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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This hit me like a brick wall today. Apparently noone who knows me thinks I express my emotions.

Everyone seems to unanimously repeat the same thing: "You express disagreement, anger and your opinions, you assert yourself, but otherwise you are emotionally cold."

This is what I have been told by virtually EVERYONE :S. This is not good, apparently not even physically (I don't hug, no touching, no pats on the back and such stuff either).

Someone pls tell me you can relate? How do I fix this? (hugging is awkward) I'm serious. Help?

 

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Sweet Matrimony.
ENTJ 8w7 so/sx
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Isn't this the whole point of Fi though? Not being expressive with emotions in a Fe way...?

Why would you want to change it? Is it really a problem? I have the opposite problem, some people find me too expressive. Just be you. Some people will appreciate it, others might need a little time to learn how to deal with it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Isn't this the whole point of Fi though? Not being expressive with emotions in a Fe way...?

Why would you want to change it? Is it really a problem? I have the opposite problem, some people find me too expressive. Just be you. Some people will appreciate it, others might need a little time to learn how to deal with it.
Well yeah, that is what I think too, but I'd like to express my feelz without being voldemort awkward.
 

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Isn't this the whole point of Fi though? Not being expressive with emotions in a Fe way...?

Why would you want to change it? Is it really a problem? I have the opposite problem, some people find me too expressive. Just be you. Some people will appreciate it, others might need a little time to learn how to deal with it.
Obviously they posted here because they think it is a problem.

Also, this is a common problem I see in society today. The attitude of "I'm fine, YOU'RE the one with the problem". That's not a good way to live life over the long term. Acceptance works both ways. None of this "I am who I am, and you just have to like it." Part of life is evolving and changing what DOESN'T work with you to be a more functioning, complete person.
 

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This hit me like a brick wall today. Apparently noone who knows me thinks I express my emotions.

Everyone seems to unanimously repeat the same thing: "You express disagreement, anger and your opinions, you assert yourself, but otherwise you are emotionally cold."

This is what I have been told by virtually EVERYONE :S. This is not good, apparently not even physically (I don't hug, no touching, no pats on the back and such stuff either).

Someone pls tell me you can relate? How do I fix this? (hugging is awkward) I'm serious. Help?
If hugging is awkward, start with a handshake, pat on the back, side hug, smile, whatever. I was like you when I was younger. I don't overly express myself now, but I am different. I'm not the most touchy feely person, but if it's a person that I share a mutual affection with, I don't mind. It's usually the OTHER person though that does the hugging, and I just follow.

Maybe try not to let hugging be awkward? If someone hugs you, just go with it and pretend you don't mind.....? Or is any kind of touch uncomfortable? If so, that may be due to a more deeply rooted, psychological issue.

Start expressing positive emotions. You express disagreement, but can you express agreement? You express anger, but can you express happiness? Even if it's just by way of a smile and saying "I'm so happy about X!"

Tell someone you like them, or you love them. If you feel indebted to someone, or you are appreciative to someone for helping you out, say so. A simple "By the way, thanks for helping me with X. You came through when no one else could and I really appreciate it." is enough.
 

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Some questions for you then:

1) Do you notice feeling like you are holding back your feelings? And if so, do you feel like you long to be free to express them but don't feel able to do so? Or do you feel like they are not something you have a desire to share with anyone even if you did feel like you could share them with someone? Or do you think you are being expressive but people don't seem to be picking up on it?

2) When and how Do you express your feelings? Is it when you're alone? Do you write in a journal or blog? Is it on the internet with people who aren't in your physical life? Is it only to a certain person? Do you feeel the expression in your head but don't actually physically express it (you know, by crying, or grinning, or typing super hard on your keyboard, etc?)

3) How aware of your feelings are you? Are you constantly conscious of your feelings in any given situation - both the negative and the positive? Are you more aware of your negative feelings? Or more aware of your positive feelings? Do you think about and analyse your feelings often? Are you more aware of how you felt during a conversation after the fact as you think about the memory, or are you aware of your feelings 'in real time'?

4) Does your family, or other important people in your past, tend to under-express their feelings? particularly the positive ones? What kind of reactions do you generally expect if you were to express your positive emotions?

5) How do you yourself react to the expression of feelings - particularly positive ones? In others? And if You were to express your positive feelings outwardly what would you think/feel about yourself? Would you feel like you were drawing too much attention, or making too big a deal? Would you feel awkward and embarrased even if no one else was watching you express your feelings? Do you not know how to react to other's expressions? and perhaps not want to make them feel the same way you would?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
@Aelthwyn

1) I thought I was being expressive. I didn't realize ppl saw me like this. I was sure I express what I tend to feel.

2) I have a problem expressing what I think and feel when I'm in the company of strangers. (socially inhibited, worried whether it would be appropriate or not). I thought I was being expressive with those close to me, but they still see me as emotionally cold or something. I hug my girlfriend and so on and I tell people that I appreciate or love them as far as I'm aware almost always when I feel like it. Generally won't be physically affectionate with anybody except my best friend and girlfriend, with them it feels okay. I'm too uncomfortable with others and generally have no urge to engage in any hugging, touching or such things. Online I'm very open about what I think and feel, unless I'd like to avoid a confrontation, but can't hold that in long enough most of the time either.

3) I'm aware in real time, as far as I know I'm aware of all my feelz and mostly the negative yes, looking back the next day I can't recall the same emotions through the memory. I'm sure I need external stimulus to feel the same again, not internal memory which is usually void of emotion. This is sometimes odd because where others break down and cry I feel nothing out of the usual: sick old lady on the bed crying and I'm trying to think up a way to seem more emotional then I really am (fully aware that I feel nothing out of the ordinary except for guilt over my seemingly lack of any ability to feel her pain). At other times I can feel things rather strongly in the moment...like when my cat got hit by the car and I express these, a lot of the time very strongly, mostly the negative thou. I have some problems feeling positive emotions unless I expose myself to something else that is intense and fun (thunderstorm, rock concert being 2 examples, a moving piece of cinema, art). I have neurotic depression so this is not a surprise.

4) Dad is very stoic and extremely inexpressive. Not even I can read him properly. The rest of the family is expressive and would receive it well. I have been given criticism throughout my childhood for "going overboard" and being socially out of line "too much", so in social situations I default to being polite and smiling, I feel extremely unsure of how much I would be allowed to show. I can be rather reactive / goofy / teasing /fun or the negative side of this, strong willed, opinionated and stubborn, combative (kind of like on the forums) if allowed :S or comfortable enough (friends).

5) It makes me uncomfortable especially if what is being expressed comes across cheesy and fake or overdone and inauthentic and I don't know how to react to a lot of it. I especially don't know what to say or do a lot of the time. I don't want to upset people, but it seems to me like I'm faced with a minefield..one wrong step and there will be an explosion. I would feel embarrassed and awkward if I were to express myself, this tends to happen when i have a very strong opinion and can't hold it in anymore or if i said too much. In hindsight it makes me anxious thinking about it.

A situation where I would be very expressive emotionally and otherwise would be seeing injustice, torture or some other crappy thing happening in front of me. This usually triggers an extreme emphatic reaction in me and I will act on it as if by impulse. A sort of "To hell with everything else, THIS is important NOW!"
 

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Sweet Matrimony.
ENTJ 8w7 so/sx
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Obviously they posted here because they think it is a problem.

Also, this is a common problem I see in society today. The attitude of "I'm fine, YOU'RE the one with the problem". That's not a good way to live life over the long term. Acceptance works both ways. None of this "I am who I am, and you just have to like it." Part of life is evolving and changing what DOESN'T work with you to be a more functioning, complete person.
You've completely misunderstood what I was trying to say.

I'm not saying anyone has a problem with anything, I am, however, saying that sometimes people need to get used to things they don't understand.

Please do not put words in my mouth.
 

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@Aelthwyn

1) I thought I was being expressive. I didn't realize ppl saw me like this. I was sure I express what I tend to feel.
I don't know if this is going to help or not, but I think about this for myself--how I think I've been expressive, but others think not. It's not that I don't want or don't try to express grattitude, love, etc. but that when I do, and I think I've expressed myself loud and clear, what was received was perceived as much more muted, or even indifferent, or even insincere, and certainly not unequivocal. Such results tend to discourage further attempts, but I have continued to try. In recent discussions over the differences between Fe and Fi, I've slowly come to realize that it is possible that our own Fi tends to amplify even our own Fe expressions. In other words, what way say seems very "loudly" expressive to ourselves, but it's not what others would say in the same situation. I don't know if the Ne in INFP would enable one to express himself better, but for sure, if you combine all the functions in the ISFP, it is possible to see how such an "amplification" would take place. So far, this hasn't helped me express myself better, but it certainly helps me realize and recognize better when it's happening. I'm with you, though. It's embarrassing to discover from others that, when you thought you were being expressive, to discover that others thought otherwise.
 

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I get this from time to time. Even though, I feel I am expressing myself quite well. It's mostly extraverts who cannot "grasp" my emotions/thoughts.

It's just about having the confidence to speak up, and that's as far as I have gotten. ;)
 

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You've completely misunderstood what I was trying to say.

I'm not saying anyone has a problem with anything, I am, however, saying that sometimes people need to get used to things they don't understand.

Please do not put words in my mouth.
Fair enough.
 

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This hit me like a brick wall today. Apparently noone who knows me thinks I express my emotions.

Everyone seems to unanimously repeat the same thing: "You express disagreement, anger and your opinions, you assert yourself, but otherwise you are emotionally cold."

This is what I have been told by virtually EVERYONE :S. This is not good, apparently not even physically (I don't hug, no touching, no pats on the back and such stuff either).

Someone pls tell me you can relate? How do I fix this? (hugging is awkward) I'm serious. Help?

I can relate. My dad's side of the family is Italian and still find it awkward to hug and kiss relatives even after all these years. A girl at work used to hug me random out of no where and I would jump each time. I am also very ticklish so I can't handle my brothers cats rubbing against(& attacking) my feet. not sure how I am with expressing other emotions. I was told by a drunk costumer that I was cold, but was too depressed and stressed to care lol.
 
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