[Enneagram Type 4] Type 4 in relationship with type 1 vs. type 5 compatability

Type 4 in relationship with type 1 vs. type 5 compatability

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  • 2 Post By Shay_90
  • 1 Post By Quernus

This is a discussion on Type 4 in relationship with type 1 vs. type 5 compatability within the Type 4 Forum - The Individualist forums, part of the Heart Triad - Types 2,3,4 category; I am a social 4w5 and surprisingly enough, usually single. Basically there are so many types of people that I ...

  1. #1
    Type 4w5

    Type 4 in relationship with type 1 vs. type 5 compatability

    I am a social 4w5 and surprisingly enough, usually single. Basically there are so many types of people that I wouldn't know who would satisfy me as a romantic partner, and vise versa. I don't want to pick the wrong person, and I want both sides to be happy and fulfilled. So here is a small brief on my type 1 relationship and my type 5 relationship. Have any of you had any romantic experiences with a type 1 and/or type 5 and give a comparison? What were your experiences with each, and how did it end up? Which type do you think was generally more compatible for you in regards to enneagram personality type? Examples of people in the average to healthy ranges would be most helpful because of the fact that any unhealthy minded person can turn out to be incompatible.

    Now, I am interested in someone who is a type 1. He is very idealistic, moralistic, and outgoing. I agree with his mentality on the most part, and he is very sensitive and responsible, which I like. He is thoughtful about how to treat me, and he will go great lengths in our developing relationship to make things fair and right. His need to be right is also the pitfall for me though. There is a certain dishonesty, i feel, about his emotions because he wants to make himself right. So when there is a disagreement or I can sense negative emotions, his justification of himself as never having the negative emotions drives me nuts. I think it is important to be able to express the negative emotions, so they can be resolved, and I fear that i won't get the emotional honesty and depth, and that is so important to me in keeping an emotional connection.

    To my dismay, I've been missing a type 5 lover. He needed a certain degree of space, which I liked as well. He could do his own thing and I could do mine, and then talk all about it afterward. I enjoyed this communication, and it seemed like we would never run out of things to talk about. When he was depressed, he told me, but never the reasons why. If something bothered him, he was very clear about why it bothers him. I suppose, he is able to express himself in a way that is more clear to me. There is an emotional detachment though, and sometimes I think he is farther away from his authentic self than he knows. He really likes me, but he didn't realize it soon enough, and now it's too late for now because I became attached to this other person.

    Tell me about your experiences :) and thank you ahead of time.
    Last edited by Shay_90; 03-03-2014 at 04:55 PM.
    Quernus and famousblueraincoat thanked this post.



  2. #2
    Type 6

    Despite my preference for certain types over others, I actually don't think enneagram type is one of the major factors in compatibility...

    I feel like there are way more prominent things that will determine whether or not two people will click.

    I dated an unhealthy five whom I was in love with an unhealthy seven whom I wasn't in love with, and both were kind of horrible in different ways. :( I felt suppressed mentally and judged by the five (we were in the same field and it felt like I wasn't allowed to be smarter than him), and verbally abused, sexually used, and disrespected by the seven.

  3. #3
    Type 4w5

    I agree that there are many factors that determine compatibility, but I want to discuss what other enneagram type 4 personalities experienced in their type 1 and 5 relationships. The positives and negatives in regards to enneagram personality type.
    Last edited by Shay_90; 03-03-2014 at 11:01 PM.

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  5. #4
    Type 4w5

    I was engaged to a 1w2 (INTJ), and my first love was a 5w4 (INTP). I was also involved with another 5wx (ISTP) -- that was just a couple months long thing and never a relationship (thanks to me over-thinking everything and ducking out when it probably was about to get serious, OOPS), but it was strangely memorable, and a good example of the interactions between 4 and 5 I think.

    + With the 1w2,
    we shared moral conviction, a strong dedication towards personal growth, concerns about social justice and a desire to see change (though we disagreed sometimes on how). He was strongly supportive of me in many ways, sticking with me through really hard times. I really admired how he stuck to his guns on things, and I appreciated that he basically NEVER lied. Our conversations were thorough and sincere. The relationship was very grounding in a lot of ways, while I opened him up to new experiences. There was more dedication.

    - Ultimately, I felt pressured to be in a place I wasn't. I felt he was too critical and stuck in his ways and he felt I was too um... scatterbrained, unfocused and irresponsible or something. He got so technical about everything. I just wanted to escape real life. On the rare occasions where our core values clashed - OMG WORLD ENDING OMG. I broke up with him after five years, as I felt stagnant and didn't see a way out of it when I looked at what we both wanted, which no longer seemed to be the same thing.

    + With the 5s, I shared more hobbies and interests, an inclination towards independence, a lack of clingy-ness. I NEVER felt pressured to be anyone I wasn't, which is HUGE for me. The conversations were often more exploratory, and usually either pretty abstract or offbeat, so could be curious and intriguing without being overwhelming. The INTP was secretly sensitive, which I rather liked. Both were super clever and made me laugh constantly, though in different ways. I was attracted to how talented they were with their hobbies and interests (especially the ISTP, really), because it refreshing to see how much joy they received from doing what they loved, and from further developing expertise. There was more fun and infatuation.

    - With each Five, I think they were both a little too reticent and removed for me to know how to deal with. There was a lot more guarding. Had things gotten more serious, with either, I'd probably have been too intense for 'em. I appreciated how laid back one of them was - put me at ease- but I was at odds with his neutrality towards mostly everything. The other one wasn't laid back so much as just detached, but still neurotic rofl. Each also seemed to get oddly defensive when challenged on anything involving their deep interests or sources of knowledge, and I felt like I could never peacefully disagree nor argue passionately. I don't know. Weird times.
    Last edited by Quernus; 03-04-2014 at 11:15 PM.
    Shay_90 thanked this post.

  6. #5

    I am a 4w5 and my only two real relationships have been with a 1w2(ISTJ) and a 5w6(INTJ).

    The 1w2 was in high school, Sophomore year. I had unrequited feelings for him for a year, used to stay up until the wee hours of the morning listening to him vent about his love troubles with another girl. Around the time the crush was resolving, that's when he asked me out so I figured I would give it a go. This was my first time having any kind of romantic thing with anyone. Definitely didn't know how to take it. I was totally distant, totally bored, no concept of even how to try. I used to lay around in my room wallowing in how guilty I felt about not having strong enough feelings for him. Basically totally unhealthy 4 behavior. Then I dumped him and we stayed friends for a few years. The few years of friendship after the termination were definitely our best times together but then he began to just grate on me. He had this attitude like conforming or being normal somehow made him superior to other people. He did value my uniqueness but he didn't view my depth as such, I think he mostly thought of me as quirky/funny. In all our time together we did not have a single argument.
    I think that not admitting when you're wrong would be considered unhealthy type 1 behavior. Healthy type 1s are usually really good about being truthful about who they really are and when they're wrong. For example my type 1 once told me that he walked a drunk girl home and she took off all her clothes and vomited and he stuck around and cleaned up after her. He was really apologetic and I was like, "Why are you sorry? You did the right thing. She's your friend and it's not like you just stuck around because she was naked." and he said, "Well, actually that pretty much was the reason." That was unfathomable to me. He completely stuck to the truth even though it was totally unflattering and I had given him an out...

    So the 5w6 is my current love interest. He's a healthy 5, I think. He isn't distant with me, knows how to socialize. The only things he does that bother me are really minor, like basically just being inconsiderate. He doesn't always pick up on the mood in a room so he can sometimes do things that embarrass me. Confronting people is an issue for me and so he is a huge help there because he always turns conflict into a positive experience(although that is more of an INTJ thing than a 5 thing I think)

    I think there can definitely be compatibility with both types. As a 4w5 you would relate a lot to a type 5 which is helpful.
    The thing with a type 1 and a type 4 is that 4s move in the direction of 1 when they are in a state of growth so getting close to a type 1 could end up being really personally beneficial to you(especially since you probably won't be a horrible child like I was.)

  7. #6

    I'm a 4w3 and interestingly I have also been in relationships with a type 5 and type 1. (Does this then say something about type 4-type 5 and type 4-type 1 attraction?)

    I have similar feelings toward type 1 that they tend to deny their negative or (to them) "wrong" emotions which to me can seem dishonest and insulting. His need to be always right also makes me feel like I am under the microscope and too forgetful to ever be on his par. He also tends to hide things from me, be it his emotions or problems so as to "protect" me. But this really creates a hierarchy between us that he is always the enlightened judge whereas me, the afflicted victim whom he tries to save. But on the bright side, his rational approach on things help me to deal with things efficiently instead of writhing in self-hatred and fear unproductively. My openness to talk about feelings and motivations also encourages him to be more forthright and proactive in voicing his opinions/ reforms to others.

    With the type 5, it was like we were constantly busy minding our own business but at the same time, we were fascinated by our different realms of interests. It was like we both felt respected for our depth in different things which was great. Similarly, conversations really seemed to be never-ending, especially when our scopes of interests converged in that topic. To some degree, despite our superficial differences, it was like the type 5 isn't too departed from the type 4's need for depth and truth. We could be both poetic, romantic and honest about our sexual needs. This intimacy, sadly cannot be found with my type 1 now, who is constantly caught up in his guilt of "indulging too much" or being "too inappropriate". There is just a rawness and honesty between type 4 and 5 that cannot be found with type 1, but there is also a drive for betterment and commitment with type 1 that cannot be found with the more passive 5.


     

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