Would like to hear your thoughts on a confusing friendship with an INTP

573 Views 8 Replies 8 Participants Last post by Megaminx, Oct 23, 2017

intuitivisions

Discussion Starter · Oct 19, 2017

So the thing is - I have this friend - we used to like each other and were sort of dating several years ago, but then things ended abruptly - he found a girlfriend in someone who was his best friend. We would still rarely meet and have deep conversations, he started to express regret and left his girlfriend for me, but already had plans to leave the continent for a couple of months. When he came back we had sex and afterwards I felt frightened (which I never explained to him) and started to avoid him, he renewed relationship with his former girlfriend and we stopped communicating for a while. Naturally we started to talk again, met a couple of times and had sex (this time he cheated on his girlfriend) and after a couple of days I said that I want to be with him and he said that he needs to be single. He initiated for us to meet and to talk about everything, but somehow we did not meet and again stopped communicating. A year or more passed, he now is together with the same girl he was then, we're talking again, this time I hope we will be strictly platonic, cause his intellect and insights have an immense value. Just the other day we met and were sitting and talking about some philosophical stuff, he then rested his head on my shoulder, hugged me for a long time and was holding my hands. It was innocent and tender, and maybe it only seemed romantic to me because we have a past. I realised it only after, that actually maybe that was not appropriate and there needs to be some boundaries for the sake of everyone. What would be his motivation behind actions like these? Why would he be so cuddly? What do you think about this overall? I could really use some objectivity.

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Twichl

· #2 · Oct 19, 2017

He sounds like an ass to me, playing both fields. If I were you I would have just let this relationship go a long time ago. It will hurt, but it would get you out of this cycle of being used and being left.
If you won't cut him out of your life then yes, set boundaries and stick to them. Platonic friends don't act so intimately.

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islandlight

· #3 · Oct 19, 2017

He's doing it because he can. I don't like being friendly with exes, no matter how much intellect and insights (or other useful or attractive qualities) they have.

But if you really want to keep him in your life, it's up to you to draw the boundaries. It's really quite easy to do--just a few words, like "Please, no hugs." If he challenges your decision in any way, it might be time to end the friendship. Good luck!

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LanceyLance

· #4 · Oct 22, 2017

End the friendship. I've done something similar to what he is doing, simply because I wasn't sure on what I wanted. In the end I hurt the other person deeply, and so I advise before the situation gets worse to just leave each other alone or attempt to communicate and if he doesn't want to then goodbye. Because it's most likely not going to stop.

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Sillyasuarus

· #5 · Oct 22, 2017

It's confusing. Good relationships aren't confusing.

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Megaminx

· #6 · Oct 22, 2017

He is a liar and a cheater and that has nothing to do with his personality type. He is probably also hiding you because he has to, since he has an official girlfriend. Someone who is hiding you is just not worth your time. I doubt that you really want to be his friend. Just leave him for good or have an openly exclusive relationship if both of you want to. Or would you be okay with being someone's affair?

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BranchMonkey

· #7 · Oct 22, 2017 (Edited)

intuitivisions wrote: Would like to hear your thoughts on a confusing friendship with an INTP
So the thing is - I have this friend - we used to like each other and were sort of dating several years ago, but then things ended abruptly - he found a girlfriend in someone who was his best friend. We would still rarely meet and have deep conversations, he started to express regret and left his girlfriend for me, but already had plans to leave the continent for a couple of months. When he came back we had sex and afterwards I felt frightened (which I never explained to him) and started to avoid him, he renewed relationship with his former girlfriend and we stopped communicating for a while. Naturally we started to talk again, met a couple of times and had sex (this time he cheated on his girlfriend) and after a couple of days I said that I want to be with him and he said that he needs to be single. He initiated for us to meet and to talk about everything, but somehow we did not meet and again stopped communicating.

A year or more passed, he now is together with the same girl he was then, we're talking again, this time I hope we will be strictly platonic, cause his intellect and insights have an immense value. Just the other day we met and were sitting and talking about some philosophical stuff, he then rested his head on my shoulder, hugged me for a long time and was holding my hands. It was innocent and tender, and maybe it only seemed romantic to me because we have a past. I realised it only after, that actually maybe that was not appropriate and there needs to be some boundaries for the sake of everyone. What would be his motivation behind actions like these? Why would he be so cuddly? What do you think about this overall? I could really use some objectivity.

Whenever he wants whatever it is he does it: And 'it' happens to be sex according to his schedule.

That isn't a 'platonic friend,' or in my book any kind of person to have as a friend, although I do understand and empathize with the pull of intellectual/psychological satisfaction:

You may have to wait a long time to get anything akin to that aspect of the relationship with someone else but considering how you never know when it will abruptly be cut-off, you'll be in control this time if you take charge and end it, and don't look back.

Hard to do? Yes.

Possible? Yes.

End it.

Then you'll be in a better place for the right friend or sexual/romantic relationship.

As is, you're being pulled, and allowing yourself to be pulled, in conflicting directions, which can't be good for your life over all--not just regarding this particular relationship.

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nebula_

· #8 · Oct 23, 2017

He could just be extremely indecisive and emotionally tormented, but he seems to take advantage of both your availability and his girlfriend's. I doubt there could be any true boundaries in your relationship since you've gone beyond the stage of platonic contact, even if you tried. As you said, you have a common past and that cannot be taken away by physical distances.

He appears to me as avoidant, whether regarding the issue of his dual love/sex life, moral responsibility or boundaries in general. It might just all come from a communication gap between the two of you, but it looks like you've already tried to initiate a conversation to find a solution, without him actually relaunching it. The longer you wait the harder it will be to get out of these current dynamics.

Try to find a moment at which he won't be able to escape/find an excuse for not discussing the topic. If he shows signs of improvement and becomes more stable/decisive, good. If not, I would end the friendship if I were you.

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Megaminx

· #9 · Oct 23, 2017

intuitivisions said:
So the thing is - I have this friend - we used to like each other and were sort of dating several years ago, but then things ended abruptly - he found a girlfriend in someone who was his best friend. We would still rarely meet and have deep conversations, he started to express regret and left his girlfriend for me, but already had plans to leave the continent for a couple of months. When he came back we had sex and afterwards I felt frightened (which I never explained to him) and started to avoid him, he renewed relationship with his former girlfriend and we stopped communicating for a while. Naturally we started to talk again, met a couple of times and had sex (this time he cheated on his girlfriend) and after a couple of days I said that I want to be with him and he said that he needs to be single. He initiated for us to meet and to talk about everything, but somehow we did not meet and again stopped communicating. A year or more passed, he now is together with the same girl he was then, we're talking again, this time I hope we will be strictly platonic, cause his intellect and insights have an immense value. Just the other day we met and were sitting and talking about some philosophical stuff, he then rested his head on my shoulder, hugged me for a long time and was holding my hands. It was innocent and tender, and maybe it only seemed romantic to me because we have a past. I realised it only after, that actually maybe that was not appropriate and there needs to be some boundaries for the sake of everyone. What would be his motivation behind actions like these? Why would he be so cuddly? What do you think about this overall? I could really use some objectivity.

I changed my mind, you are a piece of work too. You were the person who was equally involved in the cheating. And you probably meet his girlfriend acting like nothing happened. She is the wronged party. You are lying to her as well. That is the kind of person you are. Hopefully, she will find out soon and cut both of you out of her life. And I hope you two jerks will end up dating because you clearly deserve each other.

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