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I'm in a weird relationship with an INTJ

Kind of like those ones you could make a cheap New Age movie about

He's a sharply intellectual guy who's into theoretical math
I'm a messy hippie who's into anthropology

Okay I'm romanticizing but blah

We've been hanging out/sleeping together for 2 years and it's a bit of a childish relationship, as in, it's all banter. Really intuitive, complex, full of implicit, "invisible chess" banter, but still just banter. We never had a serious talk about anything real. Sometimes we'd see each other every week for ages followed by unannounced periods of not speaking at all and then we'd randomly reappear at each other's doorsteps at 2 am a month later and it'd start again. All communication in this relationship has always been done subliminally through implicits, that's where all the fun and sexual tension came from. I know that's not very healthy but neither of us wanted anything serious.

A few months ago we moved to different cities, but we visit each other occasionally and talk a lot, though still nothing explicitly serious, we just Skype some evenings, tell each other about our day and end up falling asleep next to our computer screens.

I've come to really appreciate everything that he is and decided I don't wish to continue unless we break the wall down. I want to call him and ask him if we can stop and just make explicit all the implicits, say what we honestly think. I wouldn't pressure him to do it immediately but ask him to think about it. I don't really know why I thought it would be a good idea to ask strangers on the internet, it's not like my decision should depend on it but I'd like to hear some thoughts:

I always misevaluate how important a relationship is to the other person. Does anyone think it sounds like there's a chance he'll accept? Or he'll just shut down because it crossed over from silly and easy distance to way too fucking serious?
 

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INTJ's value honesty--well, I do, anyway. I can't imagine that you'd be doing anything wrong in just coming right out and saying what it is that you want from him. On the other hand, if he doesn't feel quite the same way, there's a small chance that the relationship will be permanently flushed down the toilet if you step up to the plate with some serious proposal.

All told, I think you just have to sit down and evaluate what is most important to you: the relationship continuing at any cost, or the relationship moving in a certain direction even if that means disagreement and breaking it off altogether.

I suppose I'm in support of you taking the leap and telling him what you want. You're going to continue desiring a certain kind of bond, even if you try to shove your feelings under the proverbial rug...and what good is it for you to maintain a style of relationship you don't much care for?

Still, at the end of the day, it's your call to make--but I think you should just lay it all out on the table.
 

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INTJ's value honesty--well, I do, anyway. I can't imagine that you'd be doing anything wrong in just coming right out and saying what it is that you want from him. On the other hand, if he doesn't feel quite the same way, there's a small chance that the relationship will be permanently flushed down the toilet if you step up to the plate with some serious proposal.

All told, I think you just have to sit down and evaluate what is most important to you: the relationship continuing at any cost, or the relationship moving in a certain direction even if that means disagreement and breaking it off altogether.

I suppose I'm in support of you taking the leap and telling him what you want. You're going to continue desiring a certain kind of bond, even if you try to shove your feelings under the proverbial rug...and what good is it for you to maintain a style of relationship you don't much care for?

Still, at the end of the day, it's your call to make--but I think you should just lay it all out on the table.
Yes I definitely can't continue pretending there's nothing. I've been doing it for a while because I wasn't sure the feelings were really there but now I am and I don't want to fall into something masochistic. The thing is neither of us are ever going to end up living in the same city again.

So it's more, either I just step out of this one, go quiet again, start the healing process (because he can get pretty cold when I get too close to the truth so it's likely he'll shut off and I'll be left with a tear I'm not really solid enough to mend these days).
Or I take the leap and get a few encounters a year, and I don't even know if we'd work as a real pair. He's got a lot of built up distrust and bitterness towards people that would make it difficult to really get anywhere.

Anyhow, I'm just thinking aloud now. Thanks for the straightforward advice
 

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Yes I definitely can't continue pretending there's nothing. I've been doing it for a while because I wasn't sure the feelings were really there but now I am and I don't want to fall into something masochistic. The thing is neither of us are ever going to end up living in the same city again.

So it's more, either I just step out of this one, go quiet again, start the healing process (because he can get pretty cold when I get too close to the truth so it's likely he'll shut off and I'll be left with a tear I'm not really solid enough to mend these days).
Or I take the leap and get a few encounters a year, and I don't even know if we'd work as a real pair. He's got a lot of built up distrust and bitterness towards people that would make it difficult to really get anywhere.

Anyhow, I'm just thinking aloud now. Thanks for the straightforward advice
Well, to give you a little more insight into me, my best friend in the whole world--by my lights, my only friend--is an INFP. Granted, we're the same gender and neither one of us is gay, so it's not a love affair...but, in a fashion, we are in love. Based on what I've experienced with this fine creature, we're like two misshapen peas in a pod and will remain that way for the rest of our days.

However (there's always a "...however..." isn't there?) we can get into some serious fights. They don't become physical, but when it's time to hate on one another, the verbal s*** that flies between us is vicious and--at times--hard to fix. Paring down a lot of blather, what these fights are fundamentally rooted in is mere miscommunication. My INFP can mistake my terseness for a lack of feeling or sympathy...and I can mistake my INFP's need for buttering-up and long-winded soliloquies for a waste of time and effort on my part.

If you pursue a serious affair with this man, make sure that he understands your need for gentle and affectionate expression--and do what you can to not mistake his dryness for a lack of feeling. The two of you, if you can manage that, will be inseparable.

As for a long-distance relationship...just keep writing and talking and be the wonderful, sensitive, Epicurean you are...any INTJ worth their salt wouldn't kick that outta bed for anything in this world (forgive the terseness...LOL).
 

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Well, to give you a little more insight into me, my best friend in the whole world--by my lights, my only friend--is an INFP. Granted, we're the same gender and neither one of us is gay, so it's not a love affair...but, in a fashion, we are in love. Based on what I've experienced with this fine creature, we're like two misshapen peas in a pod and will remain that way for the rest of our days.

However (there's always a "...however..." isn't there?) we can get into some serious fights. They don't become physical, but when it's time to hate on one another, the verbal s*** that flies between us is vicious and--at times--hard to fix. Paring down a lot of blather, what these fights are fundamentally rooted in is mere miscommunication. My INFP can mistake my terseness for a lack of feeling or sympathy...and I can mistake my INFP's need for buttering-up and long-winded soliloquies for a waste of time and effort on my part.

If you pursue a serious affair with this man, make sure that he understands your need for gentle and affectionate expression--and do what you can to not mistake his dryness for a lack of feeling. The two of you, if you can manage that, will be inseparable.

As for a long-distance relationship...just keep writing and talking and be the wonderful, sensitive, Epicurean you are...any INTJ worth their salt wouldn't kick that outta bed for anything in this world (forgive the terseness...LOL).
Well I will definitely consider this, it would make for an interesting dynamic. Thanks a lot.
 

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Rejection sucks, but rejection is better then being stuck in a limbo for several more years and not moving on with your lives.

So, if I were you, I would most definitely take the plunge. You can tell him he doesn't need to answer straight away, that he can have time to think about it. He might need some time to process everything after you open up to him.
 

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Just be honest. I don't know him, but if I were him I'd like to be told what you were thinking. Like @Dewymorning said, it's better to know than to just wait in limbo for a long time.
 

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Just be honest. I don't know him, but if I were him I'd like to be told what you were thinking. Like @Dewymorning said, it's better to know than to just wait in limbo for a long time.
Well I definitely wouldn't wait in limbo, that would indeed not be fair to myself. Like I said in my reply to Not Sure's post I'd either leave him or tell him. I have more signs to indicate he'd just close down than I do telling me he'd be open to it, and I'm just not sure I'm in a good enough place to take that blow at the moment. At least leaving wouldn't shred the few feelings of pride I have left...
 

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I'm in a weird relationship with an INTJ

Kind of like those ones you could make a cheap New Age movie about

He's a sharply intellectual guy who's into theoretical math
I'm a messy hippie who's into anthropology

Okay I'm romanticizing but blah

We've been hanging out/sleeping together for 2 years and it's a bit of a childish relationship, as in, it's all banter. Really intuitive, complex, full of implicit, "invisible chess" banter, but still just banter. We never had a serious talk about anything real. Sometimes we'd see each other every week for ages followed by unannounced periods of not speaking at all and then we'd randomly reappear at each other's doorsteps at 2 am a month later and it'd start again. All communication in this relationship has always been done subliminally through implicits, that's where all the fun and sexual tension came from. I know that's not very healthy but neither of us wanted anything serious.

A few months ago we moved to different cities, but we visit each other occasionally and talk a lot, though still nothing explicitly serious, we just Skype some evenings, tell each other about our day and end up falling asleep next to our computer screens.

I've come to really appreciate everything that he is and decided I don't wish to continue unless we break the wall down. I want to call him and ask him if we can stop and just make explicit all the implicits, say what we honestly think. I wouldn't pressure him to do it immediately but ask him to think about it. I don't really know why I thought it would be a good idea to ask strangers on the internet, it's not like my decision should depend on it but I'd like to hear some thoughts:

I always misevaluate how important a relationship is to the other person. Does anyone think it sounds like there's a chance he'll accept? Or he'll just shut down because it crossed over from silly and easy distance to way too fucking serious?
Hahahaha, do it, I love the part of turning "implicit" into "explicit" but be advised, you might get the "Well, the obvious is there's nothing serious going on between us. What do you want?" :kitteh:
 
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