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I'll think I'm doing pretty well, health-wise, and then something as minor as my husband being upset about my not washing the dishes sends me into the dark hole.

So this is my issue. So often four descriptions talk about how dramatic and expressive we are but someone gets upset with me and it takes me four hours to find some way to get my feelings out there. And even then it's incredibly hard for me to verbalize it. More than anything I just shift into two mode (or is this nine?) and say I'm sorry and show physical affection, do nice things for the person because I can't deal with someone I love being upset with me. But it's pretty obvious that my heart's not in it, I'm brooding, aloof, passive-aggressive.

Internally I'm upset because I wish I could get stuff out there right away and be better about asserting myself, I know I didn't do anything wrong, but it's such a struggle. I will be all resentful internally but I know of no way to voice it.

Do others have this problem?
 

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Sometimes I do. It can take a long time for me to get upset with a person. It's like it just builds and builds and then I just snap. I also hate anyone being mad at me, so I tend to just give in and apologize and try to make amends, even if it seems I shouldn't be the one doing that from others' perspectives/my perspective later on.
 

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Sometimes I do. It can take a long time for me to get upset with a person. It's like it just builds and builds and then I just snap. I also hate anyone being mad at me, so I tend to just give in and apologize and try to make amends, even if it seems I shouldn't be the one doing that from others' perspectives/my perspective later on.
Oh, I'll be upset, it just doesn't get out there. I tend to turn it against myself, although I'll hold it against the other person, too.

I really would like to figure out how to come out and say things in a relatively timely fashion, instead of, oh, three weeks later. I know being an introvert married to an extrovert really comes into play in my relationship, but I'm like this with everyone. I feel like my processing speed is just really slow. I have to figure out how I really feel, and what I really think about it, and how I really want to act before anything comes out. And by then, it no longer matters.
 

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its true we are expressive but i think they mean creatively... fours (esp. 4w5's) tend to be very internal and self-punishing with their emotions. So I wouldn't think anything of it, that's exactly how I would expect you to react :)

We fours like to project an image of beauty or grandeur to others about us; it's part of our identity issue. So when someone tells us that we are flawed, in any way, or they make us feel like they don't like us even for the moment, it upsets that very delicate image and can send us into a mood, or cause us to disconnect, or similar. I get the same way.
 
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I used to withdraw when I was upset but I am a lot more assertive now. I say what I need to instead of holding it all in. Sometimes that gets me into a heated argument but I have learned how to stand up for myself and stand my ground.
 

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I have a similar problem in asserting myself when I think someone is mistreating me or is doing something wrong, unless that wrong is major, in which case I will assert myself immediately in a scared and anxious manner. I have discovered that I handle my anxiety with people in a generally phobic fashion where I rarely challenge small abuses and just hold the pain and anger within. Often, I try to rationalize the abuse by making excuses for the person, like thinking that they are having a bad day, or I try to recall some of the good things they've done for me, or I scrutinize my behavior to see if I really did something wrong. Sometimes, I just eat it to maintain social harmony or I tell myself that dealing with this issue isn't worth my time and energy. I once thought that nine was my gut type as I'm doing a lot of work to keep myself stable, but actually, I'm protecting the other person and myself from a deep vengefulness within that will consume me if I don't take care. Even though I don't express my discontent verbally, I have noted that others around me begin to get nervous as my expression tightens and I become cold and remote. One is my gut type. If I sense that an injustice has been done against me, I will chalk it down.

If the abuse is just an aberration, I will try to suppress my anger and life will continue as before. If this is part of a pattern, and the chalkboard has a lot of marks, my mind will switch between fantasies of victimhood and righteous indignation. All of a sudden, I become like an overburdened camel, waiting for that one straw to set me off. I'll rehearse speeches in my mind, and may even have violent fantasies, until I feel prepared for a confrontation. Then, if another abuse follows, I lash out, typically in a verbal tirade and thankfully never in actual violent fashion against the person, although I have been on the edge a couple times. Sadly, I feel all powerful and righteous when I'm in this mood (being bigger and taller than everyone else makes everyone fearful), and am always shocked afterwards at the rage I feel. I don't feel sorry for the victim of this, typically they are of very low character and "had it coming", but I feel bad for everyone else around me and wished that I could of conducted myself better. I suppose that this is a six with a one fix disintegrating to three.

Knowing that this is in me makes me even more phobic because I can see that others are attuned to my edginess when I do assert myself, so I usually just take it. I just don't know how to assert myself without coming off as somewhat prickly and menacing, even though I'm really just anxious. If I could learn to assert myself with grace I wouldn't have to be so fearful for everyone and wouldn't feel like such a doormat.
 
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