[Enneagram Type 4] Help! Navigating marriage between a 4 and a 3

Help! Navigating marriage between a 4 and a 3

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This is a discussion on Help! Navigating marriage between a 4 and a 3 within the Type 4 Forum - The Individualist forums, part of the Heart Triad - Types 2,3,4 category; My husband and I have been married 15 years. He is a 4 and I am a 3 (we just ...

  1. #1

    Help! Navigating marriage between a 4 and a 3

    My husband and I have been married 15 years. He is a 4 and I am a 3 (we just recently discovered enneagram). I have read that 3's tend to be more self-aware, and I was-- when I read my description I thought, "Oh, that explains a lot." My husband was less so, and seems to have fallen into a deep dark hole since discovering more about himself. He has gone into that stress 2 direction where he needs me emotionally engaged all the time, and I am exhausted. I think my wing is a 2, so I am trying to "succeed in helping him feel better" and move through this, it's pretty task-focused. He wants to sit in these feelings and wants me there too. I do want him to be himself and not to feel stifled, but I also want to be free to be myself and not be tied to him all the time. Of course as a 3 I'm looking for practical, executable strategies! Haha :) But I'm also wondering... is this a phase for him? He's never been like this before. Could he be depressed, or having a mid-life crisis, or is this just my new normal?



  2. #2
    Type 4w5

    @mountainrunner This doesn't sound like your new normal, but it's never simply a phase! Depression is a very common 'illness' among fours and it requires hard work to get out of it. After 13 years of struggling with it myself, I now know for me I simply had to choose. I stood on the bridge between life and death and had to choose between either one of them. Only after I chose life, I started to focus on the more beautiful things in life. They are very small and almost seamingly insignificant things like flowers in the grass, enjoying the whistling of birds or the sun on your skin. You could ask your husband to choose life with you and work on it. Take him out for walks and ask him to be aware of his surroundings (we tend to either live in the past or the future, but hardly ever in the here and now).

    My personal problem with threes (don't know of that plays a role), is that they don't seem to very authentic and often seem to lie. A 4(wing 5) values authenticy and honesty. And also, talk talk talk and listen listen listen. Don't be afraid to share your thoughts and feelings around death, suicide, depression, the shitty state of the world, etc... And don't let him scare you when he says he often thinks of ending his life and of ways to do it. Being able to talk about it can bring you closer together.

    Hope this can be of help. Good luck!!


 

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