[Enneagram Type 3] 3's and Family / Relationships

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This is a discussion on 3's and Family / Relationships within the Type 3 Forum - The Achiever forums, part of the Heart Triad - Types 2,3,4 category; What are your family's types [MBTI and Enneagram]? Do you think that played a part in how you got along ...

  1. #1
    Type 1w2


    3's and Family / Relationships

    What are your family's types [MBTI and Enneagram]? Do you think that played a part in how you got along with each other?

    Were you competitive with your own siblings?

    Were your siblings envious of you ?

    What was your relationship with your mother? Your father?

    ----

    I had a very amazing relationship with my mother [INFJ 3w4] and father [ESTJ 3w2] - and a very rocky one with my brother [INTJ Type 8] and sister [Unconfirmed]. All 3 of us were high-achievers .. except my sister, both my elder brother and myself suffered massive failures in our life [brother's came at an earlier age, so he overcame it] --- Mine came much later in life and since then, I've noticed things like my siblings envy of me come out. I hate to sound arrogant, but my sister admitted to it recently and I was taken aback. My reaction was "Have you even seen how fucked up my life is .. why would you be envious?" Apparently, my relationship with my mother was a huge cause of envy for my elder siblings. And it still is.

    There are other things as well .. there was competition b/w the 3 of us in terms of grades, degrees .. I was the first to a Master's degree. My sister's the only one with a PhD. My brother didn't even need a degree to be the most successful of the 3 of us [go figure -- he's a Type 8]. Sometimes I think I'm more worried about competition than they are -- which I suppose means that I'm an unhealthy/average 3 at best and have only been healthy for a short period of my life when I was getting my MBA and on top of the world.

    Would appreciate if you shared your stories :)

    ---
    mpobrien, Stable Genius, Tyche and 1 others thanked this post.



  2. #2
    Type 3w4

    Quote Originally Posted by Jawz View Post
    What are your family's types [MBTI and Enneagram]? Do you think that played a part in how you got along with each other?

    Were you competitive with your own siblings?

    Were your siblings envious of you ?

    What was your relationship with your mother? Your father?

    ---
    I really love this topic!

    1. My Mom is a 9w8, my Dad is a 1w2 and my younger sister is a 2w3. Don't know any MBTI types..I don't even know mine. My family and I...don't get along at all. I think my personality conflict with all of theirs drastically, even my sister whose type is so close to mine. I'm competitive, over-achieving, and my mom and sister are both much more laid back. My mom isn't one for being prompt either, which kills me because I am. My dad shares my zeal for perfection, but he lets his emotions get to him which irks me.

    2. YES. My sister and I both started performing at a very young age; she dances and I sing/act. My sister is an amazing, amazing dancer and she got most of the attention growing up. So I added sports to my list of things to start gaining attention. Then I worked harder in school, and as we got older my talents for doing so many things outshone her dance ability, which is really all she had.

    3. I don't really think so. Where I excel in activities and other things, she excels at socialization. She's the loud extrovert compared to my introversion, and she makes friends really easily, whereas people tend to like me but I have a hard time making actual connections to people. I think that we're pretty evenly matched. Some days I envy her social skills, some days she envies my abilities.

    4. a) My mother...what a woman. She's probably my total opposite: a coach potato, relaxed, late-for-everything. I plan my days by the minute, and I often have to tell her to be somewhere half an hour early if I hope to leave on time to get to my next event, or for her to be on time for one of my performances. She also played a very...well she didn't play much of a role in my development growing up, in my opinion, because she never intervened into my relationship with my dad, and kind of took a back seat in my life, rather than involving herself.
    b) My dad...the perfectionist. My dad and I had an awful relationship, and still do. He's a very angry person, and if things are perfect he'll make it perfect, and then let you know that you're not perfect. He was emotionally and physically abuse towards me, and my sister occasionally. He always told me that if I was going to do so many things I had better do them perfectly, or he wouldn't waste his time with me. And of course quitting was no option. In a word, it was rough, and still as. Thank god for college this fall!

  3. #3

    Nice topic! +3 points. ;)

    What are your family's types [MBTI and Enneagram]? Do you think that played a part in how you got along with each other?
    Hmmm, I think my mom is probably an INFJ. Not sure of her type. maybe type 4. My dad is an ESFJ, probably a type 2 or 3. My sister is an ESTJ type 8 or 3. Growing up, I was alwlays closer with my mother. I was close with my Father, but not like with my mother. I felt like she understood me better being an introvert and all. I was alwlays distant with my sister.

    Were you competitive with your own siblings?

    No, I was the first born so I was allways really competitive with myself. Both me and my sister are really driven, btu in different ways. She excelled at scool, got 4.0s and got scholarships for college. She's super smart. I was allways more about the arts, and I excelled at music and writing.

    Were your siblings envious of you ?
    I don't think so. I mean, my sister looked up to me, at least for a little while. She probably dosen't anymore, because I've been the black sheep of my family. But I'm not really sure. Like I said, we're distant so I guess I don't really know what she thinks of me anymore.

    What was your relationship with your mother? Your father?
    Me and my mother are very close, and she allways tells me that I remind her of herself when she was younger. We share a lot of the same interests like reading and watchign movies. I feel like she udnerstands me the best out of anyone in my family. With my Father, I feel like he loves me and tries to support me but he is pretty clueless about how I think and what makes me tick. He's extroverted and noty very deep or knowledeable about things. He's a simple man, and was alwlays very meek and passive. this probably helped to fuel my ambition -the sense of not wanting to be like him. I think it made me tougher, more agressive and such.
    Tyche, Jawz, mpobrien and 1 others thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    Type 3

    I'm not a 3, but I think the thread is interesting enough to warrant a response :)




    What are your family's types [MBTI and Enneagram]? Do you think that played a part in how you got along with each other?

    My mom is an ESFP 7w6 and my brother is a (tentative typing) ESTP and I suspect he may be a 3, but I'm not sure on that. My brother and I were very close, as latchkey kids probably tend to be. I was the protective older sibling and he was the younger sibling who benefited from what my mom had learnt from raising me. My brother and my mom were very close, but I never had nearly the same bond with her.




    Were you competitive with your own siblings?

    To an extent, yes. Growing up my mom praised me for getting good grades and for being an excellent reader. At an early age, it seemed like I was the more intelligent one. My brother was hyperactive, all over the place and very much a mama's boy.


    My grades, however, we're greatly affected by my emotions. There was a lot of drama and instability in my home life, as well as my mom forcing me to be perfect. From a young age, she pushed me to go to college and told me I would have to work hard to earn a scholarship because she couldn't afford to pay for it. I did everything I could to make my mom happy, but it never seemed like enough.


    The worse things got, the more time I spent in my head, creating fantasies of alternate lives where everything was perfect. My brother and I were very close, but we fought like cats and dogs. We would often scream at each other that we hated the other and that we wished the other had never been born.


    My anger was out of control at times and after fights I would wish for my death. Out of anger and frustration, I would choke myself and wish I had the guts or the imagination to do more. My brother witnessed this at times and pretty much told me he didn't care if I did manage to kill myself.


    As my brother got older, it became more and more apparent that he sought approval from my mom. He also showed a lot of potential and good grades came easier to him than they did to me. He quickly replaced me as the "intelligent one" and I eventually was referred to as the pretty one by my mom.


    I had a hard time finding anything I was truly good at, and my brother was better at everything. School, friends, sports and pleasing my mom. I focused instead on being the easy, perfect child and retreated into the worlds in my books. I had no friends and couldn't deal with my misery of being overshadowed by my younger brother (in addition to my abusive home life).


    I remember wanting a better life for myself, one where I would be comfortable financially and emotional. I wasn't particularly ambitious, but I wanted deeply to have a stable life. I wanted to rise from the ashes, so to speak. Having no particular aim and no set goals, I was perceived as lazy and unmotivated by my mother. She easily assumed I wanted very little for myself in life and verbally predicted that my brother would be the successful one.


    I decided to focus on my social life rather than my school life, feeling as though there was no use when my brother constantly outshone me. I wanted to find my niche, to stand out in my own way, rather than standing out for being the quiet, more introverted one in my very extroverted family. By the time I discovered that I have a talent for writing, I not longer cared what my mom thought of my skills. I never shared my writing with her, it never occurred to me to.




    Were your siblings envious of you ?


    We were both envious of the other for different reasons. Each of us believed we were treated worse than the other based on our birth order. The bond between my brother and mom was undeniable, but he was jealous of my freedom. I was resentful of the sacrifices I had to make for him (for instance, having to drink caffeine free sodas because he was too hyper to handle it) and I was deeply jealous of how easy it was for him to get the grades and make friends.


    In particular, he was jealous of my relationship with his father. The man had stepped in to help raise me as well and considered me his daughter and we used to be very closely bonded. My brother and his half brother were very jealous of how much their father cared for me, and couldn't understand why I was rejecting his love (long story that bears little relevance).




    What was your relationship with your mother? Your father?


    My mother was a very overbearing woman. She wanted perfect children, and I think she wanted this to compete with her siblings. She felt she had something to prove as she was the youngest of her siblings and all of the others were jealous of her.


    We didn't get along well. I went along to get along, never challenging or questioning her. I always took the path of least resistance. I didn't want to share anything deep or personal with her and wouldn't unless she forced me. I tended to keep to myself and otherwise tried to make myself useful around the house.


    My father was never in my life. He abandoned us before I was born. My mom met my brothers dad and I became quickly attached to him. He was the only father figure I ever had, but was too traumatized by his life to be very present. I suspect he may be a 9w1, but I don't really know him very well.


    When I was 4 years old, he got angry with me for whining or something and beat me. My mom says there were bruises all over my face. She was planning on leaving him, but found out she was pregnant with my brother. He didn't move out until I was 8. I completely blanked the traumatic memory out and idolized the man. I was a complete daddy's girl and spied on my mom for him after she kicked him out. It took me several years to "wake up" to the type of person he was.


    I kicked him out of my life probably because I saw in him the fate that could easily have been mine if I hadn't had these experiences to teach me better. He was checked out, numbing himself on drugs, alcohol and video games. He moved in a woman because she was safe, so he wouldn't have to risk his heart again, but he is to this day still in love with my mom.


    I became disgusted by his lack of involvement in my life and told him I was done. He had allowed my brother and I to be abused by his girlfriend and did nothing to protect us. I felt trapped and I viewed him as a weak, spineless man.


    The weakness I observed in both my parents went a long way in shaping who I am now. I reviled their dependency on loved ones and drugs to get them by, but unfortunately this would never sink in until I experienced it personally. But that is my fault for not learning from their mistakes.
    mpobrien, Jawz and Inky thanked this post.

  6. #5
    Type 3w2

    What are your family's types [MBTI and Enneagram]? Do you think that played a part in how you got along with each other?

    My mum is an IxFJ 2w3, dad is an INTP 9w1. They have a very loving relationship - first loves, dated for 10 years before finally getting married. I'm an ENxP (I'm still trying out the T) 3w2. I get along very well with both my parents' generally nonjudgmental natures. I get along best with my dad because he's very patient and we think very similarly. With my mum on the other hand, it's rather rocky. At times she understands my feelings better than I do and gives really mind-blowing insights, other times she struggles with needing external validation. She also thinks I'm too argumentative... But overall, I get along with both my parents very well. There is a lot of mutual trust between us.

    My younger brother is an ENTJ 4w3. We get along great, and he's one of the few people whose needs I often put ahead of my own. We have very good communication, and he's an exceptionally good brother once he grew out of his destroy-everything-I-touch stage. We've always worked out our own conflicts even as younger children, and have mutual respect for each others' privacy. We also have this funny instinctive understanding of each other's feelings.

    Were you competitive with your own siblings?
    No. I have never felt the need to compete with my brother and have always been proud of his achievements.

    Were your siblings envious of you ?
    When we were young kids, yes, because I was kind of an over-achiever in academics. But we sorted it out as we grew up. And my brother turned out to be a late bloomer after all :)

    What was your relationship with your mother? Your father?
    Overall very good, as answered above.
    Jawz thanked this post.

  7. #6
    Type 1w2


    It seems to be a common theme for 3's to have good relationships with their parents/family members. Probably after the 9. 9's perhaps less so because they might under-achieve / self-efface in order to keep the peace and become subservient - being pulled in whatever directions the parents set out for them, not really realizing their full potential - until and unless they have parents who are totally in-tune with what the 9 wants to do.

    I think a 3's family dynamic being based around success and achievement actually makes them more likely to have better relationships with their parents than other types. Parents typically want their children to succeed, and 3's are motivated by success with feeds their self-worth = A peaceful early childhood ...

    Until and unless the parent is a total and utter piece of shit where that relationship can lead to extreme abuse of a Type 3 who would long / hunger for appreciation from a parent who's incapable of giving it.
    Inky thanked this post.

  8. #7
    Type 3w4

    @Jawz I guess that makes me the odd one out! I disagree though, 3's can have poor relationships with their parents and struggle to gain their attention, which would develop into a fear of worthlessness from their inability to get their parents attention and the need for validation they lacked from their parents growing up. My parents weren't utter shit, but they got pretty close. They just didn't care to give me attention, and fighting for it was my entire life growing up.

    If anything, I think being a 3 can result from an equal amount of good homes, and bad homes. Especially since the competitive nature can lead to disputes between siblings, even child-parent.

    Just my two cents though. I only know 1 confirmed 3 IRL and they come from a similar situation to me.
    Jawz thanked this post.

  9. #8
    Type 1w2


    Quote Originally Posted by mpobrien View Post
    @Jawz I guess that makes me the odd one out! I disagree though, 3's can have poor relationships with their parents and struggle to gain their attention, which would develop into a fear of worthlessness from their inability to get their parents attention and the need for validation they lacked from their parents growing up. My parents weren't utter shit, but they got pretty close. They just didn't care to give me attention, and fighting for it was my entire life growing up.

    If anything, I think being a 3 can result from an equal amount of good homes, and bad homes. Especially since the competitive nature can lead to disputes between siblings, even child-parent.

    Just my two cents though. I only know 1 confirmed 3 IRL and they come from a similar situation to me.
    I'm sorry, I used a very strong word. But that was kind of the point I was alluding to. You did feel the pull to get them to appreciate you and they didn't right. So it doesn't make you the odd one out --- it's just one of the possible circumstances of early childhood development of 3's.

  10. #9
    Type 3w4

    Quote Originally Posted by Jawz View Post
    I'm sorry, I used a very strong word. But that was kind of the point I was alluding to. You did feel the pull to get them to appreciate you and they didn't right. So it doesn't make you the odd one out --- it's just one of the possible circumstances of early childhood development of 3's.

    You don't have to apologize, I was just joking and giving a contrasting opinion. But aren't enneagram numbers inborn? I remember reading that somewhere here. Are you saying that this type of circumstance would result in a 3, or that it's a common situation for a 3? Sorry, I'm just a little confused.


     

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