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Iron Fist
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I'm bookmarking this thread because I need help with these. :crazy:
 

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Promising and fun topic! I make fun of anything and everything, but it's always lighthearted. The only exceptions are entities that exploit people, in which case I'm serious. I also specialize in saying horrible things for comedic value. The only trouble here is that I don't pre-formulate anything; it's always on the spot. So I shall do my best.

Examples, in response to...


An unreasonably rude individual: "I guess the days can be difficult with a splintery plank lodged up your shoot."

Someone who's insanely spastic: [points] "Don't feed it after midnight."

Someone who is going out of their way to be whiny, difficult and overtly mean to people over it: "Aww. What's the matter, frumpy face? Somebody have a case of the saggy rainbows?"

"How's your food?" (it was really, really bad): "It tastes like apathy."

Unaware, slow moving, zombies in a crowded grocery store: "These space cadets are just walking aimlessly into stacked merchandise causing landslides of items, glass shattering, melons exploding, people getting crushed to death by fleets of carts while emitting awful screams, children whining and angels crying."

BP offering $8 passes to Sea World, in efforts to make amends for the oil spill: "Wait... what!? That's just insult to injury. 'Your family's dead. Now do some tricks, ya lil' bastard!'"

Seeing a gas station called WaWa: "Huh, I had no idea Helen Keller owned a gas station chain..."

To three random charges on top of regular ticket prices: "It's like a homeless guy randomly spat in your mouth. It's uncalled for, and leaves you wondering why you just accepted it."

U.S. Government: "Bureaucracy is a slight of hand, fine-tuned art of working toward getting nothing done, at all times."

Narnia
: "Let's face it, Mr. Thomas is a crappy character. Seriously. He looks ridiculous. [Obnoxious stance and voice] 'HEH-Loooo!' I mean, how many kids do you think exclaim, 'Awwh! I WISH I HAD GOAT LEGS!' Mr. Tomás, give me a break."

---

I know I've had numerous better, clever and hilarious comments. But I'm totally blank right now. So this is what you're stuck with---a blinding array of "Why am I reading this?"

Oh, right, and I'm a New York State native. Seventy-five percent of our dialect is sarcasm. So here's my explanation for the tone:

To New Yorkers, cynicism is like carbon dioxide. It's constantly produced, and must be exhaled to live. So the biggest pricks you meet are just hardcore survivalists.
 

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This was probably my best insult to date:

*I walk along at school, busy being uncool and wearing my doc martens which I stomped in the puddles with*

Dickhead guy in my year who also happens to be overweight and have man boobs:
"NICE BOOTS"

Me:
"Nice tits."

Him; *dies*

All of his friends: ROFLMAO SHE GOT YOU LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
 

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I hope you die.

Rolls off the tongue, and what's the comeback? Short, sweet, and to the point.
Unless said individual unexpectedly breaks down into a mess of tears, head downward, lips quivering, and arm lifelessly plopping forth revealing a dark handgun. Gasping as he whimpers with hard, painful breaths, "me more than anyone."

*BANG*

You later find out he was on his way to the crisis center, until you reminded him that there was nothing left in this world. His family had died in an accident months prior, and he was the driver.

His comeback to your insult was scaring you, in a horrific way, for the rest of your life. PTSD and the works.


So... hypothetically, there is a comeback.
 

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I think the last time I insulted someone to their face, I was in highschool. It was during an ice hockey game and he was constantly berating my play. I said, "if you were any more pussy, I'd fuck you." He then gave me the smelly glove face wash and punched me in the face.

On that note:
 

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ENFP-A
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I don't ever, I mean EVER seriously insult someone. But I do tease for fun, especially girls.

-I always bugged one girl I knew about her "mirrored" skin since it was so white. She laughed but later I found out she found it hurtful too.

-I would tease my ex-girlfriend her boobs were smaller than mine, she found that pretty funny. She probably SHOULD have been hurt by that.

-I tease my good buddy Cody relentless about being a hardened man who did time in "the slammer" after he spent one night in the drunk tank last New Years.

So as you can see, not traditional "insults" but playful teasing.
 

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"you change friends as everyone else change underwear!" yeah... i'm SO MEAN!
but it's not as good in English... :(
 

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I still remember this hot guy in jr. high.. girls would run up from behind and grab his penis.. one day this girl named Leslie goes up to him and says, "hey Tom, why are your eyes so small."

Tom, being the quiet, mysterious shy guy goes: "Leslie, why is your nose so BIG?"

Messed up...
 

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BP offering $8 passes to Sea World, in efforts to make amends for the oil spill: "Wait... what!? That's just insult to injury. 'Your family's dead. Now do some tricks, ya lil' bastard!'
I, as the kids say, straight up LAWLED. :laughing:

As for me, I also rarely actually insult people, as I avoid conflict like schoolwork and a staph infection all in one, but I am all for the lighthearted banter and friendly teasing.

My best friend never remembers if she's told me a story before, and if she has I'll start reciting it along with her in sing song until she realizes what I'm doing and stops talking.

The only "insult" I can think of is that sometimes I call my INFJ bf my "delicate lil' flower" but I don't mean it in a bad way at all. I don't know what effect it ultimately has coming from one's lady...


And of course, all my awesome one liners have been wiped from my memory, but really, I can be quite funny....I swear...aw, nuts, :unsure:
 

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I'm bookmarking this thread because I need help with these. :crazy:
OMG Me too! Not that I would ever use them to inflict pain, more playful banter and despite loving that, I really struggle sometimes to come up with anything remotely funny/insultive towards the other person.....im more likely to poke fun at myself than others....:tongue:
 

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When my friends call me "gay" I reply
"well doesn't matter your so far in the closet you found your dads 70's wardrobe"
Or
"your soo far in the closet you found letters you wrote to Santa"
My all time favorite when I'm mad at someone and there trying to tell me something
"look at my face *points to face* this is the face of I don't give a flying penguin fuck!"
 

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I think the last time I insulted someone to their face, I was in highschool. It was during an ice hockey game and he was constantly berating my play. I said, "if you were any more pussy, I'd fuck you." He then gave me the smelly glove face wash and punched me in the face.

On that note: Insults
That was so AWESOME. I LOVE IT!!!!
 
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