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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I have the basic fear of not being social enough, or seen as social (maybe the real fear is not being accepted as how I am, and therefore feeling the need to be social)

Probably a lot of people will call me crazy for this, some have, because I can really be a social guy and talk to everyone. However I feel I have a lack of friends I really connect with (are single as well or are in the same stage of life)

I know I can solve this by joining more clubs etc. But the problem I want to address here is. I always feel the need of presenting myself as a social guy (because that is how the world likes to see me). Now I started dating this really pops up because I dont like to be seen as a unsocial (I am not, I also like being social) and therefore feel the need of creating an social image of myself. For example telling I did more social things in the weekend then I actually did. Maybe it is also to create a little bit of alpha image.

It probably relates a lot to selfesteem and is probably not right, because I am decent looking/height (30 years old), good job/education, house/car, friendly, as an INTP interesting stories etc. Just this point of the need to be social is not working for me.

Is there someone who knows were I am talking about, and could help me?
 

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I have the basic fear of not being social enough, or seen as social (maybe the real fear is not being accepted as how I am, and therefore feeling the need to be social)

Probably a lot of people will call me crazy for this, some have, because I can really be a social guy and talk to everyone. However I feel I have a lack of friends I really connect with (are single as well or are in the same stage of life)

I know I can solve this by joining more clubs etc. But the problem I want to address here is. I always feel the need of presenting myself as a social guy (because that is how the world likes to see me). Now I started dating this really pops up because I dont like to be seen as a unsocial (I am not, I also like being social) and therefore feel the need of creating an social image of myself. For example telling I did more social things in the weekend then I actually did. Maybe it is also to create a little bit of alpha image.

It probably relates a lot to selfesteem and is probably not right, because I am decent looking/height (30 years old), good job/education, house/car, friendly, as an INTP interesting stories etc. Just this point of the need to be social is not working for me.

Is there someone who knows were I am talking about, and could help me?
My 2 cents,

It's not bad to 'want to be' what one is not. (refering to the alpha image getting it all right).
However, if it makes you do stuff , you don't like, because you feel you have to , because you 'don't like to be seen as unsocial', it becomes a self esteem issue, as you put.
It is of little importance of how 'you are seen'. I wonder if it is , just you 'thinking that', or actually enforced by others 'telling you so'.

If you want my advise? If you don't feel like your current approach is productive, or helpful, quit it. Don't go and 'socialise' because you feel your image is hurt, go because you want to (or, don't go if not.)
Be you, not your image.

edit : and stop refering to the alpha image being it all. It's hollywoodthinking.
 

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For example telling I did more social things in the weekend then I actually did. Maybe it is also to create a little bit of alpha image.?
You are ashamed. No wonder.

Accept who you are, present yourself honestly, be proud of your deficiencies - some people like this, you know. And honestly, being a sensitive man myself, I want to attract the people who are drawn to my awkward features. It means you have got something in common as well. You can't keep up the image of what you are not, because if you try, degression (i.e. the evolution back to your natural state) is bound.
 

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I don't think it's a self-esteem issues, since you're clearly not feeling inferior in any way and you have proven yourself capable of fulfilling this ideal. It just boils down to the fact that you place a great importance on the social value of being a social person.

It's like public decency, the normal person understands the social requirement for it and doesn't like to be seen as indecent, and most easily fulfill this ideal without giving it much thought, some people who fall short of it will try to explain or make up for the lack of it. To you, you are aware of your placing importance on being a social person, and even though you know you can fulfill it easily, it gives you a wee bit of anxiety, which is okay. Like benign palpitations, just because you notice them doesn't mean something is wrong.

Think about it this way, you can be a lot worse. For example, the people who are doing this unconsciously, blindly self-pressured into being someone they are not but desperately Want to be, constantly self-smothered by the anxiety of possible failure. Poor souls can't even recognize what they're doing, can't even try to stop themselves. Ignorance isn't always bliss. Like the self-pressure to achieve academic success, you just unfortunately obsessed yourself with something that is very dependent on other people.
 

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Having self-awareness matters in whatever you do. You will learn when you want to socialize and when you don't. When you don't, if you care about yourself, you will have boundaries of when you should leave. This means that you should care about your own health, energy, and inner resources, despite what other people think. Otherwise, you will run behind the crowd---trying to catch up on a perpetual treadmill, eventually burning out.

Do what is good for you. You want to present this image of yourself as social all the time. You're a human, not a Facebook profile. You should be honest with yourself. If you're talking about all the social things you have done to impress people, you're lying to them and yourself. This ultra-social alpha male image is a delusion, a persona. A pretense. Be yourself, not another media illusion of happiness. If you want to socialize and tell people about it, actually do it. Be consistent between what you do and what you say. To most people, however, that won't happen. They compromise their self-worth to be pleasing to others until they eventually lose themselves.
 

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I relate a lot to this!
All my life, I've felt like I've constantly had my social life put on trial by everyone around me, so I get super defensive about it. As long as I'm around people that accept introversion and mind their own business, I feel content with my social life. But there are always certain people (currently my boss) that see it as a major personality flaw and can't seem to mind their own business about it.
My boss used to nag me about why I didn't go on break with my coworkers (because they punch out and buy lunch and I like to save money!) or why I didn't attend an event on the weekend that my other coworkers went to (I was new and didn't feel like it?). She once went as far as asking if I was antisocial in front of my coworkers.
Now that I've had time to get to know everyone, I'm talkative, funny, and friendly. Instead of her realizing that I've always been that way, I just needed time to get to know people, she likes to tell me, "I'm so proud that you've come out of your shell!" "I just love to see you blossom!" *Gaggg*
At least before I could be offended. Now I have to smile and accept the backhanded compliment.

I just get so sick of having to defend myself for something that isn't that big of a deal. And especially since all this keeps coming from the same person, I'm angry that she feels the need to remind me over and over again that she thinks there's something wrong with me.
 

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If you enjoy socializing, then heck, go out and get them.

You build connections by hanging out with people more. Talk to those friends and try to find out more about them, they might surprise you.
 

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I used to be this way. I would try to put out this act of being more "social" than I was. Thing is it wasn't me and it wasn't comfortable to put on any acts. I have rare moments when I'm extremely social, but it's where I sometimes visit, not where I live. I later found being me had it's own charm, at least to some people. I'm not necessarily overly talkative, but on occasion throw out some wit. I'm not out there a lot, but can give some insight. I'm not that approachable, but the thoughtful, half-brooding comes natural and works in it's own way.

So, don't force anything, and you'll be fine.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thanks a lot for all the responses. Deep inside I know I should leave the image and identify with who I truly am and get used to (dare to fight) the feeling of missing acceptance, but such a fear is probably a challenge for more people.

Now we are discussing basic fears. What are your basic fears that are influencing your behavior?
 

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Age is important my friend , we are late blossom , we need to keep improving elements is our personality to be healthy .
Physical activity is important cause make us connect to the world ( we are always in our mind ) and make us more atractive to the opposite sex.
 

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I understand exactly what you are talking about. I think that INTPs have the lifelong experience of feeling different from other people, and because we also want to understand everything, it can develop into a habit of constantly comparing ourselves to others socially to try to figure out why or how we are different. This can turn into a really self-defeating self-consciousness.
In my experience, the way to cope with our social difference is a combination of 3 things— try hard to find and keep a few close friends who understand you and have similar interests; fairly consistently push yourself to socialize with other people on their own terms (but not to exhaustion/distraction), because the reality is that this is the only way to connect with most humans, who are definitely not NTs; and third, immerse yourself in interesting projects/entertainment that remind you that you actually enjoy being alone. The fact is that most people are not that interesting or good! And this is why the introverts have an advantage. We can entertain ourselves. PS it sounds like maybe that woman you’re dating isn’t your type, if you have to pretend...
 

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I don't think it's possible for an intp man to be The Alpha.
I like the idea, but then I want the group I'm the "alpha" of to remain just me. That way I don't have to explain myself to anyone(a lie, I sometimes force myself to explain), or have any unnecessary conflict(another lie, I often have internal conflict, and I'll avoid disucssing it with myself because he forces me to explain) .
 

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Now we are discussing basic fears. What are your basic fears that are influencing your behavior?
I would say fear of mountain lions specifically at night. I don't run on the trails that drop down into the wilderness at night because that's usually when the mountain lions are out hunting and I'm afraid of being seen as prey when I'm running by. I'll hike at night, but they say running brings out their predator instinct.

Stupid thing is this may have to do with me playing Red Dead Redemption years ago. The character would be just moving through the wilderness and out of nowhere, those things would be on you. I noticed myself looking for mountain lions in the real wilderness after that.
 

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Thanks a lot for all the responses. Deep inside I know I should leave the image and identify with who I truly am and get used to (dare to fight) the feeling of missing acceptance, but such a fear is probably a challenge for more people.

Now we are discussing basic fears. What are your basic fears that are influencing your behavior?
All the "shoulds" are misleading as soon as they are meant as objective, universal, all-applying.

What I mean is: your "shoulds" are defined by your aspirations.
Some things are out of your reach no matter your effort and will-power; among the rest, many can be reached through paths that will lead you farther from others. As you see... it's about choices — none of which comes with no price attached to it.

The soul ("being yourself") and the mask ("being what the others will treat and judge better") are the opposite ends of a continuum. You are a point, standing on that continuum.
You can, to an extent, position yourself where you desire.
Just reach a clear-minded awareness of what the rewards, and feeds to pay and costs, are for every position.

Acceptance (of your persona, not your person) has a taste; not leaving your person, and not even setting-up a persona, has a taste; each of the in-between positions in the middle of those 2 extremes has a taste.
Find what taste is the best for your palate.
 
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Although I'm alone most of the time, I feel like I am already connected with life in general. So, there's no need to go to parties or join clubs, unless it's something I'm actually interested in.

I live comfortably, with food, water, etc. What else is necessary? Nothing. People run around, forcing themselves to collect things like relationships, experience, memories, etc because other people tell them this is how they should live. I don't buy it. If I am interested in a relationship, then I'll go for it. If I'm not, then I'll do nothing. In the external world, I have to follow the rules so that I can obtain housing, food, water, etc. But, in my internal world, it's a dictatorship, and I am the dictator. In this dictatorship, I burn up all the concepts that people try to sell me for lolz.

So, what I think is that your problem is a non-problem, just like most other people's problems.
 

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I had it up until high school, this appearing more social than I was
In college I kind of gave up on people having little success in finding relationships where I could relate to the other person, among other things. So it went away

Many years later I am again acting more social than I need to be
But this time it is less about appearing interesting or being liked, than it is about what is appropriate. For example, certain interactions do need a little more oomph but not so much I put myself aside. To my surprise actually, I find a lot of success not being so social. People do not need it as much as I had thought. (However in a different job I had, I did find it would be more helpful if I was relocated)

In recent years I have also been learning about what is appropriate for myself. As an infj I actually always blamed it on the Fe/ extraverted feeling lol. Which is the second function.

(I am not in my 20s... :tongues: fyi )
 

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I don't think it's possible for an intp man to be The Alpha.
There you go limiting yourself to preconceived notion such as one on the MBTI. A true intellectual, high iq, profound, abstract INTP would not limit himself to such labels and preconceived notions that mean little on an extremely flexible test. Keep sticking to the norm like the lackluster individual you are.
 

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There you go limiting yourself to preconceived notion such as one on the MBTI. A true intellectual, high iq, profound, abstract INTP would not limit himself to such labels and preconceived notions that mean little on an extremely flexible test. Keep sticking to the norm like the lackluster individual you are.
A big part of being an alpha male is having an emotional energy about you that inspires other men to want to follow and submit. Does that sound anywhere close to an intp?
 
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