Wish I was never born, so others wouldn't have to worry about me, or suffer because of the things I can't seem to do for myself. People ask why I am always so distant, the reason is because I don't want to drag someone into my life so I can some how ruin there's. People seem to think I am being selfish when I "put up a wall" but the walls not for me, its for them. I feel like if i let someone in its going to cause them more pain and stress then is worth. And for the people I have let in and see my feelings, it didn't makes things better for me or for them. I don't know if it's just me or if it's them, but I'd rather just stop existing and not have to deal with hurting people any more, or having others even worry about me.
Wish I didn't Exist.......
[INFP]
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Is it really fair to make a decision like that for others? I mean you say that you don't want to become close to people because you want to spare them pain, but what if they care about you so much that they're willing to deal with any negative emotions that that closeness brings? You may not think you're worth it, but others might disagree with you on that. I'm not saying that I don't relate to the sentiment of wishing you were never born, it's just that I don't think it's fair to others to choose for them in that way.
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Posts like this are the reason I believe that threads like that should be a sticky. :dry:
@bromide is right. You underestimate people. You think they approach you without knowing the risk of getting hurt? Oh I'm sure most of them do. Humans are strong like that. I've seen it time and time again.
If you don't love yourself, then ask yourself this; what is it that people see in you that makes them come close to you? What if, no matter how unlikely this may sound, they see something in you that you cannot see clearly? It's a possibility worth looking into.
Besides, if you really are that desperate; you've got nothing to lose. So get up and fight.
@bromide is right. You underestimate people. You think they approach you without knowing the risk of getting hurt? Oh I'm sure most of them do. Humans are strong like that. I've seen it time and time again.
If you don't love yourself, then ask yourself this; what is it that people see in you that makes them come close to you? What if, no matter how unlikely this may sound, they see something in you that you cannot see clearly? It's a possibility worth looking into.
Besides, if you really are that desperate; you've got nothing to lose. So get up and fight.
If you knew my situation, then you'd know that me making that discussion is the only discussion I get to make in my life, and the people i block out are better off not knowing what goes on with me. Like the saying "Ignorance is Bliss" not knowing is much easier for them, even if it's harder on me, I'd rather shoulder it alone then let them see the truth. No matter how much they want to know, them knowing wont change a thing for me, and it will only make there lives worse so tell me whats the point, let them be happy.
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But how do you know that they are happy and better off? I mean, I can understand cutting off others to protect yourself because sometimes we experience traumas that make us unwilling to trust people and we curl into our shells out of self-preservation. However, deciding that you know what's best for someone else is making a presumption that shouldn't be yours to make. I'm speaking as someone who is currently on the other end of a situation like this; I care very much for a person who has apparently decided that it's in my best interest that he keep his distance and minimize contact which I think is unfair and bs. It's understandable to say, "I need to protect myself from you" but saying "I need to protect you from myself" is a cop-out unless you plan on going on a homicidal rampage.
Because of experience, I know all people wanna do is help me, make me feel better, but in the end they wont. In the end it's all becomes the same. This has nothing to do with relationships, it's got to do with people in general. I have either two modes, I shell you from my feelings or I tell it all on and put it on the plate. With the people I have let in and see me for who I am, started off loving it and went into hating me because I am not mild in my emotions, for me to let people in it is to let them know everything about me, and I alone make that choice for others because I know they will end up ruining there lives or someone else, which only makes me feel even worse because it's my fault. So all I can do it protect them from chaos. Its the only selfish choice I get to make in my life, and I am happy with it in order to keep peace with those who think they "know the real me" I am not wising I was dead, i am simply wishing I wasn't born, because all I do is make thing worse or waste space. Like this quote I found, i can relate! Yoite -"I just want to disappear, I want everyone to forget my name."
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You totally discount your ability to cause positivity in the world. People love you, want to spend time on you, with you. Just as you may have brought suffering into the world, you have also brought immeasurable good into the world with you and you can keep on bringing it.
Peace out man XD
Peace out man XD
True, but the happiness I give never lasts. The time people do worrying about me compared to the times I make them happy is much higher, and it doesn't make any one happy to worry about someone. I guess, I just wish to make people ultimately happy, only two ways I know how to do that, one is to not exist or give them allot of money to leave me alone, and can't do either of them so.
I agree with @bromide 100%. Assuming that you're seeing your life from a purely objective viewpoint--and you're not--sometimes pain in life is a GOOD thing. Pain in your body is your body communicating with you to make you aware of something. Sometimes pain in life is a necessary part of growth, or what enables the fight for social justice, and what keeps us all from being cows and sheep.
Taking away everyone's pain, even if you perceive yourself to be the cause of it, implies that you know what's "best for them" better than they do, and it denies them agency over their own experience of life.
Read "Saint Manuel the Good, Martyr" by Miguel de Unamuno. The priest in the novel does something like this, and the novel raises all kinds of questions about when one human being decides what's good for the others and whether the effects are positive or negative, whether outward effects make it worth it to leave people ignorant, etc.
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Sometimes my sister protects me by not letting me know that she is having an asthma attack. She knows I am going to get depressed and upset. Still, I would rather suffer like that than not be allowed to help her. I am trying to keep calm after I learned from my and her behaviors about such situation. This is dangerous for her - because sometimes she cannot be helped by the rescue inhaler she keeps next to her bed.
Similarly, how do you know that they will not be able to calmly help you? That after some time, they will accept what is happening to you and realized that their hurt is less important than what they can do to help you?
Is this something psychological or you have problems with an illness - I am not 100% sure, but is it fibromyalgia? I know you mentioned it before. I also to know that varies in its strength or that impacts one differently than others. If not, let me use it as an example here.
I can understand how difficult is to have some kind of pain because I have it. Asking for help when others do not accept/understand the amount of impairment (physical and cognitive - I forget to spell things that I perfectly knew how to before - many with fibro reported on a forum I used to frequent that they have various cognitive problems and fatigue) that can happen with fibro is very hard. It is very hard on an independent malefemale to ask for help when heshe has fibro, plus one does not want to ask for help or to confide because heshe had a long history of not asking for help (like me for example - it is easier to offer help and understanding than to ask for one). Plus, there is a difficulty with protecting the feelings of others - do not want to add to their complicated lives more pain. With time, loved ones and friends learn how hard it is on one that has it. They do want to help because that is what love is about even when it hurts. It would hurt them perhaps that you have something that they can help with, but do not have that chance. I am thankful that I am in a "better" period now, but I know how bad it can get. Forgive me if it is not fibro, but use it as an example (it is very misunderstood disorder; consequently, a lot of confusion is created not only in those who have it, but also in those who try to understand it or treat it). You can keep a wall, but people will eventually notice that something is going on and feel that they are left out. They will worry nonetheless.
Similarly, how do you know that they will not be able to calmly help you? That after some time, they will accept what is happening to you and realized that their hurt is less important than what they can do to help you?
Is this something psychological or you have problems with an illness - I am not 100% sure, but is it fibromyalgia? I know you mentioned it before. I also to know that varies in its strength or that impacts one differently than others. If not, let me use it as an example here.
I can understand how difficult is to have some kind of pain because I have it. Asking for help when others do not accept/understand the amount of impairment (physical and cognitive - I forget to spell things that I perfectly knew how to before - many with fibro reported on a forum I used to frequent that they have various cognitive problems and fatigue) that can happen with fibro is very hard. It is very hard on an independent malefemale to ask for help when heshe has fibro, plus one does not want to ask for help or to confide because heshe had a long history of not asking for help (like me for example - it is easier to offer help and understanding than to ask for one). Plus, there is a difficulty with protecting the feelings of others - do not want to add to their complicated lives more pain. With time, loved ones and friends learn how hard it is on one that has it. They do want to help because that is what love is about even when it hurts. It would hurt them perhaps that you have something that they can help with, but do not have that chance. I am thankful that I am in a "better" period now, but I know how bad it can get. Forgive me if it is not fibro, but use it as an example (it is very misunderstood disorder; consequently, a lot of confusion is created not only in those who have it, but also in those who try to understand it or treat it). You can keep a wall, but people will eventually notice that something is going on and feel that they are left out. They will worry nonetheless.
An easier way to explain my feeling, I am an anchor, all i do is hold people down. I don't care if they want me or not. I am not doing this for them, like it or not, I am doing this for me, so they can be happy. With me in there life or not, only difference I make is a dent. All you agree that the choice i make isn't mine, but it isn't there choice either, but if no ones use the choice i am going to make the choice. I got people who sit here and think they know me, they don't choose to look further, and I am not going to pull them in, those who have tried to pry open my "shell" have regretted it. So I've come to decide that I am not letting another person in, due to the past. Even if they want in or not, they choose not to from the beginning, but now they changed there mind, but I am not going to let them. I do little unselfish things here and there for everybody, I haven't done anything selfish for myself this is the only selfish thing I am doing for myself, and even part of it isn't for me. Even if you guys disagree, no matter what opposite thing you say or disagree about with me, its not going to change my view on this, I am saying this so you wont waste time on it with me.
I understand this feeling but you may be causing others more pain and hurt by thinking this way. You may think you're better off or that they're better off, but you may be doing just the opposite. So, what if you're not perfectly able to give everyone what they want, need, or expect. You can be imperfect and give people something worthwhile to enjoy in their lives. You can't tell others how to feel about you. Let them make that decision for themselves. It may make them feel fulfilled to help and support you. You don't need to be perfect to be valuable as a human being. You have something unique about you, which comes out clearly in your post, which can't be reproduced by anyone else. You are more than you think you are and more than you acknowledge yourself to be. You can't know what you can or will be able to offer or give if you tell yourself you have nothing. Give yourself a chance. Don't doom yourself to the idea that you have a less than worthwhile existence, when you have the ability to make some totally awesome waves. It's ok to be afraid of the water, but take the board out sometimes, and give yourself the chance to surf.
You have set up a defense mechanism for yourself, you don't want to get hurt, and you don't want others to get hurt, you mean well.
Please understand, that you cannot make this decision for them. And if you keep having this attitude, that will never change, and there will come a time where your wall is so thick, there is no breaking it.
Let that wall crumble, slowly, tear it appart, let other's kick at it, brick by brick. It will take time, and it has to. You don't have to overwhelm everyone, or be overwhelmed, if you let your whole wall crumble on someone at once, they cannot handle its weight.
You see the world through such dark glasses, that you can no longer see any of the brightness it has to offer. And some of this brightness is you, and some of the brightness comes from others. Take off your glasses and let the sun shine on your face, feel the warmth and let it soak into your body.
When you let in the warmth that others have to offer, you will see that not all is bad. You will see, on their faces, that you are not just bad, you have something to offer. You are a person and you have a personality and you are unique. And you don't always have to be happy or you don't always have to laugh, but you are here, and you should love yourself just because you are here.
Open up yourself, slowly, and try to see the positive thing in everything, even in chaos, in death and in all the hard things that seem endless and unkind. Know and understand that you cannot change everything. Slowly create that positive outlook on life, and there will come a time when you look in the mirror and you see that the positive is true, that the mirror will smile back at you.
Please understand, that you cannot make this decision for them. And if you keep having this attitude, that will never change, and there will come a time where your wall is so thick, there is no breaking it.
Let that wall crumble, slowly, tear it appart, let other's kick at it, brick by brick. It will take time, and it has to. You don't have to overwhelm everyone, or be overwhelmed, if you let your whole wall crumble on someone at once, they cannot handle its weight.
You see the world through such dark glasses, that you can no longer see any of the brightness it has to offer. And some of this brightness is you, and some of the brightness comes from others. Take off your glasses and let the sun shine on your face, feel the warmth and let it soak into your body.
When you let in the warmth that others have to offer, you will see that not all is bad. You will see, on their faces, that you are not just bad, you have something to offer. You are a person and you have a personality and you are unique. And you don't always have to be happy or you don't always have to laugh, but you are here, and you should love yourself just because you are here.
Open up yourself, slowly, and try to see the positive thing in everything, even in chaos, in death and in all the hard things that seem endless and unkind. Know and understand that you cannot change everything. Slowly create that positive outlook on life, and there will come a time when you look in the mirror and you see that the positive is true, that the mirror will smile back at you.
You are here, there is a hole in your wall. You want to be helped and you want to share. You have come to the right place for that, we are friendly and we don't judge.
Please remember, almost everyone that talks to you here has experienced something bad and they are all or have all been full of pain. It is not just you, there are others.
And even if you can't take the steps that people have offered you in real life. Then start smaller, and let us help you here. Cause I feel for the pain of everyone and I wish it were not there, but pain is a part of life, but no man, woman or child should have to go through pain and suffering on his or her own. There is always someone.
Well I do put up a wall, but for myself.
My experiences with people haven't always been good (cheating, lying, smiling in your face when hating you)
I was amazed of how many crazy and ****** - up people there are in the world....
My teacher accused me of being a loner, being too distant or too wierd but It's a sort protection shield because I don't want any of those horrible people around me.
I'm just scared of the world nowadays, you never know that you say something wrong, they wait for you around the corner and get you.
I'm not paranoid trust me, I have seen people who are crazy like that before >.<
My experiences with people haven't always been good (cheating, lying, smiling in your face when hating you)
I was amazed of how many crazy and ****** - up people there are in the world....
My teacher accused me of being a loner, being too distant or too wierd but It's a sort protection shield because I don't want any of those horrible people around me.
I'm just scared of the world nowadays, you never know that you say something wrong, they wait for you around the corner and get you.
I'm not paranoid trust me, I have seen people who are crazy like that before >.<
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Almost every single thing you said, OP, I've heard before, from another internet acquaintance of mine, for a little over a year now.
I'd like to tell you his story.
When we first met, he seemed immature, and just in need of some attention that I only kind of wanted to give him. I'd met his type before. They are a nuisance. Yet, that was a mask... a wall. And I read someone too shallowly for once.
After a time I learned a bit more about the man behind the jerkopathic mask. He was hurting. He felt himself a burden. He wrote the most beautiful, depressing poetry... and he just stinkin wanted to die. He let me in, he actually just cracked one day and everything inside that shell gushed out. Then he went on and on and on and... well you get the idea, he regretted spilling. He regretted becoming a "burden" and quenching my sparky life.
We didn't see eye to eye on a couple things, but they were minor and resolved themselves eventually (usually within an hour or two of the original misunderstanding). But there was one event that scarred me and while I have forgiven him and still love him as my brother, there are still marks from that one night. Ya know what it was that dug so deep? He said exactly what you said in this thread. "I'd rather just stop existing and not have to deal with hurting people any more, or having others even worry about me." NOTHING hurt me more than that.
Wanna know why?
Because I love him. I made the choice to love him. He didn't make that choice for me. I made it. I chose to love him and he knew it too. And in saying those words, almost exactly like you did in your OP, he was saying inadvertently but truly enough, "All the love you poured into me means nothing. The choice you made to love me? I scorn it. My life is worthless because you are worthless. The gift of love and joy you gave me? worthless. Because if it were anything more than that, my life would be something worth living."
So just think... I beg of you. Think about the fact that you just said THE most selfish words a man can utter. If I chose to love you and pour my life into you, would you really have the nerve to be a low-life, selfish, jerkopathic brat and tell me that what I gave you was worth nothing? And think on this: What if, like I and my friend, the people that love you don't come right out and say the fact that they love you. What if you are scorning a gift that you are too selfishly blind to see is being given?
There is nothing as blinding as self-absorption. Nothing as selfish as suicide. Think on that, I beg of you.
I'd like to tell you his story.
When we first met, he seemed immature, and just in need of some attention that I only kind of wanted to give him. I'd met his type before. They are a nuisance. Yet, that was a mask... a wall. And I read someone too shallowly for once.
After a time I learned a bit more about the man behind the jerkopathic mask. He was hurting. He felt himself a burden. He wrote the most beautiful, depressing poetry... and he just stinkin wanted to die. He let me in, he actually just cracked one day and everything inside that shell gushed out. Then he went on and on and on and... well you get the idea, he regretted spilling. He regretted becoming a "burden" and quenching my sparky life.
We didn't see eye to eye on a couple things, but they were minor and resolved themselves eventually (usually within an hour or two of the original misunderstanding). But there was one event that scarred me and while I have forgiven him and still love him as my brother, there are still marks from that one night. Ya know what it was that dug so deep? He said exactly what you said in this thread. "I'd rather just stop existing and not have to deal with hurting people any more, or having others even worry about me." NOTHING hurt me more than that.
Wanna know why?
Because I love him. I made the choice to love him. He didn't make that choice for me. I made it. I chose to love him and he knew it too. And in saying those words, almost exactly like you did in your OP, he was saying inadvertently but truly enough, "All the love you poured into me means nothing. The choice you made to love me? I scorn it. My life is worthless because you are worthless. The gift of love and joy you gave me? worthless. Because if it were anything more than that, my life would be something worth living."
So just think... I beg of you. Think about the fact that you just said THE most selfish words a man can utter. If I chose to love you and pour my life into you, would you really have the nerve to be a low-life, selfish, jerkopathic brat and tell me that what I gave you was worth nothing? And think on this: What if, like I and my friend, the people that love you don't come right out and say the fact that they love you. What if you are scorning a gift that you are too selfishly blind to see is being given?
There is nothing as blinding as self-absorption. Nothing as selfish as suicide. Think on that, I beg of you.
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I can relate to this. I sometimes felt like I couldn't share w/e sadness, burden and crap with others, because I was scared that the saying "sharing to lighten the burden" wouldn't come true, that it would instead increase the burden for all. Yunno, how -1 * 1 = -1 .Yet when I did share, it wasn't that bad. It's how I came to understand that not everybody is willing to or capable of speaking 'my language' to share the burden: by trial and error. You shouldn't give up on trying. ^^
@Touk, my friend,
I don't know exactly what you're going through, but it sure sounds a lot like what I'm going through. I build up sky-rises around myself. I've completely shut myself out of society. I haven't seen society in weeks.
What keeps me going is the fact that people DO care. Look at the 'strangers' on this forum who take the time out of their day to listen to you. To respond to you. Love is shared because pain is shared also.
I guarantee you there are so many people out there willing to share their lives with you despite your loose ends. EVERYBODY HAS THEM! Look at it this way--maybe the only 'anchor' your holding is your own problems or past in which you dwell. You can choose to let it go. Every moment is an opportunity to start over. Like now...or now... or now. Notice how life gives us new days every day with fresh experiences--the days past are never repeated. You don't have to 'drag' people into your yesterday. Drag them into your now. All else will be forgiven.
You may not be religious but picture this: apart from what crazy 'man' has done to this earth, God continues to show us his beauty. If God is omniscient and omnipotent then he knows more about you than you know yourself, yet he still reaches out to you through his gifts--simple things like a beautiful sunset, the fragrance of spring, or even through the kindness of others. The universe is begging you to move on. All your dark parts are already forgiven and forgotten by him and everyone else. Now you can forgive yourself too and move forward. We can move forward.
I don't know exactly what you're going through, but it sure sounds a lot like what I'm going through. I build up sky-rises around myself. I've completely shut myself out of society. I haven't seen society in weeks.
What keeps me going is the fact that people DO care. Look at the 'strangers' on this forum who take the time out of their day to listen to you. To respond to you. Love is shared because pain is shared also.
I guarantee you there are so many people out there willing to share their lives with you despite your loose ends. EVERYBODY HAS THEM! Look at it this way--maybe the only 'anchor' your holding is your own problems or past in which you dwell. You can choose to let it go. Every moment is an opportunity to start over. Like now...or now... or now. Notice how life gives us new days every day with fresh experiences--the days past are never repeated. You don't have to 'drag' people into your yesterday. Drag them into your now. All else will be forgiven.
You may not be religious but picture this: apart from what crazy 'man' has done to this earth, God continues to show us his beauty. If God is omniscient and omnipotent then he knows more about you than you know yourself, yet he still reaches out to you through his gifts--simple things like a beautiful sunset, the fragrance of spring, or even through the kindness of others. The universe is begging you to move on. All your dark parts are already forgiven and forgotten by him and everyone else. Now you can forgive yourself too and move forward. We can move forward.
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Is it really just two modes? Can't you open up a little at a time, revealing just bits by bits and seeing if people can 'take it'? Going by baby steps, opening up gradually like @Pom87 said, with special emphasis on the SLOW. And do you know anyone 'strong'? Anyone who's been through a lot as well, who learned from it, and who has the strength to face your 'chaos'? Such an emotionally mature person may be a good place to start. Maybe, if you feel comfortable enough with it, you may share some of your story with a few of us?
In one of your blog posts you said you're a fighter from birth. If you really had to conquer such a challenge so early in life, then there must've been a reason. You're strong, there's something in you you can use to help others. Your existence isn't a plague, you can create just as much joy as well. Fight for it! And trust me, there is nothing in life like a friend that can understand you in all your layers.
Best of wishes to you.
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