[Enneagram Type 3] Afraid of the way 3s "fall in love"

Afraid of the way 3s "fall in love"

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  • 1 Post By Amyra
  • 1 Post By banane_wane

This is a discussion on Afraid of the way 3s "fall in love" within the Type 3 Forum - The Achiever forums, part of the Heart Triad - Types 2,3,4 category; Hi everyone! I am writing here because I have a few questions about 3's and the way they fall in ...

  1. #1

    Afraid of the way 3s "fall in love"

    Hi everyone!

    I am writing here because I have a few questions about 3's and the way they fall in love.
    Here's the story.

    I've been in a relationship for 4 months with a guy who is almost probably a 3.
    The first three weeks were great and very special. I had not felt this since a very long time and he was feeling the same. It was not just about how we felt, our personality also completely matched, we were all super ambitious and curious people, both passionate about self-improvement and learning new things, both independent, that really was a good match.

    Anyway, things changed pretty quickly. He left his job a year ago to be an entrepreneur which stresses him out a lot and he started being obsessed by work (to the point he told me during our first holidays together that he was looking forward to go home and work because he was stressed about his carreer...).
    He just became all practical and all logical and lost all spontaneity (work first).
    When we were chatting about relationships he also told me things about his exes being insecure, about how showing too much weakness can kill a relationship, and about the fact he’s always been less in love with his girlfriends than they were.
    All that completely put me off.
    He just gave me the image of a guy with no emotions, who was staying 3 or 4 years in relationships without enough love, the image of someone who is incapable of having deep feelings for someone and treats the relationship as an important task more than anything else.


    I talked to him about it a few times but he's just saying he is completely obsessed by his career right now. He’s made loads of efforts to prove me he really cares: I know his friends, we have a work project together, he's with me super often and calls me when he is away, etc. I see all of that.
    But he is just not showing any emotions at all and because of this the whole thing seems "fake" to me even though he is an honest guy.

    Honestly, maybe it's me overthinking or trying to find a reason to stay alone forever, but I just feel like a "convenient" thing he can imagine his future with, that he likes the image he has of me more than me.

    The worst part here is that I am a 5, I am NOT the kind of people who shows emotions easily, I am detached of everyone in my life and I don't want things to go too fast. But I'm expecting something different in my intimate relationships…
    If I have to let one person in, I just need to feel some emotional connexion after a few months, or at least to feel he is capable of it.
    I want to see he cares in his heart, not just in his head.
    I tend to isolate and shut my feelings and that doesn't help at all.


    Anyway, I just wanted to hear about some 3’s experiences. 

    Do you give your gf/bf the impression your here for her/him but they feel you're "away" at the same time...?

    How do you show affection and that you care? Does it always have to be so practical? Do you tend to get stuck in a relationship that’s not for you just because you don't want to give up or like the idea of being with someone?
    Do you always have the feeling your partner is more in love than you?
    Last edited by laurapixit45; 09-03-2018 at 03:41 PM.



  2. #2
    Type 8w9

    as i understand 3, he uses his heart to make decisions and act based on how he feels.

    his integration point is the head, so i'd imagine thats where love is for them when operating in healthy modes?

  3. #3

    <Do you give your gf/bf the impression your here for her/him but they feel you're "away" at the same time...?>

    None of my partners have ever told me that they feel I'm "away." But I am female and so was socialized differently when it comes to supportive behaviors, so that might be it.

    <How do you show affection and that you care? Does it always have to be so practical? >

    This changes. What I usually do is see how my partner shows love and affection, and then I give that back to them. So, if my partner is very physically affectionate, then I would be more cuddly/huggy with him. If my partner bought me gifts to show that he cared, then I would buy him gifts. I also pay a lot of attention to what he wants. If he said he missed me, I would text him more. If he liked a particular style of dress, I would wear that around him. Small things like that.

    <Do you tend to get stuck in a relationship that’s not for you just because you don't want to give up or like the idea of being with someone?>

    I definitely feel like I've stayed in relationships past their expiration date, but I always got there eventually (so I wouldn't say I was "stuck" necessarily... I wasn't in a dead relationship for years). I do hate to give up on things and that is part of it. It's also like... I put so much energy into being vulnerable with this person and now I gotta start over with someone else? Meh, not worth it. God, that sounds awful...

    <Do you always have the feeling your partner is more in love than you?>

    Not always, but I'm definitely more comfortable when this occurs and more drawn to it. It feels safe.


    I think it's a good sign that your bf is putting effort into showing you he cares. A 3 wouldn't put that much energy into someone that they didn't care about because our time/energy is valuable to us. Vulnerability and intimacy and showing emotion... these things are hard for 3s. You've only been together for 4 months. It might be true that he is incapable of deep emotions, but it's too soon to say for sure.

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  5. #4

    3s watch and observe others and copy their behaviour. They mime what they see and can be many different people depending on who they’re around. They will give what that person is giving. Act how that person is acting. They can have many different identities. Depending whom theyre with. Though healthier 3s can be more together with their own identity. Good luck personally I tend to stay clear of them in relationships.

  6. #5
    Type 3w4

    Quote Originally Posted by Surreal Snake View Post
    3s watch and observe others and copy their behaviour. They mime what they see and can be many different people depending on who they’re around. They will give what that person is giving. Act how that person is acting. They can have many different identities. Depending whom theyre with.
    Exactly!
    Surreal Snake thanked this post.

  7. #6
    Type 4w3


    I'm a 4w3 and... well, even if I don't completely 'get' the 3w4s, I feel I can relate in one thing. It's this obsession with performance that completely intrudes and breaks up the tender feelings. So much, that now as reaching thirty this year, I can say that I've never been in love, never even had a girlfriend. I thought it had to do with the anxiety of my 6, you know, shy introvert, late bloomer, yady yada. But only lately have I started considering that I don't really feel my feelings towards women. I'm never myself when I'm with them, emotionally.

    But my case can be explained away more easily than his: I've always had problems maintaining friendships, never really had a group to hang out with, to be my "wingmen." Love can only develop in security, and I, with my self-pres wing 3 and So blind 6, I really feel groundless when trying to hit on women alone. I did it during my uni years more as a task, than sthing I actually wanted - fear was driving me, fear of missing out, I guess, that in a work place I'll have less options to choose from.

    I guess it at boils down to being a romantic. Thinking that one is solely responsible in providing for the woman. Instead of maintaining communitarian bonds and not holding onto the woman so hard, we feel that that love is so sacred that it can't be decentralized. But if we allowed the former, we woudn't feel the need to perform, and by achieving, we won't have to change ourselves, be different, be better, be someone else with entirely new set of abilities. That's what I feel when I approach a woman: if I'm supposed to take responsibility, I can't be my true self anymore: instead, I'll have to turn into the ability chameleon that tries to do himself and only himself the best out of everything without sharing the responsibility.

    Like, really, who doesn't feel this awkwardness with the other sex, to start with? We, men, kinda instinctively feel that the male-female relationship is extremely fragile and we're supposed to uphold it, proactively, we're supposed to accommodate the woman. And this feeling that it's up to us, the initiation, the following through, this immediately, inexorably triggers our 3. Because someone else can take our place, someone can get there quicker, someone stronger, better, more handsome, smarter, more charismatic. Isn't this a competition, a show of power, after all? Can true love be conditional to my achievement/performance?

    We're caught up in this self-consciousness, more precisely, about how others perceive us, self-conscious of our image of competence, good-enough-ness. But if we really stopped it, it would also mean "showing too much weakness [that] can kill a relationship." And when you're showing weakness, vulnerability, then you actually have your guard down, you're limp, not in "battle-" or "achievement mode." What we're afraid of, I think both 4w3 and 3w4 is that if we really show who we are, emotionally, then we won't be able to consistently be that and be an achiever. Because my truth is: I've never wanted to achieve. I'd rather if love worked out by itself and I wouldn't lift a finger... like when I was a baby, when I was loved for who I truly was. Too much weakness = honesty can kill a relationship.
    Last edited by Neokortex; 01-29-2019 at 04:11 PM.

  8. #7

    Watch the anime "Bloom into You"

    Touko is a beautiful example of a 3
    Scoobyscoob thanked this post.

  9. #8
    Type 4w3


    Quote Originally Posted by laurapixit45 View Post
    Hi everyone!

    I am writing here because I have a few questions about 3's and the way they fall in love.
    *wouldn't have lifted a finger... love is a performance and if we are honest we would cease performing/achieving, we would stop working on it. From a male perspective, of course. So if I am not a 'man' anymore, if I don't achieve in "manning up;" then, the relationship would break up. So men have to swallow their feelings and hide their vulnerability... but with 4w3 at least, and possibly 3w4, we can't just let a bit vulnerability show and then be a man again. It's more like we're either completely vulnerable and stop this whole achievement mania, and by that stop being a man for the relationship, or we are completely in this achievement mode pretend endlessly that we are men, able to provide protection and a shoulder for the woman to lean on.

    (I quoted you so you could see your thread had inputs.)

  10. #9
    Type 6w5

    I'm a 6w5 in a relationship (long distance) with a 3w4 (396) sx/sp for almost 9 months now. I think the 3 man is hard to get to know, I think after 5 months things became more honest regarding his personality but it required I guess a lot of patience (and understanding). To say it bluntly, I think they have no idea how to handle people. I think they are very good at learning what is expected of them, and how to be a strong capable man to the point of denying their feelings ... but real-time interaction with people is difficult to do. And they are very much afraid of losing the people they care about from saying something wrong (they mostly mean by wrong, self-revealing).

    I am very sure they fear that by being themselves they lose the person they love because they know they are not as good as they appeared to be in the first stage of the relationship and they got the other person all excited about them but they can't keep it up because it can be draining and I guess sometimes they just want to lay in bed with their favorite pajama and watch anime but as long as they are aware of the other person and what is expected of them that is not much possible. He is very honest though about the things he is not, but gives the impression to be those things and he can't help it. I think a 3 would push people away more because they don't have the energy to be what they want them to be, than genuinely wanting to be alone.

    Me and my bf worked for a while on this until he understood he doesn't need to be in the best mood or best self all the time, that it was ok to complain or admit real feelings and how they constantly feel not good enough all the time (but won't admit it until they think it's safe enough to do so). I chose to see everyone with compassion and understand the way they act is to protect themselves not meant to hurt me. The thing with men [and 3s especially] is to not force it, if it is to be will be. If they love you or care about you they will be there. Men tend to get distant when they have work problems and they want to come back when they are ready. [Women]: Be patient, be brave, be confident!


     

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