To quote what I wrote yesterday:
[5/1/14 5:17:42 PM] Animal: I texted him bc I was afraid to call
[5/1/14 5:17:47 PM] Animal: Like what if he didn't want to talk
[5/1/14 5:17:59 PM] Animal: And he said.... "What. Why?"
[5/1/14 5:18:06 PM] Animal: He was so confused
[5/1/14 5:18:18 PM] Animal: He has made no secret that I'm the love of his life - ever
[5/1/14 5:18:25 PM] Animal: But I just can't accept it
[5/1/14 5:18:32 PM] Animal: I expect to be rejected
[5/1/14 5:18:37 PM] Animal: Or forgotten
[5/1/14 5:18:49 PM] Animal: It's an emotional stupid thing I am slowly overcoming
[5/1/14 5:19:00 PM] Animal: But that is why I never confront or open my heart
[5/1/14 5:19:15 PM] Animal: I want a guy to come for me so that I can be sure he wants to be there
[5/1/14 5:19:29 PM] Animal: If I make the move I will not know if he really likes me or just settle for what he can get
[5/1/14 5:19:43 PM] Animal: If I'm really special , uniquely special. Worth chasing
[5/1/14 5:19:52 PM] Animal: It's kind of pathetic
[5/1/14 5:19:58 PM] Animal: But I'm trying to fix it
[5/1/14 5:20:12 PM] Animal: Like I would rather
[5/1/14 5:20:18 PM] Animal: Suffer in silence for years
[5/1/14 5:20:35 PM] Animal: Than risk a guy telling me he loves me bc I am what he can get
[5/1/14 5:20:44 PM] Animal: And risk worrying about it
[5/1/14 5:20:59 PM] Animal: It's not worth it
[5/1/14 5:21:05 PM] Animal: It's better to be single than that
[5/1/14 5:21:33 PM] Animal: So now that I know
[5/1/14 5:21:39 PM] Animal: How a lot of this is in my head
[5/1/14 5:21:55 PM] Animal: Feeling unattractive , less than him, putting him on pedestal
[5/1/14 5:22:09 PM] Animal: I can find out what really happened
[5/1/14 5:22:17 PM] Animal: In my past
[5/1/14 5:22:29 PM] Animal: And not just live in fiction
Social Fours don't compete with others (like sexual fours do) as much as they compare themselves to others and find themselves lacking- almost as if by showing themselves to be lacking they can call forth what they need from others. Underneath, however, they experience a fierce competitiveness that may be largely unconscious: a competitiveness for recognition, being unique and special, and wanting to be in first place. This is more hidden and subtle in the social four, however, than it is in the sexual four.
Yeah.. I'm not sure if that is subtle with me. I boast, I brag, I show off. I boast my unique voice. I also talk pretty openly with my friends about why I think a guy is better than me.
I compete but I won't talk about it outside artistic expression. My feelings about this aspect of myself are not for public consumption.
Social fours explore the pain of the past repeatedly as a way of attracting someone who will take care of them and satisfy their wants. They criminalize their wants, as many of us do, but they suffer more keenly for turning against themselves.
I explore the pain of the past repeatedly. If I do this out loud, I do it to communicate. I don't want someone to take care of me - I want someone to KNOW me and to be able to HANDLE my intensity. I also want someone to see her own humanity in me. I like open dialogue where both people can be free to be themselves, explore their pain, navigate their emotions etc. It's an equal-equal dialogue, not a rescue-call. When people try to rescue me it makes me angry. I MUST be my own hero. I secretly yearn for a hero.. but when I see a hero I want to BECOME him or mirror his assets rather than have him rescue me. I want to mirror him; I want to be his equal. If he is my hero, I want to be his heroine. Otherwise I feel "less than." I think about it a lot - why would he be with me, if I depend on him? I'd rather have him be with me because I'm amazing, not out of obligation or pity.
There was a guy once who was rather heroic to me, and I constantly imagined that he was hanging out with me out of pity, and it made me angry and very very competitive with him.
Fours with this subtype tend to think with their emotions- they get entangled in “emotional” thoughts
, caught up in and identified with intense emotions to the extent that they can't take action
even when it would be good for them to do so. They tend to be generous and to do for others, but they do not take responsibility for their own lives and may dramatize problems to distract themselves from doing something to find a solution.
Hmm. Maybe in romance situations yes. And in "inadequacy" situations, such as trying to write my book and instead thinking about my emotions here on PerC because I feel like I can't get through this section since I'm not a good enough writer.
In public, social fours repress “frowned upon” emotions like anger or hatred and may appear sweet, friendly, and soft- but in private, they may express their emotions they store up in
social situations and become aggressive
. Generally, they prefer to swallow their own poison rather than externalize it to the people around them,
This is true if you replace "social situations" with "romantic situations." It's not about "frowned upon" emotions, but rather, emotions that would display my weakness and make him feel obligated to me, or overwhelmed by my desire, or make him recognize the extent to which I am mirroring him or losing myself to him. I don't want him to know how much I care and feel like I am a burden. I have never said "I need you" to anyone in my life, and never will. To whatever extent I feel like I need someone, I express it creatively in private, and feel jilted if he doesn't need me or he needs me less than I do, or he is around just because he thinks I worship him.
and they typically have difficulty finding their place in a group and in society. These fours may experience themselves as misfits, and yet they also tend to generate social situations of rejection to confirm their shame. They see themselves as victims and may view others as “perpetrators,” and they don't always take responsibility for their own actions or aggressiveness.
Cant' relate. I'm a misfit because I express myself and march to my own drum. I don't rebel OR comply - both rebellion and compliance are letting others control you, and where society is concerned, I control myself absolutely. I am independent to a fault. I think for myself, but I don't mind following rules if it works to my advantage. It's not "dishonest" to go after what you want.
However where individuals are concerned, specifically boyfriends/ romantic interests, there is more of a rebellion/compliance dynamic sometimes. I rebel against my own need to BE him or "equal" him by expressing and asserting who I am, or I rebel against something I don't like in him by expressing the way I see it. I can also comply to what I know he wants to see, to some degree, shrouding the rest.. and this makes me sick. Then I rebel against my own compliance by showing TOO much. Like "I know he won't like this about me so I'm going to shove it in his face just so I know I'm not misleading him or being fake, giving him what he wants to see." In my heart, I kind of WANT to give him what he wants to see, so that I won't be rejected; but then I would be rejected for who I am, ultimately… etc. This is a real conundrum. I start needing to define who I am, what I want, why I want to be him, which aspects of him are really part of me. I have to define myself all over again.
I don't need confirmation for my shame because when I feel, it is palpable. The confirmation I need is to be able to express it in music, art or writing, just as it is. I want to see it mirrored in my art, and then, once it is adequately mirrored, I might share it with the world.
Social Fours are less likely to be mistaken for other enneagram types than the other two four subtypes, but they can look like sixes in their focus on what's missing or wrong in their lives. However, unlike sixes, they have a desire to be special (as opposed to type six's identification with the “everyman”, and they spend less time in fear and more time feeling emotions related to sadness, pain and shame.
I don't focus just on what's wrong. I notice things I like about myself, and others, as well. I only over-focus on what's wrong when I want something/someone… I focus on why I can't have it, why I don't deserve it, why I'm not enough.. but also on why I DO deserve it or why I CAN have it, and how. It is a process of inspiration, as explained earlier.
Elizabeth, a social four, speaks:
“I've been called “hyper-sensitive” my entire life. My feelings have always been so easily hurt- even at the tender ages of three and four I often felt terribly misunderstood fr forsaken. I remember crying in my room at four years old racking my brain trying to figure out what was going on such that my family didn't get me and could be so hurtful. I came to believe that there was something wrong with me and that I didn't matter. These have remained bedrock beliefs for much of my life.
My parents like to tell this story - in first grade the teacher invited parents after school. My parents sat separately. They asked everyone to write down one word to describe their kid. My parents both wrote "sensitive." They joke that they never agree on anything, so this was a feat.
I am hyper-sensitive but I have a lot of armor.
Only those who make love to me - physically, emotionally, and mentally - will ever be allowed to see my true sensitivity in any capacity. I can't think of anyone who has seen my sensitivity at its finest since I was a young teenager… except in the context of creative expression. I'll get up on a stage and cry, singing very sensitive, revealing lyrics before tens or hundreds of people. I would sing it before the whole world. I cry on stage sometimes. But , I won't say it to someone. I can't just reveal the sensitivity alone. I want my armor.. my music.. the invisible screen from the audience. I want them to see themselves in my music, rather than just seeing me. It's like showing myself while hiding behind the mirror at the same time.
Outside that context, my deepest sensitivity needs to be lured out. And really the only way to do it, is to be very very sensitive yourself. Then I will be disarmed.
((( nudges @Wandering Soul
It seems that social-first 4s have a way of disarming me as such.
Feeling different, misunderstood, and dejected were my constant companions and felt like home. Over time, I developed an attraction and attachment to my pain and suffering because that's what feels most real and resonant with the pervasive sense that something is really wrong (with me or the world around me.) Experiencing my pain leads to feeling more connected with myself,
which then alleviates the pain of feeling disconnected and misunderstood. Thus when a dark feeling hits, my impulse is to hang out with it and get to the bottom of it.
And I tend to get irritated and feel even more misunderstood when people suggest lightening up, getting some exercise, or going to see a funny movie.
Melancholy has always been my favorite feeling. Not only is it comforting in and of itself, but it creates a portal to my depths, my creativity, and a feeling of being at home in myself.
The bolded - 110% . I CANT STAND people who want me to 'cheer up' or 'relax' or 'calm down' when I'm angry. This is why i keep a lot of it to myself or long walks blasting angry music. Fuck them! I'll be me, on my own time, thank you.
The rest of the bolded is true too. It's not "melancholy" though, alone, which is my favorite feeling. It's lust..desire..frustration.. LONGING. Something I want so badly I can taste my desire, but I can't have it. Something that pisses me off so deeply I can feel my blood in my veins and I can see red. Something that makes me so sad that I can cleanse myself with tears. Something that makes me feel so warm that I feel like my entire body turns to liquid. I want intense, palpable emotion the most. Outside of that, longing turns me on.. it gets me in touch with my feelings.. it can turn to desire, craving.
I can feel the lack of voice when I try to sing. I can feel the lack of someone's arms around me when I try to sleep. The more physical it is, the more consuming. If I have a physical desire that I keep dreaming of - such as being in someone's arms , or singing my heart out, or being in a warmer climate, or swimming.. this turns me on the most. This desire, this unfulfilled, tangible desire - is home for me. Along with the anger, the frustration, that I can't have it.
Despite the tremendous amount of positive feedback I have received in so many areas of my life, I still wrestle with a poor self-image every day. My friends, loved ones, and associates are always shocked to discover the discrepancies between how they view me and how I view myself. As a student, I was always surprised to et my papers and tests back with very high grades and glowing comments. And even now when I share my creative or professional work I am startled to hear the heartfelt positive feedback from others. My barometer for assessing the quality of my work in any area is greatly skewed toward “this could have been a lot better.” And then it's back to “Poor me- I have a broken barometer, can you help me fix it?”.
My self-image is not that poor, but I am definitely overly critical of myself. And people who know me very well, tell me that I should give myself much more credit than I do. For my looks.. my music etc. My friends say "if he doesn't want you, he doesn't deserve you" and I respond "No, I don't deserve him." That's logical isn't it? Let's call a spade a spade….
Specific Work For The Social Four on the Path from Vice to Virtue
Social Fours can travel the path from envy to equanimity by doing the work it takes to release their inferiority complex, own their positive qualities, and enhance their self-confidence. If you are a social four, it will help you to work on relaxing your self-judgments and negative self-perceptions- to take the risk to see what is positive about you and your life and not get stuck in envious comparisons and shame. Manifesting a sense of equanimity means valuing all your feelings equally, and also not getting over-identified with your feelings
. It helps to consider that it's okay to be angry and express wishes and feelings directly, from a place of self-compassion, instead of seducing through suffering. Most of all, you can support yourself in embodying equanimity by considering all your feelings, consciously analyzing the whole situation, and taking action to get what you need and want instead of becoming so invested in your emotional suffering.
I value all my feelings equally.
However, I do identify with my feelings a lot. I don't agree that there's such thing as over-identifying with feelings because it is honest to have feelings. But maybe I'm unhealthy or stuck in my ego-fixation for saying that. I will have to make my own mind up about this - a textbook isn't going to tell me to "let go" of my feelings when they are my home and my only absolute truth.