@Aelthwyn
1) I thought I was being expressive. I didn't realize ppl saw me like this. I was sure I express what I tend to feel.
2) I have a problem expressing what I think and feel when I'm in the company of strangers. (socially inhibited, worried whether it would be appropriate or not). I thought I was being expressive with those close to me, but they still see me as emotionally cold or something. I hug my girlfriend and so on and I tell people that I appreciate or love them as far as I'm aware almost always when I feel like it. Generally won't be physically affectionate with anybody except my best friend and girlfriend, with them it feels okay. I'm too uncomfortable with others and generally have no urge to engage in any hugging, touching or such things. Online I'm very open about what I think and feel, unless I'd like to avoid a confrontation, but can't hold that in long enough most of the time either.
3) I'm aware in real time, as far as I know I'm aware of all my feelz and mostly the negative yes, looking back the next day I can't recall the same emotions through the memory. I'm sure I need external stimulus to feel the same again, not internal memory which is usually void of emotion. This is sometimes odd because where others break down and cry I feel nothing out of the usual: sick old lady on the bed crying and I'm trying to think up a way to seem more emotional then I really am (fully aware that I feel nothing out of the ordinary except for guilt over my seemingly lack of any ability to feel her pain). At other times I can feel things rather strongly in the moment...like when my cat got hit by the car and I express these, a lot of the time very strongly, mostly the negative thou. I have some problems feeling positive emotions unless I expose myself to something else that is intense and fun (thunderstorm, rock concert being 2 examples, a moving piece of cinema, art). I have neurotic depression so this is not a surprise.
4) Dad is very stoic and extremely inexpressive. Not even I can read him properly. The rest of the family is expressive and would receive it well. I have been given criticism throughout my childhood for "going overboard" and being socially out of line "too much", so in social situations I default to being polite and smiling, I feel extremely unsure of how much I would be allowed to show. I can be rather reactive / goofy / teasing /fun or the negative side of this, strong willed, opinionated and stubborn, combative (kind of like on the forums) if allowed :S or comfortable enough (friends).
5) It makes me uncomfortable especially if what is being expressed comes across cheesy and fake or overdone and inauthentic and I don't know how to react to a lot of it. I especially don't know what to say or do a lot of the time. I don't want to upset people, but it seems to me like I'm faced with a minefield..one wrong step and there will be an explosion. I would feel embarrassed and awkward if I were to express myself, this tends to happen when i have a very strong opinion and can't hold it in anymore or if i said too much. In hindsight it makes me anxious thinking about it.
A situation where I would be very expressive emotionally and otherwise would be seeing injustice, torture or some other crappy thing happening in front of me. This usually triggers an extreme emphatic reaction in me and I will act on it as if by impulse. A sort of "To hell with everything else, THIS is important NOW!"
