Worries about sex...

There's no rush and no reason to do anything because you feel embarrassed. Some people, and I'm one of them, just need an emotional attachment before having sex or it doesn't feel right. I would recommend being honest with your partners about how you feel about it. You don't need an excuse if you don't want to do it.

Sex creates quite a bit of emotional baggage good or bad. If you try to have it when you aren't ready, and don't enjoy it, it will become more difficult to do so or want to do so inthe future because you have associated it with a negative experience.

If you do decide you want to in the future, make sure you are with someone who can go at your pace and is understanding to your apprehension. That will make all the difference in the world when you know if you say stop, they'll do so and not berate you for it. Sometimes a bit of trust needs to be cultivated before you can leave yourself so vulnerable.

skycloud86 said:

I'm male, but I think this advice is still useful to you - if a man isn't willing to wait for you, he isn't worth it, no matter how young or old you are.

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Exactly. If a guy dumps you because you wont have sex with him. What does that say about him? Find someone who cares about you enough to wait until you're ready.

In the end, a man should be able to wait...though, don't keep him waiting "too" long as in years, because that can be very stressful on a man's anatomy and also, his willpower. I went six years with my ex...didn't get any at all in the end and it kinda played into my resentment of her and led into the downfall of the relationship.

Though I do agree men should wait, however long, there is such a thing as being ridiculous and expecting him to "hold out forever", this would be more complicated if you told him not to masturbate, as sometimes, men just...get that way while being close to you in other ways that isn't sex.


Hopefully this helps a little, also...male's perspective.

skycloud86 said:

I'm male, but I think this advice is still useful to you - if a man isn't willing to wait for you, he isn't worth it, no matter how young or old you are.

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This. Hand down.

Nobody wants to end up feeling used, so if you feel like thats what a guy is trying to do, then you shouldn't feel pressured to have sex. There are plenty of guys out there. You deserve a gentleman who will treat you right and respect your feelings and desires. Not a jerk that treats women like blow up sex dolls.

Quin Sabe said:

Don't feel like you have to have sex with someone, you don't. everyone should respect that decision.
Skycloud, nailed it.

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I am the only one shallow enough to disagree?

I mean a dry relationship is fine and all, up and too the extend of 4 months, after which, you're gonna have to start doing someting 0_0

I mean, it's not like love is gonna last forever.

Remember, love is the ruse you believe in, holding the promise of sex.
...if there is no eventual sex, there is no love.

I didn't write the rules. I'm just spraying it as it is.
*thinks violent watery errectile purges

:mellow:

It's all about sexual compatibility. Sex is an important part of a relationship, even in the lack thereof. No, you should never have sex if you don't want to. If that causes resentment in the other party, thenthe relationship is not healthy. Sex needs to be spoken about openly and honestly between partners.

Antithesis said:

This is going to sound quite stupid but I'll try anyway:

I'm terrified at the prospect of having sex again. I keep thinking the next time I'm in a relationship he'll get fed up of waiting and dump me. I'm not averse to anything else, but I wasn't ready to go all the way before and I didn't really like it. The whole thing sounds ridiculous when I write it down as I'm almost 19, not a child. I don't feel like I have the 'excuse' as such of being a virgin any more. I'm worried it'll end up being even worse than before as I'm now terribly apprehensive of the pain. The last time, I was just lying there praying that he would finish soon (and acting like I enjoyed it in the hope of hurrying him up).

Anybody fancy giving some helpful big sister advice?

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You'll really want to do it when you meet someone you really like. Don't try to force the feelings, they're there or they're not. If they're not, walk the hell away. There's nothing wrong with you, you're just not attracted enough to that person.

Thanks for all the help guys

I guess what it actually comes down to is that I'm terrified of being raped. On three separate occasions guys have either tried or threatened to rape me and this was before any guy ever asked me out or even admitted to thinking I was fit or whatever. Part of my saying yes to that guy was out of curiosity, but I think part of it was also because life up to that point had taught me that 'no' didn't work and so I didn't dare try. I thought that I'd rather give in than be made to do it.

God I sound like such a depressing person saying this!

That sounds like a definite reason not to do anything. To wait until you're comfortable enough with a man to be able to talk to him about why it's hard for you. The first test if he's worth it is that he'll wait, knowing that you need to be comfortable first, the second test is that he'll be compassionate and open to helping you through your anxieties about it in the way that works for you.

Sorry, this is another male perspective... Hope it helps anyway.

Merov said:

I am the only one shallow enough to disagree?

I mean a dry relationship is fine and all, up and too the extend of 4 months, after which, you're gonna have to start doing someting 0_0

I mean, it's not like love is gonna last forever.

Remember, love is the ruse you believe in, holding the promise of sex.
...if there is no eventual sex, there is no love.

I didn't write the rules. I'm just spraying it as it is.
*thinks violent watery errectile purges

:mellow:

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Well yes and no, I would think if everything is going great it would feel right and the fear would mostly subside, or she would want to push through it. As within four months I think that might be pushing it for a home run for a good number of people, you can still do other things beside sex. I agree that it should happen in a good long term relationship if both parties really love each other. In this case I would have to agree with the saying love casts out fear. (but then again this lifetime bachelor speaking........)