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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I think something that we all value is honesty, authenticity...

This can apply to anything, family matters, friendships, romantic relationships...

But, if you find out someone has left out important details regarding issues that are important to you, do you view this as blatant dishonesty?

Is it hard for you to trust and believe this person afterwards?

If someone leaves out crucial pieces of information and gives you reasons like "I didn't know how you'd react", or "I thought maybe it would give you the wrong impression"... or even "I didn't feel it was very important"...


How do you handle this?
How can you trust them again.. especially knowing that the only way you found out these facts was because you had a hunch and asked? And does it make you feel like they are simply dishonest with you?
 

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I wear the championship belt when it comes to blaming myself for not noticing things in peoples demeanor, maybe not asking the right questions, or perhaps neglecting to reinforce the importance of open communication with people I trust.

While I wouldn't label it as lying, I'd be more-so be disappointed in them for thinking I may not be able to handle certain types of information, or take it the wrong way. In some ways, I'd view it worse than lying in that it would make me re-evaluate the type of connection we have to begin with - this deviates into self-blame though... why didn't I recognize this sooner?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I wear the championship belt when it comes to blaming myself for not noticing things in peoples demeanor, maybe not asking the right questions, or perhaps neglecting to reinforce the importance of open communication with people I trust.

While I wouldn't label it as lying, I'd be more-so be disappointed in them for thinking I may not be able to handle certain types of information, or take it the wrong way. In some ways, I'd view it worse than lying in that it would make me re-evaluate the type of connection we have to begin with - this deviates into self-blame though... why didn't I recognize this sooner?
That really hits the nail on the head. Thanks :)
 
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Depends what they are withholding and how knowing that information would impact on me.

Information can be withheld in a way that is deceptive, making you think things are opposite to what they are, and I would consider that some kind of form of lying.

However, other times it is simple not filling in a gap in my knowledge.
 

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Depend upon the person(s) involved, when I grew up around oversharing relatives that lacked a courtesy filter of acceptable information to share (in those cases less has often been more a case of fewer dramas), whereas online it can become exhausting seeing others censor themselves, encouraging them to just be more open or 'honest' with their thoughts.

Not so much of a concern in physical life (unless I feel very close to someone). Growing up with two default mindsets 'if I have to ask about someone elses 'problems' I probably don't wish to know' and 'those that matter will either share things themselves or be open to questions, when mutual trust and listening should flow both ways'.
 

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I think something that we all value is honesty, authenticity...

This can apply to anything, family matters, friendships, romantic relationships...

But, if you find out someone has left out important details regarding issues that are important to you, do you view this as blatant dishonesty?

Is it hard for you to trust and believe this person afterwards?

If someone leaves out crucial pieces of information and gives you reasons like "I didn't know how you'd react", or "I thought maybe it would give you the wrong impression"... or even "I didn't feel it was very important"...


How do you handle this?
How can you trust them again.. especially knowing that the only way you found out these facts was because you had a hunch and asked? And does it make you feel like they are simply dishonest with you?
I wouldn't jump to Judgments, they may have forgot, or thought it not too relevant, or were busy, or thought it may hurt your feelings. Why not just ask them?
 

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Quoting elleinsane:
"If someone leaves out crucial pieces of information and gives you reasons like "I didn't know how you'd react", or "I thought maybe it would give you the wrong impression"... or even "I didn't feel it was very important"..."



This is normlly the excuse for deception by omission - maybe there are ways to define this - the "little lie" - and may depend on the intent. If the reaction on disclosure is expected to be punitive, this deception may be understandable.

In a work situation I have seen such deceptions that were intended to cause loss of favor with the boss- just sneaky backstabbing.

Forgive - but remember. . .
 

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Well It happens to me all the time.

In some cases people do it because they want to keep things private. I am known for making people spill their guts in conversation.

Then there are the people who are manipulating or deceiving you.

Next time this happens try to figure out what is motivating their actions. Ask yourself this, "Are they withholding personal information that I don't have a right to know?" If so that is okay, or try this, "Are they keeping information from me so that I will be unable to make an informed decision, and would they benefit from me making the wrong choice?" If so then they need an a$$ whooping, LOL, well not really but they are not treating you right, and perhaps you should tell them.
 
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That really hits the nail on the head. Thanks :)
Yes, I could have written this myself. I do tend to blame myself for not being more assertive sometimes, especially if I have gut feelings about things. I wait too long to see if things will come to light organically, or work themselves out.
 

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Not always. A lot of that depends on the situation in which info was withheld. Obviously, if its a piece of info that could have spared me humiliation or other negative then i sometimes see it as lying by omitting. If the info was withheld to spare me (within reason) then i may see it as them looking out for my well-being. I mean when it's something i would have loved to know, of course i get mad, but i figured out the best way to react. When people screwed me over in high school, i just grinned and interacted and reacted like nothing happened. it drove the offenders nuts
 

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After 24 years of marriage, with golf trips and new cars and college for the kids, my husband informed me that we were $120,000 in debt and had been for many years.

That kind of information should not be withheld, and yes, I saw it as lying.
 

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But, if you find out someone has left out important details regarding issues that are important to you, do you view this as blatant dishonesty?

Is it hard for you to trust and believe this person afterwards?

If someone leaves out crucial pieces of information and gives you reasons like "I didn't know how you'd react", or "I thought maybe it would give you the wrong impression"... or even "I didn't feel it was very important"...

How do you handle this?
How can you trust them again.. especially knowing that the only way you found out these facts was because you had a hunch and asked? And does it make you feel like they are simply dishonest with you?
In most cases, I would experience it as lying and have struggles with trust.

But there is one situation where I might not experience it as lying, and that's the last scenario you mentioned: "I didn't feel it was very important"... Assuming that itself isn't a lie, it could be worth exploring together as a way to learn each other better. Why is information that one person really needs deemed not important to the other? What does that say about respective values or information processing or whatever the difference is in how the two people assign importance to particular kinds of data? How can future communication shift so that this difference doesn't cause stress, pain, harm etc?

But the other situations, when someone deliberately doesn't share information because they want to manipulate your behavior in doing so - yeah, to me that is a form of lying, clear and simple. And maybe even more than lying, it's manipulative, a particular form of lying designed to control behavior and that is not ever ok with me.

Overall, for me the most important thing is to trust my gut in situations like this. Sometimes I'm better at doing that than other times.
 

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Not at all. If there is no reason for them to know, why should I tell them? Anyways, I am a big-picture person. Telling them details are annoying: too much thinking how I'm going to say, then stuttering because I realized how I could "re-say" and then going through the process of saying it. NO. (Writing is a different thing, I can erase/backspace my sentences and reword it to my satisfaction.)
 

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Not at all. If there is no reason for them to know, why should I tell them? Anyways, I am a big-picture person. Telling them details are annoying: too much thinking how I'm going to say, then stuttering because I realized how I could "re-say" and then going through the process of saying it. NO. (Writing is a different thing, I can erase/backspace my sentences and reword it to my satisfaction.)
So, what would you do if you were in a relationship in which someone told you that they needed more details on certain things because oherwise they felt left in the dark or otherwise not-okay?

(I'm thinking maybe in that case you could do that communication in writing, but not sure - just interested in what you're saying here because to me you're offering a real life illustration of a situation where withholding details is just a difference in communication and preference, and not anything malevolent ... and so would need to be worked out somehow with the other person).
 
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