Personality Cafe banner

1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,822 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
This might seem silly of me to ask, and it might be. Hear me out, please, so I can possibly successfully explain why this is such a big deal to me.

An old friend and I had a falling out a few months back. Long story short, he'd been disrespectful to a mutual friend and insisted I'd been bad mouthing him to her. But in my opinion I hadn't said anything I didn't think was true. If I push someone over (not what happened, but as an example,) I wouldn't expect people to say "She was justified. It's okay to push people sometimes when you're having a bad day." I'd expect them to be like "she was wrong. She's going through things but shouldn't have taken that out on you. Try to take some space from them." I feel like that's ALL I said about this guy friend, and he believes I stabbed him in the back. Moving forward,

Since then he hasn't spoken to me. I tried to reach out once and was met with more "You were wrong. Leave me alone." Well, today I saw an opportunity to piss them off. And I took it. Which is very, very much unlike me.

Generally if I'm not the nicest to someone, all that means is that I'm calling them out on things they've done that I don't think are okay. And if they pick a fight with me, I have a habit of telling them off which at that point isn't criticism, but me full on belittling them. But today, they were just minding their own business. And I felt something I can't explain right now which fully compelled me to go out of my way and fuck with them. I always thought I was bigger than that.

Worst part is, I can't say I wouldn't do it again. This is rare for me, but if I did it once in the heat of the moment, I'm not sure what would prevent me in the future. It's fair to suggest my emotions are strong and I have a hard time not listening to them. I've just never before had them steer me in such a petty direction. I'm still angry with them thus I don't even want to apologize, unfortunately.

Maybe it'd help to mention that before we started arguing, I at least thought we were really close. And I think it's safe to say it did hurt me in some form that they started acting this way. Still, I've been hurt in the past and have never acted this way as a result.

Thank you in advance.
 

·
Registered
INFJ 1w9 so/sx
Joined
·
200 Posts
To bounce off Inver it seems you just want connection with your friend and if they're refusing you their friendship making them an enemy is a stronger link than an ambiguous falling out which can be emotionally catastrophic.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,822 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
To bounce off Inver it seems you just want connection with your friend and if they're refusing you their friendship making them an enemy is a stronger link than an ambiguous falling out which can be emotionally catastrophic.
This is interesting. I'll have to give it thought but that's a possibility I hadn't considered.

I feel really shitty about it. But hopefully, if I ever start to feel like doing that again when I'm mad, I'll think back on this experience and realize I'll regret it later. I'll just accept it at this time as, I was super pissed and possibly lonely, too. And I'm not just turning into Satan's mom-dad hybrid.

Thanks for taking the time to help. <3
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
962 Posts
@Taco Bella sounds like you had an "Fi explosion." This can happen when emotions get buried and/or unresolved. While blowing up at them was probably not the best option, it was important that you communicated with them.

Perhaps, in the future, when you start feeling these frustrating feelings towards your friends or someone else, you can calmly talk to them about how you feel. Tell them you need to talk to them, and open up to them. I recognize that this makes you vulnerable and can be uncomfortable, but sometimes, sharing feelings with someone can shed light on your side. They may have had no idea how you felt, and if you share feelings without blowing up on someone or accusing them of something, they'll be more likely to think "Wow, I had no idea she felt so strongly about this/that she felt that way." instead of thinking "WTF is her problem!? What a moody little
b**¢h!"

I feel really shitty about it. But hopefully, if I ever start to feel like doing that again when I'm mad, I'll think back on this experience and realize I'll regret it later. I'll just accept it at this time as, I was super pissed and possibly lonely, too. And I'm not just turning into Satan's mom-dad hybrid.
You aren't a horrible person for blowing up at your friends—you're human, and we all make mistakes. Use this as a learning opportunity to avoid blowing up at people in the future (which it sounds like you are already doing).

Maybe you could even channel some anger out in poetry, music, or art—some ISFP's I know say that really helps them.

Also important to note is that most conflicts stem from misunderstandings—communication is key in helping to prevent them and to resolving them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,822 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
@Taco Bella sounds like you had an "Fi explosion." This can happen when emotions get buried and/or unresolved. While blowing up at them was probably not the best option, it was important that you communicated with them.

Perhaps, in the future, when you start feeling these frustrating feelings towards your friends or someone else, you can calmly talk to them about how you feel. Tell them you need to talk to them, and open up to them. I recognize that this makes you vulnerable and can be uncomfortable, but sometimes, sharing feelings with someone can shed light on your side. They may have had no idea how you felt, and if you share feelings without blowing up on someone or accusing them of something, they'll be more likely to think "Wow, I had no idea she felt so strongly about this/that she felt that way." instead of thinking "WTF is her problem!? What a moody little
b**¢h!"



You aren't a horrible person for blowing up at your friends—you're human, and we all make mistakes. Use this as a learning opportunity to avoid blowing up at people in the future (which it sounds like you are already doing).

Maybe you could even channel some anger out in poetry, music, or art—some ISFP's I know say that really helps them.

Also important to note is that most conflicts stem from misunderstandings—communication is key in helping to prevent them and to resolving them.
I'd tried communicating with this person and they wouldn't allow it, which I'll go ahead and assume is part of why I lashed out the way I did. They simply dropped me from their life. I definitely felt powerless and riling them up gave me a false sense of control. Thank you because I wasn't thinking this deeply about my actions before, in regards to why I did it.

But yes, I do feel trying to communicate should always be the first idea. And what I did shouldn't be a chosen idea in the first place. In the back of my head, I want to do even more damage. But I won't for the fact that, again, I know what'll happen and I know it's just me being sad/mad.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
962 Posts
I'd tried communicating with this person and they wouldn't allow it, which I'll go ahead and assume is part of why I lashed out the way I did. They simply dropped me from their life. I definitely felt powerless and riling them up gave me a false sense of control. Thank you because I wasn't thinking this deeply about my actions before, in regards to why I did it.

But yes, I do feel trying to communicate should always be the first idea. And what I did shouldn't be a chosen idea in the first place. In the back of my head, I want to do even more damage. But I won't for the fact that, again, I know what'll happen and I know it's just me being sad/mad.
So maybe this is just manipulative behavior, but sometimes, if I need to say something to someone (and it's not the kind of thing that can wait until a better time to say), I'll just say "Look, I need to talk to you, and if you care anything about our friendship, you'll hear me out. Just humor me for a minute, please." or "How can I apologize to you if you never give me the chance to speak to you?!"

Some people might call that overly dramatic, but sometimes, I don't care. Sometimes you've gotta say what you've gotta say, and people need to know how important it is to you to hear you out. This does tick some people off, so be extremely cautious, because there's a fine line between what's acceptable and what isn't. But if it's a relationship I care about and there's been a misunderstanding, I fight to save it, and sometimes, you have to take a risk. If I can help it, I'm not gonna let a friend's stubbornness destroy our friendship—not without fighting to preserve the friendship.

But that's just me—I've never made not listening to me an option. I recognize that it's a fault, but since I was a child I didn't hold back when it was something I emotionally needed, and I'd explain to whoever I was talking to that it was something I needed to do for my own emotional health. Most people seemed to understand and would hear me out at that point. I did anything and everything it took to be heard, and it usually paid off for me.

Don't let someone shut you down—after all, the squeaky wheel gets the oil.
 

·
Registered
INFJ
Joined
·
11,607 Posts
Some people just don´t EVER speak about friends or others behind their back, even if it´s important. They think it is morally right, and they despise those who do or did that about themselves.

I think, you did nothing wrong, I can snap too sometimes, just out of self defense. And I know Fi-Explosions way too good. It is simply necessary to cause a cleaning thunderstorm, so that all speak what they really think, and after that it is either better or worse.

If that "friend" is treating you in this way, it is a clear sign, that he has another view on this matter than you, and he has obviously made his decision.

Old friends can sometimes just drift apart, not always, but sometimes. I hope you find friends which will be old friends too someday, but better fitting to you :)

And, the other members here gave you already really good answers and advises.

So, put on your sunglasses, and go forward!

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
150 Posts
Maybe you exhausted anything good to say or do towards your friend but subconsciously still wanted to be involved so you interacted with him but all that was left to work with is petty spite. Maybe that's just a guise. That might be completely off, because for a lot of people it's just very satisfying to cause trouble.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,822 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 · (Edited)
Maybe you exhausted anything good to say or do towards your friend but subconsciously still wanted to be involved so you interacted with him but all that was left to work with is petty spite. Maybe that's just a guise. That might be completely off, because for a lot of people it's just very satisfying to cause trouble.
It was momentarily satisfying, I won't lie. But I immediately regretted it once I fully grasped what I had done. Sometimes I get the urge to start fights with people since I know it'll be exciting, but I don't. In his case, I know it was definitely out of anger . Thank you, again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,216 Posts
You felt as if the other person was being spiteful. You felt you did not deserve the accusation of betrayal. And so you in response balanced the scales with spiteful action that was not deserved by them. This is nothing more than vengeance and or balancing the scales. It is indeed immature and you recognize it as such. You know what you have to do.

You have to recognize when that mood strikes you, feel it happening, and STOP yourself from taking the vengeance. Be very careful. The system backup from this effort can be like those people that stop themselves from sneezing. Your brain can explode. Do not do that. The trick is realizing that you are successfully owning yourself. You will not let anger unbalance you. You desire the calm that comes from forgiveness. You fear the you you will become if you give in to the vengeance. That is the right way to balance the emotive forces within you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,248 Posts
A couple of things occur to me.

First, in a way, it sounds like your friend essentially betrayed you by accusing you of betraying him. You behaved in character for yourself, and he chose to interpret that as a personal attack, even though he has probably known you for long enough to objectively know that you intended him no harm. So not only did he lash back at you, but he dismissed your long history of closeness.

Second, at least personally, I hate not having an opportunity to express my point of view more than I hate someone being angry at me. When I'm being "silenced" by someone, my inclination is to reach out and interfere in their life so as to create open communication. I don't fully grasp why it's such a powerful force, but I think it is a manifestation of the desire I have to repair the bond paired with some personal claustrophobia and impatience. It is definitely something I have had to restrain over the course of my life. My husband joked the other day to my brother's girlfriend that she has to be careful with us because we "chase people down" when we care about them. We actively re-engage them. I have mixed feelings about it... it can be powerfully bad but also powerfully good, a sort of "I will always love you no matter what and I am not giving up on you" expression. It has to be wielded with caution.

Overall, it sounds like you are still hurt by his misinterpretation, but ironically at this point your frustration at him thinking you would hurt him is resulting in you hurting him. So I guess it sucks but it would be worth it to just tell him you're sorry about how it all got out of hand, that you behaved stupidly, and all you still want is to be close with him. He probably knows he behaved like a jackass in the beginning, anyway.
 
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Top