[Crystall]

(Also posted this in the ISTP forum, we all know how much those guys love to talk about relationship problems...)

My ISTP boyfriend's ex keeps sniffing around and he won't tell her to bugger off. I'd tell her off myself, but he doesn't want me "to be mean to her" and I don't feel that it's my place anyway (plus I hate having enemies).
I know she's still into him, because she told him she wanted to see him a few months ago and do things that "your girlfriend wouldn't like " and still sends him flirtatious messages.
He says he's told her nicely that it isn't going to happen because he's with me now and that he's not the guy for her, but she clearly hasn't gotten the picture. He also says that they're friends, that she's nice and that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. But he won't even write back that he's with his girlfriend when she asks what he's doing!
They only dated shortly and it was years ago. I don't really feel threatened by her, I know it's me he wants, I just want him to stand up to her and any other girls prowling my territory who will undoubtedly show up in the future. We've had a few fights over this and he knows that it bothers me a lot. I feel really hurt that he won't tell her to back off once and for all.

Am I way off base here for wanting him to tell his "friend" to get lost? What should I do? :sad:

 

[sofort99]

I'm torn between ISTPs hate conflict and drama and will do almost anything to avoid it, and how do you know he's an ISTP? Usually we would have bluntly told her to get lost by now.

 

[OctoberSkye]

And this is why I don't stay friends with exes. Drama. If I was him, I would be thinking of it like this, "What makes her worth the trouble?" or "Why do I need her in my life?" Short answer: He doesn't. Since the straight-forward approach didn't work, I'd just act like she didn't exist and stop responding to her.

So no, I don't think you're off base, but there's really nothing you can or should have to do. A girl like that is going to be thrilled knowing she bothers you. It's up to your bf to do something.

 

[ForsakenMe]

I'll have to have some details. How long have you and your boyfriend have been dating? You also said they dated "shortly" years ago... How long did they dated for? Were they each others "first loves" or something?

I've been through this before. What I did was just tell my boyfriend at the time the truth; That his ex bothers me, and that his ex even told me herself that she was jealous of our relationship, and I don't play like that. So he understood and told her to stop contacting him.

You're going to have to go up to your boyfriend, and calmly explain that she bugs you and that while you're not one to believe in friendships ending JUST because two people are dating, that his ex is clearly overstepping her boundaries as a friend and she needs to go, for the relationship's sake.

Good luck.

 

[Crystall]

@ sofort99 I know he's an istp for sure. I typed him months ago and most of the stuff is dead on. Introversion, thrill seeking, feeling suppressing, etc. Could be fear of confrontation, but what about his confrontations with me about it!?

@ OctoberSkye: I've tried to ignore it before but I can't anymore, it bothers me too much...

@ ForsakenMe: they dated for a few months about 4-5 years ago but it just sort of ran out into he sand from what he said. Definitely not a first love as he said he's never been in love before, nor a very close friendship from what i understand. She seems to have become chummy ever since she became single again a few months ago and ran directly to him.
He and I met last summer and had a long distance thing for about 10 months only seeing each other 6 week in between. Now we've been together almost every day for about 4 months.
And I have told him that it bothers me several times. I'm at the point right now where I just want to scream at him for making me feel like he's choosing her over me...

 

[G0dzuki]

Even better question would be, why won't you tell him to get lost? I personally would not put up with that. If my lover avoided making it clear or kept talking to that person or whatever for that long, that would say to me that there may still be something there. Not saying he is cheating. But I myself have no problem being rude if that is what it takes, if I really want them to leave me alone.

 

[ForsakenMe]

@ ForsakenMe: they dated for a few months about 4-5 years ago but it just sort of ran out into he sand from what he said. Definitely not a first love as he said he's never been in love before, nor a very close friendship from what i understand. She seems to have become chummy ever since she became single again a few months ago and ran directly to him.
He and I met last summer and had a long distance thing for about 10 months only seeing each other 6 week in between. Now we've been together almost every day for about 4 months.
And I have told him that it bothers me several times. I'm at the point right now where I just want to scream at him for making me feel like he's choosing her over me...

How did you tell him, though? Sometimes guys are extremely clueless when it comes to our feelings... You have to be extra crystal clear with your feelings when it comes to these things...

However, if you were clear with him, and he still insists he wants to talk to her, it sounds to me that they may be "making up" and talking about getting back together in the distant future behind your back.

Sorry. Bad things to happen to good people, I'm afraid. :sad: I would talk to him one last time, and if he still insists, I think it's time to pack your bags and leave the relationship.

 

[OctoberSkye]

I'm just as confused as you are as to why he won't tell her to get lost. Doesn't want to hurt her? Please. :dry: I'm not suggesting you ignore it, I know I couldn't. But, since you've let him know how you feel, what's left? Ultimatums are sucky, but it's either that or find a way to live with having a boyfriend who doesn't understand your feelings. I say understand instead of respect, because I'm thinking he may just not understand why it's such a big deal to you. Maybe if he was able to look at it in reverse, like how he would feel if you had an ex-bf acting like that girl.

 

[viva]

This sounds EXACTLY, EXACTLY, EXACTLY like a situation I had with my ISTP ex.

It's endlessly frustrating and it was never resolved. You always feel like there's more to it than him simply "not wanting to hurt her feelings." My ISTP ex was, in general, always endlessly nice to his exes and it bugged the shit out of me. You'd think they would realize how much it hurts us, but they don't.

 

[Antithesis]

This sounds EXACTLY, EXACTLY, EXACTLY like a situation I had with my ISTP ex.

It's endlessly frustrating and it was never resolved. You always feel like there's more to it than him simply "not wanting to hurt her feelings." My ISTP ex was, in general, always endlessly nice to his exes and it bugged the shit out of me. You'd think they would realize how much it hurts us, but they don't.

It might be different as a girl, but I kind of get where this guy is coming from... personally, I don't like my ex very much. I don't hate him, I just find him annoying and a bit of a pain. I wouldn't hugely mind if we never spoke again, since usually all he does is pester me for sex. I don't feel any attachment to him because we had sex. But I hate to close doors, I'm a P (so's he). I see this guy: he's attractive, popular, intelligent. He'll do well in life and we have a couple of mutual acquaintances. I could easily run into him again in the future, and I don't want to have made an enemy where it isn't completely necessary, if that makes sense. Although I know that's dumb.

In this case, it sounds to me like you need to make an ultimatum, but I hope this gave you some perspective on maybe WHY he can't close the door on her so easily.

 

[DarklyValentine]

is it cos he is an idiot
deluded
deranged
foaming of the gob
likes to be loved
likes a safe anchor point
all of the above? I bet its all of the above

enemies, meh, thats what the bone liquidiser is for

Dreamy mcfumbles keeps the blades blunt like their skulls

 

[vel]

The answer is that he is acting selfishly. It should be evident to anyone who has a gain of reason and common sense in them that keeping in frequent touch with your ex, receiving/sending flirtatious messages from her, not mentioning your current girlfriend to your ex, will basically hurt feelings of your present girlfriend. He is keeping an option open for himself at expense of your feelings and at expense of putting you into insecure position. Somewhere deep inside the subconscious of the animal part of that male brain of his it pleases him to have more females around than one.

Explain your feelings for him, be clear that his behavior is making you feel bad. If he doesn't respond, sorry, but it shows that he has no consideration of your feelings and this is a bad foundation for any lasting relationship.

 

[Jojo]

Even better question would be, why won't you tell him to get lost? I personally would not put up with that. If my lover avoided making it clear or kept talking to that person or whatever for that long, that would say to me that there may still be something there. Not saying he is cheating. But I myself have no problem being rude if that is what it takes, if I really want them to leave me alone.

I agree. I think he is to blame just as well here. He is allowing the controversy to happen.I don't think you are out of bounds but, I think there are deeper issues for the future.

 

[Andrewfromthebay]

(Also posted this in the ISTP forum, we all know how much those guys love to talk about relationship problems...)

My ISTP boyfriend's ex keeps sniffing around and he won't tell her to bugger off. I'd tell her off myself, but he doesn't want me "to be mean to her" and I don't feel that it's my place anyway (plus I hate having enemies).
I know she's still into him, because she told him she wanted to see him a few months ago and do things that "your girlfriend wouldn't like " and still sends him flirtatious messages.
He says he's told her nicely that it isn't going to happen because he's with me now and that he's not the guy for her, but she clearly hasn't gotten the picture. He also says that they're friends, that she's nice and that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. But he won't even write back that he's with his girlfriend when she asks what he's doing!
They only dated shortly and it was years ago. I don't really feel threatened by her, I know it's me he wants, I just want him to stand up to her and any other girls prowling my territory who will undoubtedly show up in the future. We've had a few fights over this and he knows that it bothers me a lot. I feel really hurt that he won't tell her to back off once and for all.

Am I way off base here for wanting him to tell his "friend" to get lost? What should I do? :sad:

You have a weak boyfriend who cares more about the feelings of his ex girlfriend than you, plain and simple. The fact that you have told him that it bothers you that he won't tell her to get lost, yet he ignores your feelings and keeps talking to her, indicates that he is weak and cares more about his ex girlfriend. I am sorry to say this, but you are with a very weak man. Either you can accept that he is a weak person and deal with this or leave him. You could give him an ultimatum but it seems kid of silly at this point, he's already shown you who the most important girl in his life is. I think the plain fact that you would resort to giving him an ultimatum about this issue indicates that he does not value your relationsip as much as he values his realtionship with his ex. This is clearly unnaceptable, weak, and hurtful behavior. He is supposed to be your man, yet he is much more concerned about this old ex-girlfriend and her feelings. Some here have told you to tell her yourself to get lost, this is horrible advice. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO TELL HER TO GET LOST, it is his. You have asked him to do it, and he refuses to do it, ignoring a perfectly acceptable request from you. This indicates he puts her feelings above yours. Why would you want to be with a man who obviously cares more about his ex's feelings than yours?! In fact, he should have told her to get lost without your request at the begining of the relationship. He obviously does not want his ex gone from his life, and he puts her feelings above yours. You have to accept this, and then figure out whether or not you want to keep a weak man who cares more about his ex, or leave him. I can't think of any other alternative.

 

[Filo]

When I break up, I do so for a reason. Hence, I do not desire contact with my exes. I think it is fair that you demand he chooses between you and his ex. She is going too far with him. And if he breaks up with you over that, well, good riddance, bad garbage.

My current SO has a very warm relationship with her ex, but I know neither of them wants to be back together. As such, I'm okay with it. (Besides, if she were to pick him over me, well, again, good riddance).

 

[pinkrasputin]

Quite honestly if he isn't getting it by me telling him directly, I'll play chicken. It's way too easy to have several of my ex's in current contact. So I use ostensive definition. I show by example how it feels. And he will usually lose it if I'm talking to an ex. But honestly, it is a game and is anybody really worth playing games? That's for you to decide.

I think us ENFPs are funny. Someone hurts us and instead of taking an action, we want to understand why they are doing that to us. We don't want to make a judgment too quickly. Lol. Even your title is so ENFP "Why won't he tell his ex...". Instead of "How should I tell him to get lost?" or "What Should I do". It's sort of like we need to justify it before we get angry.

I hate his ex for you, if that is okay. She is showing a blatant disrespect for you as a girlfriend. I don't go prowling around my ex's if they a new girlfriend. Even if we do speak or talk later, I am very respectful of the other current woman who should come first in his life. Unfortunately, I don't think it's wise to be overly emotional about it. You don't want to be confused for being jealous. And who knows? Maybe he himself is threatened and is trying to make you jealous. Don't let it work.

How long are you planning on being with this guy? Do you think he will do something like this if you two ever get married? Wouldn't it be a pain if he kept his ex's around after you guys get married? Grrr.. how frustrating. He needs to learn how to build a hedge. Wtf? She is sending him flirtatious messages. How the hell is that supposed to make you feel? I wouldn't tolerate it. Try not to be so understanding of his neglectfulness. Okay my fellow ENFP?

I feel this way, because I really believe you and validate you that you know she is still into him. Us ENFPs can spot things like that right away and it can be so frustrating when our current guy can't see it. It's not jealousy, we just know.....

 

[Crystall]

You have a weak boyfriend who cares more about the feelings of his ex girlfriend than you, plain and simple. The fact that you have told him that it bothers you that he won't tell her to get lost, yet he ignores your feelings and keeps talking to her, indicates that he is weak and cares more about his ex girlfriend. I am sorry to say this, but you are with a very weak man. Either you can accept that he is a weak person and deal with this or leave him. You could give him an ultimatum but it seems kid of silly at this point, he's already shown you who the most important girl in his life is. I think the plain fact that you would resort to giving him an ultimatum about this issue indicates that he does not value your relationsip as much as he values his realtionship with his ex. This is clearly unnaceptable, weak, and hurtful behavior. He is supposed to be your man, yet he is much more concerned about this old ex-girlfriend and her feelings. Some here have told you to tell her yourself to get lost, this is horrible advice. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO TELL HER TO GET LOST, it is his. You have asked him to do it, and he refuses to do it, ignoring a perfectly acceptable request from you. This indicates he puts her feelings above yours. Why would you want to be with a man who obviously cares more about his ex's feelings than yours?! In fact, he should have told her to get lost without your request at the begining of the relationship. He obviously does not want his ex gone from his life, and he puts her feelings above yours. You have to accept this, and then figure out whether or not you want to keep a weak man who cares more about his ex, or leave him. I can't think of any other alternative.

Wow harsh!! I know that he doesn't put her feelings ahead of mine. To him, he felt he had made it clear to her that it wasn't going to happen, and me telling him to get rid of her made him feel like I was trying to control him,

Quite honestly if he isn't getting it by me telling him directly, I'll play chicken. It's way too easy to have several of my ex's in current contact. So I use ostensive definition. I show by example how it feels. And he will usually lose it if I'm talking to an ex. But honestly, it is a game and is anybody really worth playing games? That's for you to decide.

I think us ENFPs are funny. Someone hurts us and instead of taking an action, we want to understand why they are doing that to us. We don't want to make a judgment too quickly. Lol. Even your title is so ENFP "Why won't he tell his ex...". Instead of "How should I tell him to get lost?" or "What Should I do". It's sort of like we need to justify it before we get angry.

I hate his ex for you, if that is okay. She is showing a blatant disrespect for you as a girlfriend. I don't go prowling around my ex's if they a new girlfriend. Even if we do speak or talk later, I am very respectful of the other current woman who should come first in his life. Unfortunately, I don't think it's wise to be overly emotional about it. You don't want to be confused for being jealous. And who knows? Maybe he himself is threatened and is trying to make you jealous. Don't let it work.

How long are you planning on being with this guy? Do you think he will do something like this if you two ever get married? Wouldn't it be a pain if he kept his ex's around after you guys get married? Grrr.. how frustrating. He needs to learn how to build a hedge. Wtf? She is sending him flirtatious messages. How the hell is that supposed to make you feel? I wouldn't tolerate it. Try not to be so understanding of his neglectfulness. Okay my fellow ENFP?

I feel this way, because I really believe you and validate you that you know she is still into him. Us ENFPs can spot things like that right away and it can be so frustrating when our current guy can't see it. It's not jealousy, we just know.....

Pink, thank you! As usual I love reading your posts. I'm really serious about this guy, in fact I've never been this serious before. I absolutely adore the ground that strong silent man walks on, which is why the constant stream of other women flirting with him or giving him looks makes me so crazy. I'm in it to win it and I wouldn't be with him unless I thought we could have a shot at forever. We were apart for 10 months out of the first year before our relationship even got to begin, and neither of us dated anyone else in that time. I doubt that he would stray now that he finally has me, but when it comes to matters of the heart I sometimes loose all sense of logic and reason.

I do know with every fiber in my body that she is still into him. I see it in every message she sends to him and it annoys me. He didn't seem to see it, and he did seem to think that he had dealt with her wanting him back, but I told him that she isn't over it. He chose his words poorly when he told her that he wasn't interested by saying that he was 'with Crystal now' which is like catnip for bimbos. Saying 'I'm with someone else now' leaves the door open for her to insert 'but I might not be forever and then the door will be open for you' which is what I'm sure is what she heard, even though he told me that if we broke up he still wouldn't be interested in her again.

I'm really not much for playing games, but I did ask him how he would feel about me getting flirtatious messages and such from my exes, and he reluctantly admitted that maybe it might bother him a little.

The main thing turned out to be that he felt like I was trying to control him by telling him what to write back when she texted him and that I finally threw a fit and told him to cut her out completely or go to hell. Apparently his exes in the past were very controlling (as well as both of his parents).

Anyways we had a long talk about it and I reminded him that I've never tried to control him before, that I've always supported him, and I explained that this wasn't about me trying to control him but about me lashing out because of feeling like he was taking me for granted, and that it only hurt so much because he means so much to me, and the thought of loosing him makes me loose my mind. He seemed to understand how much it bothers me and that I felt like he didn't want to stand up for our relationship, and he said that next time she messages him he will tell her to stop.

 

[Neon Knight]

(Also posted this in the ISTP forum, we all know how much those guys love to talk about relationship problems...)

My ISTP boyfriend's ex keeps sniffing around and he won't tell her to bugger off...We've had a few fights over this and he knows that it bothers me a lot. I feel really hurt that he won't tell her to back off once and for all.

Am I way off base here for wanting him to tell his "friend" to get lost? What should I do? :sad:

No you're not off base. Put it this way...he'd rather hurt your feelings and not hurt his ex's feelings? Confront him with that question or drop him and find someone who cares about you more than their short-term ex.

 

[ENTrePenuer]

(Also posted this in the ISTP forum, we all know how much those guys love to talk about relationship problems...)

My ISTP boyfriend's ex keeps sniffing around and he won't tell her to bugger off. I'd tell her off myself, but he doesn't want me "to be mean to her" and I don't feel that it's my place anyway (plus I hate having enemies).
I know she's still into him, because she told him she wanted to see him a few months ago and do things that "your girlfriend wouldn't like " and still sends him flirtatious messages.
He says he's told her nicely that it isn't going to happen because he's with me now and that he's not the guy for her, but she clearly hasn't gotten the picture. He also says that they're friends, that she's nice and that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. But he won't even write back that he's with his girlfriend when she asks what he's doing!
They only dated shortly and it was years ago. I don't really feel threatened by her, I know it's me he wants, I just want him to stand up to her and any other girls prowling my territory who will undoubtedly show up in the future. We've had a few fights over this and he knows that it bothers me a lot. I feel really hurt that he won't tell her to back off once and for all.

Am I way off base here for wanting him to tell his "friend" to get lost? What should I do? :sad:

he needs a backup. and clearly he still likes her.

 

[ENTrePenuer]

it pleases him to have more females around than one.

.

What's wrong with that?

She should learn to put her insecurities aside.