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First Scenario --

Last month my family and I visited some somewhat distant cousins whom we haven't seen in a few years, as well as my aunt and uncle..

we only stayed for two days, but spent time with them each day for a few good hours.

There was about 15 people total, so it wasn't really possible to have personal conversations with so many people in so little time...

Anyways, on the last day there, we were at a restaurant, and as we were about to leave my cousins wife was comparing my sibling and I, was seeing if we had similar eyes because we look alike..

As she got to me she then said, "your eyes look like Johns"(her husband, fake name), and I said something like "oh yeah" to which she said, "it's like I'm looking into Johns eyes", as she was looking at me!... and John was next to her and said something like "whoa ho!" to me, kinda like "whoa she's flirtin with ya man!!" is how it came across..

it was really off-putting and I just kinda turned away and didn't say anything to that.. even her tone of voice sounded flirty or slightly seductive, in my opinion..

They are close in age to me and have children, and are both attractive people who seem happily married.. for a wife to say this to me, when we're not close at all was really off-putting to me.. why would she say this?

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Second Scenario --

for past year or so I've had this job
where lots of regulars come in, one of which was this attractive women, in her 40's and she's always shop alone.. she was friendly and extremely attractive; dressed modest, reserved a bit, didn't wear much or any makeup..

I never said much to her other than the typical "how are you?" and that's about it..

last week I was at my other job,
and by chance she came in with her daughter..

I recognized her but didn't show it
and just treated her like any other customer..

later that night I went to work at my other job, and sure enough she came in.. and I saw her and politely said "how are you?" and she said "I saw you at (other job) today !" and I said "yep" in a casual tone,

she then said "I get to see you twice in one day, lucky me !", also in a flirty girly tone..

I immediately felt she crossed a line, and just like with my cousins wife, I didn't respond and just turned around to walk away.

I remembered her name from my other job; because her name showed on the receipt.. so I googled it and it turns out she's married with kids..???

-----

I can't tell if they're being a tease and like trying to play with men's emotions, or they are wanting attention from other men because they are unsatisfied in their marriage..

either way, they were both immediate red flags and really were unappealing to me.

what do you think? why'd did the women in Scenario One and Two do this?
 

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It may have been a bit rude or even a bit awkward to just turn and walk away without responding to something so nice... That said, I've done exactly that before in similar situations. I've been trying to learn to take flirting more as a compliment than as someone crossing a line.
 

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I would probably call that 'teasing' rather than 'flirting. But it's all a bit of a grey area...

Some types naturally come across as flirtatious when they're not intentionally being flirtatious, like ENFPs. When ENFPs are actually interested, they become a little more shy and bashful, in my experience. Others will intentionally flirt by teasing, so there is plausible deniability, in case the other isn't interested.

ETA I also agree with Maust below. My first impression of those women's gestures were that they were just friendliness. I was only analysing theoretically in different scenarios, rather than specifically yours.

For me, teasing is a way of showing affection, not usually romantic.
 

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I can't tell if they're being a tease and like trying to play with men's emotions, or they are wanting attention from other men because they are unsatisfied in their marriage..

either way, they were both immediate red flags and really were unappealing to me.

what do you think? why'd did the women in Scenario One and Two do this?
hahahaha what

You're wayyyyyyyy overthinking this. Wayyyyyyyyyyyy. Overthinking. This.

Women can be friendly to you without wanting to fuck you. :) As a woman who puts up with men constantly thinking I want to fuck them (I gave some guy directions today and he immediately responded by hitting on me), this is false.
 

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I agree with @maust on this one, but that being said, one of the strongest, most visceral connections I've ever had was with a woman traveling with my sister who stopped by the house for a few hours on their way back from a conference. She'd only been married a month, but the two of us hit it off so well that we both freaked out just a touch by the end of the night. Neither of us did anything about it, but when they went to leave she got very solemn and apologized to me that she didn't have any sisters or even cousins to set me up with. The whole thing... it was... odd. Powerful, but odd. Very powerful, but oh so odd. Never saw her again after that, which is for the best.

I dunno, sometimes people have chemistry. Sometimes they're just being polite. And on rare occasions they're long lost soulmates from a past life who you reconnect with for four hours one evening at random before never seeing them again. These things happen.
 

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I feel as though I should ask this particular question, because I feel that someone has to: why even bring this up? These are only two incidents, and frankly, they're very minor incidents at that. It's just another day in the life of FreeSpirit, so why exactly are these two occurrences so significant to you? That's not meant to insult you, I am asking you earnestly. Please forgive me, as I'm about overthink your own overthinking and ask you a different question: is this really about these two women alone, or are you trying to ask a particular question about all women, and you're just wording it in such a way that it appears you're only talking about these two women? To be perfectly honest, that's the only reason I can see anyone going to an online forum to ask why (you think) specifically two married women are hitting on you; by asking a narrow question, you are hoping to get a broader answer to satisfy a much broader question you don't want to ask directly. Even if that's not the case, let's pretend for a moment that you are asking that broader question for the sake of opening this discussion up more. If not for your sake, then for anyone else that encounters this "problem" and wants answers themselves.

I'm going to repeat what Maust said, but rephrase it sarcastically and make it my own, because I'm an asshole: "Breaking news from the International Headquarters of Science: women can be nice to men without wanting to get into their pants! Male scientists are baffled by this shocking revelation, and studies are ongoing to determine the cause of this incredibly outlandish behavior. Symptoms of this phenomenon include friendliness, light teasing when family members and even husbands are present, a warm smile, and other clearly unnatural behaviors. All of the onsite female scientists continue to sigh for reasons unknown". Yeah, I'm being an ass, but you see how silly it is, right? The idea that men take whatever friendly gestures or words from women and interpret that as some kind of invitation to bone each other is real, it happens a lot, and it's kinda dumb no matter how you look at it. You're going to have to accept the fact that women can engage in teasing conversations with men they are not married to (even if said women are married themselves), and you're going to have to respond to that in an appropriate way. You are not the morality police, and it is not your job to turn down friendly conversation with women just because they already have a man (or woman) to do that with. My advice is that, if you're ever teased with again, reciprocate. Entertain the fun while it lasts, then go your separate ways. If it turns more flirtatious, and she starts asking for a time after work to hang out, and you can clearly see that she is married, complete with wedding ring, I can't stress this enough, politely decline due to schedule/work issues, and that's all you have to do. There is no need to be outright rude and condemning for teasing of any sort.

I would like to remind you OP (and everyone else) that this is not just for you. I know with absolute certainty that a certain percentage of men think and behave exactly as you do. This could be for you if I was right in my overthinking and that this does truly apply to you, but moreover, it's for all the men out there that saw the title of this thread, got intrigued by the idea of wives flirting with men, and take that thought to what said men would assume to be its natural conclusion. More often than not, it is not the natural conclusion, and they are not correct, embarrassingly so. So calm down OP, and enjoy friendliness from the opposite sex that may belong to a husband or wife already. It's going to happen whether you want it to or not, so just have fun with it.
 

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I feel as though I should ask this particular question, because I feel that someone has to: why even bring this up? These are only two incidents, and frankly, they're very minor incidents at that. It's just another day in the life of FreeSpirit, so where is your question really coming from? Please forgive me, as I'm about overthink your own overthinking and ask you a different question: is this really about these two women alone, or are you trying to ask a particular question about all women, and you're just wording it in such a way that it appears you're only talking about these two women? To be perfectly honest, that's the only reason I can see anyone going to an online forum to ask why (you think) two married women are hitting on you; by asking a narrow question, you are hoping to get a broader answer to satisfy a much broader question you don't want to ask directly. Even if that's not the case, let's pretend for a moment that you are asking that broader question for the sake of opening this discussion up more. If not for your sake, then for anyone else that encounters this "problem" and wants answers themselves.

I going to repeat what Maust said, but rephrase it sarcastically and make it my own, because I'm an asshole: "Breaking news from the International Headquarters of Science: women can be nice to men without wanting to get into their pants! Male scientists are baffled by this shocking revelation, and studies are ongoing to determine the cause of this incredibly outlandish behavior. Symptoms of this phenomenon include friendliness, light teasing when family members and even husbands are present, a warm smile, and other clearly unnatural behaviors. All of the onsite female scientists continue to sigh for reasons unknown". Yeah, I'm being an ass, but you see how silly it is, right? The idea that men take whatever friendly gestures or words from women and interpret that as some kind of invitation to bone each other is real, it happens a lot, and it's kinda dumb no matter how you look at it. You're going to have to accept the fact that women can engage in teasing conversations with men they are not married to (even if said women are married themselves), and you're going to have to respond to that in an appropriate way. You are not the morality police, and it is not your job to turn down friendly conversation with women just because they already have a man (or woman) to do that with. My advice is that, if you're ever teased with again, reciprocate. Entertain the fun while it lasts, then go your separate ways. If it turns more flirtatious, and she starts asking for a time after work to hang out, and you can clearly see that she is married, complete with wedding ring, I can't stress this enough, politely decline due to schedule/work issues, and that's all you have to do. There is no need to be outright rude and condemning for teasing of any sort.

I would like to remind you OP (and everyone else) that this is not just for you. I know with absolute certainty that a certain percentage of men think and behave exactly as you do. This could be for you if I was right in my overthinking and that this does truly apply to you, but moreover, it's for all the men out there that saw the title of this thread, got intrigued by the idea of wives flirting with men, and taking that thought to what said men would assume to be its natural conclusion. More often than not, it is not the natural conclusion, and they are not correct, embarrassingly so. So calm down OP, and enjoy friendliness from the opposite sex that may belong to a husband or wife already. It's going to happen whether you want it to or not, so just have fun with it.
Why does everything need a good reason? Maybe to him it felt more significant than it seems to you from the outside.

You seriously need to chill.
 

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Yeah, to me it's just charm/friendliness. Especially that second scenario.

I basically do the same thing to people. Granted, I've never had anyone turn away paha.
 

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Why does everything need a good reason? Maybe to him it felt more significant than it seems to you from the outside.

You seriously need to chill.
Well, he did come here asking for a good reason for two very isolated and seemingly minor incidents, so a question for a question only seems fair.

Your second sentence comes off a bit unnecessarily rude when methodless madness made some very good points.
 

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Scenario #1: I can see how that would feel awkward in your shoes - especially since it seemed like she was in a bit of a trance there where she temporarily forgot she was staring at you and not her husband lol. That being said, since she was thinking of her husband in that moment and NOT you (marveling at the physical similarity), I would not consider that remotely flirtatious. Her husband's comment came off to me as more of a tease/joke rather than something meant to be taken literally. Sounded completely innocent. That was my impression of that one anyway.

Scenario #2: Even if she was being flirty, your response to her came off to me like "ouch!" Very cold and rude lol (even if this is not how you meant it). I feel bad for the lady because that probably made her feel quite dumb and like she did something wrong. No reason you can't be friendly and exchange light pleasantries with someone even if she was being a bit questionably flirty. That's not my idea of really crossing the line, personally. But that's just what I would have done in your shoes and I realize we're different people who think differently.
 

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I dunno, sometimes people have chemistry. Sometimes they're just being polite. And on rare occasions they're long lost soulmates from a past life who you reconnect with for four hours one evening at random before never seeing them again. These things happen.
I can relate to this and I agree. You cannot choose who you might connect with, only how you react to it.

Scenario #1: I know that when I am deeply in love with my partner, seeing attributes of them in other people can bring out a strange happiness. Sort of similar to hearing songs that remind you of them or something you shared. So if I see someone who has, say, similar hair... I'll think, "oh it's like [partner's name] hair" and think about how I love my partner and what I love about his hair. I am not in love or even necessarily attracted to the person who has the shared attribute but I think there is sort of that momentary nostalgia that makes me warm and fuzzy and I'm sure from the outside I possibly look like I have glittery anime eyes.

Scenario #2: from my experience, that is how some people make others feel welcome/comfortable. My sister is definitely like this and so is my coworker. In fact, today I was with my coworker when she was signing for a delivery. She told the UPS man "You smell nice today" and then there was an awkward beat where he didn't know what to do/say and he just turned and left. I know she wasn't flirting with him (that is just her personality) but I could also see how the UPS driver felt put on the spot and possibly like she was flirting with him. My sister, too. Her method of making people feel included can come off like flirting ("come over and hang out! This group isn't complete without someone who has such cute shoes!")

I can see how being put on the spot in those scenarios might've thrown you for a loop and perhaps that is where some of this confusion comes from. I know my Ni gets very crabby when something unexpected/unfamiliar happens. Actually, when I'm caught off-guard, I can have the uncomfortable reaction just as much as I can be the weirdo saying the weird thing that sounded unintentionally flirtatious.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. At the very least just take them both as strange, uncomfortable compliments. And as your reaction shows, you are probably not going to do anything dubious if you were faced with the actual scenario of a married woman propositioning you. Perhaps the fact that you found them attractive bothered you on a minor level.
 

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Well, he did come here asking for a good reason for two very isolated and seemingly minor incidents, so a question for a question only seems fair.

Your second sentence comes off a bit unnecessarily rude when methodless madness made some very good points.
Really? Because to me it seemed a lot more pathos-inspired and judgmental than necessary.
 

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I would probably call that 'teasing' rather than 'flirting. But it's all a bit of a grey area...

Some types naturally come across as flirtatious when they're not intentionally being flirtatious, like ENFPs. When ENFPs are actually interested, they become a little more shy and bashful, in my experience. Others will intentionally flirt by teasing, so there is plausible deniability, in case the other isn't interested.

ETA I also agree with Maust below. My first impression of those women's gestures were that they were just friendliness. I was only analysing theoretically in different scenarios, rather than specifically yours.

For me, teasing is a way of showing affection, not usually romantic.
True on ENFP girls. I would get shy and blushy when I liked someone.
When I was reading this post I was thinking to myself: "Dang, all things I would say and just think I was being ironic or funny-- I would never think anyone would wonder if I was flirting. I mean, I'm 40 and I've got my daughter with me for Pete's sake! And for the one girl her husband was right there! She just thought it was slightly funny/ironic. What damage do I do when I think something is REALLY funny or ironic? LOL The lady with daughter was just being kind. How many times a day do I DO this to somebody? LOL
 

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They weren't red flags. Neither of those scenarios meant anything at all. Even if they found you attractive and decided to tease you, so what? It doesn't mean anything. I would suggest trying to not overthink social situations so much and to generally interact with people in a normal and friendly way. That will probably help you the most with keeping hours at your job. Given your posting history, though, (which many of us are quite familiar with by now) I wouldn't be too optimistic about you changing your behavior without professional help. You've been carrying on the same way for probably your whole life, with limited ability for self-reflection (most people suck at changing their behavior without outside intervention.)
 

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Really? Because to me it seemed a lot more pathos-inspired and judgmental than necessary.
It was definitely intuition-based, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking. Intuition is often right. I think you might be reading judgment into it when it was actually just a question.
 
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Discussion Starter #17
They weren't red flags. Neither of those scenarios meant anything at all. Even if they found you attractive and decided to tease you, so what? It doesn't mean anything. I would suggest trying to not overthink social situations so much and to generally interact with people in a normal and friendly way. That will probably help you the most with keeping hours at your job. Given your posting history, though, (which many of us are quite familiar with by now) I wouldn't be too optimistic about you changing your behavior without professional help. You've been carrying on the same way for probably your whole life, with limited ability for self-reflection (most people suck at changing their behavior without outside intervention.)
omg I hate this site now, holy smokes.. firstly, I never overthought the situation; that's literally what I thought and how I reacted instantly..

I was just posting my thoughts about these scenarios.

I have no social issues, and am actually super comfortable in human interaction, relationships etc and I certainly don't need any "professional help" my goodness..

even then I am strongly against psychiatry/psychology and see it as a corrupt system and a deception filled with lies..

and I know many, many others feel this way.
 

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The impression that I get from what you're describing is that your loneliness and need for romantic love is making you interpret women that you find attractive as being interested in you. The reason why you're writing about it on this forum is because you need to have your interpretation withstand logical scrutiny, because you can't carry out the requisite amount of self-criticism on your own. You need this criticism because you won't be able to bring yourself to act on the theory otherwise.

The first scenario stands out to me as cruel. What I see is a couple that has decided to make fun of you because they are utterly convinced that the woman in the relationship could never actually be attracted to you. The husband knows this and is perfectly happy to play along. If this is anywhere near right, these people do not respect you. You should probably not spend time with them if you can avoid it.

Lots of people in this thread have taken you to interpret these women as being attracted by you because you're starved for sex. This would be common behaviour, but I don't see that here. I see someone who's experiencing a surge of optimism in light of the prospect of having attracted someone. Your interest in this does not stem from getting laid, but from a desire to feel desired. Accordingly, when you say that you find this behaviour unattractive, you lie. That statement is an artefact of your suppressed function, intended to hide the obvious in plain sight in order to avoid possible embarrassment.

Insofar as any of the above is correct, I feel for you. However, although I do not share the view of the people who've interpreted you as merely looking for sex (to begin with, I seriously struggle to see an INFJ doing such a thing), you should not interpret flirtatious behaviour as a sign of relationship dissatisfaction. These things are unrelated to many people, and especially so in the case of extroverted individuals.
 

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hahahaha what

You're wayyyyyyyy overthinking this. Wayyyyyyyyyyyy. Overthinking. This.

Women can be friendly to you without wanting to fuck you. :) As a woman who puts up with men constantly thinking I want to fuck them (I gave some guy directions today and he immediately responded by hitting on me), this is false.
I live in the good ol' south where women (especially in the service industry) are very care free and casual with words of endearment. Not once have I ever thought that it was because they were flirting.

There's too many incels these days that have had little to no contact with women outside of porn and it shows.

I have no social issues, and am actually super comfortable in human interaction
Your own self-reported behaviour suggests otherwise.
 
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