[intuitivisions]

So the thing is - I have this friend - we used to like each other and were sort of dating several years ago, but then things ended abruptly - he found a girlfriend in someone who was his best friend. We would still rarely meet and have deep conversations, he started to express regret and left his girlfriend for me, but already had plans to leave the continent for a couple of months. When he came back we had sex and afterwards I felt frightened (which I never explained to him) and started to avoid him, he renewed relationship with his former girlfriend and we stopped communicating for a while. Naturally we started to talk again, met a couple of times and had sex (this time he cheated on his girlfriend) and after a couple of days I said that I want to be with him and he said that he needs to be single. He initiated for us to meet and to talk about everything, but somehow we did not meet and again stopped communicating. A year or more passed, he now is together with the same girl he was then, we're talking again, this time I hope we will be strictly platonic, cause his intellect and insights have an immense value. Just the other day we met and were sitting and talking about some philosophical stuff, he then rested his head on my shoulder, hugged me for a long time and was holding my hands. It was innocent and tender, and maybe it only seemed romantic to me because we have a past. I realised it only after, that actually maybe that was not appropriate and there needs to be some boundaries for the sake of everyone. What would be his motivation behind actions like these? Why would he be so cuddly? What do you think about this overall? I could really use some objectivity.

 

[00Hikaru00]

I think you should ask yourself what is it that you want out of this friendship? And can he give you what you want? You sound like you still have desires for this guy. More than a year has passed and he's still with the same gal. I think that means something, no? Don't play second fiddle and don't read too much into his behaviour. He rejected you once, remember? A hug can mean many things. It can mean (a) he wants to come back to you; (b) a friendly hug for a friend he hasn't seen in over a year; or (c) he's hinting that he wants to rekindle your FWB status (but I don't think you want that, right?).

Objectively, I think you need to set boundaries if his behaviour is making you confused and uncomfortable.

 

[entheos]

The meaning behing his latest behavior doesn't matter anymore. Read the whole history, and the bottom line: You feed his ego.
You both also have terrible communication, hide stuff, play games, the other is a cheater, you're the enabler of a cheater, everything is a mess... Super unhealthy.

What I think about the story overall? You both stick together because of ego and nobody actually genuinely cares for themselves (there's no self-respect and no self-love) as well as not caring for other people, including not caring about the third party involved, the girl. He uses you because you allow him to, unfortunately.

 

[ButIHaveNoFear]

I think you both should stop seeing each other.

If he's INTP like you say, I have that Ne-aux "what if" nudge in the back of my mind as well. I personally wouldn't cheat, but it would be so tempting. And with the temptation there in the same place as me, it's not going to go away. The past and the future all come rushing back, and I long for another taste, no matter the consequences. And if I can give into that temptation once, I can go a little farther the next time.

He probably plans to stay with his girlfriend for the time. Although, he should probably break up with her and stay single until he finds himself. When they break up, though, would you want to be with him so he could be all confused and cheat on you too? Maybe this is the classic "if you love him, let him go" scenario.

Objectively, "friendship" with him wastes your time, energy, and mind-space. His experimenting hurts others. It will be really hard to just step away from him, but as time goes on, I think you will appreciate the lack of confusion and drama in your life. You can find someone new who knows what he wants.