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Hello Everyone,

I've been dating a girl in China for over a year. (I'm on the lil' island close by called Hong Kong by the way).
She's great. Turns out she's an ESTP.
In an odd way we complete each other in the sense that we're opposites of one another.

I can't help but be seen as effeminate, she's often viewed as a bit aggressive (read: boyish).
Yet I guess we fell for each other because we're different...

Anyways, lately when we chat together online and discussing potential holiday trips and such, I've noticed I'm becoming increasingly irritated with her.

I dunno why, whenever we meet in person, I feel like I'm lucky to be alive at that moment...
Yet when we're far apart, I get annoyed at her for all the little things I find cute when I see her in person.

Recently we've only been chatting in the super late evenings.. And.. Sigh, confession time.
I got short with her, and when asked for a reason I blurted how her influent (not a word, I know), English somehow causes me to speak incoherently, or gibberish..

I somehow blamed my fatigue and irritation on her. This has not been the first time I've done this. But this one's pretty fresh, and it hurts to know in her voice that I've hurt her, and angered her.


I'm not sure what's going on with me. I'm usually too stubborn to ask, but I really need some advice.

What shall I do? What's happening to me?
 

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Perhaps you are communicating too often? I've found that when I'm in a relationship and feeling as though my life/personal space is becoming blended with the person I'm with, everything they say or do can annoy me. Do you talk multiple times a day, or for extended periods of time? Regardless of how much you love a person, that can be incredibly draining mentally/emotionally.

Another possibility is that you may be losing interest in her, but are "addicted" to the feeling of having someone in your life...especially someone with as many great qualities as she has. Maybe you're idealizing her/the relationship in your head throughout the day, but when you actually talk to her, you're reminded of all of the things you can't stand.

Those are just two possibilities based on my own experiences. :)
 

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I am also in a similar situation at the moment, the guy is an INFP but when we are mad, we are both very mad. We see each other as ESTJ, and we have no idea how to stop it, cos we are not so used to each other as yet. When we are hurt, we shut down basically, and then because it is someone close to us, we are even more hurt inside our hearts. It takes time to heal. I would say that you should indeed take time and take it slow, and not to rush things, if there are decisions which you do not feel comfortable about in doing, then don't do it. Preventation is better than to outwar arguing. Plus use validation and or understanding in your relationships. It is important to be understanding.
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
Reply to Ashley
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Perhaps you are communicating too often?

Maybe you're idealizing her/the relationship in your head throughout the day, but when you actually talk to her, you're reminded of all of the things you can't stand.

Thanks for the replies people, I'll answer Ashley's post first.
1. We used to talk every day until I got fed up of being asked 'how am I' for the 5-6th time that week.
Had asked her to call me less and she seemed okay with this.

I have a feeling that as 'we' plan for the trip abroad there's been more and more things I 'need' to participate with.
And that I'm becoming reluctant to put in so much effort into the planning that I lashed out in frustration?

I said some things I .. didn't intend to mean the way she thought I did...
She asked me why I was frustrated and I yelled at her. I sort of knew I was just venting.
But she totally shut down at that point, told me it's not fair and soon hung up.

I tried to apologise before she hung up, but it didn't help, too late I guess.


2. I wonder if I am idealising her... Whenever she does anything that irks me, I try to sweep it under the carpet and not push the issue.
... Does this count as idealising?


Reply to Bago:
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I am also in a similar situation at the moment, the guy is an INFP but when we are mad, we are both very mad.
We see each other as ESTJ, and we have no idea how to stop it, cos we are not so used to each other as yet.
When we are hurt, we shut down basically, and then because it is someone close to us, we are even more hurt inside our hearts.
It takes time to heal. I would say that you should indeed take time and take it slow, and not to rush things, if there are decisions which you do not feel comfortable about in doing, then don't do it.
Preventation is better than to outwar arguing. Plus use validation and or understanding in your relationships. It is important to be understanding.
Thank you for replying though I do have a question. How is it that you and your man see each other as ESTJ?

I agree in that when arguments fly we do seem to be at odds with one another. But when we're not we seem like the perfect couple...

Might I ask, (and question is open to all) how much time it takes for us as INFPs to get used to dealings in a relationship?
I've been with her for nearly two years, but it's been a long distance relationship right from the start..
So I can't really tell whether we've really been together for that long, or do we only count the days when we're actually, physically near each other?

It seems like I'm back to being single and lonely whenever she's not with me.
While some people may be content with seeing each other a few times a year..
I only get to see her twice a month and it ain't near enough..

Edit: Thank you all.
 

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I don't know about relationships with ESTPs, but my best friend is an ESTP and we get on amazingly well, and have done for over 10 years.
 

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This INFP guy mentioned that we should move in asap when we first met, and I did not understand why. Then it is unfortunate that I had to move away for a job. Then we kept in touch via online and via text. We don't see each other as often, but we have started to put more effort into our communications. Even this is falling over. I also realised that this is not actually healthy for me either. Then it dawned on me that, this is how most of my relationships are ?? Friendships and so forth. Without communication, and the increase of empathy, understanding of each others' lives and sharing of lives, you really are actually not having a relationship at all. You have no idea of who, what, when and why. When you connect with somebody, you actually learn about them inside and out. How many of this kind of deep relationship can one have in their lifetime? Not many. We can choose on who we spend time with, and therefore influence our own lives. I think I realised through having met him, and how I behave, such that, it has been a steep learning curve. We've hit a bit of a rock at the moment, and I also realised how much I run away cos I follow my emotions first. I am not even sure how I curb it, cos it has become a habit already, but I hope that through time, I can indeed learn to grow from this experience, and hopefully, we grow towards the same goal...

If you can, don't go for a long distance relationship, it is not good for any person... Not especially in the early stages too.

When we argue and we are less considerate towards each other, I know that we are then acting like ESTJs. It is when we go on the defensive straight away even though the other person is hurt and is justified in their hurt based on the action from the other person. He often used the words "your imagination" to me... I thought he was off his rocker, cos to me, he cannot tell when I am hurt and when I am not. To me, I thought it was simple. I think that he is not often focused on my feelings. I suppose, I am also not often focused on his feelings first too. Because he does not support me emotionally first, then I feel that I have already built a resentment feeling within my heart.. It goes round in circle. When I behave like he did, he said that I am messing him around etc. He's picked up the British mannerism, which I don't like. Cos it's not very respectful. He can mimic like a chameloen... I don't know whether he realises that of himself.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I don't know about relationships with ESTPs, but my best friend is an ESTP and we get on amazingly well, and have done for over 10 years.
Yes, but I'll have to argue: there's a deep level of commitment required with in a romantic relationship with an ESTP, (or anyone for that matter). You aren't just friends with them, but I understand where you're coming from. She and I get along amazingly well when we do.

It's just that when pushed, I'm the one who flips, and she's often the one who's hurt.
For some reason, stress and pressure doesn't appear to affect her.
(Well it does, but she can take more of it but I can't).
 

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It sounds like things between you are becoming a bit stagnant, and that's probably because of not seeing each other enough.

My advice would be to get that holiday planned ASAP, and go! Bring lots of positive energy with you, and have some amazing experiences together!
 

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I am an ISTP female in a long distance relationship with an INFP male. We both have had an amount of work-related stress in our lives lately, too. I have noticed that whenever we have been apart for 2 months or more in a row, things usually start going bad. He starts mulling about how "unfair" it is to me to be bound to him though he is unable to be present in my life right now the way he would want to be and later insists to "set me free" to find someone else. He has broken up with me a couple of times already in these periods, though he usually gravitates back in a while. Once he was so determined to break all the communication - I never learned the exact reason for this - but after I jumped on a plane and took into a hotel in his neigborhood, he agreed to talk things over, and little by little things got back to normal.

So from what I can see, things start going pear-shaped every time we haven't met for a while, and better when we do meet. How long it has been since you really met your girl? I suggest you listen to @Sylos and start planning a trip!
 

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this is dangerous. i know it happens to me as well, when i cant speak with someone i long for for a long time.
i have no idea if this will really work out, but if you are getting annoyed with her, make sure you figure out your real underlying reasons for it. maybe you just dont fit together...
 

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I found that from my experience with online relationships, the best question to ask myself first is: am I realistically ever going to be with her? If yes, I see myself with numerous options.
 
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