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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
How do you handle men who put you on a pedestal?

Yeah, I realize that a lot of people these days still believe in chivalry and believe that men SHOULD treat women like queens. But personally? I'm an independent adult human being and I can carry my own heavy objects, change my own car's tires, and take care of myself. If I need help, I am capable of asking. I actually once embarrassed a man at the pet store who insisted I, for whatever reason, needed help when I had my arms full with a 40 pound bag of dog food in one arm, and a 30 pound bucket of cat litter in the other that I was carrying to the register. I handed him the cat litter, and he nearly dropped it, and ended up struggling with two hands to carry it to the register.

So then I'm torn between insisting I pay for my own movie tickets and dinner, and taking advantage of this undeserved charity being bestowed upon me simply for what is between my legs (or maybe whats not, idk).

I'm honestly not sure I'd even be compatible with somebody so chivalrous. Simple kindness is one thing. Like opening doors. You should do that regardless of one's gender. Or if you see somebody struggling, offer help. But to ask or insist simply because she's a woman? Treat me like an equal. Not like an inferior or superior.
 

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I don't think i've ever been put on a pedestal as a female... men do not open doors for me or pay for dinner or things like that. I have no notion of gender roles because I don't really experience any differentiation at all. In fact i've rarely experienced it. I don't wait for any person (male or female) do do things for me, and that includes initiating friendships and relationships. I don't have set expectations for males and females.

It amazes me that women actually experience this... I don't really get preferential treatment from males because of my sex/gender. Perhaps i'm seen more favourably, but i've never had a guy buy me a drink or a movie ticket or anything like that. And I don't expect it either.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
Thats actually kind of surprising to me.

Then again, I get it the most when somebody just wants me as a girlfriend or wants me in bed just based on physical appearance alone. Needless to say, I'm not impressed.

But there are still others like the man from the pet store. I was not struggling and he didn't even ask. He decided I needed help and insisted, and tbh, I find it to be quite rude.
 

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My ex's behavior was like the example described..

I couldn't carry my own backpack up to his condo without him yelling, "Leave it there! I'll move your stuff up when I park the car!" Or "A man always pays." I insisted on helping him pay for things, but he came from a very traditional -gender-defined family where the woman was always catered to, and no matter how much I tried to change that, it wouldn't.

Some people were raised to be that way, and that's how they function as a pair. One needs to be the damsel and dependent one, while the other one is the masculine and independent one who does everything.

I felt like I wasn't able to be myself, because we were so defined in those roles that it stopped feeling authentic. It was constant surveillance- not even being able to get out of the shower without being made sure that I could get out from the shower door okay. I know I'm a clutz, but yah- it started to feel suffocating, and placed me at a very obscure position.

I dated another ex who was completely my equal, but insisted on doing what the recent ex did. His style was more like no strings attached- kind and genuine, throw in a little bit of humor, and not based on gender-roles or tradition, but more so on enjoying the moment and wanting to take care of me, because I took care of him too. It felt natural, and I didn't feel like I owed him anything.

Discrete power imbalance is definitely there when the lack of concern for really getting to know a person for who they 'are,' instead of what they're supposed to be or do because it's their role/duty (or what's to be expected- that stereotype- men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love). In other words, I can enjoy being pampered only if there is a balance of some kind of genuine give and take- my caring for you and your caring for me is essential, "we're in it together" kind of thing. If that makes sense. =]
 

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Yeah, I definitely understand what you mean. I like it when someone treats me with courtesy, or occasionally pays for something...but then again, I enjoy doing those things for other people. It bothered me when my ex insisted on always paying for food, because I ended up eating less than I would have if I'd felt comfortable ordering whatever I wanted.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Yeah, I definitely understand what you mean. I like it when someone treats me with courtesy, or occasionally pays for something...but then again, I enjoy doing those things for other people. It bothered me when my ex insisted on always paying for food, because I ended up eating less than I would have if I'd felt comfortable ordering whatever I wanted.
Yeah. Common courtesy is lacking. But I agree. I'm like that with a couple of my female friends. We sometimes take turns paying for lunch (since its often unplanned/last minute and one of us is short on cash or didn't bring any), or we'll buy each other little things that we know the other would like. Its not one sided at all and I'd probably be a lot more comfortable in a relationship with guy if that could be how things operated.
 

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Thats actually kind of surprising to me.

Then again, I get it the most when somebody just wants me as a girlfriend or wants me in bed just based on physical appearance alone. Needless to say, I'm not impressed.

But there are still others like the man from the pet store. I was not struggling and he didn't even ask. He decided I needed help and insisted, and tbh, I find it to be quite rude.
Like the old saying goes "with great attractiveness comes great unwanted attention" but I guess men were trained the hotter the woman the more "nicer" they should be to her. But look at the bright side once you start aging and those looks start to fade, you'll notice men will pay less and less attention to you.

So chin up girl, only like 20 years to go :blushed:
 

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Heh, I wouldn't do that. Not even with the girls who give me tunnelvision.
I do, however, put the girl I love on a pedestal. In my head, it's either her
or nothing. I don't get why that's a bad thing, but, yeah, norms, I don't
get norms. Me and love does not go hand in hand.
 

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Thats actually kind of surprising to me.

Then again, I get it the most when somebody just wants me as a girlfriend or wants me in bed just based on physical appearance alone. Needless to say, I'm not impressed.

But there are still others like the man from the pet store. I was not struggling and he didn't even ask. He decided I needed help and insisted, and tbh, I find it to be quite rude.
Heh, I walk through the shopping center on a daily basis struggling with numerous shopping bags, and people just look at me like, huh?

I don't really get approached by guys, which is probably because I look like a 12 year old boy :tongue:
 

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I don't dig on the pedestal treatment. No one deserves better treatment than anyone else, imo.
 

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I actually once embarrassed a man at the pet store who insisted I, for whatever reason, needed help when I had my arms full with a 40 pound bag of dog food in one arm, and a 30 pound bucket of cat litter in the other that I was carrying to the register.
That's hawt.


So then I'm torn between insisting I pay for my own movie tickets and dinner, and taking advantage of this undeserved charity being bestowed upon me simply for what is between my legs (or maybe whats not, idk).
When I take a girl out, seriously, the last thing on my mind is sex. Not every guy that wants to pay your ticket is going for the goods. If you simply don't feel comfortable with someone purchasing your ticket, say so. If you have a good read on the guy and realize he is just doing it out of the goodness of his heart, let him. :happy: There are guys out there that want to do things for the ladies and expect nothing in return.
 

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I've lost count on how many times I've heard the "I have a boyfriend"-comment.
And I always hear it from women I do NOT find attractive.
As if they weren't unnattractive enough they had to go ahead and think I was trying to get into their ugly ass pants... just because I gave them five seconds of my attention.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
That's hawt.




When I take a girl out, seriously, the last thing on my mind is sex. Not every guy that wants to pay your ticket is going for the goods. If you simply don't feel comfortable with someone purchasing your ticket, say so. If you have a good read on the guy and realize he is just doing it out of the goodness of his heart, let him. :happy: There are guys out there that want to do things for the ladies and expect nothing in return.
Thanks I guess XD

And yeah, I realize that not all men are sex crazed monsters that want in my pants.

I just feel like equality would be difficult to achieve in a relationship that operates like that, that revolves around me being special because I'm female, or deserving special treatment or extra respect only on those grounds. I'm not a delicate little flower, I'm not going to break. I want a guy who can treat me like that, who lets me decide what I'm capable and not capable of doing, who isn't afraid of hurting my feelings. I want respect beyond the basic respect you give a stranger if I deserve it, not on a baseless fact.
 

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Word, woman. I always make it clear I'm independent and damn well capable of carrying my own shit. I don't think any men actually believe women need the help, but I think they think that us women find that kind of chivalry attractive. And some women do. However, I take pride in being able to carry heavy things. I couldn't care less if he held out my chair or whatever. I might laugh in his face for being so old-fashioned, but I wouldn't think less of him for it.

On another interpretation of the topic... I really dislike being put on an emotional pedestal as well. It's never attractive for me to hear from a guy that I'm all he can think about. Really? Me, of all people? It just makes me look down on him, because I'm really not that great, so it's clear either he has a seriously sad life or that the golden halo he thinks he sees on my head is distracting him from who I really am.

Then again, I'm a total hypocrite for saying it, because when I first "fall" for a guy they're generally all I can think about. However, it's different when you understand that this obsession is just a phase and that you know there's probably some flaws you'll be realizing he has later. As opposed to truly believing he's "the one" after you made small talk at work one day. :frustrating:
 

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I thought you were referring to other types of pedestals, like treating you like some kind of goddess (>that< is really problematic). As for chilvalry, I do not mind so much. I accept it when men open doors or help me in case I truly need it - I like to encourage politeness. But I make very clear that won't get them anywhere near my panties. And when there is money involved (like paying the bill, instead of acts of politeness) unless I know the man well and or we are in a serious relationship, I don't allow it at all. I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea they can buy me. But in the situations previously mentioned, I do not feel offended, I quite encourage them - it is hard to find true gentlemen nowadays, that do such for pure education, instead of ulterior motives.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
The only reason I class chivalry as putting women on a pedestal is because it pretty much is. Its kindness bestowed upon a lady for...being a lady.

I'm all for common courtesy though. If somebody has their hands full, you should open the door for them regardless of gender. If you get to the door first or you're closer to the handle, you open it and hold it open for the person behind you, regardless of whether they're male or female.
 

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The only reason I class chivalry as putting women on a pedestal is because it pretty much is. Its kindness bestowed upon a lady for...being a lady.

I'm all for common courtesy though. If somebody has their hands full, you should open the door for them regardless of gender. If you get to the door first or you're closer to the handle, you open it and hold it open for the person behind you, regardless of whether they're male or female.
I agree about the common courtesy. I tend to practice it with everyone too.

But I do not see chilvalry as being put in a pedestal, I consider it an act of politeness. I believe we disagree in that because I do not like to be treated as an equal when I think men and women are not, or at least, I don't think I am. While in some cases I can handle my supermarket pack well, sometimes it is too heavy for me, while it is not heavy at all for my husband, so why not let him take it? Also, if I am standing and suffering from period pains and a guy give me his seat so it is less painful for me, I see it as an act of politeness and I appreciate it. I do not mind those. I understand that some women mind them, or don't think they need them, but some do. The same apply for older people, which I think deserve more of this treatment, since things are a bigger effort for them. To summarize, I think equality is to treat the equals as equals when they are equals and differently when and in the aspects they are different. I hope I made sense.

In any case, I don't think you should feel awckward or bothered by acts of chilvary... even if you don't need them. Sometimes they come just out of politeness.
 
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