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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
..if you thought it could make you a better person?

to get to the point, i'm an infj and i met an intj 2 years ago. since last term (may 2010) i am the only person he has communicated with. i'm worried that i've caused him to question whether life is even worth living (obviously i feel wretched and heartbroken about that..). this guy used to think suicide was funny because it was so ridiculous! now he doesn't see the point in his dreams, and i know he has to work it out on his own, but what if he doesn't??

when i met the guy, EVerybody saw a near instant change in me, and i'm not talking about the fact that i was swooning head over heels for this guy. he completely changed my outlook on life - i maintain for the better, while my friends and family think otherwise. this guy has so much to offer, but now he wants nothing to do with people, and he doesn't see the point in having dreams. he's so complicated, he contradicts himself, and yet he's soooo tremendously intelligent. i really don't want to be the reason that tipped him over the edge into abstraction and detatchment, i regret things. i can't even describe the anger i feel towards myself. he won't call me a 'friend', but we're still talking the same as ever

i don't know whether i was an infj before i met him but i know i have been since, up until about a month or so ago.
we lived together a year, but we both agreed to live with others in the fall when we return to uni. i was the main problem, in that i was becoming too much like him. i'm quite easily influenced, and his negative view of people was taking it's toll on me, but i was blind to this until he made me aware of this effect on me.

does this sound familiar to any intj's out there?:
this boy went to church every sunday till he was old enough to say no.
he was both bullied and was a bully when he was younger; since, however, he has apologised to a boy he used to torment.
elder sibling bullied him badly

ANYWAY.. to get back to the point, my friend is experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms, he won't call anyone a 'friend'.. only acquaintances. he HATES people. he won't talk to anyone about his problems, and a while ago i thought the problem was me so i've been trying to change my personality ever since. i managed to become an infp. mainly i'm trying to become more extroverted, and positive which i don't think he even agrees with.. but i'm also concentrating on story-telling abilities. he really likes stories. i think i just have to get out there and meet new people and take more risks, so i can offer something fun to our friendship, but i'm more than a little sceptical that he would prefer me that way *shrugs* ..i remember reading somewhere that intjs like esfps :confused: so i was aiming for that :blushed:

he identifies with:
the comedian (watchmen)
joker (the dark knight)
dr manhatten-ish
rorshach-ish
calvin (bill watterson's calvin and hobbes)
bill hicks
hannibal lecter

bah! ..i have to stop thinking about this
 

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1) Don't change your personality for anyone (to the extent that's even possible).
2) His life is his problem
3) He doesn't sound like an ordinary INTJ, he sounds like a guy with serious mental health issues. This doesn't have a whole lot to do with types.
4) Joker is cool. I wish I were half as cool.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
heheh
nar, he's definately intj - i imagine he would say something along the lines of what you wrote if ever prompted to..

not crazy, just certain things really bug him, especially facebook and anything else advert orientated, the whole 'billionaire lifestyle' -totally unneccessary

*nods, joker rules! brilliant film :) xx
 

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To answer the title of this thread: No, I will not change my personality even if it might make me a better person. The problem with this premise is who defines 'better person?' I am just fine as I am.

To answer the body of your post: I agree with Filo. Your friend sounds like he has some mental health issues. You cannot fix him. He needs professional help. At best, you can stand with him and be his support while he gets professional help but YOU CANNOT FIX HIM. It is not your responsibility to fix him. I'm sure you see glimpses of wonderfulness in him but you should not hold on to those moments and ignore the rest of his behavior.

I speak from personal experience. I have spent nearly 18 years married to a man who has only recently agreed to seek professional help for ADHD. I, too, saw moments of wonderfulness and was willing to look beyond his destructive behavior in favor of those brief glimpses. He could be amazing at times. But I allowed myself to get wrapped up in fixing him and I forgot to take care of myself. I withdrew from friends, gave up favorite hobbies, gave up my dreams. Now I am left with a broken relationship, trust issues, and two decades of wasted life.

My dear, your friend needs professional help. YOU CANNOT FIX HIM.
 

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I agree with the previous posts that your INTJ friend needs professional help. I would add that you need to be more concerned with learning who you are and what you need from a relationship. Don't lose your "self" by immersing yourself in this relationship. My advice to you would be 1) tell him gently to get help, 2) move on with your life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
thankyou sincerely chanceyrose :) your good opinion is much appreciated. hopefully he'll give me another chance so that i can be there to support him
i whole-heartedly offer thanks and am sorry to hear about your own situation
much love xx
 

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No, there is no greater personality than mine.
 

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Change it? No.
Strive to understand (and consequently use) it better? Yes.


As for your friend, personal experience leads me to agree with ChanceyRose:
YOU CANNOT FIX HIM.
Trying to do so will only exhaust your engergy and make you lose yourself. Which will end with you needing the fixing. Not good.
 

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Don't confuse changing for growth. One is natural, the other is not. There is a hatred core.. caused maybe by an event or a particular understanding of the world. How strong is it? What/who caused it? Does it only make sense to him?
 
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