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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Would you INFPs are less interested in the 'pursuer/pursued' dynamic? Like one person showing much more interest and trying to woo, seduce the other person into liking them? I always find the idea of trying to seduce someone who either showed little interest or was coy about it a bit strange. I guess I'm no 'alpha', but I think INFP males and females alike are less into that, and more into having mutual attraction developing, or relatively mutual attraction. I feel INFPs are more likely to develop feelings after a friendship, or after an emotional connection has been established. Like it's less likely to be mostly physical.
 

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@The Nameless Composer I like your username, by the way. Got a real nice ring to it! :)

This dynamic is also very interesting to me. I've been in both situations. I "fell" into a relationship after being pursued, largely due to passiveness and flattery I suppose, thinking "oh what the heck, we'll see how it goes". But I did find it very strange, to be actively pursued, dates, wooing, all of that jazz. It wasn't really that effective to me, I never felt "wooed" and swept off my feet.

I don't think I would ever pursue. Particularly strangers. I don't see the point! I think that if there's intrigue going both ways, it'll happen. I also think I take things personally rather often, and the idea of rejection that I've basically brought upon myself really doesn't interest me. I'd probably spend a day or two wondering what's wrong with me, and maybe on a good day, what's wrong with them :p

My current relationship is a very rock solid relationship with an INTJ, but as you mentioned, we were the best of friends for at least half a year before anything ever came about between us. Connecting emotionally and intellectually was very important to me, and I wouldn't trade that foundation for the world. I don't really believe in getting to know a stranger through a relationship, I quite like the idea of knowing quite a lot about somebody before ever really committing to them. And even now, I mean I'm completely satisfied with the physical side of things, but the intellectual and emotional connection is so much more valuable to me in general.

I also think the people I've fancied in the past have mostly been people I felt a "connection" with rather than the hottest guy in town.

Oh, and I cannot fathom at all the idea of Tinder etc. I can't. I went on one blind date from Tinder ever, and it was the most disappointing-to-the-point-of-hilarity experience of my life. I couldn't understand the social construct on which it's based, so I tested it, and the whole interview set-up was just really funny and odd to me. Never again!

I think in general, it's kind of typical that INFPs are one of those types who don't tend to have countless relations of this kind of nature, but tend to invest in the more long-term types. Which would imply the importance of the emotional/intellectual connection.

I completely agree with your proposition :)
 

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@The Nameless Composer I like your username, by the way. Got a real nice ring to it! :)

This dynamic is also very interesting to me. I've been in both situations. I "fell" into a relationship after being pursued, largely due to passiveness and flattery I suppose, thinking "oh what the heck, we'll see how it goes". But I did find it very strange, to be actively pursued, dates, wooing, all of that jazz. It wasn't really that effective to me, I never felt "wooed" and swept off my feet.

I don't think I would ever pursue. Particularly strangers. I don't see the point! I think that if there's intrigue going both ways, it'll happen. I also think I take things personally rather often, and the idea of rejection that I've basically brought upon myself really doesn't interest me. I'd probably spend a day or two wondering what's wrong with me, and maybe on a good day, what's wrong with them :p

My current relationship is a very rock solid relationship with an INTJ, but as you mentioned, we were the best of friends for at least half a year before anything ever came about between us. Connecting emotionally and intellectually was very important to me, and I wouldn't trade that foundation for the world. I don't really believe in getting to know a stranger through a relationship, I quite like the idea of knowing quite a lot about somebody before ever really committing to them. And even now, I mean I'm completely satisfied with the physical side of things, but the intellectual and emotional connection is so much more valuable to me in general.

I also think the people I've fancied in the past have mostly been people I felt a "connection" with rather than the hottest guy in town.

Oh, and I cannot fathom at all the idea of Tinder etc. I can't. I went on one blind date from Tinder ever, and it was the most disappointing-to-the-point-of-hilarity experience of my life. I couldn't understand the social construct on which it's based, so I tested it, and the whole interview set-up was just really funny and odd to me. Never again!

I think in general, it's kind of typical that INFPs are one of those types who don't tend to have countless relations of this kind of nature, but tend to invest in the more long-term types. Which would imply the importance of the emotional/intellectual connection. Maybe as well as a type who naturally live in our heads, dreaming and wondering and fantasising, it probably helps us more to know someone pretty well to kind of eliminate as much idealisatoin as possible and therefore less unnecessary disppointment when some stranger we've been wooing or has been wooing us for a substantial amount of time doesn't live up to what we've concocted in our other-wordly imaginations resting periodically on the horizons of reality :)
 
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Sometimes I hear some women saying about how men are hunters and value women only when they "hunt" them and don't value women if they are "easy". Sounds like some kind of a demented alien deviation. I mean it's all about being with someone who is interesting, not about some stupid games.
 

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I really really really find being pursued and playing hard to get incredibly...hot.
I suppose I want to be cared for.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Me too. If someone doesn't seem interested either as a friend or anything else, I don't put in much effort. I'm not much of a 'chaser.' I guess I've a history of feeling nobody was interested, too, even if I haven't been rejected.

I really do think being friends before is the best. It creates a foundation other than the romantic that is a more solid base for a relationship.
 

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Like many aspects of dating, I was oblivious to the chaser/chased dynamic. Any thoughts of strategies/tropes of dating would just confuse me. Being myself and having the right person find me (online) was good enough.

That being said, I can't deny being wanted feels awesome, and being pursued is one way of doing that. My wife contacted me first on online dating, and set up the first few dates (3 days, 3 dates in a row teehee).
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Like many aspects of dating, I was oblivious to the chaser/chased dynamic. Any thoughts of strategies/tropes of dating would just confuse me. Being myself and having the right person find me (online) was good enough.

That being said, I can't deny being wanted feels awesome, and being pursued is one way of doing that. My wife contacted me first on online dating, and set up the first few dates (3 days, 3 dates in a row teehee).
I never liked all the dating 'strategies', the psychological tactics, felt like manipulation for me. That was more for those who just wanted to pick up. I wanted something deeper, I guess.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Like many aspects of dating, I was oblivious to the chaser/chased dynamic. Any thoughts of strategies/tropes of dating would just confuse me. Being myself and having the right person find me (online) was good enough.

That being said, I can't deny being wanted feels awesome, and being pursued is one way of doing that. My wife contacted me first on online dating, and set up the first few dates (3 days, 3 dates in a row teehee).
I never liked all the dating 'strategies', the psychological tactics, felt like manipulation for me. That was more for those who just wanted to pick up. I wanted something deeper, I guess.
 

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I think seduction is different for me. There is still seduction, but it is short and genuine. I gave in once to flattery and seduction and was never comfortable in that relationship.
 

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I have tried to pursue a man when I didn't know if he was interested or not because his words weren't 100% clear.
All it took was "I used to have long hair too" and I had to find out if he actually WAS interested in me.

See. the thing is, I have a long hair fetish.. and he knew that, I guess.

It was fun for a while, but I made the worst choices of my life so far in pursuing him. =.=


I don't really like being pursued, though.


Ask me out, actually tell me you're interested, and I'll give you my answer.
If you don't accept my answer, you're going to drive yourself crazy and probably annoy me.

What really bothers me is when someone tries to "claim me" or "fight for me" like I'm some kind of object.
I just think they're stupid when they act like that.

I guess I'm a hypocrite. v_v;;;
 

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Someone recently pursued me, I like his face actually but I don't like his game. If only he was more subtle.
I have no idea if he's still interested but he still texted me once in a while just saying hi. I'm really tempted to text him first but then fear of rejection hinders me. I know he clearly threw himself at me but still haha. I get this feeling he was just trying to get rid of his single status instead of seeing me as his crush.

it's flattering but only for like 5 minutes? the rest you spend your day thinking what he actually meant. Love developed from friendship sounds like the ideal way for me but I'm not sure if that's ideal. It's hard for me to develop a strong friendship. A guy I felt comfortable with has a girlfriend already.
 

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I think that an unsuitable relationship would cause me more pain than good, so I'm very careful when weighing up potential partners. So if they have to chase, it's most likely because I've already deduced that it would not work long-term. This is also why I feel very uncomfortable being chased because I don't want to hurt their feelings and know I have to eventually if they keep it up.

About me chasing, I would not actively pursue a man who seems disinterested, partly because I'm too proud to throw myself at anyone (especially when they sidestep) and partly because I dislike being chased too. Maybe they too have a reason to think that I would not be suitable for them, or maybe they have some other reason to want to stay away from a relationship. Or even worse, maybe they're playing hard to get. Mind games are usually a red flag to me because it might mean a lack of empathy or some other kind of trouble.
 

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but I think INFP males and females alike are less into that, and more into having mutual attraction developing, or relatively mutual attraction. I feel INFPs are more likely to develop feelings after a friendship, or after an emotional connection has been established. Like it's less likely to be mostly physical.
Yeah pretty much. I don't feel comfortable with unequal power thing in general. I don't like being wooed or complimented too much by someone I'm not attracted to. But I don't like giving someone too much attention if they don't do the same for me.
 

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It happened to me that I was pursued, but when feeling is not mutual it is a rather difficult dynamic. I do not see myself as a pursuer or pursuee. It feels awkward, not genuine, and pretty much as a game.
 
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Maybe, maybe not.

I think it's uncomfortable to "woo" someone when they obviously aren't feeling it or aren't clear about whether or not they enjoy it, but I'm not opposed to coyness, teasing, and chasing back and forth between people who've established interest. Why not get a little playful with it?

At the same time, I've been interested in some excruciatingly shy men and I don't intend to repeat the experience. The latest has just left me exhausted. A couple friends have recommended that despite my unmistakable draw to them I stick to people with higher levels of emotional intelligence and who are more comfortable talking about their feelings, potentially older than myself. I don't like giving attention to people who might be made uncomfortable by it, or who seem into it one day and unsure of themselves the next. That just makes me feel gross, like I'm violating their boundaries and pushing myself on someone who isn't attracted to me.

My experiences with the same gender have been much nicer. I guess I expect men to be like the women I've known and be very open about their feelings and boundaries, although obviously the dynamics are going to be a little different because everyone is affected by the broader perception of gender on some level. Choosing shy ones doesn't help, either.

I know what people mean by the manipulative approach, though. It's uncomfortable to be receiving attention I've expressed disinterest in or feel like someone is putting on an act to entertain me and I have to put on an act in return by acting oh-so-amused.
 
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