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Would you have found it offensive?

  • Yes

    Votes: 67 82.7%
  • No

    Votes: 14 17.3%
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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hey everyone,
I recently had an incident with my roommates where I thought what they said was a bit disrespectful. Later on they told me they were just joking around but at the time it seemed ALOT like they were mocking me because I'm quiet and introverted. I talked it out with them and in the end they ended up saying that they "guessed" that they were sorry and I ended up for the sake of ending things just saying I was sorry that I didn't get they were joking.

So basically they were asking me some questions about myself like the type of music I like etc. and eventually they wind up asking me:
"Have you ever f**** a girl?" and one of them commented "I mean come on I did when I was a teenager" and followed up by "Do you even have friends?"

Like I said they said they were joking. My reaction was to send them an email the next day because I wasn't there to talk to them in person. In the email I told them I wasn't happy with what they said and then they ended up acting angry at me because I sent them an email and didn't talk to them in person and they were acting like I was weird for not getting that they weren't mocking me.

This is the first month or so I've been with them. I just want to find out if I overreacted by thinking it was a jab at me. I don't talk to people like that. I'm not used to people talking to me like that and the other person in the room groaned and walked away when they started asking me that so that also had me thinking this was something directed at just me but they say they talk to each other like this all the time?
 

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Spotlight March 2016
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Hey everyone,
I recently had an incident with my roommates where I thought what they said was a bit disrespectful. Later on they told me they we just joking around but at the time it seemed ALOT like they were mocking me because I'm quiet and introverted. I talked it out with them and in the end they ended up saying that they "guessed" that they were sorry and I ended up for the sake of ending things just saying I was sorry that I didn't get they were joking.

So basically they were asking me some questions about myself like the type of music I like etc. and eventually they wind up asking me:
"Have you ever f**** a girl?" and one of them commented "I mean come on I did when I was a teenager" and followed up by "Do you even have friends?"

Like I said they said they were joking. My reaction was to send them an email the next day because I wasn't there to talk to them in person. In the email I told them I wasn't happy with what they said and then they ended up acting angry at me because I sent them an email and didn't talk to them in person and they were acting like I was weird for not getting that they weren't mocking me.

This is the first month or so I've been with them. I just want to find out if I overreacted by thinking it was a jab at me. I don't talk to people like that. I'm not used to people talking to me like that and the other person in the room groaned and walked away when they started asking me that so that also had me thinking this was something directed at just me but they say they talk to each other like this all the time?
I'd probably have been offended, because it does sound like they were mocking. You just don't joke like that.
 

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Auntie Duckie
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It's a pack mentality. They sensed "weakness" and jumped on it.

The way to get out of it is to kid back with them.

"Have you ever f**** a girl?" Yeah, your mom, and she loved it.


"Do you even have friends?" No, just you assholes.


Things like that.

Otherwise (short of punching them in the face), they won't leave you alone.

had me thinking this was something directed at just me but they say they talk to each other like this all the time?


They probably do... try to just brush it off or have fun with it.


-ZDD


 

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Would I find it offensive? Probably, depends on what was going on around it.
There's ways to deal with it, like Zombie Devil Duckie said, but I still understand being offended.
They stepped on an area they knew would upset you. I don't always take it well when it's done to me,
but I can usually cope pretty well and just toss insults back or mock myself in a way that brushes it aside.
On the other hand, if they do it, and you do it back, and they get offended, you might mention that its something
for them to think about. They shouldn't dish it if they can't take any in return. At least that's my meh-advice on the situation.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Hey everyone I appreciate all your responses I'm satisfied to find out I wasn't just making something out of nothing.
I just have another question. I totally agree with what you guys say about dishing it back and brushing it off. I know its the ideal response for me especially as a guy. Its just, how do you guys draw the line between deciding to throw out a playful jab back at them and deciding that its crossing the line because I'm going from 0-60 right now. I didn't really even think of a playful response as an option I just thought that it was ridiculous that they talk down to me like this when I try to be as polite as I can to them.
I just didn't expect it, I think I'd have been cool-headed enough to play around if I was close to them but like I told them I had no idea what their intentions were behind what they were saying.
 

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Auntie Duckie
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I just thought that it was ridiculous that they talk down to me like this when I try to be as polite as I can to them.
It is very ridiculous. Jabbing back at them is just one way to handle it, but I'm not making any excuses for the way they are acting. It's not something I would do to a casual friend. Among my closest friends we kid around a bit, but we have also known each other for 35+ years.


I think I'd have been cool-headed enough to play around if I was close to them but like I told them I had no idea what their intentions were behind what they were saying.
Assume the worst and set your expectations of them pretty low. It sucks, but you won't be hurt as easily.

Try to blow it off and go about your own business. Kid back with them as you see fit.


-ZDD
 

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Lotus Jester
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I personally love sarcastic teasing with people that I trust; as long as it's clear that it's done in jest and not mean spirited, like the OP's example seems to be.

I am a very private person and I don't respond to well to anyone, I don't know well; firing extremely personal questions at me. The "friends" comment, was particularly mean spirited and both were asked to make you feel uncomfortable. If these roommates continue to disrespect you in this way; you may want to seriously consider replacing them.
 

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Joke or not, I would find what they did offensive. I would've yelled at them to shut the hell up. But you told them already that you don't like it. So, probably, they'd stop. If they do it again just punish them with your kamehameha.. that should teach them
 

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I would've been offended after only living there a month and that happening. If we were cool and had that type of "joking" relationship then I probably wouldn't have, but not knowing them that well or not being on that level I definitely would've been offended.
 

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Hey everyone,
I recently had an incident with my roommates where I thought what they said was a bit disrespectful. Later on they told me they were just joking around but at the time it seemed ALOT like they were mocking me because I'm quiet and introverted. I talked it out with them and in the end they ended up saying that they "guessed" that they were sorry and I ended up for the sake of ending things just saying I was sorry that I didn't get they were joking.

So basically they were asking me some questions about myself like the type of music I like etc. and eventually they wind up asking me:
"Have you ever f**** a girl?" and one of them commented "I mean come on I did when I was a teenager" and followed up by "Do you even have friends?"

Like I said they said they were joking. My reaction was to send them an email the next day because I wasn't there to talk to them in person. In the email I told them I wasn't happy with what they said and then they ended up acting angry at me because I sent them an email and didn't talk to them in person and they were acting like I was weird for not getting that they weren't mocking me.

This is the first month or so I've been with them. I just want to find out if I overreacted by thinking it was a jab at me. I don't talk to people like that. I'm not used to people talking to me like that and the other person in the room groaned and walked away when they started asking me that so that also had me thinking this was something directed at just me but they say they talk to each other like this all the time?
I just think that's a shit thing to do. First they probe you for questions (some that sound really personal) and then they have the audacity to openly pass judgement upon you.
 

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I just want to find out if I overreacted by thinking it was a jab at me. I don't talk to people like that. I'm not used to people talking to me like that and the other person in the room groaned and walked away when they started asking me that so that also had me thinking this was something directed at just me but they say they talk to each other like this all the time?
You didn't overreact, and it was directed at you. If it happens again, just leave the room! Don't even try to engage in conversation with them if they're behaving that way!
 

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It was obvious they were makin' fun of you. However, you really didn't help your situation by using email. They're making fun of you for being awkward/alone, and you communicate through email rather than face to face. Least you know for next time. Also, screw what they think.
 

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It's a common thing, to further insult you by implying that you can't take a joke when you have expressed that you are offended. These people are bullies. Now you know this, and you know you can't trust them. How you respond next time is up to you, there is no prescribed way, you can be offensive back but if it doesn't come naturally you won't be good at it, and the whole thing can escalate. Probably better off in your case to take it totally deadpan, brush it off, fid more important things to do. When they realise you will not be cowed, they will move on to another victim.
 

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Yep! I would have been pissed. I call BS on them playing it off as an innocent joke. It's like saying something offensive to someone and refusing to apologize for it by saying 'just kidding, dude'. F that. & f them.

Like I said, I would've found it offensive, but honestly, I'd try not to take it personally. If they're the type to try and brag about their sex life by asking someone else about theirs (the teenager line was annoying), and if they have no respect for someone else's privacy, that's on them.

You know what, if they say they talk like that to each other all the time, then lol.
Believe that part and move on (doesn't really matter anyway), but don't let them get to you. That's what's important.
Let the two morons herd together.

If they make fun of you again, I dunno... How would you like to respond?
I'd say stand up for yourself. Be direct, not passive aggressive.
Also depends on what they say or do and the tone of the conversation, I think. How long is your lease with them?
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Thanks so much for everyone's input and support its absolutely awesome and helped me get over this, coming out alot stronger and wiser.

@Kittynip My lease here is until next year.

I'd probably have to put up with less crap if I was on my own but I'm going to stick with this place if I can just because of cost advantages and convenience.

I'm not upset with them anymore but I'm just disappointed in how they reacted, instead of just reacting with a sincere direct apology they're reaction was "I guess we're sorry you didn't think we were funny." I did exactly that and apologized even when I didn't have too I would have liked it if they'd just accepted the consequences and take responsibility but it is what it is.

At the least I have a better feel of what to expect from them and like some others said I'll lower my expectations a bit but as always if they get disrespectful again its going to be a problem.

Overall though I'll make the most out of this its given me alot of motivation to direct more effort and energy into the things and people I care about (and the people that care about me) and pay no attention to the negative things and criticisms because they'll never stop no matter what there's always someone with something negative to say and there's always going to be people who hit you at your weak points.

As a bit of an update since that incident nothing else of that nature has happened again. Its funny that I've unintentionally become a bit more distant with those two. I consciously decided to lower my expectations and everything but its like I can't help but not trust them and not get close to them anymore its automatic.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
@yyzena Sure I can, For a good while after the incident I resented them but after a while my feelings dissipated. Like I said earlier I just have different expectations from them now. I haven't had any other problems with them, we're not super close or anything and I'm not interested in hanging out with them. Overall I'm very happy that I brought it up because whether or not it was a misunderstanding, when it happened I felt like I got punched in the stomach, like I was legitimately being talked down too.

I learned alot from this experience and because of it I now understand the importance of boundaries, having expectations as to how you want to be treated, that people interact differently. I also invested in a few books on self-confidence and assertiveness and its pretty cool what I'm learning. I now have a clear appreciation for being assertive in the sense that I don't want to be passive and let things go without communicating my needs, opinions and feelings while at the same time not being domineering, finding a healthy medium.

I still think its crappy that they didn't give a full-on no B.S. apology and going the route of "sorry you didn't find it funny" but thats life.
 
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