[Enneagram Type 4] Does anyone else have issues with the 7s need to experience things with a "buddy"?

Does anyone else have issues with the 7s need to experience things with a "buddy"?

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  • 2 Post By myth90
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  • 2 Post By madelein
  • 2 Post By madelein

This is a discussion on Does anyone else have issues with the 7s need to experience things with a "buddy"? within the Type 4 Forum - The Individualist forums, part of the Heart Triad - Types 2,3,4 category; Hey y'all! So I've been talking to this guy who is a Hardcore 7, and he's been fun to talk ...

  1. #1
    Type 4w5

    Does anyone else have issues with the 7s need to experience things with a "buddy"?

    Hey y'all! So I've been talking to this guy who is a Hardcore 7, and he's been fun to talk with and is very nice. But he's very into being super Southern, and I'm from the South but I'm not very country at all. I don't enjoy hunting or four-wheeling or any of that, but he keeps doing this thing of like "if you try it you'll like it" or like "I can't believe you're from the South and haven't xyz", which is SUCH a 7ish thing to do. My dad is an 8w7 and also does this! Even if you make it clear that you don't enjoy a Thing or don't want to experience a Thing, it's almost like 7s will adamantly try to convince you to enjoy something so they can experience the Thing twice: once through their own senses and again through your reaction afterwards.

    And my 4ish independence is becoming annoyed that this dude is seeking to "countrify" me (his actual words) and anxious at the idea of conformity and being "made" to like something or "made" into something I'm authentically not. In my head, I'm wondering why he can't just accept that I'm not as into those things as he is, or why my dad can't let it go if I don't always want to taste the food he's eating.

    Obviously I'm not planning on letting this happen because I legimitately don't think my personality is capable of enjoying things for someone else's sake. I'm way too much of a crusader for that haha. And this is super early in this relationship so I don't feel any remorse for being like HEY LISTEN NO THANKS if it comes to that, but I'd like to try and nip this in the bud before he like develops some wild expectation that I'm gonna change in order to be his "ideal person" and try to continue hanging out with him if possible. Because we do have a lot of other things in common.

    My question/discussion point would be, has anyone else seen or been frustrated by this behavior in 7 relationships/friendships? And if so, how have you dealt with them? This has been a constant frustration for me in 4/7 relationships.

    Discuss! :)
    Last edited by myth90; 07-01-2018 at 11:41 PM.
    TheDarknessInTheSnow and Strelok thanked this post.



  2. #2
    Type 4

    4s are very much in touch with all of their emotions, while 7s suppress all the "negative" ones, which might lead to the 7 breaking up with the 4 because they didn't have the same mindset as them or were not able to endure hardships

  3. #3

    As a 4, yes that type of behavior would bother me. Now being from Texas, what he’s trying to force on you wouldn’t bother me at all. Maybe find a 7 you have more in common with??

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  5. #4
    Type 4w5

    I've definitely had problems with people trying to make me conform (mostly sixes), but it seems like this person just wants to give you an experience. They want to share their culture with you, that's not a bad thing. I think it's important to let them know that you really don't want to be a country person, that it doesn't appeal to you, and no offense to either of them. If you don't establish that you know who you are already, they'll keep on trying to mould you into what they think you should be. But you should also keep in mind that you don't know everything- who knows, maybe if you try hunting you might actually like it! Trust your intuition, but try not to be too caught up in the trying to be unique of it all because it might make you miss out on some experiences.
    Voyageur and suremarc thanked this post.

  6. #5
    Type 4w5

    This reminds me of myself actually. I'm korean, and my sister and the people around me have been trying to get me into korean dramas and kpop for a long time but it's just not the kind of thing I am interested in. I listen to music with deep lyrics that I can profoundly connect to and same with shows (that sounds so pretentious but i am a four). I watch the kpop music videos my sister shows me and they're so corporate and just remind me of why I dislike them the first place. But at least I tried! lol. Although I have recently found a few korean artists I actually like though, and it's nice now that I have something to connect me with my Koreanness and also to my fellow koreans I meet.
    Jawz and Voyageur thanked this post.

  7. #6

    Yeah I do this too. It's hard to stop.

    Don't understand this and try to set boundaries in a positive way like "he remember the last time you made me try something and I didn't like it" or "I've tried this multiple times and I don't want to".

    When it comes to an experience other than food though, it's actually easier to make a 7 understand. Convey to us in a practical way why a certain experience may not be a good one and offer alternatives. If you shut something down and also don't come up with an alternative then it reads like you just don't want to do anything at all.

    The other thing is that it's never personal either. My wife has issues with me pushing experiences on her but she deals with it rationally. Sometimes she humors me but when I see she's really not enjoying something, I stop being pushy. However, surety only comes after the trial not before it so it's always going to be a problem. You can't predict what someone might like or dislike without having something to verify it.

  8. #7
    Type 6w7

    Lol, not an e4, but can't help chiming in because I live in the South but have Northern-transplant parents and I have gotten the "I can't believe you're from the South and haven't xyz" line all my life! In addition to being totally e7 to want to share everything, I think it's a Southern culture to do that, too - to be very proud and a bit protective of Southern things. It strikes me as irritating and charming by turns, depending on the person, the level of insistence, and the Southern thing in question.

    Quote Originally Posted by myth90
    I'd like to try and nip this in the bud before he like develops some wild expectation that I'm gonna change in order to be his "ideal person" and try to continue hanging out with him if possible. Because we do have a lot of other things in common.
    At least to the best of my understanding and my own 7 wing, 7 is all about opportunity, abundance, future, novelty and open-endedness. It's not exactly change the 7 impulse is after, but about keeping options open and the potential for newness flowing in. As long as not wanting to try everything doesn't mean you won't try anything, a 7 should be fine. I think it'd help ease the blow a lot if you offered an alternative option you'd be interested in when turning down something you're not.

    Quote Originally Posted by madelein View Post
    I've definitely had problems with people trying to make me conform (mostly sixes), but it seems like this person just wants to give you an experience.
    As an aside, with 6... it's not that we want you, as a person, to be the same as anyone else, but we may push you to behave more similarly to others for periods of time until a particular concern has passed.

  9. #8
    Type 7w8

    On behalf of all the type 7s: We're not sorry (initially), we're afraid you're missing out on 'experiences'. We become sad if you join knowing you will dislike it and doesn't tell us beforehand, then we're very sorry and we feel a bit down for pushing it.
    Last edited by pwowq; 01-08-2019 at 01:57 AM.

  10. #9

    As an 8w7, I get this. I do this all the time. I think the misunderstanding here is not necessarily that it’s a desire to force you to “conform,” just a desire to be the one to give you a new experience, and to experience it with you. Trying something doesnt default you to like it or even pretend to like it. 7/8 zone can be the try-anything-once, twice-just-to-be-sure, three-times-if-I’m-bored-and-have-nothing-better-to-do space, so it can be difficult to understand that someone would decide not to like something before even trying it. If you have, and know you dont, just say so. I know for me, I find it very, stimulating, to be the one to give someone a new experience. To see their expression full of anxiety, surprise, fear, enjoyment, depending on the experience of course. I like making people a little uncomfortable because then they rely harder on my solidity in that moment and I can be the rock. But it’s special and intimate in a different kind of way, and maybe that’s why they want to share it with you. My brother is a 7, and I see this behavior in him too. Not in the same way, but for the same basic reason; shared experience is connection, and a first-time shared experience is just that much /more/. Definately not because of a desire to force some kind of conformity.

  11. #10

    now I'm wondering if my dad has some 7 in him, he can't accept anything, it must be proven to him

    I don't have any advice, sorry :/

    when I saw the title I thought "well I want friends and I'm alone for too long, people reject and hate me"

    I've met 7s that were fun initially but when I wanted to do stuff with them, I told them, and they did it with somebody else. That really hurt. I was just like "What?! But I've been asking you" and they just say, "oh I forgot, it was more convenient, I promised them" so 7s are too flighty for me, never there when I need them, but then again that's everybody. I'm probably not saying anything useful. Just spilling my little story. Maybe it can give you an idea.


     

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