[ThirdArcade]

Hi INFPs,

Yesterday, a friend of mine (tested as both an ENFP & INFP), who I met through university a few months back came by to my place yesterday on his way from his parents place. Long story short, him and I have developed an extremely deep connection (we have texted/talked every single day since the first day of March). He is doing his teaching practicum in a another city, while I am doing my in my town....It was established a few weeks back that we both have feelings for each other. Only problem is, he has some trust issues from a previous relationship (due to ex cheating on him...this was 4 years ago) & also, he said he doesn't want to drag me into that.

So, here is the situation at hand... we know that we have an amazing bond and that we feel for each other in a "more than friends way", however he told that his mind is asking him to return to his ex (not that one that cheated on him, but another) because she feels like a "old hat" and he is "comfortable" with her. On the other hand, his heart is telling him to choose me. He used the analogy of a "monkey trap". :frustrating:I told him that we cannot continue to stay friends if he decides to choose her (too much temptation for emotional cheating / him sharing his emotions with me, but not developing communication with her). I also told him he needs to give her 100% of himself to her and forget about me if he decides he wants to be w/ her. I told him how excited I am to hear from him & how we just seem to "understand" each other so well (to which he nodded in agreement). I ended up crying a lot & he apologized for doing what he was doing. He kept wanting to know if we are going to have a friendship...to which I told him, it is impossible to move back because we are too close & we know we can both have something more. :crying:

He said he will come by on Thursday/Friday to give me some wine and mead that he made. I told him, after he comes by, we cannot talk until May 10th. At that time, he can make his decision for sure. Some say I have lost the "ball" in my court & that it is stupid to even pursue this because he isn't totally over his ex (from his descriptions of her, it sounds she has tried to change him whereas he has told me that it is refreshing that I accept him for who he is.:frustrating:

Any thoughts on this matter?

 

[ComedianINFP]

@ThirdArcade , I am sorry to hear of your heart struggle in this. I think if I understand your story, you are right that you can't really step backwards into the "friends" role with any comfort at this point, and you need to either explore romance or separate. That's very insightful and honest of you to communicate that.

Also, your friends are probably correct that he really needs to work his feelings out for this other person, and I doubt that you will be able to help him in this regard. The best thing to do seems to be what you are doing, which is giving him space to make up his mind. Of course, he would like to keep you close enough to benefit from your friendship while he goes through this process, but your presence will most likely just cloud the issue rather than help him resolve it. If he relies on anyone to figure this out, it should be a friend and not a potential girlfriend.

It's okay to say, "You need to choose between us" and then let him make that choice. I think anything else just brings unintended problems for your relationship down the road. It seems you already know this, so hang in there.

 

[illicit iridescence]

Mhm, personally, I wouldn't want to be someone else's "old hat", and I wouldn't want to be with someone who's with me because I feel "comfortable" to her.

I don't have much to say at this point, @ComedianINFP sort of said it all.

Except that if your E/INFP list this 'comfortability' as the only reason to go back to that ex, you should drop this guy. That's really a sad reason, when on its own.

I suppose from an MBTI point of view, he's in Si-mode when he's reminiscing how nice it was with that particular ex? My gut instinct tells me that it's not a good idea to make a decision in this mode as an INFP. Then again, I wouldn't want to go back to one of my exes myself, so that may cloud my judgment. ^^;

 

[Vin The Dreamer]

however he told that his mind is asking him to return to his ex (not that one that cheated on him, but another) because she feels like a "old hat" and he is "comfortable" with her.

This part makes me raise an eyebrow a bit. I don't believe "being used to someone" is a good reason to enter/re-enter a relationship. Although if he still really has genuine feelings for her, then I understand his conflict. Otherwise, I'd be rooting for you.

I do like that you gave him time to think over it. This way he'll be able to review things calmly and sort out his feelings before making a final decision. I believe the best solution, especially relationship-wise, should appeal to both mind and heart, although it is easier said than done.

 

[TrueNorth]

Your friend seems to be wrestling with his Te and his Fi, at least from an INFP point of view. Since his ex really did a number on him, she's likely pressuring his Te to send him back to her.

It sounds like he's consciously aware of the conflict and that you've done all the right things, so it's on him to follow his heart rather than his head. If he's not ready to do that, then it's his own issue to figure out.

(Sorry, still incredibly new here, but since my Fi and Te are doing battle with each other, this thread hit close to home and had to say something.)