Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 27 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi all,

I'm Eddy, a 26-year-old Dutch male, with a long story. I hope my English is ok.

I just recently discovered that I’m an ENFJ. I'm not just an ENFJ, but an extreme one: I score 80+ % on extraversion, intuition and feeling, and 60% on judging.

I feel so disconnected from other people, I've always been shy and I’ve lived an introverted life. I know I'm a real late bloomer, which is very annoying. I've never been in a romantic relationship, and I feel very ashamed of this. This is just not normal, especially for an extreme extravert like me. I just want to have a girlfriend, I want to feel 'normal'. I've read all these wonderful stories about ENFJ's on personalitycafe.com and other forums, which give me a lot of hope. I also relate to a lot of problems other ENFJ's describe on this and other forums.

I have been visiting a counselor for about four months now, and he diagnosed me with having a severe identity crisis. According to him, I've never been through puberty mentally. He said that I'm an extreme shy extravert, and that I have an ENFJ personality. I took some test myself, and I’ve read personality descriptions, and I concur: I'm an ENFJ for sure, but an unhappy/unhealthy one. I never thought that I am/was an extravert though.

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I haven't found a girl. I'm not talking about 'the one', but just A girl. I've seen guys much more shy, more ugly, less intelligent than I am, and have had some success relationship-wise. These guys obviously got self-confidence because of the fact that they were able to get women.

I've had a lot of friends for the past ten years. I've helped them with a lot of things, even giving them dating and relationship advice, which is quite remarkable considering the fact that I’ve no experience in that department what so ever. Why are they not friends with me anymore? Well, they pretty much dumped me, because they are in romantic relationships, and they don't need me anymore, or I just don't fit in there evolved lives. It boggles my mind.

I've two bachelor degrees, and I'm just a thesis away from obtaining my master’s degree. Now I even doubt if this is the right carrier for me. I doubt about everything right now. I'm 26 years old, and I haven't reached one milestone of life. No girlfriend (now, or at least had one in the past), no carrier (to peruse), no social life, no nothing. Hell, i don't even feel like I'm 26 years old already; a 16-year-old boy must be more mature that I am.

I've a lot of older, mostly retired acquaintances. They were very successful men and women in their time. I'm talking about business people, doctors, and artists. I love to talk to them, telling about my problems. They cannot wrap their heads around it either. I've been told by them that I’m the smartest, charismatic and promising man they've ever met; especially this young in age. This sounds great of course, but it makes me doubt even more. What's wrong with me? What (simple thing) have I overlooked, or missed?

I have a female cousin from Canada. Her parents are Dutch, and immigrated to Canada 30 years ago. She moved to Holland two years ago, she's now 28. She is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen (I know, she family, so that's saying something!). She has a Canadian bachelor and master degree in neuropsychology, and is -also- a thesis away from obtaining a Dutch master’s degree in neuropsychology. She's also in doubt if this is her 'thing'. She's been single for her entire life as well. She looks very confident, but it took me just seconds to let my ENFJ-charm open her up: she cried about the fact that her two much younger sisters and her older brother were (getting) married. She also feels like she hasn’t reached a single milestone of life. She has various degrees, she is very beautiful and she immigrated on her one, so that’s not nothing. I always have great advice for people, but not this time. I don't understand the problem, let alone having a solution for it. I have the same problem, and I don't get it either. I think she's an ENFJ as well.

To me, it looks like having an ENFJ personality is a curse. It just doesn't work for me, and it doesn't bring me anything in life (as well as for my cousin). Great if it works for you, and I enjoy reading your stories, but it depresses me too.

I hope you can help me. Is this an ENFJ thing, or is it just me?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,770 Posts
Hi all,

I'm Eddy, a 26-year-old Dutch male, with a long story. I hope my English is ok.

I just recently discovered that I’m an ENFJ. I'm not just an ENFJ, but an extreme one: I score 80+ % on extraversion, intuition and feeling, and 60% on judging.

I feel so disconnected from other people, I've always been shy and I’ve lived an introverted life. I know I'm a real late bloomer, which is very annoying. I've never been in a romantic relationship, and I feel very ashamed of this. This is just not normal, especially for an extreme extravert like me. I just want to have a girlfriend, I want to feel 'normal'. I've read all these wonderful stories about ENFJ's on personalitycafe.com and other forums, which give me a lot of hope. I also relate to a lot of problems other ENFJ's describe on this and other forums.

I have been visiting a counselor for about four months now, and he diagnosed me with having a severe identity crisis. According to him, I've never been through puberty mentally. He said that I'm an extreme shy extravert, and that I have an ENFJ personality. I took some test myself, and I’ve read personality descriptions, and I concur: I'm an ENFJ for sure, but an unhappy/unhealthy one. I never thought that I am/was an extravert though.

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I haven't found a girl. I'm not talking about 'the one', but just A girl. I've seen guys much more shy, more ugly, less intelligent than I am, and have had some success relationship-wise. These guys obviously got self-confidence because of the fact that they were able to get women.

I've had a lot of friends for the past ten years. I've helped them with a lot of things, even giving them dating and relationship advice, which is quite remarkable considering the fact that I’ve no experience in that department what so ever. Why are they not friends with me anymore? Well, they pretty much dumped me, because they are in romantic relationships, and they don't need me anymore, or I just don't fit in there evolved lives. It boggles my mind.

I've two bachelor degrees, and I'm just a thesis away from obtaining my master’s degree. Now I even doubt if this is the right carrier for me. I doubt about everything right now. I'm 26 years old, and I haven't reached one milestone of life. No girlfriend (now, or at least had one in the past), no carrier (to peruse), no social life, no nothing. Hell, i don't even feel like I'm 26 years old already; a 16-year-old boy must be more mature that I am.

I've a lot of older, mostly retired acquaintances. They were very successful men and women in their time. I'm talking about business people, doctors, and artists. I love to talk to them, telling about my problems. They cannot wrap their heads around it either. I've been told by them that I’m the smartest, charismatic and promising man they've ever met; especially this young in age. This sounds great of course, but it makes me doubt even more. What's wrong with me? What (simple thing) have I overlooked, or missed?

I have a female cousin from Canada. Her parents are Dutch, and immigrated to Canada 30 years ago. She moved to Holland two years ago, she's now 28. She is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen (I know, she family, so that's saying something!). She has a Canadian bachelor and master degree in neuropsychology, and is -also- a thesis away from obtaining a Dutch master’s degree in neuropsychology. She's also in doubt if this is her 'thing'. She's been single for her entire life as well. She looks very confident, but it took me just seconds to let my ENFJ-charm open her up: she cried about the fact that her two much younger sisters and her older brother were (getting) married. She also feels like she hasn’t reached a single milestone of life. She has various degrees, she is very beautiful and she immigrated on her one, so that’s not nothing. I always have great advice for people, but not this time. I don't understand the problem, let alone having a solution for it. I have the same problem, and I don't get it either. I think she's an ENFJ as well.

To me, it looks like having an ENFJ personality is a curse. It just doesn't work for me, and it doesn't bring me anything in life (as well as for my cousin). Great if it works for you, and I enjoy reading your stories, but it depresses me too.

I hope you can help me. Is this an ENFJ thing, or is it just me?


I know bro how it feels bro... but first *hugs*

Just a question first. I wanna know what's holding you back from being with a girl.

I'm going to assume that you're not horribly disfigured from some airplane crash or maybe you headbutted a speeding bus cause then you would look like me and I'm still a bit more confident on my odds on that, I'm 21 btw...

I mean, in the 26 years of your life, I would assume that there are at least 100 girls you would have found yourself attracted to physically, at least in passing or as acquaintances and perhaps you might even have some of them as your friends (I know I have).

Are you selling yourself as someone who's unavailable?

Are you too shy or anxious when you speak to girls you're attracted to?

The infamous friendzone syndrome - not being very headstrong with your desires?

You are in a certain way successful in your academics so don't sell yourself short in achieving success. Not a lot of people have academic qualifications like you do and when you come out to work one day, you'll definitely stand out in the crowd... except maybe in the experience department but who cares...

I mean, I can relate to so many things that you said above. So much of my friends have complimented me on being so much more sociable and charismatic compared to other people, making it easier for them to open up to me and trust them but they always thought I was already with someone or romantically unavailable.

Perhaps you shouldn't focus on the problem but rather on the solution itself. Hope to hear from you again :3
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
196 Posts
Well Grandmaster-E Im new here as well and cannot speak about the others. however being several years into recovery from pretty wierd quasi-anti-social behavior myself.. It certainly wasn't easy for me to admit "in my case" that my reclusive behavior was a form of self-hating...

whether you want to try and quantify it in mbti "enfj" terms or not. One thing I can absolutly promise you is that are not alone in this very human experience and it is certainly NOT "just you"

personality crises, are actually not uncommon "though more common later in life I think..", I felt like I was nearly decimated about 5/6 years ago. I only want to say that if you can find a way to embrace the tumultuous nature of the world you are currently experiencing. perhaps the reason you feel so uncertain about yourself now, is that you already know that it is time for things to change. perhaps these currents now flowing around you. do not represent a rising tide which will subsume . and instead the rising tide is you. and all that is left is to let go of your old limits and allow yourself to float up.

Im not trying to sound contrived, corny, or overly metaphorical. I can deeply relate to much of what you have said. Im not sure if sharing the imagry I felt when embracing what truly felt like emotional drowning will be useful for you or not. I truly hope so however. and your welcome to PM on this site if that's something you would like to do.

Personally I have decided to stick around. the people here seem to be authentically interested in self exploration. and Im sure you will be welcome here as well :kitteh:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Thanks KC, *hugs* to you and all other readers.

I'm not sure what is holding me back from being with women, hence the identity crisis I guess. I've been told many times that I'm a very handsome, charming man. Many women ask me about my relationship status, well asking... they just say that I must be in a romantic relationship; when I tell them that I'm single, they don't believe me. But this is more in a ‘professional’ setting, not when I go out. For example: when I'm in a hospital, different nurses (of my age) keep asking me about my relationship status, or assuming that I'm in one right now. When I tell them that I'm single, they are puzzled. So I guess I look good and I'm dateable, although I'm still very insecure about my looks and whether women like me.

During my early childhood I had lots of male and female friends, and even girlfriends (nothing serious of course). I was a little bit shy, but it didn't matter, the shyness wasn't holding me back at all. I was definitely the class leader although I wasn't aware of that at that time. In hindsight I was a very happy and healthy ENFJ. But high school changed everything. My intelligence started to bloom, which is a good thing of course; but my social life collapsed because of it. Every year I got transferred to different classes and schools because I was just too smart. I didn't fit in anymore, and I was bullied. High school is a place for social development and experimentation, but not for me. I missed out on a lot of those social things. I changed from being an intellectual late bloomer to a social late bloomer. Now the social stuff starts to bloom again, but I lag behind my peers.

I’m definitely shy at first, but I can hide this very well. I think that I come across as very confident, whereas I don’t feel that way at all. This causes major misunderstandings with other people and women in particular. I have to approach women, and sweep them of their feet, otherwise nothing happens. Sure, this is easy for confident, charismatic and handsome men, but I don’t feel this way. The few women that have approached me, came on very strong. The basically said ‘Hi you, now do your thing’. Well, that doesn’t work with me.

@HappyRedux:
Thank you for you metaphorical response. You’re an ENFJ for sure!
I definitely feel that’s time for me to change, or that I’ve changed already and that I need to adjust my life and actions accordingly. I’m going to a debate club Wednesday, for the first time. I’m a little bit nervous for meeting all these new people, but I’ve to follow thru. I’m hoping to meet new people there, and hopefully make new friends and find a girlfriend there. Those people are way more educated, have better backgrounds and are kind of classy. I don’t come from such background, but I’ve always been the ‘strange smart one’ in my family of farmers and uneducated people.

What was your quasi-anti-social behavior HappyRedux?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
196 Posts
a
@HappyRedux:
Thank you for you metaphorical response. You’re an ENFJ for sure!
I definitely feel that’s time for me to change, or that I’ve changed already and that I need to adjust my life and actions accordingly. I’m going to a debate club Wednesday, for the first time. I’m a little bit nervous for meeting all these new people, but I’ve to follow thru. I’m hoping to meet new people there, and hopefully make new friends and find a girlfriend there. Those people are way more educated, have better backgrounds and are kind of classy. I don’t come from such background, but I’ve always been the ‘strange smart one’ in my family of farmers and uneducated people.

What was your quasi-anti-social behavior HappyRedux?
Warning the following probably contains blanket projection. if you want to feel like a double Debbie downer please by all means continue reading. I'm advising otherwise. dont say I didnt warn you. if you need another reason to avoid it.. it is basically a self obsessed monologue consisting of I this, I that, me me me grossness im kinda uncomfortable posting actually.. and looking back I feel like double face palming myself into the next century in horror. however everyone starts a journey somewhere and hopefully this can be eh... useful?



.. biggest problems seems to have been related to ehh.. mostly rejecting my own needs and preferences. one expression of that rejection was to isolate myself from others.. "and I was heavily invested in this idea." among many. essentially I projected my insecurities "Which I was also in abject denial about feeling at all"" of being untrusted as untrustworthiness and the anger I felt towards myself onto those around. me continueing to give unquestioningly while simultaneously blaming myself.. obviously the reason the people around me were untrustworthy was because I did not deserve their trust and could not be trusted :rolleyes:.. "ironicly this was true but in a completely different way than I could have understood then..

the result was an rather unhappy and often chronically depressed childhood for about 8 years.. accepting how rejected I had felt was an important part of putting some of the puzzle back together

funnily enough being that I was pretty much in denial about everything I felt.. obviously when I first found mbti I was convinced that I was an infp "deeply connected to my feelings" :shocked:.. "denial feels oh sooo good."maybe there is somthing to the theory that unhealthy persons act out there shadow type. and uhh as much as I love people who seem to express that preference.. for me atleast thats patently wrong. consequently nothing about mbti made even a modicum of sense and I left it for some time..

only recently rediscovering it with a much more honest, new and hopefully less self absorbed perspective :kitteh:

whew.. OMG its finally over.. still alive? :tongue:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
260 Posts
Ahhh.. * hugs!!!!*

As far as the identity crisis: I think I can partially relate to it. For a long time I thought I was an introvert or I wanted to challenge myself to be more spontaneous. My parents kept telling me I was quiet, immature, and I had to plan in order to be successful. It also didn't help that in high school I felt that I had to be this person and couldn't change. Not to say that I didn't love my parents and I was going through a lot, but in all honesty I realized I was so afraid of people not accepting me for me, I felt like I never really had emotional maturity until college which yes.. is kind of slow but all in all. I went to a counselor and learned I was an ENFJ. I just had trouble with intimacy because I was afraid of being rejected. As soon as I heard that everything I knew made sense! I realized too by talking with people, that doubting myself was just me experiencing a self- fullfilling prophecy that I needed to figure out who I was and what I believed without people constantly telling me what I should believe and how I should act.

Being 26: So I'm not 26. But my brother is 2 years older than that ,and I will tell you from his experience that he's questioning a lot right now. To put it concisely, he started a job with some friends right after he graduated, my parents are pushing him to make a decision, and he's so confused because he's happy with what he's doing. Sometimes, it takes time to make decisions. Yes it's important to make them sooner than later but maybe you should weigh the pros and cons of your job. Also, I'm slightly confused like you are. I'm graduating soon and have no idea exacting what career I'm going to end up with. I think that's the beauty of liking learning. For example, I'm taking this international relations class and am really interested in it. I thought for sure I wanted to do international health in terms of health prom or comm but now I might go into public health policy. However I won't really know until I really start working in the field.

Is it an ENFJ thing?
NO!!! You're going through a lot of what people in their late 20's go through. A lot of my brother's friends already are married and he's probably wondering the same thing. Also, I completely relate to how your friends talk to you. For example, a lot of my friends will ask for me advice about relationships when of course I haven't had a lot of experience. I think it's because they know you will listen and try to understand their situation before judging them. Who knows a lot of what they're going through might help you in the future? I'm glad you found something in common with your gorgeous female cousin:D. Maybe you and her should hang out more? She might see how awesome of a person you are and introduce you to her friends! I mean hey, if she's a gorgeous girl she's bound to attract a lot of really gorgeous people :D right?!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
@eburian: Thank you,

It's strange one can think he or she is an introvert, while he or she is actually quite the opposite. The fact that a counselor must tell you (me, and others) what our personalities are, and thereby explaining a lot of our problems also sounds kind of strange to me. We certainly have this in common then. I can’t figure out why I’m so late in discovering my personality. I’m a smart guy; I could have figured this out long before.

In hindsight I’ve been living like a zombie since high school. I went out a lot, but never socialized. I had (lots of) friends, although I never felt connected. I’ve never lived my life, but I let others live my life. I’ve never had the feeling that I’m in charge of my own life, or at least that I’m able to guide life to some degree. This feeling sucks.

I always thought that some things just kind of happen. Getting your first girlfriend, while you have no experience what so ever, but things just go automatically. The same thing for finding friends-for-life, who you keep no secrets for, even my lack-of-romantic-relationship-secret. And then there is the career-thing: yes this is what I want to do (for the rest of my life). No, I don’t have that either.

I know I’ve gained a lot of experience, seeing all those early and normal bloomers making mistakes and what not; and this is a good thing but it also hurts. I’ve an even bigger problem: I can’t have girlfriend-problems, because I don’t have one, and never had one. It might sound stupid but: I urge for gf-problems, then I’ll get my share of ‘normal’-life problems and bother others with these problems. Do you know what I mean?

The fact that my cousin has the same problem, enables me to look this from an outsider’s perspective. I mean, I see a beautiful, confident-looking, smart, adventurous women ‘failing’ in reaching life’s milestones. But I can’t come up with a logical explanation; let alone finding a solution for it. Maybe it’s just a late bloomer thing, maybe an ENFJ thing, or… just A thing. I’m indeed trying to support her, and trying to find support. Yea, going out with her would be great: D.

How are you doing now, Eburian?

@HappyRedux:

That’s quite a story, thanks for sharing. I kind of relate, although it’s hard to follow also; but that’s OK. I’m still processing your story, my problems and my life so far. I can’t come up with a better reply to your story; right now that is. And yes, I’m still alive :).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
I want to give you boys and girls an update, and ask some new questions.

I’ve been to two mixers of my new club, and I’m really enjoying myself. I introduced myself to everyone, and overcame my shyness with ease I might add. Maybe this is because I really want to socialize and make new friends. I discussed my shyness with a couple of them, and they all said that I wasn’t coming across as being shy at all. But while I’m chatting with these guys, I’m being bombarded with a lot of strong negative thoughts, like: “I don’t fit in!”, “I’m not being accepted!”, “I’m doing something wrong”, and the worst: “I’m fake, this is not me!”. I’m trying not to let these negative thoughts getting the better of me, but still those thought really suck.

I know I’m on the right track, but it’s hard. It really prevents me from being the extreme extravert that I am, because combatting these thoughts drains me from a lot of energy; and we all know that this is the very definition of being an introvert: socializing will deplete you of energy, and you need to be alone in order to get energized again. The problem is, I can’t be alone anymore. When I’m alone, I go nuts. Nothing works anymore, watching a DVD, listening to music, playing a videogame or whatever. I always saw myself as someone who could entertain himself, but in hindsight I was wrong. I know now that I’m definitely not an introvert.

Every evening I’m seeking ways to get out: going to a bar, a pool hall, going out to eat (fast food) instead of eating at home, or just going for a long drive (to nowhere). Doing these things alone is no fun, but it’s better that being home alone, and having no (human) interaction at all. I think my former friends were just enough to… well, not go crazy, but they weren’t making me happy either. Not just because I felt disconnected from them, of they took advantage of me; problems that I’ve described in previous posts but because I only had a few (about ten) of them, and they were too introverted in hindsight.

I need to have a lot of friends and acquaintances, otherwise I won’t be happy. Now I’m actively socializing, which I’ve never done before (strange ha?). But all these negative thoughts are (trying) to hold me back. What do you guys think? Sounds familiar? I need friends now, but I don’t want to keep falling in the same (ENFJ) pitfalls again either, i.e. sacrificing myself for my friends, or adjusting myself so they will like me. These kinds of friendships wear me out, so they are no good. I don’t know what to do anymore. Help please ;)!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
I want to give you boys and girls an update, and ask some new questions.

I’ve been to two mixers of my new club, and I’m really enjoying myself. I introduced myself to everyone, and overcame my shyness with ease I might add. Maybe this is because I really want to socialize and make new friends. I discussed my shyness with a couple of them, and they all said that I wasn’t coming across as being shy at all. But while I’m chatting with these guys, I’m being bombarded with a lot of strong negative thoughts, like: “I don’t fit in!”, “I’m not being accepted!”, “I’m doing something wrong”, and the worst: “I’m fake, this is not me!”. I’m trying not to let these negative thoughts getting the better of me, but still those thought really suck.

I know I’m on the right track, but it’s hard. It really prevents me from being the extreme extravert that I am, because combatting these thoughts drains me from a lot of energy; and we all know that this is the very definition of being an introvert: socializing will deplete you of energy, and you need to be alone in order to get energized again. The problem is, I can’t be alone anymore. When I’m alone, I go nuts. Nothing works anymore, watching a DVD, listening to music, playing a videogame or whatever. I always saw myself as someone who could entertain himself, but in hindsight I was wrong. I know now that I’m definitely not an introvert.

Every evening I’m seeking ways to get out: going to a bar, a pool hall, going out to eat (fast food) instead of eating at home, or just going for a long drive (to nowhere). Doing these things alone is no fun, but it’s better that being home alone, and having no (human) interaction at all. I think my former friends were just enough to… well, not go crazy, but they weren’t making me happy either. Not just because I felt disconnected from them, of they took advantage of me; problems that I’ve described in previous posts but because I only had a few (about ten) of them, and they were too introverted in hindsight.

I need to have a lot of friends and acquaintances, otherwise I won’t be happy. Now I’m actively socializing, which I’ve never done before (strange ha?). But all these negative thoughts are (trying) to hold me back. What do you guys think? Sounds familiar? I need friends now, but I don’t want to keep falling in the same (ENFJ) pitfalls again either, i.e. sacrificing myself for my friends, or adjusting myself so they will like me. These kinds of friendships wear me out, so they are no good. I don’t know what to do anymore. Help please ;)!
Still no replies. Anyone?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,819 Posts
Thank you Jawz. I'm just feeling a little bit down right now.
Hey .. hang in there :) Sending warm thoughts your way.

Just know that you're not alone in feeling alone, if you know what I mean. I have been surrounded by hundreds of people at many points in my life - but I've almost always felt alone. I've hung out in groups and felt alone for the most part. There were very rare few moments and friendships where I felt adequately cared for and respected.

I actually really wanted to post in your thread - but I usually take a few days to come up with an adequate response at times.

If you want to communicate with me directly, you can PM me if you like. I think there's definitely a fair bit of similarity here in our experiences. Maybe sharing more might help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #13 (Edited)
Hey .. hang in there :) Sending warm thoughts your way.

Just know that you're not alone in feeling alone, if you know what I mean. I have been surrounded by hundreds of people at many points in my life - but I've almost always felt alone. I've hung out in groups and felt alone for the most part. There were very rare few moments and friendships where I felt adequately cared for and respected.

I actually really wanted to post in your thread - but I usually take a few days to come up with an adequate response at times.

If you want to communicate with me directly, you can PM me if you like. I think there's definitely a fair bit of similarity here in our experiences. Maybe sharing more might help.
Thank you Jawz. Sorry to hear that, we have some things in common then.

I’m changing. I always thought that I was an introvert, but I’m an (extreme) extravert. I can’t relax at home anymore; I can’t watch TV, I can’t read and I can’t play videogames anymore. I’m still finding ways to get out, and be social. I’ve joined a few clubs, such as a pool club and a debate club. But I can’t connect to these people. Apparently I’m not shy (or I don’t come across as being shy to others). Strange, how can one think he’s shy, when he’s not? Anyway, these people compliment me a lot, but I still feel like I don’t belong. Like yesterday, I’ve won the award for being the best debater. How can this be? I just had five minutes to prepare myself; and I’m a shy guy, right? They want me as the prime debater now. I don’t know who I am anymore, and I want to connect to these people. Now they think I’m the best, but I carry a big secret: the I-never-had-a-girlfriend-problem. The shame. I excel at a lot of things apparently; but I’m not aware of that. But I can’t get a girlfriend though, that's what I really want. Maybe it's a lonely-at-the-top kind of thing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20 Posts
Dear Grandmaster_E,
This thread seems to get a decent amount of views and it is interesting, I think. I mean the way you perceive the world, and of course yourself is pretty fascinating. You have asked and now the answer will be given to ya. Are you ready? :p

There are so many things which I can discuss. I promise you will get something out of it this time. All you need to do is being patient and after you read it, spend a little time to reflect.

I think that a lot of people take the Myers-Briggs personality type a little too seriously. Yes, it does define your character on some level, yes it might explain some of your behaviors. But are the four letters YOU? I don't think so. Personality is complex and it takes a lot to form us as who we are today, you may say. Our identity is after all a mystery. You don't stop yourself at just one level. You will keep evolving and growing. It's a life long process.

To struggle with life is everyone's daily problem. It occurs to me that dating and relationships in general are the main focus for you at this very moment. I know it's frustrating for you. But come on, life has so much to look forward to. You can't possibly believe that when you master the art of scoring chicks, you will be happier with your social life.

Okay, You have helped your friends and others in their love life I get it. You are so helping, you are so charming, so smart, so talented, and everyone loves you etc. But here is the problem, and i think You see it also - why did people turn their back on you? Was it because after what you have done for them, and they got what they needed, they discarded you? Or did the relationship consume them greatly that they had no time for you? The answer is NO. You are an incredibly self-absorbed individual. You don't see it and it is your downfall. You need to wake up and see the world as it is. Humility is a virtue and as much as you think you are credited for all the make-believe talents you assume, you need to know that there are a lot of people out there who are a lot smarter than you are. Take it in your consideration and try to grow up.

"I have been visiting a counselor for about four months now, and he diagnosed me with having a severe identity crisis. According to him, I've never been through puberty mentally." I call it immaturity. You know, your psychologist and all the ENFJs in this forum have tried their best to put in to words how they think about you and what you can do to improve your situation. In short, I just want you to understand, everything is constructed in our mind. The mind has such a great power that turn dust into gold. It can also make you weak if you let it. Okay, let just say, you let a thought slip into your mind, and then the mind has a life of it own. So it will create all sorts of stories, and excuses (if you will). But remember, you can start it, and you can stop it. You are the master of yourself. The mind isn't You, you see. You live yourself on excuses and self-justification. Where is your will power? where is your determination? I truly believe that You are the creator of your life. And you need to see that too. Why do you have the need to ask for people about you? C'mon, if you are a smart guy, you suppose to know it already. Work on your confidence and esteem.

Claiming that ENFJ personality is a curse sounds so lame and insulting, to be honest with ya. How much do you think you know about ENFJ, or personality in general? I bet you have no clue. And you know what, I don't even think you are one of the fascinating ENFJs. You sound like an ESTJ. You don't have the introspection, and subtleness. You came in here, asking for help and there you were, promoting for how great you are. LOL. Please cut me some slack! Why didn't you go to the ENTPs forum and ask us? We would be more than willing to "help" you there. You know that ENFJs are so amazingly polite and they will try their bestest to listen to your craps and give you advices. Well, I do give advices to you too, don't I? But the thing is, I am bluntly honest to the core. I am compelled to write this piece to you and urge you to take a deep look within. After all, you are not a bad person. You just need a reality check. And hey, I just gave it to ya.
Cheers
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,695 Posts
I know I’m on the right track, but it’s hard. It really prevents me from being the extreme extravert that I am, because combatting these thoughts drains me from a lot of energy; and we all know that this is the very definition of being an introvert: socializing will deplete you of energy, and you need to be alone in order to get energized again. The problem is, I can’t be alone anymore. When I’m alone, I go nuts. Nothing works anymore, watching a DVD, listening to music, playing a videogame or whatever. I always saw myself as someone who could entertain himself, but in hindsight I was wrong. I know now that I’m definitely not an introvert.
My suggestion for a boost in self-esteem is very often the same; invest some time in projects and pursuits that make you happy will fill you with self-confidence and some sense of individual worth. However, I truly believe that everyone needs people or interaction with people to some extent, extrovert or not.

I absolutely understand the negative thinking and the draining nature of it. In social settings I often feel this way lately also, and feel a strong need to get away from the overwhelming feelings.

As far as negative thinking, you should look into positive replacement thoughts. I would recommend googling that phrase, and you shouldn't have a hard time finding information about it.

About half of this year I went through a period of social withdrawal in which I chose to lock myself up in my room and escape from the world using various tools. It became a source of comfort to me....the internet, TV series, etc. I have had a habit of falling into escapism since I was very young.

At the beginning of this year I sort of made a promise to myself that my happiness and emotional health would be a top priority.....and that I would stop running. I have actively opened up to the idea of new relationships and have met some excellent people. Sometimes I still get drained by negative thoughts, especially when I feel as though I've overstayed my welcome. I'm very sensitive to "vibes" and the slightest changes in a social atmosphere, which can be very taxing as well.

I think it's about maintaining a balance. I think you are doing the right thing in attempting to reach out. As far as not having a girlfriend, are you afraid of rejection/putting yourself out there......have you put yourself out there at any point to be with a girl?
(I'm sorry if you've already answered the question in a previous post. :])
 
  • Like
Reactions: Grandmaster_E

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
Dear Grandmaster_E,
This thread seems to get a decent amount of views and it is interesting, I think. I mean the way you perceive the world, and of course yourself is pretty fascinating. You have asked and now the answer will be given to ya. Are you ready? :p

There are so many things which I can discuss. I promise you will get something out of it this time. All you need to do is being patient and after you read it, spend a little time to reflect.

I think that a lot of people take the Myers-Briggs personality type a little too seriously. Yes, it does define your character on some level, yes it might explain some of your behaviors. But are the four letters YOU? I don't think so. Personality is complex and it takes a lot to form us as who we are today, you may say. Our identity is after all a mystery. You don't stop yourself at just one level. You will keep evolving and growing. It's a life long process.

To struggle with life is everyone's daily problem. It occurs to me that dating and relationships in general are the main focus for you at this very moment. I know it's frustrating for you. But come on, life has so much to look forward to. You can't possibly believe that when you master the art of scoring chicks, you will be happier with your social life.

Okay, You have helped your friends and others in their love life I get it. You are so helping, you are so charming, so smart, so talented, and everyone loves you etc. But here is the problem, and i think You see it also - why did people turn their back on you? Was it because after what you have done for them, and they got what they needed, they discarded you? Or did the relationship consume them greatly that they had no time for you? The answer is NO. You are an incredibly self-absorbed individual. You don't see it and it is your downfall. You need to wake up and see the world as it is. Humility is a virtue and as much as you think you are credited for all the make-believe talents you assume, you need to know that there are a lot of people out there who are a lot smarter than you are. Take it in your consideration and try to grow up.

"I have been visiting a counselor for about four months now, and he diagnosed me with having a severe identity crisis. According to him, I've never been through puberty mentally." I call it immaturity. You know, your psychologist and all the ENFJs in this forum have tried their best to put in to words how they think about you and what you can do to improve your situation. In short, I just want you to understand, everything is constructed in our mind. The mind has such a great power that turn dust into gold. It can also make you weak if you let it. Okay, let just say, you let a thought slip into your mind, and then the mind has a life of it own. So it will create all sorts of stories, and excuses (if you will). But remember, you can start it, and you can stop it. You are the master of yourself. The mind isn't You, you see. You live yourself on excuses and self-justification. Where is your will power? where is your determination? I truly believe that You are the creator of your life. And you need to see that too. Why do you have the need to ask for people about you? C'mon, if you are a smart guy, you suppose to know it already. Work on your confidence and esteem.

Claiming that ENFJ personality is a curse sounds so lame and insulting, to be honest with ya. How much do you think you know about ENFJ, or personality in general? I bet you have no clue. And you know what, I don't even think you are one of the fascinating ENFJs. You sound like an ESTJ. You don't have the introspection, and subtleness. You came in here, asking for help and there you were, promoting for how great you are. LOL. Please cut me some slack! Why didn't you go to the ENTPs forum and ask us? We would be more than willing to "help" you there. You know that ENFJs are so amazingly polite and they will try their bestest to listen to your craps and give you advices. Well, I do give advices to you too, don't I? But the thing is, I am bluntly honest to the core. I am compelled to write this piece to you and urge you to take a deep look within. After all, you are not a bad person. You just need a reality check. And hey, I just gave it to ya.
Cheers
To be honest Dexter, I hope you meant well by posting your view on this, but I’m hurt by your reply.

I’m an incredibly self-absorbed individual? I’ve been helping my abusive alcoholic father fighting through his cancer every single day for two years already, whereas my two sisters don’t do anything. Hell, why do I even help him? He has never been a father, or father-like for that matter. Wow, you’re right; I must be incredibility self-absorbed then! Why do I think my friends left me, because they don’t need me anymore? Because they told me that myself!

I’m immature? Ok, where do I start? My father forbade me to get my bachelor’s and master’s degree; but I persevered! I took jobs, so I could pay for my education myself. Wow, immature indeed! I’ve never done stupid things when I was a teen. I’ve never smoked a cigarette, never done drugs (and some of these drugs are even legal in my country), and I’ve never got a fine for anything. You’re right; I’m immature. I bet you’re mixing up the concepts of ‘having problems’ with ‘being immature’.

“You know, your psychologist and all the ENFJs in this forum have tried their best to put in to words how they think about you and what you can do to improve your situation.” Have I dismissed any of their comments? No! So, what are you talking about? I visit a counselor, and I’m trying to find some answers and insights on this forum. That’s not being immature, whiny or not having the introspection and subtleness that ENFJ’s do. I’m off for a weekend trip, with my new club; so I’m about to socialize. I’m fixing my problems as we speak. Get your facts straight, and don’t guess about.

Do I need a reality check? Yes, to some degree, I do. I’m doing better by the day. I do have some downtimes of course, but still. I’m changing at a fast pace, and I challenge you to do the same. Was I a little bit whiny in my OP? Maybe, but this is my way of opening myself up. I’m anonymous around here. I’m not like this in real life. I listen to other people’s problems, and I don’t whine about my own problems. Maybe, you just don’t get that.

I’m honored that you registered to this forum just for me. No seriously, in my opinion you’re the one that needs to grow up (by your definition that is).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
My suggestion for a boost in self-esteem is very often the same; invest some time in projects and pursuits that make you happy will fill you with self-confidence and some sense of individual worth. However, I truly believe that everyone needs people or interaction with people to some extent, extrovert or not.

I absolutely understand the negative thinking and the draining nature of it. In social settings I often feel this way lately also, and feel a strong need to get away from the overwhelming feelings.

As far as negative thinking, you should look into positive replacement thoughts. I would recommend googling that phrase, and you shouldn't have a hard time finding information about it.

About half of this year I went through a period of social withdrawal in which I chose to lock myself up in my room and escape from the world using various tools. It became a source of comfort to me....the internet, TV series, etc. I have had a habit of falling into escapism since I was very young.

At the beginning of this year I sort of made a promise to myself that my happiness and emotional health would be a top priority.....and that I would stop running. I have actively opened up to the idea of new relationships and have met some excellent people. Sometimes I still get drained by negative thoughts, especially when I feel as though I've overstayed my welcome. I'm very sensitive to "vibes" and the slightest changes in a social atmosphere, which can be very taxing as well.

I think it's about maintaining a balance. I think you are doing the right thing in attempting to reach out. As far as not having a girlfriend, are you afraid of rejection/putting yourself out there......have you put yourself out there at any point to be with a girl?
(I'm sorry if you've already answered the question in a previous post. :])
Hi Happy about Nothing.; interesting name btw :)

You’re right. I’m trying to find myself, or my ‘thing’. The fact that a lot of peers have found there self’s a long time ago, is just a little bit frustrating. I always questioned myself about what was wrong with me. Now I know: Nothing! I just need to find my thing, and then the happiness and confidence comes along (and a healthy social life).

I always thought that the shyness, looks, personality and a lot of other things were to blame. I just never got to the core of my problem. Therefore I think my counselor is right; this is my puberty (or identity crisis). It’s not a fun process, but it’s essential for further growth. I’m just (very) late, and it’s kind of extreme. You know, from being an introvert (that’s what I thought I was) to becoming an extravert.

In hindsight I’ve never put myself out there with a girl, or a (best) friend for that matter. Now I’m really connecting with people, or at least that’s what I’m trying to do. Now, I’m ‘there’. Do you know what I mean? The only thing that makes me restless right now, is that I need a best friend (and a girlfriend) in my life very fast now. It’s a waiting game, and that no fun. Now that I ‘get’ it, I want it.

It’s hard for me to describe my feelings, but I think I did very well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20 Posts
Now we are getting somewhere. ;)
Did you see how your response changed this time? If it wasn't about me provoking the whole thing, you wouldn't have the courage to express yourself in this way. All the previous responses weren't the core of your turmoil, this is. So now you are opening up and let the real you shine through.

Do you know why you feel hurt? It's not because I spoke something untrue about you. Sometimes the person inside of everyone of us perceives the world differently compare to the social image you put out for the world to see. You feel hurt because it's time to face the truth. It hurts because you are healing yourself. The best part about pain is when you encounter it face to face, you will get stronger as a result.

Deep down you know it. I won't say much. I have a feeling you get it this time.

Oh and I did register just for you. LOL. You believe it, don't ya? Oh how i love child-like attitude and naivety. And of course in term of growth, everyone is growing over time. In fact, I see yours over night. Sometimes the struggle to grow up is the main issue that causes you stress and anxiety. It's okay. It will pass.

Hope you have fun with your trip. Seriously I do. Nah, I am not evil as you think I am.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
Now we are getting somewhere. ;)
Did you see how your response changed this time? If it wasn't about me provoking the whole thing, you wouldn't have the courage to express yourself in this way. All the previous responses weren't the core of your turmoil, this is. So now you are opening up and let the real you shine through.

Do you know why you feel hurt? It's not because I spoke something untrue about you. Sometimes the person inside of everyone of us perceives the world differently compare to the social image you put out for the world to see. You feel hurt because it's time to face the truth. It hurts because you are healing yourself. The best part about pain is when you encounter it face to face, you will get stronger as a result.

Deep down you know it. I won't say much. I have a feeling you get it this time.

Oh and I did register just for you. LOL. You believe it, don't ya? Oh how i love child-like attitude and naivety. And of course in term of growth, everyone is growing over time. In fact, I see yours over night. Sometimes the struggle to grow up is the main issue that causes you stress and anxiety. It's okay. It will pass.

Hope you have fun with your trip. Seriously I do. Nah, I am not evil as you think I am.
Well, I very much hope that you were just provoking me to express myself like I did, and that you were not just being a @ss. My reaction could have been much worse, if I wasn’t the mature guy that I am :p.

I know. It’s just a process I’m going through right now. I’m changing for the better. Now, that I’m almost done with my education, the social stuff kicks in. The thing is, I haven’t planned it this way. It’s not that I chose giving my education a higher priority than socializing. I went out a lot actually, but it didn’t work out somehow. I was shy, but so were a lot of other guys, who had no problem in meeting that special someone. That’s where the anger comes from.

What’s your story anyway? Did you hit the Google Random Site-button and stumbled upon my pain :)?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20 Posts
Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to say thing as it is, buddy. And i made you reveal your true problems and concerns, you gotta give me credit for that. LOL. One thing though, I am always an ass. I think I have to make it straight for ya. Things happened which shaped me the way I am today and I am grateful for that. You have no idea how much I have been through. After serial events, I just thought, Oh well, maybe things happened, so I could learn. I be me. People are kind, yes, but they can also be the opposite of kindness also. I can't just sit there and feel sorry for myself. I need to find the way out, to make me happier.

You need to know that, no matter how much effort you put in a person, it doesn't mean they will see it, left alone appreciate you. See all of these as a process of learning and growth, and you will find peace. Because you know, people will see things within their knowledge or understanding. Too much help will overwhelm them and make them annoyed because they will realize how "helpless" they are. That is when they will push you away. Give people enough food for thoughts.

So you said the counselor claimed that you have not yet reached puberty mentally. If so, how could you make all the hard decisions as you did? I am still very puzzled. Or is it selective? As in you can achieve certain things and can't in other realms?

About relationships wise, my advice to ya, DON'T RUSH IT! you want quality over quantity. There are tons of people out there blessed with an abundance of willing partners; however, they don't feel love, or loved. Be careful with the energy you put out, buddy. You attract what you are. So think about it carefully and rechannel your thoughts. I hope you will find her soon.

About your socialized skills, let me tell you some thing. Socializing is good and I know you are eager to give all your game to the world after a halt period of long hard education. Do it slowly with caution. Again, quality over quantity. You don't want to attract the wrong crowd. It is applied everywhere in the world though. Just be yourself and people like minded will come to you. You be someone else, and they might like you for that other person. And chances are you won't like the image you created or you won't like the people you your social network.
 
1 - 20 of 27 Posts
Top