[Enneagram Type 4] Type 4's and Bad Relationships/Being Sucky at Relationships

Type 4's and Bad Relationships/Being Sucky at Relationships

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  • 6 Post By mallenq
  • 3 Post By L P
  • 2 Post By JVal
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This is a discussion on Type 4's and Bad Relationships/Being Sucky at Relationships within the Type 4 Forum - The Individualist forums, part of the Heart Triad - Types 2,3,4 category; Type 4's are really, really interesting when it comes to relationships. Personally, I've found that fours have the potential to ...

  1. #1
    Type 4w3

    Type 4's and Bad Relationships/Being Sucky at Relationships

    Type 4's are really, really interesting when it comes to relationships. Personally, I've found that fours have the potential to be exceptional therapists from their ability to dive deep into both their own and others' emotions. They also tend to love quite passionately and value sentimental moments and memories more than other types.

    Often 4's will talk about how others hurt or reject them, and how they were a part of toxic relationships. As a 4, I have definitely been exposed to many unsavory peoples in my life (although that really isn't because of my type, it's just life) and have been a part of relationships that were ruined by misguided and disturbed people. But, as much as I hate to admit it, I have also been the toxic person in a relationship. I have ruined perfectly good relationships with my own violation and it's difficult for me to understand what I did wrong and why I did it. Part of the reason I think I ruined some of my relationships is that I wasn't satisfied or felt like they didn't fit my very specific needs at the time. I tend to push those people away, even though they may be perfectly good people, and that ruins a perfectly good relationship. Along with my 3 wing, I have found that sometimes I find myself avoiding relationships with people that might make my image look bad, for example, not hanging out with unpopular people. I've also lost friends to envy and jealousy, wishing that I had things that they had and convincing myself that they were unfair in not sharing it with me.

    Are there any type 4's out there that want to talk about how they ruined a relationship or how they can sometimes make a relationship a little more difficult for the other person?
    L P, Sengai, The Edwardian Spirit and 3 others thanked this post.

  2. #2
    Type 4w5

    I relate to the pushing away of perfectly good people. When I am not happy with my life I push away people who are just being nice. Idk why, it's like I'm seeking some kinda of significance or something. Like I'm some stumbling block that they tripped over and ruined their day. Like I'm seeking to stand out even if it's in a negative way, just searching for that special affect to have. Sometimes if I am hurt I just want people who interact with me to feel hurt, because.....idk, I want them to feel what I feel I guess, feel that someone shouldn't feel like this, to feel like life sucks for some people. Some guy came up to me today while I was at a food joint, he saw me sketching and mentioned he was an artist 2 and asked to look at my stuff. I imagine he expected me to be very happy and appreciate that he took the time to look at my stuff, but I responded very deadpan and unengaged, because I didn't want this guy to have a happy experience with me, I wanted him to taste a little of the sad, and realize this person he is talking to is not going to be subject to his happy vibes but that this person he is talking to is going through something, something more "significant" then his happiness. He realized I wasn't very talkative and politely left and all I could feel is how much I destroyed the vibe and was trying to get some significance out of that. So yea, toxic.
    Last edited by L P; 04-25-2019 at 05:34 PM.

  3. #3

    Relationships tend to just suck one way or the other with few exceptions and it is the human condition that sucks the most. I am doubtful that it will be getting any better for people any time soon sadly as most people won't do the inner work that is needed to deal with themselves much less anyone else. I've given up on other people and just dealing with my own mess rather than other peoples problems. I could do relationships but people these days are hopeless and don't want to get ship wrecked should they sour.

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  5. #4
    Type 4w3

    I've just never been in a romantic relationship.

    Therefore, I haven't been able to ruin any. However, I many times have prevented potentially positive relationships from being able to occur.

    I used to blame my romantic problems on others. As far as I was concerned, nobody understood me because none of them were deep enough to "get" me. But I eventually did realize that I am the one at blame, although this also turned into constant negative dialogue.

    I am aware that I would be very toxic if I were ever to get into a relationship, with the constant negativity and self-deprecation that would be frustrating for the other person. Which is part of the reason why I don't bother trying to find a significant other. The rest of the time, I just feel too incompetent and defective to ever be allowed to fall in love.

    Also, I seem to be incapable of telling when others are flirting or otherwise interested in me. I've convinced myself that I'm just too repulsive and disgusting for that.

    Even making friends is the same sort of deal for me. When given the opportunity to get to know others, I push them away because I lack self-confidence and don't think I'm worth talking to.

    The weird thing is, when I am not avoidant, I can be the exact opposite: annoyingly clingy. I become attached easily to people who are somehow nice to me even though I don't deserve it, even though I haven't exactly reciprocated their interest in talking to me. If someone is interesting, and still nice to me throughout all my toxicity, then I latch on to them, as much as I hate admitting it. I start following them, wanting to hang out with them as much as I can and getting to know as much as I can about them. And obviously, this sort of behavior can put people off.
    L P and moonmilk thanked this post.

  6. #5
    Type 4w5

    I've also never been in a romantic relationship, like the user above me

    When someone is interested in me, I don't think that it will last. At least, that their interest in me won't because I feel too messed up and broken. It's like my own mind is more toxic than any relationship could be, as I'm so picky when forming relationships with others to begin with

    Some people describe themselves as being in a protective shell but I feel like I'm somewhere else, always creating fantasies

  7. #6
    Type 4w3

    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Pixel View Post
    Sometimes if I am hurt I just want people who interact with me to feel hurt, because.....idk, I want them to feel what I feel I guess, feel that someone shouldn't feel like this, to feel like life sucks for some people.
    I resonate strongly with this. In all my relationships, I've struggled with the urge to lash out when I'm not personally well. This includes not replying to text messages and getting satisfaction when they apologize. It includes telling people they've hurt me when they haven't really, but I know I'll get a good reaction from them. It has even included me getting out of bed in the middle of the night and going to the bathroom and crying - making just enough noise to make sure they hear, but not enough to make it obvious, because I want them to THINK that I was secretly trying to cry alone. Talk about toxic.

    I think these all stem from what Lord Pixel said above. I have strong feelings and I just want someone to also feel these feelings. I want them to know that I hurt so bad, I have to go cry by myself in the middle of the night (even though all I wanted was for my partner to come and coax me back to bed). I think that episode in particular also stems from the typical 4's affinity for drama. Part of me was trying to make a movie scene.

    I am currently dating someone (a 9w1) who is pure, gentle, and who would never ever do anything to hurt me. He is cool as a cucumber. And sometimes, this really bothers me. If I were to break up with him tomorrow, I'm sure he'd be hurt, but he would let me go if he knew I thought it was for the best. And that drives me crazy. I want someone to run into the street after me, hop on a plane to chase me down - you know, something DRAMATIC. I want him to FEEL so deeply that he'd do irrational things, like I do.

    I fear sometimes that I'll ruin this relationship with my own ego and insatiable desire for attention. I was good at keeping an eye on my tendencies at first, but I've been catching myself becoming manipulative more and more as time goes on. What has helped me thus far is questioning my motives, focusing on positive 1-traits like objectivity and high moral principles.

    However, what has helped me most though is my current partner's patience and inescapable goodness. By emulating him, I've become a better partner. He's able to see the pits I make up, and rather than telling me to knock it off, he helps me out by allowing me to deconstruct them myself. I think having a patient partner is very important.
    L P thanked this post.

  8. #7
    Type 8w9

    Quote Originally Posted by mallenq View Post
    Often 4's will talk about how others hurt or reject them, and how they were a part of toxic relationships.
    in my experience, 4's are the toxic component of toxic relationships. its for this reason, i wouldn't begin a romantic relationship with a 4. couple passionate romps? fuck yeah. long term... nah... too much emotional turbulence for my tastes.

    not all is lost , though. the 4-6 dynamic works well. go find you one.


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