts
I don't know that people hate me but I've never really been part of the in crowd. Or when in a group of people, I tend to be left out or ignored. Part of that is because I speak to quietly and passively I think. Also, i have a hard time faking my emotions. I can't pretend to get all excited about something that really doesn't interest me. I don't like to use a whole bunch of words when I talk. I say what I want to say and that is it. Not going to make a huge story about soemthing that isn't that big. I find my attention span is short for people who talk a lot. To me, it seems like they are tooting their own horn half the time of full of themselves. Why does someone feel the need to go on and on about something. If you are really doing it because that is who you are or your nature, you don't need to tell everyone or go on forever and make sure everybody hears you. Just comes across as a fake and people can see that in my face as I don't hide what I'm feeling or thinking well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,947 Posts
As someone who sometimes gets on the other side of the flake out thing, I can say speaking for myself, I don't get too worked up about it. But people invite themselves to ski with me. If they bail the next morning because they are hung over, I lose a little respect for them as a skier. And if it becomes a pattern, I will avoid letting that person become a partner until I've seen some proof that they won't bail on me again.

Some people who don't like me find me opinionated and boorish. In most cases, it's just my lame attempts at facetious humor, which they take way too seriously or completely misunderstand in the first place. Oh well. If I haven't figured out when not to make snide comments by this age, it probably ain't going to happen. Others I'm not sure of. There is this dude who used to hang out in the ski community who started going around telling everybody he could find vicious lies about me--things he said I did and said to him on the mountain that would be completely out of character for me and that I honestly have never even cared about. Thing is, I am absolutely certain I never even met the guy. How he knew my name and why he felt the need to go to the trouble of flaming me in public I guess I will never know. But since I don't even know his name or what he looks like, I'm not going to worry about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
*shrugs*

I think I can become very withdrawn - and very quickly - especially if I've been internalising all my anxieties. My parents think I can be very unfocussed, and I can be, especially if the project does not ""inspire"" me. And I can forget "unimportant" things very easily. I try to improve.

-

It must be said, that as a type that's particularly hard on ourselves, we shouldn't take ALL of these comments to heart. We gotta distinguish what we should change and what we shouldn't. *haters gon hate, bish*
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
50 Posts
We'll thats cuz your type does nothing but disrespect ur self deal with it that everyone hates ur pathetic *** n grow a spine for a change or suicide ppl love to hate weaklings who lack self respect
Also, infps are hated cuz of how they portray in pop culture like Bella swan classic definite infp she's such an infp she's a dumb unrealistic pathetic beta girl who can't do anything yeah fuckin beta girl ugh so that's how ppl see you infp that's the truth, a Bella swan cuz she is the classic infp
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
What people don't understand is that I attack character faults, not the actual person. I do this to everyone, including myself, but since everyone thinks that I wouldn't do it to them and think we're "friends" they're sorely mistaken. If I see one of their faults, I insult it. They take offense and call me an asshole. I don't hate them. I just saw a fault and commented, maybe made a joke out of it, yet I guess I'm just a terrible person. Anyway, that's what people dislike about me. Most of my loved ones and select few friends know enough about me that they don't let my quirks get to them.
Completely understandable that people would be offended. You're not criticizing their performance in an objectively measurable and quantifiable way (Te), you're criticizing facets of their personal character with a purely subjective and highly irrational judging function.

In response to the OP, I suppose what can annoy people about me is my complete absence of Fe coupled with frequent Te usage, which can make me appear quite unsociable. And it doesn't help that I can be too absorbed in my intuitive interests to be interested in people, and have a tendency to eschew social contact in favor of learning about something that's intrigued my Ne.

When it comes to responsibilities I'm definitely a bit on the lazy side, and can be prone to procrastination, but thankfully I have no problem turning down people's plans and not allowing myself to be pressured by them. In making and carrying out personal goals and plans I'm actually quite focused, but yeah, I'm not that great when it comes to responsibilities.
 
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Top