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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So the thing is - I have this friend - we used to like each other and were sort of dating several years ago, but then things ended abruptly - he found a girlfriend in someone who was his best friend. We would still rarely meet and have deep conversations, he started to express regret and left his girlfriend for me, but already had plans to leave the continent for a couple of months. When he came back we had sex and afterwards I felt frightened (which I never explained to him) and started to avoid him, he renewed relationship with his former girlfriend and we stopped communicating for a while. Naturally we started to talk again, met a couple of times and had sex (this time he cheated on his girlfriend) and after a couple of days I said that I want to be with him and he said that he needs to be single. He initiated for us to meet and to talk about everything, but somehow we did not meet and again stopped communicating. A year or more passed, he now is together with the same girl he was then, we're talking again, this time I hope we will be strictly platonic, cause his intellect and insights have an immense value. Just the other day we met and were sitting and talking about some philosophical stuff, he then rested his head on my shoulder, hugged me for a long time and was holding my hands. It was innocent and tender, and maybe it only seemed romantic to me because we have a past. I realised it only after, that actually maybe that was not appropriate and there needs to be some boundaries for the sake of everyone. What would be his motivation behind actions like these? Why would he be so cuddly? What do you think about this overall? I could really use some objectivity.

372 Posts
Oh, that's me (kind of)
I don't think ENTJs here will be able to explain his behavior. So, I'll give you my INTP inputs.

What would be his motivation behind actions like these?
Nothing, he wanted to do what he did - right here right now - for the sake of experiencing this moment - that's all. INTPs tend to be very short-sighted, with no underlying motives. If there are ones, they are usually unconscious and they will spot their motives during/after the act.​

Why would he be so cuddly?
Because he appreciates you, feels safe with you, and wanted to cuddle. He probably wanted the physical distance to be similar to the emotional distance he puts between the two of you. ("I feel emotionally close to her so I want to be physically close to her.") Nothing more. And if there's indeed more, he probably doesn't know what he wants and what he intends to do next.​

What do you think about this overall?
xxTJ would say scandalous filth scum ditch him. (I exaggerate. Or maybe not.)
Ti-dom tend to have internal values that clash with the norm ("lacking moral compass") : What you considered "cheating" may not be seen as "cheating" in his POV. But you did have sex with him despite knowing he was "cheating" on his girlfriend.

I would advise you to stop thinking about his behavior - but think about yours instead. What do you want to get, and what do you want to avoid? What do you need to do in order to satisfy your needs?

That's it.
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