Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 29 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,721 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
This thread is a partial vent, but I feel like something needs to be said about this topic. I'm kind of upset over what I heard.

Just a short while ago I was at the gym, and as I was in the locker room this woman and presumably her daughter were at the scale. She had the girl step on the scale. "You're fat", she said in a harsh tone. She said it two more times, I guess she was really trying to force the message into her. The girl stared at the floor, the look on her face said it all. Thinking back I wish I had been able to process the situation fast enough to actually speak up for her before they walked out. I wish I could have told her "Hey, I'm fat too." I wish I could have reassured her "someday you'll be an adult and I believe in you that you'll work out because you choose to, not because of your bitch of a mother."

This is NOT how you help someone to lose weight. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. You can encourage them but in the end they must learn to self-motivate, parental disapproval/shaming or forcing them is not the way to do it. If forced, they will stop the moment you aren't around to shame them and the whole thing will be remembered bitterly.

Fat people aren't stupid, they know they're fat every day they look in the mirror. I've been there too, the down feeling as a parent tells you you're too fat. And because its your parent, there's no winning, there's no defending yourself. It never made me want to try. It made me shut down and try shut it out. That's what I saw in that girl, shutting down. I've been overweight since I was a kid, and when I was young being told these things "crazitaco is fat" just felt like a fact, reality and I didn't feel like it was something that was likely to ever change. I still don't know if I'll actually do it or not, but I've been going strong 30 minutes moderate cardio almost daily for about a month and I really hope to make this a permanent lifestyle change.

Shit like this is why kids go onto tumblr and write about "fatphobia". Fat-shaming has the opposite of the intended effect, instead of learning to self-motivate, it pushes them deeper into their state learned helplessness. And in that state they'll cling to whatever message gives them their hope and confidence back. Unfortunately, without any source of positive encouragement to loose weight, they instead cling to the false positivity in the message of "fat acceptance", which is just as harmful as the shaming. Being fat isn't healthy, this is the hard reality. Being fat makes your life harder/worse off in every way. Its a strain on your physical health, its a strain on your mental health, its a strain on your finances. What's driven me to start exercising is concern over heart disease and how such disease would lower my quality of life. I wouldn't want to be diabetic and constantly worry about my blood sugar for the rest of my life, I wouldn't want to stroke out and lose control over half my body either. I would lose so much of my time and effort in an uphill battle to maintain my miserable and degraded body instead of spending that time in ways that I want to.

But anyway, that's all I have to say. Work out because it'll make your life better.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
644 Posts
Honestly it may be my aspergers talking, but I can't comprehend why it's so hard to be confident in spite or even in embracing something like this. You're fat, you're not a murderer or rapist or something actually legitimately wrong for crying out loud... or I hope not anyways.

Point is I work out because I just desire to be the strongest, fastest, etc. Not because I judge how I look. If I could trade in my checkered past for instead just being permanently fat. I'd do it in a heartbeat, real talk.
 
  • Like
Reactions: daleks_exterminate

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,721 Posts
Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
Honestly it may be my aspergers talking, but I can't comprehend why it's so hard to be confident in spite or even in embracing something like this. You're fat, you're not a murderer or rapist or something actually legitimately wrong for crying out loud... or I hope not anyways.

Point is I work out because I just desire to be the strongest, fastest, etc. Not because I judge how I look. If I could trade in my checkered past for instead just being permanently fat. I'd do it in a heartbeat, real talk.

You can be confident in other ways in spite of being fat, its just that you'll probably be insecure about your weight when it's brought up, especially if a parent "weaponizes" it and uses it against you to make it feel like a personal character failure. For instance I was always confident in my art/music skills, but refused to check or think about my weight.

And like I said, when you've been fat since you were young its just your reality and it feels set in stone. I just don't want to be overweight anymore because it's inherently harmful. I'm doing it for my own sake, not because I care about being the best at anything or because I care about looks. Though I'd love to be fast and strong because its useful.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
644 Posts
You can be confident in other ways in spite of being fat, its just that you'll probably be insecure about your weight when it's at the forefront of your mind, especially if a parent "weaponizes" it and uses it against you.

And like I said, when you've been fat since you were young its just your reality and it feels set in stone. I don't want to be overweight anymore because it's inherently harmful.
Right, I /understand/ why people do. I'm just saying my robotic autistic brain doesn't think like that because it goes like:
Insecure = You believe something is wrong with you, by definition.
Wrong = A moral issue, unless you're talking about answering a question where there is a specific answer intended. Right or wrong, good or bad.
Fat = A natural part of the body.
Obesity = Too much fat to be healthy, only affects the person that is obese.
Conclusion: Being fat by definition isn't wrong.

To someone with aspergers, who sees the world in dictionary definitions, something subjective and nuanced like Fat Shaming doesn't naturally compute. It's a beautiful tool cause it's exactly why I was able to turn my own insecurities into confidences in the flick of a switch, as soon as I started purely analyzing the /rationality/ of it all.

Granted, it's a double edged sword because I can end up rationalizing myself into holes of uncertainty. Which I will have a great issue trying to climb back out of.
 
  • Like
Reactions: daleks_exterminate

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,721 Posts
Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
Right, I /understand/ why people do. I'm just saying my robotic autistic brain doesn't think like that because it goes like:
Insecure = You believe something is wrong with you, by definition.
Wrong = A moral issue, unless you're talking about answering a question where there is a specific answer intended. Right or wrong, good or bad.
Fat = A natural part of the body.
Obesity = Too much fat to be healthy, only affects the person that is obese.
Conclusion: Being fat by definition isn't wrong.

To someone with aspergers, who sees the world in dictionary definitions, something subjective and nuanced like Fat Shaming doesn't naturally compute. It's a beautiful tool cause it's exactly why I was able to turn my own insecurities into confidences in the flick of a switch, as soon as I started purely analyzing the /rationality/ of it all.

Granted, it's a double edged sword because I can end up rationalizing myself into holes of uncertainty. Which I will have a great issue trying to climb back out of.
There's the category of overweight which is low-grade obesity. Being called fat is usually intended as a less clinical way to say someone is overweight. Fat can be a noun or an adjective, when used as an adjective pointing out a person's fat in relation to the rest of their body can cause insecurity. Context changes how the word is used and interpreted. Anyway this girl was closer to obese than overweight. But that doesn't change that the way her mother behaved was not helping her.

For instance here's the word fat as an adjective:

[HR][/HR]adjective, fat·ter, fat·test.

1. having too much flabby tissue; corpulent; obese: a fat person.

2. plump; well-fed: a good, fat chicken.

3. consisting of or containing fat; greasy; oily: fat gravy; fat meat.



The noun version is basically an extended version of your definition.


noun

1. any of several white or yellowish greasy substances, forming the chief part of adipose tissue of animals and also occurring in plants, that when pure are colorless, odorless, and tasteless and are either solid or liquid esters of glycerol with fatty acids; fats are insoluble in water or cold alcohol but soluble in ether, chloroform, or benzene: used in the manufacture of soap, paints, and other protective coatings and in cooking.

2. animal tissue containing much of this substance; loose flesh; flabbiness:



If she said "you're fat" and was using fat intended as a noun, then this sentence would be absurd, the girl is not literally a white/yellowish greasy substance. Therefore the adjective of the word is assumed given the context of the words coming before it.
 
  • Like
Reactions: daleks_exterminate

·
Banned
Joined
·
644 Posts
There's the category of overweight which is low-grade obesity. Being called fat is usually intended as a less clinical way to say someone is overweight. Fat can be a noun or an adjective, when used as an adjective pointing out a person's fat in relation to the rest of their body can cause insecurity. Context changes how the word is used and interpreted. Anyway this girl was closer to obese than overweight. But that doesn't change that the way her mother behaved was not helping her.

For instance here's the word fat as an adjective:

[Insert Dictionary Definition Here]

The noun version is basically an extended version of your definition.
Right, but following the definition the only sense in which it is "wrong". Is the wrong way to have a stable metabolic system aka, be healthy. Which isn't an objective system of value. It's definitely an issue for a parent to be concerned about, but not something to shame in any context.

In other words, when you JUST read the dictionary definition. Where in there do you see "something you should be ashamed about"? Normal people add in their own irrational biases that have nothing to do with the objective facts. They include their status quos, their subjective sense of beauty, etc.

The Aspie's brain is categorically immune to those sorts of judgements.
 
  • Like
Reactions: daleks_exterminate

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,721 Posts
Discussion Starter #7 (Edited)
Right, but following the definition the only sense in which it is "wrong". Is the wrong way to have a stable metabolic system aka, be healthy. Which isn't an objective system of value. It's definitely an issue for a parent to be concerned about, but not something to shame in any context.

In other words, when you JUST read the dictionary definition. Where in there do you see "something you should be ashamed about"? Normal people add in their own irrational biases that have nothing to do with the objective facts. They include their status quos, their subjective sense of beauty, etc.

The Aspie's brain is categorically immune to those sorts of judgements.
I'm not gonna turn this thread into a "aspie" rationality vs irrationality debate thread, sorry. I did atleast try my best to explain how it works, but the part you miss in this scenario lies in body language and the tone of voice being used to convey shame.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
644 Posts
I'm not gonna turn this thread into a "aspie" rationality vs irrationality debate thread, sorry. I did atleast try my best to explain how it works, but the part you miss in this scenario lies in body language and the tone of voice being used to convey shame.
That wasn't my intention, if anyone did that it was kinda you. I was just saying that if you just realize that the rational truth contradicts the insecurity, then you have nothing to be afraid of.

It's why you wanted to speak up, you intuitively understood the fundamental problem with that "dumb bitch" imposing her abusive shallowness onto her child.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
301 Posts
I think there nothing wrong with being fat. What bothers me about this topic is:

Firstly, when a fat, I mean obese fat person, not a chubby one, says they are perfect this way and make excuses that "I love being this way and I am hot this way" or those girls who say "well I am fatty but at least I have big boobs." Srsly... xD

Secondly, when a chubby/not super skinny person gets fat-shamed. Ok, nobody should be fat-shamed but this makes absolutely no sense.
 

·
Infractionated
I drive a blue tricycle with a gold bell.
Joined
·
8,603 Posts
I don't think fatshaming works on many people. It does on some. Because it works on some, people think it should work on everyone, but statistically that's just not true.

My mom never told me that I was fat or needed to diet or anything like that. Unfortunately she had a very unhealthy body image of herself. I saw that growing up, so I became scared of "fat" like it was the plague. She joined weight watchers when I was 12 (despite not being overweight according to bmi) and so I asked if I could do it with her (despite also having a normal bmi/ athletic/ on a swim team, etc) At first she said no because I didn't need to diet (I appreciate that), but she finally agreed when I really pressed for it.

Even still, I try not to be, but it's something that pops into my head. My psychiatrist upped my dexamphetamine dosage and mentioned that I may start eating less (so watch that and make sure I'm eating), I have to admit some small part of me was happy about it. I have to suppress that.

Being skinny isn't an award or an accomplishment. Being overweight isn't the end of the world. It doesn't mean you're instantly going to develop heart disease, or diabetes, or whatever else. For some reason, our society tends to act like fat people are a burden. Many people who have a high weight are still perfectly healthy and skinny people do get "fat people diseases".

At the largest I've really ever been (which was overweight), I went jogging with my very skinny sister. She couldn't keep up. She had to keep stopping for air. She had no stamina. It was pathetic, really. I think there's often this idea that overweight people are lazy, or super out of shape. That's really not always the case.

It's like society ideas of healthy and unhealthy food. I.e. "salt is bad for you, eat less of it" BUT for someone who has low blood pressure/sodium, they need extra salt. Yet someone without a medical or nutritional license will probably be around to comment on their salt usage, because they should clearly listen to rando #5 .

As far as parenting goes, having a daughter myself, I want to be really careful on this. I never want to bring up weight. I want to promote the idea that being healthy is good. That being athletic/having stamina is good. I want to promote the idea that food should give nutrition, but I never want to say a food is "bad", or that a scale number matters.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,075 Posts
Fat-shaming has the opposite of the intended effect
IDK, I'm working out and following about 70% of what my nutritionist tells me, and I am pretty sure that my main motivation is to one day be skinny enough to fat shame others.

(That and avoiding diabetes, but mostly the fat-shaming).
 

·
Infractionated
I drive a blue tricycle with a gold bell.
Joined
·
8,603 Posts
IDK, I'm working out and following about 70% of what my nutritionist tells me, and I am pretty sure that my main motivation is to one day be skinny enough to fat shame others.

(That and avoiding diabetes, but mostly the fat-shaming).
Hahahahahhahahahah.
This killed me. XD
If you want, we can see who loses weight first :p
Considering that I have to force myself to eat the odds aren't looking great for you. :p
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
29,013 Posts
Reminds me of when my parents used to berate me over my poor posture and whenever we would encounter a hunched back old lady, they would tell me I would end up like that lady. It really just made me angry and didn't encourage me to do anything about it.
 

·
Infractionated
I drive a blue tricycle with a gold bell.
Joined
·
8,603 Posts
Reminds me of when my parents used to berate me over my poor posture and whenever we would encounter a hunched back old lady, they would tell me I would end up like that lady. It really just made me angry and didn't encourage me to do anything about it.
I'm obnoxious, but this would just make me pretend that I thought quazzi motto was awesome and hang posters of the Disney version all over my room pretending to idolize him. :)
 

·
Registered
INFJ less than 1%
Joined
·
7,065 Posts
But her mother is the person who gives her food to eat so isn't she actually responsible? lol

Fat shaming is really dumb, it's something people use as an excuse to look down on people and feel superior. A skinny person could probably eat a whole pack of jaffa cakes and sit on their backside all day lol. I've met a lot of people who do. Anyone who fat shames someone is probably brain dead. Just ignore them and their stupidity.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,075 Posts
Damn it. That's a good point. And I have no desire to actually be overly skinny. I'm not a fan of that look.
You and Pifan looked pretty slender to me last time I saw you, not like skinny, more healthy slender. I guess that was before the pregnancy though? I suppose it's been awhile.

Honestly skinny is probably not on the table for me, my range doesn't go all the way to triangle / beam / straw, it's more like ball to brick, and I'd be fine with brick - there's no risk of diabetes with brick.
 
1 - 20 of 29 Posts
Top