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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I had what I thought was this really close friend; for several years. We confided in each other and shared common experiences. It was my experience that we were getting along really well. I mean like most good friends; we would have the occasional disagreement, but then, who doesn't?

I was probably being an idiot for believing this but I sincerely believed that the bonds of true friendship that united us could weather any mild storms - especially when I am not even aware of their existence!

Well, last night this friend left me a voicemail; informing me that she no longer wished to be saddled with my friendship because she thought that I was somehow cramping her style - or words to that effect.

:shocked:


I don't even have a clue as to how I have done anything to stifle her freedom to be herself in anyway, shape or from - nor would I ever ever ever ask - let alone expect that of anyone. As far as I'm concerned; as long as the other person respects my boundaries, I'm good.

So, I am kind of freaking out right now because not only doesn't it make a damn bit of sense; the person didn't even have the consideration and respect for me and/or our friendship to even bother discussing it with me first.

I would never do something like that - end any kind of relationship without giving the other person a fair chance, because it just isn't fair or right not to; so I really don't know what to think right now.

:crying:
 

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I am so sorry. It hurts to lose a friend, especially when you're not given the courtesy of closure. It seems odd, though, that somebody of our -ahem- maturity level would behave so immaturely. What a juvenile way to end things with you.
 

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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter #4 (Edited)
I am so sorry. It hurts to lose a friend, especially when you're not given the courtesy of closure. It seems odd, though, that somebody of our -ahem- maturity level would behave so immaturely. What a juvenile way to end things with you.
Yeah and I had absolutely no idea that in her wildest nightmares; she was even conceiving of such a thing. She never told me that she was upset with me about anything and if she had; I would have been more than willing to discuss it. I value my friends' happiness as I do my own, and I would have wanted to do whatever I needed to - with in reason, of course - to work things out with her.

:frustrating:


You friend is an INFJ isnt she? You just got INFJ doorslammed didnt you?
Uh what?
 

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I had that from 3 unrelated friends when growing up. One of them was my best friend for 8 years, and we had so much fun and did everything together. But she suddenly turned on me at around 14 or 15 and sent me hatemail and everything.

We didn't go to the same school, and I think maybe she was being mocked by people there, or by her horrible sister for being childish, and then she decided to blame me for that.

I had to phone her and ask her did she actually send the hatemail because I couldn't believe it. She laughed at me on the phone.

Months later she apologised, and I tried to forgive her. But she was doing that bitch thing where they team up with a new friend and make fun of the old. So I politely told her that it wasn't working out, and she sent more hate, and then I blocked her and we never spoke again. That was over 10 years ago, and I think I took a lot of damage from that.


So, I am kind of freaking out right now because not only doesn't it make a damn bit of sense; the person didn't even have the consideration and respect for me and/or our friendship to even bother discussing it with me first.

I would never do something like that - end any kind of relationship without giving the other person a fair chance, because it just isn't fair or right not to; so I really don't know what to think right now.

:crying:
You're right. It isn't fair or right. But some people just suck. Or they have their own issues, but that's still not much of an excuse, especially if they are truthfully unapologetic about it.

What you need to think is that she's a bad person and not worth your time. Or you could throw some water balloons at her, that's legal right? :cool:
 

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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter #7
I had that from 3 unrelated friends when growing up. One of them was my best friend for 8 years, and we had so much fun and did everything together. But she suddenly turned on me at around 14 or 15 and sent me hatemail and everything.

We didn't go to the same school, and I think maybe she was being mocked by people there, or by her horrible sister for being childish, and then she decided to blame me for that.

I had to phone her and ask her did she actually send the hatemail because I couldn't believe it. She laughed at me on the phone.

Months later she apologised, and I tried to forgive her. But she was doing that bitch thing where they team up with a new friend and make fun of the old. So I politely told her that it wasn't working out, and she sent more hate, and then I blocked her and we never spoke again. That was over 10 years ago, and I think I took a lot of damage from that.




You're right. It isn't fair or right. But some people just suck. Or they have their own issues, but that's still not much of an excuse, especially if they are truthfully unapologetic about it.

What you need to think is that she's a bad person and not worth your time. Or you could throw some water balloons at her, that's legal right? :cool:
No, I don't think that she is a "bad person"; although obviously what she did to me was. In fact, I so admired her ethical stances on things; that she was possibly then last person on earth; that I ever thought could be capable of such hurtful behaviour. Well obviously, anyone who doesn't either respect themselves or me enough to conduct such a situation, without even a modicum of consideration for the other person's feelings; isn't worth my time but that unfortunately doesn't really make me feel any better. All it does, is cause me to question my judgments about other people. My late narcissistic mother would probably be having a field day over this; since she did her damndest to get me to doubt my perceptions about others.
 

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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter #9
You could accept that something has caused her to feel that way even if you can't understand it.
Well, I feel a lot of things too, but that doesn't stop me from treating my friends with respect.

And I would be more than understanding - had she had the trust in me to actually talk to me about it.
 

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I suspect that whatever is going on is HER issue, not yours. However, that doesn't minimize the hurt and betrayal you feel. Whatever her issue is, it must have her really self-absorbed if she isn't aware of the effect of her actions on you. I am guilty of that sometimes despite my Fe, especially when under a lot of stress or withdrawn into my head because I'm wrestling with something.
 

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An INFJ can drop someone and completely stop all forms of contact if they dont see them fitting into their lives. Sometimes from Ni induced paranoia.

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It is difficult to think an INFJ would be so callous and uncaring. There are countless reasons - real life reasons. Immaturity is one, hurt feelings is another. No such thing as Ni in the real world - that is just a symbol related to a concept- and thus no reason for a wilful act.
 

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Sadly I have been the receiver of such avoidance twice. All too often it says more about where a person is in their life right now, how they perceive themselves with comparative estimations of self acceptance and to some degree just how much investment they feel a friendship is worth; in my case 1 felt 'overcrowded' from socialising in person 1-2 times a week or even maintaining text contact, and the other I later forgave felt deep and close friendship was too much for them as the social YOLO type not ready to mature fully.

Also noticing how maturing faster than even a closer friend can alarming for some and how life aspirations can create disparities in our Peter Pan culture of 'why do or learn such and such now when I need more time to screw up having more fun'.
 

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No, I don't think that she is a "bad person"; although obviously what she did to me was. In fact, I so admired her ethical stances on things; that she was possibly then last person on earth; that I ever thought could be capable of such hurtful behaviour. Well obviously, anyone who doesn't either respect themselves or me enough to conduct such a situation, without even a modicum of consideration for the other person's feelings; isn't worth my time but that unfortunately doesn't really make me feel any better. All it does, is cause me to question my judgments about other people. My late narcissistic mother would probably be having a field day over this; since she did her damndest to get me to doubt my perceptions about others.
I said bad because I didn't want to say crappy. But yeah.

I don't think you need to question your judgements about other people too much. You never know what's going to happen or how people will change. Although it's probably always good to do so to some degree in case you're being too hard or too soft etc. And friendships are... difficult. Not everyone values them as life-long bonds and loyalties. Some people just see them as "someone I hang out with currently".

Anyway. Just... Don't blame yourself for this. That's the most important thing.

You have my internet affection, if it's worth anything. :happy:
 

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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter #15
It is difficult to think an INFJ would be so callous and uncaring. There are countless reasons - real life reasons. Immaturity is one, hurt feelings is another. No such thing as Ni in the real world - that is just a symbol related to a concept- and thus no reason for a wilful act.
If I thought for even a second, that it had anything whatsoever to do with hurt feelings; I would have a much easier time with this, because at least then, I would know that my friendship actually meant something to her.

I said bad because I didn't want to say crappy. But yeah.

I don't think you need to question your judgements about other people too much. You never know what's going to happen or how people will change. Although it's probably always good to do so to some degree in case you're being too hard or too soft etc. And friendships are... difficult. Not everyone values them as life-long bonds and loyalties. Some people just see them as "someone I hang out with currently".

Anyway. Just... Don't blame yourself for this. That's the most important thing.

You have my internet affection, if it's worth anything. :happy:
Thanks for saying that. I really appreciate it. I know that I am I am in no way to blame for what happened but it would ironically be much easier for me to deal with; had that been the case. If I had actually done something wrong; then I might not feel so . . . "used"?

*shrug*
 
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In fact, I so admired her ethical stances on things; that she was possibly then last person on earth; that I ever thought could be capable of such hurtful behaviour.
Maybe she felt that you idealized her too much and saw not her true self, but an image you had constructed of her. I know first hand just how much pressure this implies. Of course, her actions are cruel, she may not have been a person of honor in the first place.
 

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This is why I hardly ever make friends. I have plenty of acquaintances, but only like 3 friends, ever.
 
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Lotus Jester
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Discussion Starter #20
Maybe she felt that you idealized her too much and saw not her true self, but an image you had constructed of her. I know first hand just how much pressure this implies. Of course, her actions are cruel, she may not have been a person of honor in the first place.
No, I told her that I admired her and she basically told me pretty much the same thing; the difference is that apparently only one of us was actually telling the truth.

She was very active in a lot of social causes but clearly that didn't personally translate. I guess that I should be grateful that at least she had the guts to inform me of her decision - as opposed to letting me stumble upon it by accident (which would have been completely cowardly beyond belief); so I really need to give credit where credit is due, don't I?

This is why I hardly ever make friends. I have plenty of acquaintances, but only like 3 friends, ever.
Yeah, it's a risk and unfortunately I got burnt . . . badly; such is life.

:dry:
 
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