[Callie]

I know there's a similar thread on the forum. But I wanted to take it to an other direction now.
I got the impression from the other thread that you all feel awkward with expressing your love in relationships. How is it working ? Do you use to say nothing ? Or do you use to say things but you're feeling awkward ?
Are NFJ who are very much into love expression (flowers, sweet words, daily text messages on how you miss the person, how you were happy to see him/her and how eager you are to see each other again etc...) rather ENFJs things ? Or are INFJs also into this ?
How private are you on your own feelings ? Is it type-related or rather depending on who you are individually ?

 

[ohnoezitsjoez]

I am awkward in the initial stages of meeting/getting to know someone.

Once I warm up, feel comfortable, and if a romantic connection is made, then I imagine I would drown you in affection. I can only hope I would pick up on your love language(s).

 

[GoodOldDreamer]

I am awkward in the initial stages of meeting/getting to know someone.

Once I warm up, feel comfortable, and if a romantic connection is made, then I imagine I would drown you in affection. I can only hope I would pick up on your love language(s).

Yeah, pretty much this. The biggest hurdle for me in terms of relationships is starting one, and that's only because of feeling forced by stupid gender roles to be the initiator when I'd prefer to be the receptor in that respect. But my highest love languages are Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch, so when I love someone, all I need is an assurance that my affections are welcome. After that, well, let's just say my SOs have never questioned my love for them. )

There's an awkwardness because unlike a lot of people who will simply act on their whim among others, we will often wait for permission first. We respect personal boundaries, perhaps even to a detriment at times. This difference from the norm of how people act towards each other is the cause of the awkward feeling. My SOs have always at first expected me to do what I want with their wishes sort of counted in as secondary, rather than the priority. So it can take some getting used to. *shrug*

You'd think in this day and age of feminism and a wanting for equality, there would be more women who not only want that kind of consideration and control on their part, but actively seek it. >_> Stupid gender roles, how I loathe thee...

 

[bengalcat]

I'm definitely more hesitant earlier on. I need to feel quite secure and comfortable with a partner - really know that the extent of my feelings are accepted and welcomed and like the others said, that I'm not crossing their boundaries. Once I'm at a place with someone where I feel like they are truly totally cool with goofy, excitable, loved-up me, I'm very free with it.

I express it probably primarily in a physical way. Hugging, tackling, licking, needing to touch and play with random body parts. I offer massages. Otherwise verbally it's probably expressed more through enthusiasm and interest rather than through explicit declarations of loving and missing someone. I wouldn't be like texting someone "Oh I miss you" but when I see them next I'd be likely to get really happy and excited and want to jump at them with a "Yayyyy! It's you!" and a massive hug and smile. I might let them know I missed them once in a while but not on a regular basis. I do also give gifts but again that's not extremely frequent, I only give when I see or randomly think of something that I think is just right for them at that moment and is something that'd add something to their life or surprise/entertain/touch them.

So basically, I am very expressive when in love, it comes out through me being physically free and showing how thrilled I am to have you around. I am more likely to behave like your number one fan than to explicitly state it. The more explicit shows of love - declarations and gifts - I do as well, but only once in a while when I'm particularly inspired or overcome with a feeling for whatever reason. I do wonder if there is much similarity between INFJs in this sort of thing because it's seeming more like it could be a question of love languages?

 

[Callie]

@GoodOldDreamer your answer is especially interesting. The thing about respecting bondaries in particular. My bf which I suspect to be an XNFJ is pretty like this. Even though i offer him to come over at my place late at night, he's going to ask me if I want him to stay over for the night. Whereas it's obvious that i invite him over to stay, he asks me each time if he can. When we talked about this, he told me that he will always ask me because it's just the way he is.....

 

[GoodOldDreamer]

Better to be safe than sorry, right? ;o)

 

[ohnoezitsjoez]

There's an awkwardness because unlike a lot of people who will simply act on their whim among others, we will often wait for permission first. We respect personal boundaries, perhaps even to a detriment at times. ...

How true those words ring. Also the disdain for the gender roles.

 

[Kyrielle]

I'm awkward in expressing my love through spoken words. I often want to tell someone how much I love them and launch into some rather poetic statement of how much they mean to me. But I cannot form the correct words. So, quite often, they might see that expression enter my eyes and my face, but I will stay silent. Instead, I'll probably hug some part of them as if letting go might mean I drown or fall (which is sometimes how I feel). I'll breathe deeply and sigh, and hope they pull how I feel from how I'm hugging them.

I do tell someone that I miss them, but I try not to say it as often as I feel that way (because I would be saying it 24/7 while they're away, and I would also probably start to cry as saying so would continually open the wound). I do however, periodically say "I love you", but usually only when the moment feels right for it.

Usually, I don't express my enthusiasm about something we're going to do together, until we're right about to do it. Like if they're coming to visit, I don't get excited or express that excitement until a few days before the visit. I guess it's because I have a tendency to remain emotionally noncommittal until I'm 100% certain something won't happen to cancel the event. I've had a LOT of let downs in the past, and because I was too emotionally invested in the impending event, my disappointment was equal to my excited anticipation. So, I quit getting my hopes up until I'm sure it'll happen. However, when I see them coming down the road, I try to keep my smile under control, but I absolutely cannot help but to positively beam as they approach.

As far as traditional displays of affection (like gifts and flowers and things), I'm not too good at those both giving and receiving. I like to give and receive poignant, personal gifts if I must enter that realm at all. If my boyfriend wanted to give me flowers, I'd much rather he pick one as we're walking by and give it to me than present me with a bouquet. For him, he hates receiving gifts in general...unless I manage to reach his sentimental side with something personal, but funny. (I can't do lovey dovey or overly sentimental. I usually end up trying to be funny instead.)

 

[Callie]

My guy is sending me 2/3 texts each day on how much he's happy to see me again etc... If I were not into MBTI, I would find this a little too much. But because I know the MBTI, I try to respond in his love langage and I do the effort to send those type of texts too. He also is very much in asking me again and again, days after days how I feel about "us". I sometimes feel like I already said him 1 day earlier and since I won't change my mind in 1 day with no reason, I first didn't really understand why he was asking again. But then I remember that this is a huge difference between T/F. Thinkers need to say it one time and it's done. Feelers need to hear it several times. Now I got he needs me to say it several times, I do.... Even though I don't really understand why he needs this. Or maybe as a thinker, I am not so much into emotion expression and maybe he's feeling I express nothing. Whereas i feel like I express a lot. Those differences are interesting.

I was wondering if this is an ENFJ thing rather than INFJ. I think he's very much into me. He's often saying, he never felt so much at ease with someone so quickly like me. He's surprise to feel so fine around me after such a short time together. So maybe, an INFJ extraverted by an ENTP. It sounds totally huge to him to feel so fine around me, so quickly. Like it never ever happened to him before...

But well, yeah... I think, it's cool to know type's difference because it helps understanding each other. So thank you very much for your input. It was very interesting. And from what you are telling about gender roles and respect about personal space, I totally recognize him (and recognize what I especially appreciate about him).

Anyway... I was just rambling loud (and revealing truth about ENTPs )

 

[Sheisstellar]

Callie, You're a really lovely partner. It's truly awesome that you recognize your lover's need for affirmation and play along. I am definitely one of those people who need to hear several times how my SO feels about me through spoken word. I literally have to bite my tongue to keep from talking about how I feel too much. I wish all Ts dating Fs who need this type of affirmation recognize that it's important to us.

When it comes to me in relationships, I always start off awkward and yes, like many INFJs I even sometimes act contradictory to my actual feelings; ignoring and being standoffish, etc. Once I know the feelings are truly mutual and I really enjoy that person's company I become the exact opposite. With most, including friends, I am not touchy at all and can be perceived as cold. With a SO I am very touchy, cuddly, vocally affirming, caring, and extremely attentive. I often place them above everyone else, including family.

 

[Mav_]

I usually don't give anything up until I find it's worth it. I never ask for reassurance or emotional support and my feelings only come out when I am happy or comfortable. The only time I remember feeling awkward about expressing my feelings is when I felt my partner may be distant. That was a long time ago though. I have learned to keep my feelings and emotions in Check.

My guy is sending me 2/3 texts each day on how much he's happy to see me again etc... If I were not into MBTI, I would find this a little too much. But because I know the MBTI, I try to respond in his love langage and I do the effort to send those type of texts too. He also is very much in asking me again and again, days after days how I feel about "us". I sometimes feel like I already said him 1 day earlier and since I won't change my mind in 1 day with no reason, I first didn't really understand why he was asking again. But then I remember that this is a huge difference between T/F. Thinkers need to say it one time and it's done. Feelers need to hear it several times. Now I got he needs me to say it several times, I do.... Even though I don't really understand why he needs this.

I get the impression that he may sense distance from you. From what you are saying I sense it as well as you are probably getting a little annoyed by his constant need for reassurance. If you want him to stop, show him you appreciate him not through words but by action. His attitude will change and more focus will be put into the things he enjoys doing instead of you. Also this kind of need for emotional support can ruin a man. He may be getting weaker as you put less value on your "I love you 2" Texts. INFJs have a very keen sense for these things and so some men will try harder and harder to gain your satisfaction while not realizing he is in fact pushing you away. It's very complicated when it gets out of hand and sometimes the best thing is space so the people can reevaluate the relationship.

 

[Nightingalee]

I am an incredibly affectionate individual, however, my actions MUST reciprocate my emotions.
Furthermore, it annoys me if someone is acting affectionate towards me and I can tell that they don't really love me.. I had this with my ex..
It is good to feel an intimate 'oneness'.

 

[bengalcat]

Yeah. I'm getting the feeling that he feels insecure for whatever reason.

I mean... it's one thing to want to express your overflowing melty feelings and to enjoy hearing others express these things to you, but it's another to constantly be checking up on how the partner feels about "us".

It sounds sort of like he is really into you and really thinks you're the shit but doesn't feel quite secure and relaxed in the relationship yet. Like I'm sure he feels at ease with you as in that you accept him as a person and he feels like he's really being himself, but what I'm not sure about is whether he feels at ease with you in the boyfriend-girlfriend situation. It sounds like he's really thrilled but not like he's relaxed.

Personally I'd feel weird making efforts to elicit regular expressions and declarations of love and feelings from a partner. It wouldn't reassure me. It might be true that Fs like hearing these things more than Ts, but with my type of F I only like hearing it when I feel I can trust that it's that own person's personal, honest expression and that they didn't feel coerced, or like it's just a cursory duty. I've watched my brother respond in standard "good boyfriend" affectionate ways to a couple of his girlfriends, even though he didn't understand the need for it and he didn't necessarily have his own feeling driving the need to say it, and it just seems meaningless to me.

I'd be curious about how other INFJs feel on this.

 

[SOM]

He's often saying, he never felt so much at ease with someone so quickly like me. He's surprise to feel so fine around me after such a short time together.

I can have an instant, immediate connection with ENTP's - my longest-time friend is an ENTP, the first time we met (over 30 years ago) we clicked. We have clicked ever since. I just love ENTP's, you are so much fun, I love your crazy, random, smart minds~

 

[LiteratureNerd]

@GoodOldDreamer your answer is especially interesting. The thing about respecting bondaries in particular. My bf which I suspect to be an XNFJ is pretty like this. Even though i offer him to come over at my place late at night, he's going to ask me if I want him to stay over for the night. Whereas it's obvious that i invite him over to stay, he asks me each time if he can. When we talked about this, he told me that he will always ask me because it's just the way he is.....

Oh, yes... I can be the same way. I never like to presume anything - that can result in miscommunication! And I also don't want to take anything for granted.

Definitely awkward in the beginning stages of relationships, and the reason for this is twofold:

1. The beginning stages are open-ended - they have to be. Nevertheless, I still feel a bit nervous when a relationship is open-ended and undefined, and I'm not likely to relax enough to express those affectionate feelings comfortably (or without fear of backlash) until I'm 100% certain the person likes me just as much as I like him.
2. At my core, I'm an affectionate, cuddly person...unfortunately like most introverts, I guard that core very militantly...mostly due to the fact that I'm an extremely private person who doesn't like exposing herself to the entire world. Only to those I feel closest to - because I trust them.

My ENFJ, however, made it very easy for me to bust out my inner teddy bear. I also react to the personalities of others. His loving nature just happened to be rather infectious.

 

[Callie]

Hey guys, I think you are right. I talked about this with him. It sounds like as an ENTP, I am hard to read. I very clearly stated yesterday that I have feelings for him without him asking. I tried to open up as much as I could. For me it was really much actually. He was surprised because he didn't really guessed so far. I said some other things from earlier when we got to know each other and where I felt like I showed interest in him. He was very surprised because he didn't get any sign of interest I showed. He rather felt I was distant. It's my fault because I suck at expressing such things. I have the impression I was clear about it but it sounds like no. I think, he didn't fake the surprise. But now, it sounds like now he knows, he's acting different to me (and more prone to call me "his girlfriend" etc....) He says, I look strong and he can see I have issues to show a more vulnerable part of myself. This is probably totally related to my type. It seems there's something on my face that is showing "no emotion". Even though I thought I was showing some. It's the first time I heard this. But this might be true though...

 

[Mav_]

Personally I'd feel weird making efforts to elicit regular expressions and declarations of love and feelings from a partner. It wouldn't reassure me. It might be true that Fs like hearing these things more than Ts, but with my type of F I only like hearing it when I feel I can trust that it's that own person's personal, honest expression and that they didn't feel coerced, or like it's just a cursory duty.

I'd be curious about how other INFJs feel on this.

I can relate. I tend to feel nauseous if I'm forced to constantly express feelings or I am constantly reminded how much I am loved. Actions speak louder then words. Perhaps INFJ's already understand how that person feels about them and so being constantly reminded could be seen as weakness. I'm sure it varies from each individual though.

He says, I look strong and he can see I have issues to show a more vulnerable part of myself. This is probably totally related to my type. It seems there's something on my face that is showing "no emotion". Even though I thought I was showing some. It's the first time I heard this. But this might be true though...

Interesting.

 

[abysmalbeauty]

I have a very hard time expressing my feelings verbally and physically. I also have not ever felt complete trust with anyone but even with my family members my sister who is the closest person I have I notice I don't tell her often how much she means tome even though I think it all the time.