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hi, guys.:tongue: this is my first post on personality cafe so i'll being by introducing myself. i'm a 20 year old female currently at university. about two and a half years ago during my last year at high school i fell in 'love' with one of my friends, i used speech marks because i'm not even sure whether it was love at all. after all i was only 17 and never felt like that towards anyone so i have nothing to compare it to.

he was a really quiet guy and i hardly noticed him at all, i only knew his name and had on facebook. but there was something about the last year of high school that made everyone suddenly become friends and so we ended up having lots of group chats on Facebook, and at school. we were all determined to make memories together, lots of photos group revision sessions, going out a lot.

i'm usually shy when it comes to the opposite sex so i was happy to finally be able to make guy friends, so i tried not to let myself fall for anyone. but there was something about him that made him so attractive, at first the attraction wasn't even physical, i was more intrigued my him. he didn't speak, walk or dress like the rest. and soon i couldn't stop thinking about him. i would bang my head on the pillow to get him out of my head. i'm a really secretive person and also because i had a feeling that he's feelings lay elsewhere so i told two of my friends, who never even heard of him!

i made the mistake of telling my cousin, :rolleyes:who had also never heard of him. the guy was really unpopular. the problem was he like my cousin's best friend and my cousin told her about my feelings for him. but because she didn't like him back she told my cousin to tell him that another girl likes him. he was apparently really flattered by this.

to this day i don't know if he knew it was me, but he did start avoiding me and i did the same. i tried to make myself forget about him, which is impossible to do with someone you see in class everyday, and my feelings just grew stronger and stronger.

he then became popular in the blink of an eye, he started to dress differently, and speak like everyone else. he also grew a lot closer to the girl he had feelings for. and it hurt me to see them together. by this time it was too late to control my feelings and i tried to avoid him fearing that somehow i would reveal my feelings to him with the way i act around him.

when the last day of school came, we were all saying goodbye and hugging one another. when it was my turn to hug him, i swear the world stood still, i literally don't know if it went on for a split second or even a few seconds. all i know is i remember it like it was yesterday. i remember the exact place i was standing, who was standing there and how ward his cheek felt against mine. it was the most beautiful thing i've ever felt in my life and i think i even closed my eyes! i didn't care that my cousin and his girlfriend/prom date were standing there, i didn't even care that he turned into a bit of a ladies man somehow and also a bit of a deuchebag but i wanted to keep hugging him.

i went home that day feeling more pathetic than i've ever felt in my entire life, did i hug him for too long? did i close my eyes? why do i have these stupid feelings for someone who probably couldn't careless about my feelings for him, and would probably only see them as an ego boost. :rolleyes:

i'm glad to say that i'm now completely over him, we had a reunion a year later and i felt nothing when i hugged him. he also broke up with his girlfriend but carried on to be even more popular with the ladies. i've been on a few dates but never had any real feelings for any of them, i usually just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings but god knows i know the feeling. but every date i've been on, every kiss etc felt nothing compared to that very short hug that we shared.:unsure:

i know this was long and probably boring. and i also feel kinda stupid sharing this, but in the past two years i've lost interest in men/guys to be honest a few have shown interest but i always ignore them/ push them away after the first date. i have even felt a slight attraction towards someone. i'm 20 and i've never been on a relationship how pathetic is that. i change my number whenever i make the mistake of giving to someone.

am i just one of those people who doesn't fall in love quickly but when i do i fall hard. would it be easier i fell in love quickly so i would fall out just as quickly. or am i still not over the heart break. or do i only like what i can't have? why am i not interested in those who show interestin me?

thanks for reading :proud:
 

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When I was twenty I was scared to death of emotional involvement in any kind of relationship other than strictly platonic friendship. In my case, I felt I had so much to learn and so many things in the world to explore that being involved with another at a committed level would be to cut myself off from all my dreams. I was unsure about who I was and didn't want to risk never finding out. So I don't find your situation pathetic at all. Other people will make you feel like you have to have a relationship, but when and how is your decision, not theirs. That you change your number after giving it out suggests to me that you know at some level a relationship is not what you want right now. Forgive me if I presume. But if you think there is something to what I'm saying, please know there is nothing wrong with hesitating to get into a relationship at age twenty.
 

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Being in love is a great feeling. I don't think anything ever feels like your first love--or any love really, they all are unique in their own ways--but I doubt that's anything to long for. Whether you love quickly or slowly or whether you feel chemistry with many or few or how old you are when you do this or that I think are concerns that just stop nagging at you eventually because you feel more comfortable with whatever you want for yourself and however things turn out to make you feel. Who knows what your next love will be like? I think you just have to be open for completely new experiences, completely new people. You certainly haven't ruined or broken yourself or your only opportunities. ... I mean, it's an easy thing to think and feel just because of how GOOD someone can make you feel, that that was your one chance for something that good, but it's certainly not. One thing that is amazing is just how much TIME you have to work with.
 

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Will you ever feel like that again?

I don't know. But here's what I do know.

When you fall in love, especially for the first time, you cannot conceive of anyone else ever making you feel that way. If it is unrequited or doesn't work out, you still can't imagine ever having those feelings again. That person, they just struck all the right cords. They were a 1/1,000,000 chance. No way could it happen again.

And yet it does.

So I don't know if you will feel that way again. But people do feel that way again. So you never know.
 
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